AIBU to feel devastated?

[Nicebucket]

I just found out my boyfriend emailed his ex

There is a dark history here- him and her had a very turbulent relationship, she was his first sexual partner.

They then went through a very rocky patch and I think they each ended up sleeping with other people.
Through all this, him and I were best friends.

And he confessed to having feelings for me. I refused because technically he already had a girlfriend.

However a few months later, they were pretty much over, she just hadn't moved out. We ended up having sex after a drunk night out (not classy, I know) and she moved out the day she found out.

However even after she moved out and him and I became a couple, she deliberately continued to cause a lot of problems in our relationship.

For example, she took her belongings to a park in the middle of the night and then sent him a selfie saying that she would risk her safety and stay there all night if he didn't come and get her.

He went looking for her in all the neighbouring parks.

This is just one example, she pulled several stunts like these.

So once she moved back to her home town, him and I had an agreement that he wouldn't ever contact her again for any reason.

There is a lot more to the story about how controlling she was and how dysfunctional their relationship was. He always said he wasn't happy with her, he didn't love her and the whole thing was toxic.

He said he didn't even think about it.

He just saw the calendar and the automatic reminder and emailed her.

I don't believe it and I'm thinking this is a betrayal enough for me to break up.

What's more, he told me when I asked about another related topic and I sensed something was off so I proved further.

I really don't think this is forgivable

AIBU?

Copy and paste the e-mail into Google translate "Hungarian to English.

It will not be a good translation, but it will give you the gist, and then you will know,

She was controlling, their relationship was dysfunctional, blah blah blah.

You know, when I meet a man who speaks positively about his ex, I'll know he's a keeper.

I guess that should work both ways though Jess. I read serious character assassinations of supposedly toxic partners written by women on this site daily. Either those women are all liars, or just incapable of accepting that they may have played an equal part in the breakdown of their relationship and therefore don't deserve to be considered 'keepers' by other men in future, or their exes were indeed controlling and dysfunctional and they have a right to say so.

It's probably a bit of both. I don't think a man saying his ex was controlling and high maintenance is necessarily a cause for alarm. Some women are. If all of his exes have been labelled unhinged and unreasonable bunny boilers, then you know you are looking at the problem right in front of you!

Firstly, I just want to clarify I'm not controlling at all.

He has mainly female friends and they all have fairly intimate friendships. About half of these women are back in Hungary and he visits them when he goes home.

I have never questioned it or been suspicious over it or said anything at all about it

I don't look at his phone or get upset if he looks at a pretty lady in a pub, in fact I appreciate other beautiful women with him.

I honestly don't try to control him in any way nor am I possessive.

But because of the way his ex has blatantly tried to sabotage our relationship (there is a lot else she has done), we had mutually decided that he wouldn't contact her again.

To clarify further- his ex and I have some mutual friends and I know he isn't making anything up about how she was.
I've seen it first hand

The other ex he speaks of very respectfully- to be honest, the character assassination of this ex as well has mainly come from the mutual friends who know her very well. He still maintains he had an equal part to play in the breakdown of that relationship.

Also- I haven't seen the email.

I don't snoop in his phone or laptop. I just sensed something was up, and I asked him if he's been in touch with her recently. He confessed and said the email was to say happy birthday and she responded with a "thank you"

I haven't seen it nor have I asked to

we had mutually decided that he wouldn't contact her again.

Imo that's just weird. Whymutually? It should be his decision.

And he's free to change his decision. He shouldn't have betrayed you, yes.

But I do think YABU to expect this no communication -arrangement.

This is about him breaking an agreement. Op stated her wishes regarding this person and it was agreed. He crossed the line. Why is this any different to a bloke looking at porn when the partner has said it's a boundary for her? In that situation the response is always that the man is out of order for not respecting the woman's boundaries.

stor

I think it's because speech/communication is very central and prioritised in our lives.which is why restricting it seems very strict/harsh and wrong.

And because expecting a partner to have no contact with a certain person is something controlling people tend to do. It's also an isolation tactic.

I am not saying the OP is doing this, but I think that's why many of us (me included) don't think this is should be treated like a DP watching porn.

Perhaps I am immature, I am open to considering that possibility!

However, I do think a lot of women would have some boundaries about certain people especially ex's and they would expect the man to respect that.

If I had a very dramatic ex, who had deliberately tried to sabotage our relationship and caused drama, I wouldn't think it controlling if my DP requested me not to contact him.

In general, of course couples can't tell each other what to do or who to speak to, but sometimes we all have boundaries we need to draw for sanity

That's all I was trying to do

Unfortunately you have got yourself involved with a DP that enjoys the drama. He emailed her to provoke a reaction, either from her or from you (or both), hence the overtly weird behaviour and then sudden admission of guilt.

The way you got together was designed to create as much drama as possible (with him at the center) and now that's all blown over he's looking for some new way to liven things up. This is a pattern that will repeat - if its not the ex he'll find some other way to push your buttons.

Also he does watch porn and I don't say anything.

I genuinely don't care.

So you can see how I'm not possessive or jealous or controlling.

His female friend tells him DETAILS of her sex life. I genuinely don't mind or care

I think the analogy of poking a bear made sense to me. Why would you wish Happy Birthday to someone you had gone through all that with, now that it is over?

I can't say whether it is a deal breaker on its own but

• is your relationship good?
• how long have you been together?
• can you trust him? Are you working towards complete trust as time goes on?
• does he like drama?

I wouldn't mind if my DH emailed any ex with a simple Happy Birthday message tbh, especially if they were living in another country.

Jess is right. A man (or woman) who claims his (her) ex is a 'psycho' is worth being wary of. Sometimes it might be true that the ex behaved badly, but here it's obvious there was fault on both sides.

OP, how can you be surprised she was trying to 'sabotage' your relationship - FFS, she still thought it was her relationship at the point when you slept with him!

I am always very dubious of people who play the 'oh, we're practically over, we just live together' card. And given this woman moved out as soon as she discovered her partner had slept with someone else, I think it's clear she didn't see it that way.

Your partner is more at fault than you for acting in such a cruel and unpleasant way to her, but you're not exactly innocent here.

You say she attempted to sabotage your relationship, but it was you who effectively sabotaged hers.

Was he that unhappy before you started having an emotional affair with him? (for that is what the level of confiding in you amounted to) quite possibly not.

Don't focus on the ex having OTT moments.

I'd worry more about how much he's confiding in one or more of those really good friends of his.

You are worried as you know he had an emotional relationship with you all the time he was with her, waiting in the wings, and leaping in the second he left her. You are worried now that she is the same, hovering about, still available and that he has form for having strong emotional relationships tipping into sex alongside his main relationship.

If you trust him and think he loves you, then a Happy Birthday message is just nothing.

So you slept with her boyfriend and SHE'S unreasonable?

You and the ex share friends but they bag her out like that? You'd have to wonder what they say about you to her.

Anyway, to feel 'devastated' seems way OTT

This all sounds like really hard work, so I would end the relationship.

Life is hard enough without such drama.

His female friend tells him DETAILS of her sex life. I genuinely don't mind or care

You worry about a birthday greeting to an ex but you're perfectly happy he's discussing sex - in detail - with his female friend?

OP, sounds as though he's doing whatever he wants and you're so desperate to keep him you'll accept anything - the "no contact with ex" agreement is the least of your worries. He looks at "pretty women" when he's out with you, he watches porn (ugh), he slept with you when they hadn't actually separated, and he has lots of "fairly intimate friendships" with women - some of whom he visits when he goes home to Hungary.

You're obsessing about the ex. Try looking at the rest of it.

OP, you seem to have already decided that you're in the right, so I don't know what you are hoping to achieve!

It is your relationship so if you are upset, you are upset - and something you have to talk about with your partner.

It does seem extreme to me to be considering leaving him over this. And with respect to your point about women having boundaries re: exes, I can genuinely say I do not. My partner of course has his exes, but I do feel it is up to him to make and stick to a boundary not for me to impose.

They're both dramatic, not just his ex.

And you're an absolute drama queen too by the sounds of it.

What did you think would happen when you slept with him while he was in a relationship? That you'd both skip off into the sunset together??

All of his friends are close female friends. You were too, and he cheated on his gf with you...

It was an email. And you have much bigger problems.

Re: my ex and myself.

His new GF (the OW) has been told I'm a psycho. What he hasn't told her is that he frequently tells me he still loves me (barf). Worst, we actually slept together several weeks ago (I'd had an alcohol relapse and the horror at my mistake hailed my new found sobriety).

There is no trust in this relationship, OP, nor will there ever be. However you want to paint this, he effectively cheated on his ex, you know he is therefore capable of cheating and as a result, don't trust him.

Leave. Find a less complicated man who is single when you meet him and willing to treat you decently. Yeah, it's only an email - but how much of your life do you want to waste on someone you don't 100% trust?

I did expect a bashing for sleeping with someone who wasn't technically single. Guilty. I would explain the exact situation further, but I don't think it will help, it seems everyone is very black and white on the matter.
So I'll take the blame and say it was my bad.

Having said that, I don't think it justifies someone trying to sabotage the ex boyfriend's new relationship months after the break up, no matter what the circumstances of the split.

FYI, I've read the email now as he forwarded it to me

It it literally just "happy birthday" and thank you

If he wants to have contact with her, is that a deal breaker for you?

That's all there is to this. He clearly paid you lip service when he said he wouldn't talk to her, he seems confident you won't find out. So instead of making him promise to break contact, which he doesnt want to and evidently can't do, reassess your position. do you want to be in a relationship with him if he has a friendship with her?

If yes, leave it be. Hopefully at some point they won't need each other anymore and she'll fade away.

If no, it's over. You're incompatible on this issue and it's done; whatever he tells you to make you stay is exactly that. His actions have shown that he still needs her.

The rest of it is largely irrelevant, other than from the angle that they may not have split if he hadn't slept with someone else - I could understand that making you insecure, because they didn't choose to be apart and therefore could still have feelings for each other. But if you don't think that's the case, that's all irrelevant too. It just comes down to whether you, individually, are happy to continue the relationship now that she is a non negotiable part of it.