To ask you to help me prepare for life as a single mother? Please tell me everything I need to know.

[ferriswheel]

Me, three pre school boys...... what's the emotional and practical stuff I need to prepare for?

tia

Wine!

OP. I remember changing my youngest ds nappy, and not being able to see him through the tears.
Breastfeeding and dripping tears on his head. Not wanting to name him because I so desperately wanted his father to leave his other woman and be the man/father I wanted him to be.
Being picked up from hospital after the birth, then left, still with dirty dishes in the sink and 4 dcs arriving soon, while he went back to the other woman.
Feeling humiliated at being a single parent with so many children. Not being able to afford holidays, or treats.

I am devastated that my dcs don't have a loving father. That he doesn't see them, care for them, or appear to give a shiny shit.

But........
I am so proud of my dcs - and myself, and now hold my head bloody high. I'm good at my job, and we've all come so, so far.
You will be too OP.
Of that, I've no doubt.

I also can't imagine living with a partner now. I'm the boss at home
I suit myself and the dcs, we do what we want and go where we please, when we want, consulting no one.
I love my own company, can read book after book, watch endless soaps on my own tv, in my own bedroom, snuggled up in my own bed.
I can don my eyemask, earplugs and curlers at night, with no one caring, and don't feel obligated to have sex with a man I can't stand

I could go on and bloody on!!

The fallout has varied really. In the early days exH was persuading me he was a changed man, he saw the error of his ways and was ready to address it all, including the violence and the control. I was overjoyed as it looked like I was not going to be a single mum after all. We would live happily ever after.

That lasted a few months before I realised he was lying (telling me he had changed but cleaning out his bank accounts into his dads ones at the same time). Telling me the violence perpetrator course organisers had not contacted him, till they called me themselves and told me he had declined the place they had open for him. etc, etc. That was tough and was a new harsh reality check for me, to finally accept we were over.

This was followed by the threats and the nastiness, him really showing his true colours. Extremely manipulative of the children, my eldest DD was 7 (not 9) and suffered quite badly because of this. Daddy told her that it was mummy's fault that he was so lonely, and she was being silly just because daddy hit her, its no big deal, mum is selfish and ruining all of our lives etc. That was the hardest period of all, the guilt of thinking I had potentially screwed up my girls childhoods and their future financial prospects was extremely difficult to live with. I was close to caving and going back to him many a time. I posted a lot on MN and got lots of support to keep me going.

Now it's just settled down to the little control he has. Messing about with seeing the children - very infrequent and erratic, deliberately returning them very late on a school night just because he can, being lazy with them, etc. Also fighting child maintenance - he wouldn't pay, so I went to the CMS, and then he lied about his income, he currently has 3 different appeals on with them to reduce his payments, all have been rejected and he is in arrears. He will continue to fight this forever as it proves (in his head) that he is in control. All of these petty games now feel like much more low level stuff that I can cope with now.

What got me through was:

• posting on MN alot. In the early days I posted about every single tiny thing. Lots and lots of people have been through the stress and heartache of leaving an EA husband, their strength was so helpful.

• writing down the horrible things he did and said, so I can remember how bad he was and how it was absolutely the right decision to leave him

• telling friends and family what had happened during our marriage - it felt like validation

• attending the Freedom Programme (HIGHLY recommend you do this, in person and not online if possible)

• paid for counselling at a local women's advice centre

• told the children's new school what had happened, so they could support the children appropriately. They got me a family support worker who came to my house a few times to support us. She was lovely but rubbish but it was the thought that counts - my daughter felt listened to, and very trusting that I would do all I can to make her feel better. My bond with my children has increased 100-fold since I left. We were strong before I left but we are super close now. I am so proud I have done the right thing by them all.

• Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft to make sense of his abusive behaviour

• Read I stay or should I go? by Lundy Bancroft when I was having wobbles about leaving

• Self-referred myself for anxiety counselling via the local IAPT service - you can find your closest one here

• I now have more counselling at the women's centre, but will soon self-refer to IAPT again to do this

Every time I thought I was ok, I got more counselling to help me to keep talking and dealing with my emotions. Once I had more control over my feelings I was/am a much better mum to my children because it becomes more and more about meeting their needs rather than being clouded by my misjudgement.

You could do the Freedom Programme and the reading whilst you are still in the house

Going No Contact (always recommended on MN) was the best thing ever. We communicate via text regarding the children pick ups. Any other messages no matter how abusive, untrue, goading, etc just do not get a reply.

It is VERY hard to do to begin with as you want to defend yourself, but it really, really works. He doesn't get a reaction from me anymore, so he does it far less. I am sure he used to get a massive kick out of nasty text conversations.

It's all stopped now.

The world is SO much better out of an abusive marriage, I feel like I can breathe again.

And for me I find it so hard because I don't know what to dream of anymore. I feel like I've been poisoned.

This sentence brings back lots of memories. I felt so broken after I left. Find yourself again, you can, and you will. it's so so hard in the beginning. My counsellor told me I MUST find myself again. Schedule in a nice activity every single day. It can be something as simple as a five minute walk or painting your nails. It's all about showing yourself some kindness. This will become routine, to show yourself some love when your arsehole of a partner didn't.

You are an amazing woman to have the courage to end this. Many are not able to get to this stage.

Beautifullymixed you sound amazing. So very happy and content!

Its tough at first but you can do this. Not just because you dont have any choice, you just can.
Explain to your kids that you are all hurting, but you can pull together and help each other.
My best money saving tip is to pay your bills by direct debit, go paperless, and get the best deal you can on your gas and electric. You can save hundreds of pounds every year.
Get Economy 7. Run your washing machine on that, its a third of the price of daytime electricity. Look at your machine, if it doesnt have timer it needs a manual switch (thats like a light switch), not an electronic switch. You can get timer switches at PoundLand for £3 but they wont work with an electronic switch. Poundland also do bulk deals on things like fabric softener.
Learn to cook, buy in bulk and batch freeze meals. Use a shopping list, dont shop when you are hungry. If its on offer, you definately use it and it wont go off, stock up.
Make sure you use energy saving light bulbs, they really do make a difference to your bills.

Thank you everyone. You are all very inspirational.

Can anyone give me insight into how they got over their frustration at not being able to fix their relationship?

One of my saddest things is knowing that my h is actually not a nice person. It makes me sad for him more than anyone.

How can this have happened?

Practical tips:
Get amazon prime. I adore next day/same day delivery.
DS :mum I have a football match tomorrow, I need football socks/swimming shorts for school lessons - all delivered to the door.
Amazon now - 2 hour food delivery. Milk /bread/cereal/nappies , all to the door in two hours. If you have prime, just download the app.
Tesco food delivery. Also, if you have the delivery saver, you get tesco direct free next day delivery. Need school uniform? A party outfit? New shoes? All delivered free to your door the next day.
Next, fast delivery to the door, also next day or same day delivery.
These, and basically all online shopping, saved me when I couldn't make it out the house

Find out all the free activities in your area. Toddler groups, play schemes or anything that will keep you sane, amuse your dcs, and more importantly, get you out of the house.

Get organised. I love my lake land airer. I wash and hang before work, put away in the evening, or first thing the next morning.
I don't iron, I shake as it leaves the machine, hang on hangers, or lay flat on the airer.
I have a place for everything, so things are easily found.
I put all clothes out the night before, get shoes ready, bags packed etc.
I sorted/cleaned the buggy as we came in, and restocked the changing bag - so it was ready to go when next needed.

I cut corners with dinner (this was the time when I was the most tired), did packed lunch style dinners, sandwhiches, chopped fruit and veg, cheese cubes etc they loved it.

We bathe in the morning, always have. At night, quick wash before bed. No long routine. We get up, and have more energy for showers.

My children all did chores from a young age. We all muck in now. I cook, ds12 will do dishes, ds10 will polish and hoover, while I fold the days washing.
We are a team.
I expect them to polish their school shoes, make their beds, help with the cats, hoover, polish and do dishes (not all at the same time! )

I just wanted to say from the perspective of someone raised by a single Mum, that your DCs will pick up on the effort you put in and how hard you work to make life nice for them. They'll grow up to respect you and see you as a role model for hard work. My Mum and I felt like a little team, good luck.

ferriswheel, I am sorry for making you cry
If a relationship is toxic, then you feel poisoned, it is a physical feeling as well as a mental grayscale. When I left, I wrote for days in my journal breathe, keep breathing. It took a long time to stop running mentally. It also took a long time to mentally unwind from all the things which had to be done to keep the peace. Give yourself time. I am still unwinding, so to speak. But yes, the spring after I left, I noticed the colour, how vibrant the blossoms were. Later that year, I noticed the sky. I am no longer so closed and fearful. I cope, I more than cope. You will too.

Best tip, your lawyer is not your counsellor. Know what your objectives are, write them down and reason them out on paper before you go in.

namechanger2015 thank you so kindly!
Although I've come a long way, I was unable to read much of your post, because of the memories it brought back

The manipulation and gaslighting nearly sent me over the edge. I am left with depression and OCD. I have isolated myself over the years. I still fight daily, to overcome my demons. I don't trust men easily.

However life is now though, remembering how it was, I say a prayer of gratitude.
I no longer worry about who is sleeping with who, where anyone is, or what they are doing. I no longer hide my cash/jewellery, or wonder if the kids will be let down again, when he doesn't pick them up
Much to be thankful for!

CocoaX your words touched me
I also more than cope.

I once stood in the street (in the early days) and looked at the sky. Really looked.
I cried when I got in.

I love beautiful smells, flowers, watching the sea, reading until my eyes water, people watching, and a meal cooked for me by others. I find utter pleasure in simple things.

You will too OP.
I promise you

I've been on my own for 8 years now and it's true -you have to get that voice or look .. what I mean is you have to let the kids know that you're in charge and that you won't take any shit from them as otherwise they will run rings round you .
Mine both know that when I say no I mean it and no amount of whinging , pleading , crying will change it .
You have to become a dab hand at diy too .
It's not all doom and gloom -you'll grow to love it -as happy , peaceful , contented home with out the arguements and atmosphere hanging over you.
Yes it some times gets lonely and a bit overwhelming but the good times outway the bad.
My dd's don't go for sleepovers at their dads house so I don't get any nights off so to speak but in all honesty I wouldn't change it for the world -I think that's why I've stayed single -I just love the life I have with my dd's and don't need any to complicate it

I do everything beautifullymixed does in terms of online deliveries. Don't tell Sainsburys but I would pay £20 for their delivery service but it's basically free. That's how valuable it is to me. And Amazon Prime for everything else - World Book Day, new plimsolls, replacement light bulbs.

Just be careful about Economy 7 though. I worry about house fires running machines at night.

And my guilty secret/breakthrough idea when I was on my knees? One night we were very late home and the DCs who were both under 4 had to be bathed (another thing I cut back on but on this occasion they were filthy) and they still hadn't had dinner. I was exhausted and I just couldn't face cooking and clearing up and then the whole bath routine. My solution - a cereal bar in the bath. Kids fed and washed in one go and no washing up required . It happened more than once....One day when I start a blog for single parents I'll call it Cereal Bar in the Bath. I think it sums up the lows (it's just all on you and sometimes you can't do it all) and the highs (you get creative, come up with something a bit daft and in the end everyone is still alive, fed and cared for).

A Cereal Bar in the Bath!!! I bloody love it!!! How wonderful!!!

I feed mine out and about to avoid the cleaning up already but that is genius.

There are so many of you out there being inspirational. I guess I shouldn't be sad to be part of such an impressive club!

Yes! to eating out, especially after school. Arive home, with kids already fed. No cooking or washing up.

Also a big yes to early nights. Go to bed the same time as dcs. I read, watch TV, surf the net, all that free time undisturbed. Then still sleep at a decent time.

Just eat comes up as one of my favourite websites

I get the amazon man to lug my huge cat litter bags and a months supply of cat food for two cats , up the stairs, straight to my door.

I send my dcs to breakfast club at school. Give them a cup of tea /crumpet /toast before they go, but main meal at school. Gets us out earlier, and me to work on time.

I get all my skin care, most of my make up, dress up items, household stuff from amazon. My dcs hate shopping, like me. All to the door, with a click of the button.
I have it all in my basket, add to it through the month, then click on payday.

I let my cat (the one I love) sleep on my bed with me. It soothes me, and I know I'm extra loved.

My house is decorated exactly how I chose. I wouldn't know how to accept someone's taste, especially if it wasn't what I liked.
I decide dcs schools, and basically have the final say in all things.

I agree with being firm and taking no shit.
My dcs know I mean business and what I say goes. I have been know to chuck away toys that have not been tidied after repeated requests, I ban console time when needed - and I don't give in.
I have also dished out chores as punishments when necessary, ie. ds12 has lied about having detention after school, got home two hours late, after a kick about in the park. Set him scrubbing the oven /fridge/tidying up/hoovering /cleaning out cupboards - result = humble ds, and a clean oven etc. Win win

I think a lot of making life easier relies on money, and that can get eaten up in legal fees or failure to pay maintenance or all these things. How you manage practically will be shaped by the money available. But even when money is tight, I do try and have a routine of going somewhere at the weekends. A lot of my parenting goes into teaching DC that money does not come out of a wall, it is a finite resource, don't take things if you don't need or want really.

Time is also a resource, which is why I say it depends on the childcare split. I am pretty much resident carer, in part because DS has SN and also made disclosures about things at sleepovers, which are now subject to legal process. All of that throws any expectations of how things should be out the window. But mostly, leaving a controlling relationship where the abuse continued after separation, I have found it a long and slow process of working out how to live and what DC need in place to not only function but fulfil their potential in day to day life. None of that happens overnight.

You have no idea how things will develop - sometimes it is about holding on, other times you can plan and look forward.

As for the question of fixing the marriage, that takes two people pulling together in the same direction. There is a romantic myth that enough love can turn your man into the ideal partner; that doesn't work, it is the road to self-exploitation as you do more and more to try and fix things which are not within your ability to fix. I left, not because I no longer loved my husband, but because I could not have my life controlled as a result of that love.

We are still not divorced, it has proved very hard to divorce someone who likes to control things, but he is not here, in my house, making sure my day revolves around meeting his needs. Extricating my brain from the knowledge that my actions now will be making him angry, and the fear - you know, that is harder. But my responsibility is to myself and DC. One of whom is the alien of the moon at the moment

You have all given me so much to think about, a lot of what you have said is quite profound. I guess what Cocoa said sums it up for me, that my life can't be rubbish because I love h. I am so sad that he has lost credibility by fighting me so hard about absolutely anything and everything.

Thanks too for the practical advice. I'm off to investigate all of these Amazon deliveries.