To ask you to help me prepare for life as a single mother? Please tell me everything I need to know.

[ferriswheel]

Me, three pre school boys...... what's the emotional and practical stuff I need to prepare for?

tia

Always have a loaf of bread and a pint of milk in the freezer, so you don't find yourself wondering whether it's ok to pop out and get some at 11pm This, and also a shiny pound coin, because teeth only fall out after 10pm on rainy nights.....
ExH bought me out of the house and I moved on with 2DC, their beds and toys, a love seat, a TV on a stand, a bookcase of books. Everything was down to me. It was not easy. In fact it was bloody hard. But I remember standing in the garden one night when the DCs were in bad, hugging myself and laughing into the rain. I was so happy. Yes, it is hard, but if you are doing it all anyway then all you lose with your ex is the angry feeling you have from having to do it all. Once it is your job then that feeling goes, even though you are doing the same stuff.
You are going to be fine OP, because you can do it now, you'll be able to do it then.

Prepare for questions and be upfront with your kids (obviously within reason, they don't need the messy details). Mine was a baby when his father moved out and my son only really realised that most of his friend's parents lived in the same house when he started school.... His questions blindsided me.

I agree with the poster above who said you might not get invited to 'couples' nights, I really found out who my real friends were. Couples I'd known for years seemed incapable of socialising with other couples and a single woman, I was still invited to general or female only social events with them though! Luckily not everyone is like that though and it makes it easier to cut out the deadwood.

Another thing - it can be hard to regain your social life and meet someone new, when my son goes to his dads I'm often too tired to hit the town and it's so much effort to go dating. I've watched my son's father pick up his pre child social life, go off travelling lots and settle down with his new wife. It would be easy to become bitter watching from the sidelines, sleep deprived and covered in baby sick. One plus is the incredibly close bond you form with your kid when it's just you and them for the majority of the time though.

Try to keep it as amicable as possible for the children's sake. Don't play games and keep any animosity well away from them.

It's tough and it can be lonely but it's incredibly rewarding too. Most people don't set out to be single parents and you might spent some time grieving for the life you don't have. Don't spent too long dwelling on shattered dreams, make new ones. Look to the positive, look after your self, build up those important support networks and friendships and you will be fine. Good luck

Yes elf to the pound coin - this happened to me last week! Luckily had a little stocking filler I'd already bought that I substituted for a coin!

Judgement from others is an interesting one. I have been on the receiving end of some very judgemental comments. My skin is like rhino hide these days but it can really hurt if they catch you at a bad moment. You just have to laugh at people's total lack of empathy sometimes! I had a bit of a school gate sneery thing when DS was small about being a single mother who went off to her high flying job and why had I bothered having a child at all. An alternative explanation was a lone parent who had been unexpectedly left (as in did a flit with no forwarding address when he changed his mind about having a family) and was keeping a roof over her son's head with absolutely no help whatsoever from his father.

I am genuinely baffled at the sneers dished out to lone parents. We're the responsible ones who DON'T fuck off and leave our kids not the irresponsible asshats who do!

Apply for tax credits asap, as it can take a while for them to be processed.

Be kind to yourself, lower your standards for the house etc and make sure you still get time out relaxing!

Make a plan for your "free" time when the kids are with their dad. you will get used to it but it takes a while, best to stay v busy while it is new and strange.

Hang onto and hide away passports and birth certificates of the kids. Sounds awful but do it!!

Don't trust your ex to behave once the reality of the split happens; get to mediators and get sensible arrangements drawn up asap.

Never slag off your ex to the kids however tempting. Make a promise to yourself now that you will always put your kids first rather than get dragged into point scoring; it's hard but worth it.

I agree with jenlindy make sure you have a good bedtime routine.

I was a single mum to 3 pre schoolers to (there dad choose No contact to) and being able to get them into bed for 7pm every night with no drama was a godsend, it gave me a few hours to myself of a evening to just chill, have a long bath, watch to read a book whatever

I'm still a single mum but they are 10,12,14 nearly now so my evenings don't tend to be my own and I really miss them days

I would suggest that if you do need emergency calpol/antihistamine/milk whatever, Facebook isn't actually a bad call. I've got 2 DC and have delivered stuff to struggling friends a few times, because a) they asked and b) I could. I felt good to help, they felt relief that they had got the stuff they needed. Nobody loses. I'd ask for help too if it was me.

Cultivate your neighbours. Our neighbour is a single mum and I often ask her little boy over to play with mine for a few hours! She invites ours over too, so it's a mutual arrangement that helps us all. A nice resource to have, if possible.

Re the judgement on FB thing. I do go out a lot at weekends. I love to dance, go to festivals, parties etc. Obviously I'm not hungover around the children.

I got quite a few head tilts and faux concern if I was "okay hon". I got a message from someone (anonymous) that I should be careful about being tagged in things as SS might be concerned .

The final straw was when their dad asked if he could take them away for a week in the summer. I booked a long weekend in Ibiza with some friends and had a fantastic time. A "friend" posted some ridiculous meme about how "I don't understand mums who go away and leave their kids, I'm happiest snuggled up with my babies watching a movie" . A few other friends piled in with oh yeah me too Hun could never leave my kids comments.

In the end I put it down to jealousy. They are the same women who moan their husbands are never home and always at the pub, posting shit pretending they are happy with their lot in life (basically no time for themselves always dumped with the kids). I deleted them.

I'm not doing anything wrong enjoying my alone time. But the judgement was and is still there.

I was a single mum until my son turned 5 when I met my partner.

1. It's not as bad as people who aren't single mums think.
2. It can be difficult at times but it is all worth it.
3. Take your kids with you to stuff that YOU want to do as well as the other way around. My son and I went out for dinner a lot together when he was 2 or 3....and we still have brunch out now and again without my partner.
4. Where possible assume the maintenance money isn't coming and don't factor it into your budget. I knew my son's father was a douche who would never pay and we didn't see him from dust but I ALSO know of middle class professional men who you would have tho8ght would be super responsible who had previously seemed to be decent fathers decide that actually that whole maintenance thing isn't for them and not pay. It can take a long time to sort out
5. Do your hair and make up every day. Looking nice always made me feel better in he exhausted days (bare minerals foundation hides a multitude of sins!)
6. Friday night movie night. Netflix and popcorn with your boys on the couch. You will fall asleep hahaha!
7. Look at the husbands of those around you and be relieved you don't need to shag them
8. Get ready for the pity/passive aggressive comments and learn to laugh at them. Understand that some women are terrified of single mothers and will be terrified that you are out to steal their husband

Have fun. My dad said to me thT for some people being single is lonely but being in the wrong relationship is much lonlier.

Take your kids with you to stuff that YOU want to do as well as the other way around. My son and I went out for dinner a lot together when he was 2 or 3....and we still have brunch out now and again without my partner.

Yes to this! I wish I had realised earlier that I could still do things I enjoyed with my children tagging along.

My dad and mum are still together and growing up my mum worked nights so weekends were spent with me and my DSis toddling after my dad like a pair of puppies. We didn't do activities lie my DC Do now, we went were he wanted to go which was his hobby (horses). We were out in the fresh air all day, socialising, learning skills and making friends. And my dad still got to do his hobby! Him and his friends took turns watching the kids when it was whoever's turn to compete. We had a blast. I don't know why it didn't occur to me as a parent I could have that too. My weekends are all geared around the DC.

Wrt the judging: people judge. No matter what you do there will be some bastard sticking their nose up at it and sneering. You will never please everyone. And do you know what's so great about your life? It's your life! Youre not living it to please anyone else. If you want to go to Ibiza? Fucking go! (I've been with friends whilst being a single parent) as long as your DC are being cared for you're doing nothing wrong. People will always judge. For some people it's like a hobby. Who cares. Please yourself, they don't live your life. Took me far too long to realise that too.

Friday night movie night. Netflix and popcorn with your boys on the couch. You will fall asleep hahaha!

We do this too! Been doing it for years (since DVD rental was still a thing! ) it's a great wee tradition to have.

Wrt the loneliness: I actually prefer my own company. I'm an introvert and don't really cope well with someone else there all the time. But the only time I really do miss having someone here is when there is Ann issue. Like at school, or a behavioural situation. It would be good to have someone else there who had the same concern for my DC as me to talk things over with. Sometimes when you just don't know what to do for best. In the past i used to try and talk to my EXp but he is particularly lazy when it comes to parenting and was no support at all. In fact he wouldn't often make things worse by telling me what I had been doing wrong all these years. So I don't go there anymore.

I have not had the time to read the whole thread. My main question is whether the separation is amicable, will the co-parenting be amicable or are you fighting your way out bit by bit.

It depends on the situation how I would frame my advice

I don't know the answer Cocoa. It is easier now already. One of my biggest problems before was that my h shut all conversation down and now we don't bother. I guess not amicable is the answer but things have actually improved, kind of. Improved but totally shit iyswim?

I couldn't.

Not with three.

Rainy

What do you mean 'I couldn't'? I have to. I don't have a choice. Its been increasingly awful, hardcore ea. There will be nothing left of me if I stay.

Lol rainy you would find the strength to do anything if you really had to!

I'm a single mum to three as well. They are 4, 7 and 9. Ex was also very ea.

I have been separated for the past two years and am now finding my way. The first year was largely spent dealing with the emotional fall out from the divorce, now we are rebuilding our own lives again and it's great. Having our own traditions and new rules for the house really helps us.

I couldn't :)

But I admire you, if it's what you want.

Rainy

'What I want?'

No, its most definitely not what I want. I wanted him to be a lovely husband and father.

Option A - stay married to a very angry, non communicative, selfish, angry, workaholic, angry (did I say angry?) man.

Option B - get divorced and stop yourself from dying inside.

This was not what I dreamt of, believe me.

I'm a single mum to 3. There's no such thing as 'couldnt' ! If you are left on your own and you've got 3 kids, what are you going to do? Say, 'no I can't do this, going to have to get rid of one of the kids' or just get on with it??!
You can do it. It's not easy but it's less stressful in lots of ways than it is being in an unhappy relationship

You could if you had to rainy. If your partner were to become ill or die or to leave you. You'd cope.

2015 What's the most difficult fall out from the divorce?

No-one wants to leave, no-one chooses for the relationship they started with to begin to destroy them. Leaving is asserting that you want to live, and live in a different, more positive way. How life as a single mum pans out is very dependent on being 'allowed' to do that by your partner and not just controlled or emotionally abused at a greater distance. But even a greater distance is better because you remember how to be yourself one step at a time.

If at any stage, you have the time and the money, and it may not be immediate, get yourself some counselling to remind you that you did all you could, ending your marriage was the choice you had to make to be the best person and mother you can be, and that life is beautiful.

I see colour and I see the sky, it changes every day. I had stopped seeing those things. That is not practical advice but for me, the sky changes so situations change. There will be tough times, there will be great times. But your house will be peaceful.

Cocoa

You've made me cry. I am so sad my kids have a Fairweather Father. And for me I find it so hard because I don't know what to dream of anymore. I feel like I've been poisoned.

OP. I was a single parent of 5dcs.
My ds was newborn, my other ds was two and a half, my elder dcs were 10, 11 and 13. I had horrific postnatal depression, and could barely leave the small flat we lived in.
I developed crippling OCD that made life even harder.
The emotional abuse and manipulation from the scumbag I had children with, carried on for two more years - until I said no more!
I cut contact completely and made a life for us, with family and good friends to support us.
Now, eight years later, all three elder dcs are at university, after completing their A levels. Two live out, and all have loving successful relationships. My youngest dcs are thriving at school, and I work myself (something I never thought I'd be able to do).
I supported my dcs singlehandedly, went to parents evenings alone (or with a baby or two!) , decorated, fed and clothed them all.
We no longer see the 'father' and I give thanks for that daily

You can do it OP. It's good to be prepared. I am organised and love a routine, but just focus on getting through the day at first.

I was told this by a good friend in the early days, to find something everyday that makes you smile. Whether it's dancing madly with your dcs, praising their schoolwork, or laughing at a funny joke.
Anything at all. Find some joy in your day.
After a while, you will all adjust, and hopefully things will become easier, and the joy will be easier to find.

Beautifully

5!!! That is so impressive. Mine are aged 1, 2 and 3. I can't imagine two more as well.

I like the joy tip. It reminds me when my first was born. I read on mn that you should always have a cup of tea on your own each day.

Any tips on emergency provisions apart from a gold coin, milk, Calpol and bread.

I've only ever been a single Mum, and I will never be anything else, I love my life the way it is, I don't want a full time partner or anyone else in my bed overnight.

I can honestly say I've never been judged. If I have been I don't give a shit!

The only practical advice I can give is to have a full medicine box, then you don't have to bundle them all in the car late at night for calpol/snot spray/olbas oil etc.

I make all of the decisions and do what I want, I like it that way.