To expect friend to provide something at party

[krystellie]

A friend wants to have a house party for her 40th early next year. She wants to have it about 3-4 hours from where we all live so we need to travel there. She has also asked us to split the accommodation cost.

She is now talking about us all bringing our own food and drink. AIBU to be surprised that she is wanting us to pay for everything? When this is all her idea? She is in a good job so not short of money.

She has her heart set on this venue so we cannot find anywhere closer to home.

A few years ago one of my close friends decided she wanted to go to NYC for 5 days for her 40th. I just felt it was ridiculous. About a grand each for everyone to go, tons of annual leave etc. In the end enough people politely declined that I think she realised she was being unreasonable and changed it!!

I have no advice really. It's very awkward and I sympathise!

Has this not already been done today?

Glad it's not just me!

I always thought the host should at least provide a buffet and some drinks, especially if the accommodation cost is being shared.

I'm ok for money but paying around £150 for travel & accommodation and then money for food and drink doesn't leave much in my budget for a present.

She sounds very tight. Will she she be expecting presents as well? Do you actually want to go OP?

I really would decline this, even from a close friend.

Host pays, guests bring a birthday gift and maybe a bottle of wine if a home venue.

Hosting or inviting then getting others to pay is wrong.

I like her but I am surprised that she seems to expect us to pay for everything.

Initially I even thought she would pay for the house but now she is talking about splitting it?

Who os sharing accommodation costs? I'd say you pay for your own accommodation if staying over night in hotel. But shouldn't take and food or drink, maybe a bottle of wine for host but not expect esp if sending a gift

I think people who request this sort of thing must be terribly up themselves, I just don't understand it. Hen nights away, birthdays causing great expense. Just dreadfully selfish.

Oh so not at her house, you are renting a place.
If you we're all going away together on a holiday that'd be fine.
But in this situation I can see both sides.

I thought that if we are splitting the cost of the house (that she wants us to stay in), she would offer to put on a buffet - even if simple stuff - and perhaps some wine. Problem is I don't want to fall out with her about it!

Surely the trip away is her gift????

I think perhaps the way forward is for you stay you can't afford more than £x for the whole thing - travel, accommodation, food, drink...

So is it just a weekend / long weekend in a holiday house?

At least your friend has laid out her plans for the evening. You can either decide to go with the flow or decline the invitation. The choice is yours really

I'm sure MNers can help you come up with an excuse, kids, jobs, money related etc

Personally, if I was organising my own birthday party, I would be doing so at my own expense. If I couldn't afford the venue I wanted, I either wouldn't have a party or I'd have it at home.

It's different if friends are organising the celebration but, to me at least, it's incredibly self absorbed to ask people to travel so far & then pay several hundreds of £s just to celebrate my birthday!

You don't have to fall out about it, just say, "Hey are we paying for the accommodation and the party, then?"

What can she say to that?

Sounds to me like she is organising a trip (ie you are all staying away from your respective homes) in which case splitting the accommodation cost is fine.
In the same vein splitting the cost of the party is OK too (similar to splitting food costs if you were all on holiday together?)

If she was inviting you to a house party at her house but then expecting all her guests to stay elsewhere and split the costs I'd think it was rude.

Ok initially I was totally with you, but it sounds like you're all renting a house somewhere for a weekend? In which case I don't think it's unreasonable for you all to pay your own way.

Fuck that, what's wrong with the local. ?

I'd be very happy with the local! :-)

I think it isnt on.

She wants to hire a house and throw a party then she covers the cost. If she cant afford that then tough!

Saying "I am hiring this house, would you mind bringing a dish towards the buffet and a bottle?" then that would be different, but it sounds to me like she wants to have a swanky party paid for by everyone else.

Politely decline. You dont have to give a reason.

Sounds lije a weekend away with mates to me, with the excuse being her birthday. Quite simple really.

If you don't fancy it, don't go.