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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want sister and family for Christmas

55 replies

Breastbeaten · 03/11/2016 23:38

I feel awful to say this but I don't want my sister, bro in law and 1 yo nephew to come for Christmas. They want to stay for 4 nights but:

Baby is a terrible crier - it's pretty much constant. He doesn't interact with anyone and I am worried too much attention would be focused on trying to stop him walking in to things, knocking things over and generally being a danger to himself, my daughter and dogs.

But more delicate issue probably..... my sis and bro in law are awful to each other. They snipe, bitch and outfight argue and insult each other in front of all of us, including our 7yo.

We like a calm environment and don't argue in front of kids.

So what do I say? How do I say it? Can it be done without huge hurt?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 09:25

She only lives 30 mins. away? She's pisstaking. 'No, you need to go back home.' Send your mum over there.

SlottedSpoon · 04/11/2016 09:27

They live 30 mins down the road? WTF? Who in their right mind with a difficult to settle one year old wants to be away from home in someone else's house when they live only 30 mins away?

They need to do the car journey there and the car journey back regardless of whether the journeys are four days apart of not, what a crock of shit.

Offer for them to stay overnight on Christmas Day itself so they can have a drink if that's what they want but tell them it's not possible beyond that as your mum is there for six days and it's too much.

mrssapphirebright · 04/11/2016 09:33

My sis and her dh and ds only live 30 mins awayd and they don't argue all the time, don't have a crying baby and i genuinely love them all to bits, however, i would still not want them to stay for 4 days and nights over xmas! i'd want some time with my dc and dh and some genral re-couperation time.

the fact that you have room for them to stay doesn't mean they should.

i appreciate if they are hard up financially then you want to give them a good xmas, but you need to put your own immediate family first in my opinion (and yourself).

I would compromise say let them stay for a night or two, max. I would also address the bickering in a concerned way. maybe say your dc had picked up on it or something and you were concerned about her / her family.

girlywhirly · 04/11/2016 09:36

I've just re-read the posts and you have them over every week-end? I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether with DSIS and BIL.

They should learn that failure to change their behaviour means a reduction in invitations to your home for your DD'S sake if no one else's.

MrEBear · 04/11/2016 09:36

I'd offer for them to stay Christmas night (alcohol/ kids/ taxi reasons) but not the other nights.

24th - no you want a quiet Christmas morning
25th - ok
26th - no DH family
27th - no need sometime to yourselves

Nothing to stop them collecting your mum at some point / visiting 30 mins isn't exactly a long drive even for a 1 year old.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 09:42

I think it's a shame that this has come into consideration as to whether to have them or not. You've later said he has special needs-he can't help being more work to supervise than your average child.

It must be pretty isolating having a child with extra needs and having people decide you're too much effort to have around because of it just makes the loneliness worse. I wonder how much of the bickering is down to stress. Of course, some people just like arguing so that could be their normal way of relating to one another.

Ragwort · 04/11/2016 09:48

30 minutes away and they expect to stay at your house? - Why?

We are doing a four hour round journey just for Christmas lunch with my brother - that's perfectly acceptable luckily DH will drive.

What on earth is someone's mind set that they expect to stay overnight when they live so locally? I can just about understand wanting to stay Christmas night so that they can have a drink, but that is more than enough.

shovetheholly · 04/11/2016 09:57

Can you compromise and have them over one night (so you can have a drink together as a family) - but then send them back home? You can still meet up during the day as a whole family.

I have a couple of friends who bicker constantly. I don't think they are actually unhappy - it is just their way of interacting with each other. I empathise with your point that it is very stressful to deal with! I am not sure whether you can really raise it as an issue, though, other than perhaps generally to say that you'd like everyone to make a bit of an effort to keep Christmas argument free this year! (And then gentle, jokey reminders of the Bob Cratchitt "Christmas day my dear" kind).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/11/2016 09:59

I did wonder if it may be stress related.

Olympiathequeen · 04/11/2016 10:00

30 minutes away is nothing. They can come over to see your mum but absolutely no need to stay.

Poor baby, no wonder is is unsettled if the atmosphere at home is as you say

dangermouseisace · 04/11/2016 10:03

the OP has said in her 2nd post that it's not the baby that's the issue- it's the baby's parents arguing and the fact the parents don't deal with that without arguing not the baby's needs "I love him, you're right.
It IS the constant tense atmosphere with the sister that I (and my husband and kids) hate"

so please stop slating her when she's already clarified what the real issue is- her relatives arguing.

dangermouseisace · 04/11/2016 10:04

sorry the parents don't deal with the baby's crying without arguing, not the baby's needs

toomuchtooold · 04/11/2016 10:08

piglet
^"He has issues and I feel horrible even thinking about him being a chore"
So your DSis has a child who has SN and that is your opinion ^

Yeah, her opinion is that she when she thinks of him as a chore, she feels horrible about herself for doing that. Did you think she meant that the baby's a chore and makes her feel horrible even just thinking about him? It's fine, she didn't mean that, you can stop slagging her off now.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/11/2016 10:17

It's fine, she didn't mean that, you can stop slagging her off now.

Sorry my opinion doesn't meet your approval

I wasn't 'snagging her off' it's called having an opinion, it's what public forums are about.

HearTheThunderRoar · 04/11/2016 10:18

Yanbu even if she wasn't 30 minuets aways, put your own family first. If I was feeling particular charitable I would let them stay over night on the 25th, however not 4 nights.

I still remember a particularly grim Christmas, huge argument between my Dbro and his then wife who were known for their fiery relationship I was UN peacekeeper it was awful for DD and her sons. No children should have witness that, especially at that time of the year.

rookiemere · 04/11/2016 10:36

They live 30 mins away. Most people with young children don't enjoy staying away from home, so wanting to stay for 4 nights at yours seems massively suspect to me. I think they want to put their feet up and be looked after and catered by you for all that time and yes for your family to act as peace keepers.

I would say they can stay over for one night on Christmas only. Tell them because it's a lot of work hosting guests and they are welcome to come over as often as they want but not stay over, but you can't host meals for everyone for 4 days as that would be too much.
If they start fighting I'd change the topic instantly and loudly or just state "Not in front of the children", just be a lot more on top of it, they'll either get annoyed and go away and fight somewhere else, or they'll remember what side their bread is buttered on and behave like acceptable adults.

furryminkymoo · 04/11/2016 10:40

I would offer 1 or 2 nights, no more, 4 night is taking the piss.

QueenofallIsee · 04/11/2016 10:46

I am a bit aghast at it being not only about accommodation but you cooking and funding all the bloody food/drink etc!! Presumably you do that every weekend as well? Your sis is a massive piss taker.

SheepyFun · 04/11/2016 10:49

Can you mum travel to them for some of the days she's here?

Memoires · 04/11/2016 11:03

The child may not travel well, but if they were to do it more often he'd get better at it. So for his sake, the should visit on Xmas day with 2 journeys - there and back. And then visit again on Boxing day with two journeys. If your sis wants to see more of your mum, then you could visit them on 27th or something; a good way of finishing leftovers would be to take them with you so 2 birds in one stone there! Then maybe your sis could visit without her dh and ds, and spend some quality time with your mum. Look! I've organised your Xmas for you

Siblings or parents are really the only ones who can broach the subject of their way of interacting and how it affects everyone. In a way, it's your duty to tell her for her own benefit. Cruel to be kind etc. it's really hard, I know. I had to tell my brother about how his drinking affected everyone, including himself; it was one of the hardest things, but it's had some effect, so worth it.

girlywhirly · 04/11/2016 11:27

I would suggest that being very frank with DSIS and BIL about the way they behave is the only way to sort this. If they are so thick skinned that they can't see how upsetting it is for your family, maybe this is the only way to make it plain. If you wish, you can say that unless they stop all the arguing and insulting each other there will be no more Sunday lunches at yours and coming for Christmas will be completely out of the question because DD deserves a happy and stress free time.

Let them take offence if they want, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Literally in this case; they stand to lose more than you do. It is much better to have it out now than completely lose it on Christmas day and throw them out because you can't stand any more of it, and the day will have already been spoilt.

DiscoMike · 04/11/2016 11:42

30 minutes away? And they want to stay for 4 nights? NOOOOO!!! How far is their work commute?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 04/11/2016 12:51

Hi OP

After reading your post, I think that your sister is taking a lot for granted with regards spending so much time with you running around keeping her and her family fed and entertained. Apologies if this has already been mentioned, but couldn't they spend Christmas Day with members of her DH's family?

If this isn't an option, could you maybe send them a Christmas hamper containing the food that they enjoy eating at yours for them to have at their own home on Christmas Day and they could maybe come and stay on Boxing Day instead?

I also think that the bickering needs addressing. My Dsis and ex BiL had form for this, and ruined many a family gathering. They need to know while this may be their normal, that it isn't nice or normal behaviour and they should be more aware of other people's feelings.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2016 13:56

No. Just no. I being the captive audience for other people's bickering and arguing. Bloody hate it. You want to bicker, fine; but don't make me party to it by doing it in front of me and certainly not in my home!

"I will comment on their relationship because by making arguments a constant bloody feature of every weekend at my house ..."
What ? They are at yours every weekend? Seriously, that has to stop too. No wonder your poor daughter commented on it.

You need to have a serious discussion with your sister.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2016 13:59

"I being" = I hate being

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