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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel devastated?

79 replies

Nicebucket · 04/11/2016 01:48

I just found out my boyfriend emailed his ex

There is a dark history here- him and her had a very turbulent relationship, she was his first sexual partner.

They then went through a very rocky patch and I think they each ended up sleeping with other people.
Through all this, him and I were best friends.

And he confessed to having feelings for me. I refused because technically he already had a girlfriend.

However a few months later, they were pretty much over, she just hadn't moved out. We ended up having sex after a drunk night out (not classy, I know) and she moved out the day she found out.

However even after she moved out and him and I became a couple, she deliberately continued to cause a lot of problems in our relationship.

For example, she took her belongings to a park in the middle of the night and then sent him a selfie saying that she would risk her safety and stay there all night if he didn't come and get her.

He went looking for her in all the neighbouring parks.

This is just one example, she pulled several stunts like these.

So once she moved back to her home town, him and I had an agreement that he wouldn't ever contact her again for any reason.

There is a lot more to the story about how controlling she was and how dysfunctional their relationship was. He always said he wasn't happy with her, he didn't love her and the whole thing was toxic.

He said he didn't even think about it.

He just saw the calendar and the automatic reminder and emailed her.

I don't believe it and I'm thinking this is a betrayal enough for me to break up.

What's more, he told me when I asked about another related topic and I sensed something was off so I proved further.

I really don't think this is forgivable

AIBU?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/11/2016 13:12
Hmm

Come on. Really, you can't pretend everyone else is 'very black and white' or that he was 'technically' with her.

Frankly, I'd lay a bet he was telling her he was still with her, all the time he was telling you he was open to new things.

And yes, TBH, it does explain why she was still feeling upset months after - FFS, wouldn't you be? You playing cool girlfriend about the porn and the sex chat doesn't make you sound less jealous of her, and it's very revealing that you bring up those things as if they'd change perceptions.

Original poster
Nicebucket · 04/11/2016 13:26

I'm not playing the Coll girlfriend. I'm generally like that, I don't get easily offended or upset by people.

But his ex is a sore subject for me (as I am sure I am for her)

OP posts:
hutchblue · 04/11/2016 13:26

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 13:34

Let me guess, the ex had an issue with porn/talking to other women about sex?

Unlike her, you don't get offended or easily upset. Except over an email saying 'Happy Birthday'.

MyWineTime · 04/11/2016 13:46

I just sensed something was up, and I asked him if he's been in touch with her recently.
Seriously? Just a lucky guess? You sensed something was up when all that had happened was a very simple happy birthday message.
Are you sure you didn't catch sight of an email with her name on it but you couldn't understand it so you found a way to ask him about it?

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 13:51

OP, fuck him off. Seriously. He's a cheat. He clearly had a case of 'the grass is greener' with you, and now the novelty is wearing off, is trying to worm his way back into ex's life. If she's as awful as you both say, then why is he still in contact with her? Plan B?

Get some self respect and ditch him.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/11/2016 15:46

I don't get easily offended or upset by people.

But, obviously, you do. So something is up. And I don't think it's a 'happy birthday' message that's the problem.

user1474627704 · 04/11/2016 16:44

He cheated on her with you, and you are worried he will cheat on you with her.

Yeah, he might. But you'd kinda deserve it.

Original poster
Nicebucket · 04/11/2016 18:31

User- judgemental aren't we?

I agree I didn't do the best thing, but without knowing the full background you're a really horrible person to suggest I'd "deserve" someone cheating on me.

You know nothing about me or my life or how things actually Happened

OP posts:
MadMags · 04/11/2016 18:37

Unless he wasn't in a relationship then no circumstances excuse your behaviour.

It happened. It's done. But own what you did.

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 19:04

nice. No-one deserves to be cheated on. It's a horrendous experience, which leaves you with self-doubt, damaged self-esteem and a whole potential host of other issues.

I honestly think you would be better off without him. He made his ex unhappy, and now he's doing it to you. He's playing some really unpleasant mind games. You don't need him. You deserve a guy who will treat you like royalty, not someone who makes you feel insecure (and by the sound of things, he already has). Lose him.

Original poster
Nicebucket · 04/11/2016 19:06

MadMags- I did own it.

I apologised and I accepted I was at fault too.

But like I said you don't know the whole story everything isn't always black or white, there are shades of grey.

OP posts:
MadMags · 04/11/2016 19:18

Well, no there really isn't.

There are plenty of reasons to leave a relationship, to end a relationship, to dump someone from a great height.

There is no reason to shag someone when you're well aware that he's in a relationship, and there's no reason to cheat on your gf.

glitterandtinsel · 04/11/2016 19:19

You don't trust him. When you say 'technically' single, you already know that is not single, otherwise you'd write single without the 'technically'. He was with her, slept with you, had contacted her and you can't trust him not to have sex with her as he could be 'technically ' single again.
Not a great start to a serious relationship.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 04/11/2016 19:45

You have to love the technically single distinction.

So, he was in a relationship with someone else, but it was OK for you to sleep with him.
How he's in a relationship with you it's not OK for him to send a "Happy Birthday" email to the ex.

Yep, makes perfect sense.

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 20:09

chardonnay. Yeah - my ex was 'technically single' too, apparently. Even though we still shared a bed and had sex and did the whole 'I love you' stuff....

Sigh.

Op, the guy is a twat and I suspect, deep down, you know this, but his shitty little mind games have made you doubt yourself and possibly affect your self-esteem. Right now, he has power over you, knows exactly how to press your buttons and treats you (and other women) with disrespect. Leave. You can do better.

user1474627704 · 05/11/2016 13:07

User- judgemental aren't we? I agree I didn't do the best thing, but without knowing the full background you're a really horrible person to suggest I'd "deserve" someone cheating on me

Just going on what you've owned up to. You got with him while he was still with her. You can call it shades of grey all you like, but thats called cheating. And if you took on a cheater, don't be surprised when he cheats on you too!

user1474627704 · 05/11/2016 13:08

And I'm not the horrible person in this scenario, stop projecting. Facts are facts, no "technically" about it.

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 05/11/2016 13:43

user. I'm inclined to agree. The whole 'technically' aspect reads to me as 'I knew he had a partner, I still slept with him'.

OP, you have to accept the possibility that he may still have feelings for her. Get out before he messes with your mind. I don't think you 'deserve' to be cheated on, but I think you really need to understand you became involved in a messy and complex relationship - and that your best option is to leave them to it. He's a cheat and you enabled that rather unpleasant aspect of his personality. Don't allow him to hurt you in the manner he hurt his ex.

Original poster
Nicebucket · 07/11/2016 10:46

I'm just wondering how many people here can claim they have NEVER slept with someone who was in a relationship or just coming out of one.

Let her without sin cast the first stone...or however the phrase goes.

At no point did I say it's a good thing to cheat or that it was acceptable.
I just said that a reaction to something like this shouldn't be black or white- you can't judge too harshly without knowing the full story.

Anyway, I am not ok with my partners contacting their ex's unless there are kids involved. We all have some hard boundaries and this is one of mine. For the rest of you, it might be porn.

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 07/11/2016 11:29

Hand on heart, never knowingly slept with someone who was in a relationship. I prefer to set the bar a little higher than that.

Are you not ok with him contacting the ex because you knowing you weren't even the first that he cheated with also means you know you can't ever really trust him?

MadMags · 07/11/2016 12:00

Because it's either emails or porn, and that's it, lol?

You sound about 12.

Decent people don't cheat. It's that simple. I have never slept with someone in a relationship. I have standards and self-respect.

But you should take heed of the phrase "when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy."

You're not married but the sentiment is valid.

PNGirl · 07/11/2016 12:53

I have never slept with someone else's boyfriend, husband or partner. Nor have I lurked about waiting in the wings for an opportunity to do so.

You shouldn't have been counselling him on all the ins and outs of their relationship in the first place, especially knowing for months that he was interested in you. That's not a "friend", that's an emotional affair.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/11/2016 13:15

Well, I have slept with someone who was in a relationship. Because he told me it was over with her. And it was very, very like the situation you describe, which is why I recognise it.

And later on (when I wasn't 20 any more) I learned that, when a person tells you 'oh, it's all over' and his or her ex starts behaving oddly, as if it wasn't over really, you might consider that there are some lies being told.

Interestingly, the bloke I met, did the exact same thing when he split up with me - his new partner believed he had split up with me and just hadn't moved out.

You need to consider why your partner is so keen to shift all the blame onto his ex - and why you're so quick to believe he was only 'technically' still with her.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 07/11/2016 13:24

how many people here can claim they have NEVER slept with someone in a relationship

Anyway, I'm not ok with my partners contacting their ex's unless there are kids involved

I'm shit at maths but something here isn't adding up. Sleeping with someone who has a partner is something that just happens (and please don't cast aspersions on the rest of us) but a partner wishing an ex 'Happy Birthday' is not? Help me out, OP, I'm struggling with understanding how this particular moral compass works...