Not sure if this woman is starting to take the piss

[HateSummer]

I befriended a woman from dd's school who is a single mum to one dc. I felt sorry for her due to her circumstances, as she'd fled an abusive marriage.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this woman works full time and needed someone to house sit whilst the gas man came to fix the boiler. I took my 3 yr old and waited all day at her house last month and no one came. Then she rescheduled during half term and told me that's the only appointment they had, so I stayed at her house 8 hours with 3 kids waiting and only one repair man came to fix her fans, but gas man didn't come until I was leaving. I rescheduled for her for them to come after 6pm when she's back from work the next day and it apparently got done .

This morning at 9, she phones me and i thought she was phoning to say hi and how are you, but no, she's at work and she thinks she hasn't put the handbrake on her car and if I could go and have a look. . I told her I have a busy day ahead and I need to go and see my dad aswell but she starts making panicky noises in the phone so i told her I'd go and have a look.

Now I know it must be hard being a single mum and I sense she has anxiety issues, but the handbrake thing has pushed me over. I offered her help because I saw she was worried, but This is getting a bit weird now. I don't want to be mean but I don't want her taking advantage either. Is she?

[kali110]

Think you were really nice to do all the house sitting!
The handbrake thing, that sound like she has anxiety issues.

[PuppyMonkey]

Next time reply: "Sorry, got something on at the moment/on whatever days she's on about."

Or perhaps send her a simple: "Lol" and then don't engage any further.

[Bluntness100]

She probably doesn't have anyone else to rely on to be fair. I wouldn't be so quick to bin her to be honest.

I'm not sure what happened with gas man, but I do know when I was getting my boiler serviced they let me down twice, and I wasn't aware I could have made an appt for after six, I don't recall seeing it in the schedule, but I may not have been looking. However she should have known if it was a morning or afternoon session. Maybe she lumped the fans in with that, which is maybe a bit necky, she could be taking advantage,

But it's really just the boiler service and the hand brake. If she does it again, then ok, but is she a good friend in other ways?

Also does she get you something for doing it, like a little box of chocolates or a bottle of wine? As a thank you?

It's a difficult call, maybe next time she calls, wait a day to call her back, or late evening and just say sorry you missed her call.

[HateSummer]

Kali: yes I suspect anxiety issues too. She also got herself an emergency appt at hospital as she thought she had a lump on her breast but it ended up being nothing. I don't know what's happening in her life/mind, but I've given support where and when I can.

RNBrie, that's what I'm doing now. Not answering!

Bluntness, I didn't really expect anything back from her. She says thank you profusely though. But she's never invited me around (when she's there! Haha) for tea or a catch up. She's always telling me how busy she is, but then kind of ignores I have 3 kids aswell. Last few times she's only contacted me when she needs something.

[gillybeanz]

Return the keys quickly, put them in an envelope, just in case she's not in when you take them back.
then just keep things friendly, refusing to help when you can't or are too busy etc.

[Atenco]

It is great to help other people and it is wonderful to have helpful neighbours, but there is a limit, Summer. The good thing is that now you know what she is like and you can practise saying no.

[dustarr73]

I wouldnt post the keys.Give them to your dp and get him to knock and hand them back.
Get him to answer the phone the next few times.If hes anything like mine,he can be blunt but its whats needed in this case.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I would post the keys put them in a large envelope and then post them. Nothing is going to happen to them and no one can see what it is.

[Mom2Monkeys]

Yes it is weird. It's a big warning sign.
You have become the accommodator in your relationship and she views you as someone she can lean on, with little regard for the fact that you have your own life and are putting yourself out.

I've known people like this. I've learned to avoid them by staying away from building friendships with people who I feel sorry for. I think I am programmed to make friends with people I feel sorry for, and it also extends into my personal relationships - dating people I feel sorry for. Now I stay well away.

There is a reason you feel sorry for them - it's because they have been treated badly by other people (their friends, their lovers, their workplace, the list goes on.....). Often there is a reason why they have been treated badly by other people - others found out, what you soon also find out about them; they have strange or difficult qualities.

Just distance yourself from her.

[Archedbrowse]

Last few times she's only contacted me when she needs something.

This says it all about how she views you

[OracleofDelphi]

I think your relationship is changing from potential friend, into someone she turns to, when shes in a rush / disorganised / panicking - which isnt really on considering you dont know her that well.

I had one school mum constantly ask me to have her DD - literally would text at 10pm saying "pls pick up xxx tomorrow after school and Ill come and get her at 4.30" - My DD isnt friends with hers, and I have 2 DC, work full time and have a big dog to walk! I told her and told her - I cant do unscheduled play dates / cant do pick ups / cant help and she literally did not get it. Wors tthing was she was a SAHM so had less commitments

All that worked was ignoring (but even then shed come up to me in the playground to ask why I hadnt texted back), and just repeatedly saying "No sorry Im afraid I cant help out". I dont think she was being rude, just very unaware of how she came across and a bit over the top. She doesnt speak to me now, which is a bit sad as I wasnt blanking her, I just couldnt help her out at the drop of a hat 3 times every week.

But it worked!

[SaturdaySurprise]

I can't believe you sat in her house for 8 hours - twice! And you went to look at her car.

You really need to be more assertive or these sorts of needy/shameless people will take advantage of you.

[DinosaursRoar]

Your 'excuses' are perfectly valid, she genuinely doesn't give a shit what else you have going on in your life, what she wants is the priority, so she'll badger you into changing your plans.

she doesn't like you enough to respect your time, she doesn't care what's going on in your life, what problems her requests cause, she's made her life a bit easier, she doesn't care if that has made yours harder, you matter far less than she does.

[VanillaSugarCandyCanes]

Oh. My. Actual. God.

Practice saying "Oh, I'm sorry but I have plans. Sorry, no." Say it enough times and it should be easy to say to her.

[BigApple11]

You're not obliged to help her or be at her beck and call. Try "that doesn't work for me". Or just plain "no I can't". She doesn't own you or your time.

[winterinmadeira]

I wouldn't even make an excuse. You've been very kind so far but now it's time to be 'what am I? A PA'! In a jolly way but with v hard stare. Point made. If she doesn't take that hint then a big fat 'no' should do the trick

[AcrossthePond55]

She's not necessarily a 'user', she just needs to become more self-reliant.

I think when you've had a partner (even a shitty one) you're sort of used to having a 'fall back' person. Front door unlocked & you can't get away? Call partner to check. Gas man coming & you can't get leave? Get partner to do it. I think it becomes an automatic 'thing' that there's 'someone else' to rely on or 'partner' with, you just expect it. I think when you split you don't stop to think that friends or acquaintances don't need (or want) to fulfill that role and you simply transfer that 'reliance' to them without really thinking.

You just simply start to say 'no' or stop answering her calls, especially in the morning when they'll be a panicked request for an immediate need. If she leaves a message with a request, you call her back much later with an 'Oh dear, sorry my phone was dead/in the car/I was busy with and just picked up your message. Hope you were able to take care of it.

[normastits5]

Yep you could think up some big favour to ask her then see what happens. It may clarify things a bit for you in regards her character. She just needs to value you a bit in order for your relationship to be equal

[HateSummer]

So she's just messaged me saying thanks and sorry for the inconvenience and she hopes my dad is ok . I think I won't be replying.

Thanks for all your advice. I'm going to stop taking her calls now. I already have enough going on in my life, and I can't deal with being guilted into helping someone like this all the time.

[MrsEricBana]

Yadnbu. One of my neighbours lost his wife. I was very sorry for them and I went out of my way to help them for, quite literally, years. They really started to take advantage of me so I started pulling back and now, after and incident relating to their dog, we hardly speak. I'd say help her in an absolute emergency as it is the human thing to do but definitely don't be drawn into sitting in her house waiting for tradesmen etc and don't let her take advantage of your good nature. You sound very kind and caring.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It's a good idea to make friends on the basis of how much you like the person, rather than on how much you pity them.

Having "cases" rather than actual friends opens you up to this kind of piss-taking.

I'm guessing she realised you were acting as her caseworker not her mate and acted accordingly.

[dustarr73]

Now the cynic in me thinks that she knows she over stepped teh mark.So she is using your dad as a way to communicate,knowing you will answer.

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm with AcrossThePond

[Andbabymakesthree]

People use people because people allow them to.

Don't allow it.