Not sure if this woman is starting to take the piss

[HateSummer]

I befriended a woman from dd's school who is a single mum to one dc. I felt sorry for her due to her circumstances, as she'd fled an abusive marriage.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this woman works full time and needed someone to house sit whilst the gas man came to fix the boiler. I took my 3 yr old and waited all day at her house last month and no one came. Then she rescheduled during half term and told me that's the only appointment they had, so I stayed at her house 8 hours with 3 kids waiting and only one repair man came to fix her fans, but gas man didn't come until I was leaving. I rescheduled for her for them to come after 6pm when she's back from work the next day and it apparently got done .

This morning at 9, she phones me and i thought she was phoning to say hi and how are you, but no, she's at work and she thinks she hasn't put the handbrake on her car and if I could go and have a look. . I told her I have a busy day ahead and I need to go and see my dad aswell but she starts making panicky noises in the phone so i told her I'd go and have a look.

Now I know it must be hard being a single mum and I sense she has anxiety issues, but the handbrake thing has pushed me over. I offered her help because I saw she was worried, but This is getting a bit weird now. I don't want to be mean but I don't want her taking advantage either. Is she?

[HateSummer]

I wasn't being judgemental about her washing. I was just saying the sink was full and she'd specifically told me to only open the water if we need to use the loo. I'm guessing she hadn't washed up because of the water wasting.

I was happy to help her out and I had no issue at all, that is true, but she scheduled the next appointment during half term holidays. The previous time, I'd told her its best for me when the kids are all at school and nursery.

What upsets me is the last 4/5 times the only time she's ever messaged or phoned me is when she needs me to do something.

She's also been out of her relationship for 7 years.
I also suffer from anxiety and spent all of Friday thinking about this, feeling horribly guilty, heart racing and unhappy. I didn't like the panicky sounds she started making like a child having a tantrum. But ultimately the car handbrake thing wasn't my problem was it? What if it had rolled? She has her phone off at work, so I would have been left dealing with a possible car accident, and I had my 3 year old with me.

She has messaged me again since yesterday asking how my dad is. I've replied and told her all is ok. I wont cut her out.

[Starlight2345]

Another opinion ..I was in an abusive relationship..I am an intelligent woman but had to relearn making my own decisions.

I think there is nothing wrong with doing a favour however I would of been asking if she could get a more specific time or ask gas man to ring before he arrrived.

I also think sorry I can't is ok.

She may of wanted to avoid been in the house on her own with a man.

She sounds like she has anxiety however you don't have to answer phonecalls or text immediately in fact I suggest you don't so she can think through her solutions.

[haveacupoftea]

The house sittinig thing is something that with 3 DCs i dont think you should have been doing, but you did offer.

Popping round to check on her handbrake...not a massive deal especiallt if you were heading out anyway.

I wouldnt cut her off just yet. See what the next favour is, or if she is able to return one to you one day.

[Goddessoftheduvet]

I've got myself into this position with 'friends' a couple of times now. With me it was two particular friends ringing for emotional support and it taking literally 2-3 hours a week. I don't have that kind of time spare! The final straw came when one friend phoned me about her divorce coming through, literally as she'd just had the final papers through from her solicitor, and we spoke for 90 minutes. I really thought it had helped her (she said so). But three days later she texted me saying 'final papers just through. Really upset' and it was clear she didn't even remember the conversation!

I think I needed to learn to set and hold good boundaries with her, and others, and I've been experimenting setting them a lot including with my blaming wanker exH but that's a whole other story If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. It might be better to pour your kindness and giving nature into healthier recipients.

[beautifulbizarre]

In future, befriend people because you like them, not because you pity them.

[Twooter]

I agree with Deathstar. I think the handbrake thing is perfectly valid, and yes, it was a pain to sit in the house but you didn't have to do it, and if her boiler wasn't working it's not surprising that she wanted it fixed as soon as possible.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Inside her head is probably a very chaotic place. It's not sure she is consciously using you because she may not have the capacity to see that she is doing that right now. I used to have anxiety issues and it's very scary. For an outsider, the demands seem very unreasonable and now that I've resolved my issues, I can see where they were coming from.

All this doesn't mean you have to be her emotional crutch. You have your own life, three children and a poorly father, I Think? I'm a people pleaser as well. Im chronically ill so can't be at anyone's beck and call, which did give me guilt for some time but has taught me much better self care. I've been really disappointed that at the height of my illness, I had no parents genuinely offering assistance with my dd when they've seen me collapse in the school hall and playground and often barely able to stand up, let alone walk.

[DeathStare]

I also agree with Acrossthepond I don't think she's a user at all - she's just over reliant on you. I also think it sounds like she suffers from anxiety, which given what she's been through is hardly surprising.

I think the people who are calling her a user have no empathy and I think OP that saying she needs to get organised isn't very fair. This is nothing to do with being organised - if she can't get time off work then she needs to find someone to wait in for the boiler man for her. Them not turning up is almost certainly not her fault. She doesn't know you aren't happy to do it because you've not told her. If you had she could think of someone else to ask. This isn't anything to do with poor organisation.

You also sound a bit judged about the mess in her house. Maybe she's struggling to cope on her own? Or maybe she's just like the many of us who leave for work early and do housework when we get chance?

I don't think there is any need for anyone to call her names or suggest ending a friendship just because she has asked you for help with things and you've not told her that you don't want to.

[ConvincingLiar]

I wouldn't ignore her just yet, but I would definitely post the keys through her door or return them at the school gates or whatever. If next time she contacts you it's to ask a favour, I'd say "I'm not going to be able to do that I'm afraid. I feel that the only time you contact me is to ask for help, but I'm not your PA/mum/housekeeper so you're going to need to sort it out yourself. I have plenty of my own commitments and problems to deal with".

[kali110]

across agree with you completely, i don't think she is a user.
The handbrake issue is the worrying one, if it's played on her mind that much that she asked someone to check, i feel bad for her as sounds like her anxiety is bad.
I wouldn't stop being her friend, or ignoring her, if you genuinely like her
i'd just be honest and say you feel taken advantage of. You're there in an emergency ( if you actually want to be ofcourse) but other than that she's needs to find someone else to do the other things for her.

[RhodaBorrocks]

I say this as a single mum of one who left an abusive relationship and works full time:

You are being used. Tell her to pull her finger out and sort her life out. She should be relishing her independence, not relying on you to continually bail her out.

[VanillaSugarCandyCanes]

Love it Katie!!!!!

[KatieScarlett]

I usually say "no, I don't want to".
Unanswerable.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She is taking the piss, no next time.

[myusernamewastaken]

I always answer requests like this....sorry no ive got a hospital....doctors....dentists appointment.......its got me out of loads of sticky situations.

[Andbabymakesthree]

People use people because people allow them to.

Don't allow it.

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm with AcrossThePond

[dustarr73]

Now the cynic in me thinks that she knows she over stepped teh mark.So she is using your dad as a way to communicate,knowing you will answer.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It's a good idea to make friends on the basis of how much you like the person, rather than on how much you pity them.

Having "cases" rather than actual friends opens you up to this kind of piss-taking.

I'm guessing she realised you were acting as her caseworker not her mate and acted accordingly.

[MrsEricBana]

Yadnbu. One of my neighbours lost his wife. I was very sorry for them and I went out of my way to help them for, quite literally, years. They really started to take advantage of me so I started pulling back and now, after and incident relating to their dog, we hardly speak. I'd say help her in an absolute emergency as it is the human thing to do but definitely don't be drawn into sitting in her house waiting for tradesmen etc and don't let her take advantage of your good nature. You sound very kind and caring.

[HateSummer]

So she's just messaged me saying thanks and sorry for the inconvenience and she hopes my dad is ok . I think I won't be replying.

Thanks for all your advice. I'm going to stop taking her calls now. I already have enough going on in my life, and I can't deal with being guilted into helping someone like this all the time.

[normastits5]

Yep you could think up some big favour to ask her then see what happens. It may clarify things a bit for you in regards her character. She just needs to value you a bit in order for your relationship to be equal

[AcrossthePond55]

She's not necessarily a 'user', she just needs to become more self-reliant.

I think when you've had a partner (even a shitty one) you're sort of used to having a 'fall back' person. Front door unlocked & you can't get away? Call partner to check. Gas man coming & you can't get leave? Get partner to do it. I think it becomes an automatic 'thing' that there's 'someone else' to rely on or 'partner' with, you just expect it. I think when you split you don't stop to think that friends or acquaintances don't need (or want) to fulfill that role and you simply transfer that 'reliance' to them without really thinking.

You just simply start to say 'no' or stop answering her calls, especially in the morning when they'll be a panicked request for an immediate need. If she leaves a message with a request, you call her back much later with an 'Oh dear, sorry my phone was dead/in the car/I was busy with and just picked up your message. Hope you were able to take care of it.

[winterinmadeira]

I wouldn't even make an excuse. You've been very kind so far but now it's time to be 'what am I? A PA'! In a jolly way but with v hard stare. Point made. If she doesn't take that hint then a big fat 'no' should do the trick