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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect friend to provide something at party

41 replies

krystellie · 02/11/2016 21:32

A friend wants to have a house party for her 40th early next year. She wants to have it about 3-4 hours from where we all live so we need to travel there. She has also asked us to split the accommodation cost.

She is now talking about us all bringing our own food and drink. AIBU to be surprised that she is wanting us to pay for everything? When this is all her idea? She is in a good job so not short of money.

She has her heart set on this venue so we cannot find anywhere closer to home.

OP posts:

CheckpointCharlie2 · 02/11/2016 22:13

A load of us rented a house away for a friends 40th and all chipped in with money for food and we all paid out equal shares to rent the house.
It's fairly standard in my friendship group?

DixieWishbone · 02/11/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

irregularegular · 02/11/2016 22:22

Hmmmm, I don't know. I think it depends on how much it all costs, and how clear she has been from the start. I think it is fine to suggest that a group of friends go away together for a 40th (it's not every year) with everyone paying their own share, provided that it is something affordable, practical, and fun for everyone. Not if you know it's likely to be difficult for some.

If you suggested to your group of friends that you would like to go out for a meal together for your birthday, would you expect to pay for them? I wouldn't. In fact I've just done this and I'd be amazed if they expected me to pay. Indeed, in some groups everyone pays for the birthday girl's share (I'm not expecting this).

I did have a friend who invited a group for a weekend away in a large house for his 50th. In the end it didn't work out due to availability of the place he wanted. He was going to pay for everything for everyone - but I thought that was extremely generous.

Ohyesiam · 02/11/2016 22:32

Sounds standard to me. Recently went away for the weekend for a friends 50 th, we all shared all the cost for the cottage, and each brought loads of food and drink. It never occured to me that it should be any other way, nor to anyone else in the group I don't think.

MaudlinNamechange · 02/11/2016 22:36

I know someone like this - she moved (actually lots of us moved, but she moved furthest in one direction) and is quite far away now. She announces "I'll host a party for christmas!" and then doesn't ask people to "bring a dish or a bottle" but tells them exactly what dish to bring AND puts a leaving time on the invitation which allows less time for the "party" than it would take me to get there.

OK my family are Irish but I think this all wraps up into being abominably rude

Emberfirefly · 02/11/2016 22:44

Agree with checkpoint - it's a weekend away with friends with the excuse that its someone's birthday. Id expect to contribute towards accommodation and food costs. If I couldn't afford it I'd just say I couldn't go and tell my friend I'd celebrate with her separately another time,

YelloDraw · 02/11/2016 22:48

Got people are so inhospitable.

If she can't afford to host an 'away' party she should have a party at home and cater for that.

When it is YOUR birthday and YOU do the inviting YOU pay

Bogeyface · 02/11/2016 22:49

The reason I think its rude is her level of expectation.

She has billed it as her party weekend for her birthday, but is asking everyone else to pay which isnt on.

She has her heart set on a particular venue, well thats fine but then she needs to pay for it. Or atleast ask to share the cost of the accomodation if others are staying there too, but then stump up the cost of her party that she is hosting!

As a PP said, had it been organised on her behalf by others then it would be different, but this smells of the hen weekend that the hen demands but doesnt pay a penny for.

RNBrie · 02/11/2016 22:55

We've done this a few times. We split the cost of accommodation because it's a weekend away. "Host" pays for the food on one night - the party night if you like - and supplies a shit load of alcohol.

For food on the other days everyone has chipped in bits and pieces, a precooked chilli or curry etc.

If you don't want to go, then just say so. No one should be able to dictate how you spend your time or your money!

NotWeavingButDarning · 02/11/2016 23:22

Sounds fun, but I'm sure she will not take offence if you are unwilling or unable to go.

In other words, if you want to go, then go and have a great time, if not, then just say no thank you.

No drama.

teaandakitkat · 02/11/2016 23:23

It's a bit ask. 3-4 hours travelling, time off work, accommodation costs, food costs. Who else is going? Is it people you would choose to spend a weekend with?

I guess you have to work out how much it is going to cost, say it ends up costing you £500. Will you have £500 worth of fun? If you will then you should pay your share. If not, don't go.

Memoires · 02/11/2016 23:42

Clever woman. She wants a party for her 40th and has realised that if she has it at home, she'll be paying for everything, stuck with all the prep, and have to clear up afterwards herself too.

So, she's having her birthday party at a venue far enough away to ensure her guests have to stay the night thus ensuring that she can drink all evening until late/early, and she won't have any clearing up to do.

Ah! But let's go one step further, she thinks. I don't want to have to sort food, prep and cook and then have to take it all there. I know, I'll ask all my friends to provide food, and I might as well tell them to provide the booze too!

Voila, one all-nighter at no cost. She wins. Hoorah! Trebles all round!

FrancisCrawford · 03/11/2016 05:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/11/2016 08:24

That for me would come across as rude. Yes she can ask, but you have every right to decline the weekend. If she wants to do that, she has to pay, its not acceptable to ask others to pay, it sounds as though it will be quite expensive. Very self indulgent. If she cannot afford it, than the local buffet or Gastropub would suffice.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/11/2016 08:59

Fair enough to share the accommodation costs for the weekend, but as she is 'hosting' the party, she should host the party day, with food and drink herself, and not expect others to put their hands in their pockets, especially as she is expecting everyone to travel to the house and pay for the costs. Very rude!

Whathaveilost · 03/11/2016 09:12

Me and my group of mates do this kind of thing.
Seriously not a big deal or rude.
Go or don't, choice is yours. No need to fall out or take the hump.

We say something like, 'hey, it's my birthday next month, thinking about......... (Whatever). Whose up for it'
Everyone else is either yes, they can make it, no they can't.
We work out cost and whose doing what bring what etc. Not everyone goes to everything depending on cost, work patterns,child care etc and no one gets upset. Funny that!!

MN amaze me about how many people are quick to call rude or being offended. Get over yourselves. Shrug things off it doesn't suit, embrace it if it does. Keep life simple and as angst free as possible!

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