To think that if you become a childminder you should not just take 'easy' children

[Introvertedbuthappy]

I go back to work in December and decided on a childminder to look after my baby for the three days a week I'll be working. As I started looking in September I was asked to pay £150 a month until then to hold the place (1 day a week's fees) and as part of that could obviously use that day as childcare (as it was already being paid for). All fine.
Since then he has been there 3.5 days (CM wanted to cut one day short to go on holiday at a day's notice). On Tuesday she called to say that she will no longer look after my 6.5 month old as he is 'a difficult baby', 'cries a lot' and 'needs a lot of attention'. She also described an incident where her 3 year old got so frustrated with my son's crying her child 'screamed in his face, which was distressing not only for yoyr son, but myself and my daughter'. She has 'never seen a baby like it' (not in a positive way).
I am both devastated and angry. He is generally a happy chap, does like a lot of stimulation, but is happy to roll around/jump in his jumparoo/chase a pack of wipes round, but does obviously need to be picked up sometimes (ie like a typical baby). He doesn't sleep much but is generally not grumpy with it.
I'm upset about a number of things - the screaming incident, the language used about my son to turn down the contract and the fact I've pissed £150 down the drain to hold a place I can't take up.
So, AIBU or should she have attempted to settle him better before branding him a 'difficult' baby?

[OlennasWimple]

I'm really glad that it seems to have a good outcome, OP

[Matchingbluesocks]

I find your post completely bizarre horse. I am certainly not looking down on nursery nurses- they ante some of the most important people in my children's lives and have always become friends. However you seem to be hinting that working parents (mothers) should consider giving up work if childcare doesn't work out which you were "lucky enough" smug to do. I think it's fair to point out its a different kettle of fish giving up a large wage because it brings a much bigger lifestyle change with it.

I won't read your PM and please don't mail me anymore.

[Horsepower9]

Stop bragging about your large wage and bigger lifestyle you will upset the 10 quid an hour nursery staff

[My2centsworth]

Horse will you just get down of your high self?

First you tell all Mums to work. Read back what you said it was not what you would do, you told the OP what she should do, not cool.

Now you are defending childcare workers. You are being more tab a tad inconsistent.

[My2centsworth]

*tab=than

[My2centsworth]

Grr all mums not to work.

[Matchingbluesocks]

I'm not upsetting anyone horse. You've upset quite a few, however.

[BillSykesDog]

reap the benefits you feel you are unable provide for your child at home.

Well at least that home is bloody there and food is on the table. I wonder why some silly mothers concentrate on paying the rent and putting food on the table? Silly billies. Being starving and homeless is nothing compared to the enrichment your child will receive whilst accommodated in a B&B full of drunks and drug addicts with no benefits cos their Ma quit her job. Can't possibly think why more people don't do it.

(Sarcasm)

[Patriciathestripper1]

New to this thread but been reading the unfolding saga re working verses non working. Should be given its own thread really...
I think given the choice probably 90pc of working mums would all like to stay at home with their dc if they didn't need the income. I work and my Dc have a nanny after a cm didn't work out, but I would be at home in a heartbeat if we didn't need the money. I think I am reading a hint if envy from the other posters regarding Horses position.

[ChocolateWombat]

It's an interesting question whether most women would like to stay at home, given the choice. In the 70s and 80s when it widely became a choice, many women who could afford to stay at home, chose to work - not always full time, but they opted to work.
My feeling is that many women who work would like to work less. So it's not necessarily all or nothing for many people. Many women do gain a lot from working in terms of income, independence and stimulation.....and feel their whole families npbenefit from them working. However, working and running a family is hard, so many women would probably like a bit more balance and to have more time at home whilst still working some of the time.
Yes, there might be some kind of envy of Horse referring to how lucky she is to be at home (people might not envy her being at home all the time, but might envy the choice to do it, or to choose how much to work) but resent the implication that a number have perceived that being at home is the better option and other choices not so good - and what is of course a bit annoying is the fact that most people don't actually have that choice anyway - they need to work, so the option they have taken to work is implied to be less good, but also isn't even always their choice.
If you have the choice about working or not, or the choice to just work a few hours, you are fortunate. Having empathy for the fact that not everyone has those choices is pretty important on a thread about childcare. Even if you do think your own choice (which you were lucky enough to have in the first place) was the right one for your own family (regardless of if you directly say it would be right for everyone) you have to be careful with your choice of words and how you express it.....because if you aren't careful those words can easily cause offence.....as they have here. Offence might not have been intended, but when several people react the same way, that should be an indication that perhaps the way things were expressed wasn't the most tactful.
Am I envious - perhaps slightly of people who have total free choice to absolutely do or not do what they want to, if it leads to better outcomes for them than myself. However, although I also recognise that me working has been good f. or me and my whole family and I genuinely think we'd all be worse off in lots of ways if I'd been at home all of the time. I feel glad I've been able to work and to work part-time, because the balance in my life is good for us. I recognise that different people benefit from different balances. Some want to work full time and that works for them. Others want to stay at home and it works for them. Some find themselves working more or less than they would like because they don't have a choice, but make the best of the situation we find ourselves in. It's easy to forget or not have any empathy for others. SAHM who fill their days with domestic and childcare stuff, plus other things they choose to do, can find it hard to imagine how working parents fit everything in or how it can be as good a life, if different to their own. Likewise, working parents can struggle to imagine what meaningful things SAHM find to do all day, or how they cope without stimulation or if they provide quality time, or that it can be a good life, if different to their own.
It's just good to acknowledge people make different choices and when describing our own, to be tactful in describing them, so we don't sound smug or judgmental, even if it's not intended.

[Patriciathestripper1]

That was a very balanced and well put point of view wombat.

[Matchingbluesocks]

It's an interesting question. I can say categorically I am not jealous of SAHM- I could give up work if I wanted to be one. So taking that aside, the truth is my ideal would be a more flexible job. More home working (with everyone around me home working because the truth is this is what really holds me back) and less presenteism.

I do want to work. I'm highly qualified and unfortunately I don't like being at home with children. I would spend it messing around on my phone or at toddler groups. But I would like a bit of that, it's true.

However I have fairly unique circumstances- no close friends or family in my local area and a job that can't be done part time.

[Matchingbluesocks]

And I can't add any more to the brilliant post on the previous page explaining the advantages we get from childcare. I can't believe the things they do and they seem happy. If at any point that changes, our circumstances would to.

[ChocolateWombat]

Yes, totally agree that what many women find hard about work and would change if they could...isn't the fact that they work at all, but either the length of the hours of a lack of flexibility. It's the fitting everything in, when children's lives are routines aren't always totally rigid, but are a bit flexible themselves.
More women probably would work, even if they could afford not to, if they could do fewer hours, or get school hours, or hours that allow flexibility on some days, or find childcare that allowed for short bursts of care at the times they need.
It's a hard one. Some work places are very rigid and are really only interested in full timers and not willing to be flexible at all - off putting to lots of people. Other work places try pretty hard.....but they still need to ensure their workplaces are manned and have certainty about having enough workers there at the times needed, so even with some flexibility, cannot always offer the level of flexibility that a mum might ideally like - so the ability to go to the school nativity, which is mid morning and with little notice, to pick up at 3.15 3 days a week, to go into an impromptu assembly on Thursday at 2.00, to be able to take JOnny to Karate at 3.30 on Thursday, to be able to stay at home for 2 days when Jonny is ill, without any feeling s of guilt or worry etc etc. Plus being able to manage flexibility at work too - so being able to stay until 7pm to prepare a big presentation, knowing the flexible childcare is there. Most workplaces and most childcare simply won't be able to provide the full level of flexibility that would make our lives as working parents so much easier and better. Some of us are lucky and manage some flexibility with work and childcare. Others of us have very little. I suspect most working parents would like a bit more....but that doesn't mean they would prefer not to work.

[Matchingbluesocks]

Excellent post wombat

[ChocolateWombat]

I feel really lucky actually. I work 4 days, so get the 1 day off to catch up on housework etc. My DH works from home 2 days a week and can vary those, so that gives us the flexibility for him to pop to a school event, because he can easily make up the hours and his work are not into presenteism, or to worried about exactly when his work is done, as long as he does it - and he is diligent and always works to is standard, not taking advantage. Additionally, my DC are in a school which starts at 8.10am and I can drop them at 7.55 and make it to work. They don't finish until 4.30 at the earliest and often 5 or 6, which I can get to, because I also work in a school and can work in the evening, but don't need to be present after 4pm, although I do stay until 6 2 days a week, when DC are at school late. Additionally I have the school hols off which helps loads.
I recognise that my job, DHs job and the school the DC go to all allow us greater flexibility than many have. And I'm very grateful, but glad to work.