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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset baby & adjoining wall

41 replies

whyyyyy · 02/11/2016 13:01

Hello,
I live in a small one bedroom flat, my neighbours live in a spacious three bedroom flat and their one and only adjoining wall to mine is the one they have their baby in (opposite side of the flat to their bedroom plus a spare bedroom). Baby is about 8/9 months and I won't bash on but the latest was that on Monday night his cries woke me up at 2 am, he was still going at 2.45 and I went to sleep on my sofa. I can't move rooms- my lounge is combined with kitchen so I have no choice. They could absolutely move their baby to the room next to theirs that isn't occupied. I can hear everything, he is being left to cry. I have nannied newborns, mastered controlled crying, always helping people out with sleep training advice, the works. I know that babies cry and babies are babies but this baby is left.to.cry. I haven't met these neighbours, I am sometimes also disrupted by the mum out front smoking with a glass of wine talking to a friend though late weekend evenings so I'm sure there is generally little consideration for neighbours.
My AIBU is... I have compiled a nice and funny note which starts off with 'you may not be aware because why would you unless told?, goes on to suggest them potentially considering a room move to a room that doesn't adjoin (which is any other) and ends in my offer to help with sleep training or babysitting if ever needed. I have also invited them over so that they can see just how much can be heard through that wall, included a beer/coffee/wine'. I commute 2 hours to London most days and it's disrupting me massively. I would buzz their flat but I get home from work late and I leave early so wouldn't want to risk waking their baby (I know). Is this reasonable to post the note? P.S I wear earplugs EVERY NIGHT, the best kind, they do nothing, it's like he is on my shoulder. I am not lying when I say that he can go a good hour crying alone and it isn't just this week, it has been months. I have had this letter ready for about a month and just haven;t sent. To add to it all I miscarried about three weeks ago and it's like psychological torture as well as constant sleep theft!

OP posts:

GipsyDanger · 02/11/2016 13:02

YABU buy a house if you don't like it. Nut up and shut up.

Original poster

whyyyyy · 02/11/2016 13:04

So IT IS reasonable to leave a baby to cry for that length of time?!

OP posts:

GipsyDanger · 02/11/2016 13:04

I personally wouldn't, their baby their choice.

GipsyDanger · 02/11/2016 13:05

And you know, the baby could have colic

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 02/11/2016 13:05

I don't think YABU to ask them to minimize disruption. Probably better to pop round rather than send a note though.

Yes babies cry but it sounds although they are being really inconsiderate towards you.

PeppermintPatty10 · 02/11/2016 13:06

Nooooo this poor baby!! Being left to cry! That is horrible, for you as well listening... I completely understand about being woken up - I am a total wreck without sleep.
I'm worried about the baby; if you haven't spoken to them before, maybe you can go round and introduce yourself? I am sure they won't delay in telling you about how their baby wakes in the night, and you could offer advice??

PeppermintPatty10 · 02/11/2016 13:07

Sorry I just re-read and saw about your miscarriage. I'm so sorry. It must be torture for you

StatisticallyChallenged · 02/11/2016 13:07

No its not reasonable if you have neighbours to not attempt to quieten your baby. Sometimes it's not possible but leaving them to cry for 45 minutes in the middle of the night isn't fair or decent

MatildaTheCat · 02/11/2016 13:08

If they are prepared to ignore their own baby when he cries for that long I can't see them being especially concerned for your well being. They sound really thoughtless so I would drop the note in but not expect any reply.

Sounds grim.

Original poster

whyyyyy · 02/11/2016 13:08

I don't want you to think I'm laying there thinking 'i wish this baby would shut the f up', I'm distressed by the amount he is left to cry. Ordinarily if I were that close to a baby in terms of location I would be in a position to soothe them having cared for babies as a job for many years. Nobody is going in to that room to soothe him. I clearly need whatever earplugs the parents are wearing.

OP posts:

TyrannosauraRegina · 02/11/2016 13:09

Are they at the end of a terrace, or do all the other bedrooms also adjoin to someone else's house? If so, someone will always be disturbed by the baby.

I think it would be better to talk to them face-to-face. Ask if it's just sleep training or a temporary illness, so they might expect the crying to stop soon, if it hasn't always been like this. Or propose a compromise - they move baby to another room if it cries for longer than, say, 15 minutes.

NerrSnerr · 02/11/2016 13:09

I think it's better to speak to them face to face. I would tell them that you know it must be difficult for them but you're really struggling to sleep and see what they say. I think it's tough to know what's going on though, my 2 year old sometimes is inconsolable even when being cuddled at night.

Mybugslife · 02/11/2016 13:10

How do you know the baby is actually being left to cry? Is it possible that the baby is being held by one of the parents in that room? But still crying.

Sorry but you're definitely being unreasonable.
If I got a note from a neighbour about my crying baby and an offer to sleep train I'd be telling you where to go.

I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage but is it possible that it's become worse for you recently because it's a reminder of what you lost? I know after we lost our babies I was so intolerant of other children

centreyourself · 02/11/2016 13:10

That would really upset me whyy. I just would hate the sound of a baby asking for help & being ignored.
You sound at the end of your tether & I don't envy you. But I'm not sure you'll get the response you'd like from the parents.
It sounds as though they've put him as far away as possible in order that they can't hear him. sad.

PeppermintPatty10 · 02/11/2016 13:11

You're kind to be concerned for the baby as well. Maybe suggest they read 'What every parent needs to know' which is an amazing book telling you what actually goes on when a baby is left to cry. It's frightening.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 02/11/2016 13:12

yanbu to think they should be more considerate. Yabu to say you know the baby is being left. She/he may have colic or other issues and you may be able to hear them shushing, cuddling etc.
I would pop round for a chat and say you have heard what an awful time they are having and offer help hopefully they'll take the hint

MadHattersWineParty · 02/11/2016 13:13

'move to a house if you don't like it'

What a stupid response.

acquiescence · 02/11/2016 13:14

Sometimes my baby (11 months) screams for over an hour at night when I am holding him, he is never left to cry. We have four bedrooms but can't move him into another room as we need I sleep in separate rooms and the beds we have wouldn't fit in other room. I can really see your point, and maybe posting the note won't be an issue as long as it is not at all passive aggressive. You could maybe knock and talk to them at the weekend?

Sorry about the miscarriage, that must make the whole scenario hard 💐

Sulis87 · 02/11/2016 13:14

Play some music in the room sometime so they realise how thin the wall is? Not in a confrontational way - just in case it hadn't occurred to them.

Sorry for your loss.

DonaldDucksTrousers · 02/11/2016 13:15

I think it's totally reasonable to ask them. I also would be worried to go and ask because I worry about peoples responses, but if someone came and said what you proposed to me I would do anything I could do be helpful, would hate think I was keeping someone awake, it's horrible when you are sleep deprived.

Eevee77 · 02/11/2016 13:15

You don't know that no one is in there though do you? I don't think your note will achieve anything tbh although I can understand how unpleasant it must be for you. Yes, get earplugs.

MadHattersWineParty · 02/11/2016 13:17

Sorry, it was 'buy' a house. Even better. Are you thick? Do you really think it's that easy to just eschew flat-living and buy up the nearest house so you're more comfortable?

Must inform DP when he gets home from work. Hey, DP! I'm bored of renting this one bedroom flat. Let's just buy a three bedroom house! He'll be totally thrilled I've found a solution

OP, you should possibly try and chat to the neighbours rather than do the note thing, but please don't say you've 'mastered sleep training' of newborns previously. I'd find that patronising to be honest.

Idratherbeaunicorn · 02/11/2016 13:18

YANBU
As per PPs - it can't be nice listening to the baby - and I feel for the child being left to cry
I would however, be careful how you approach the neighbors, you don't want to "start something" (some people don't like being offered parenting advice, no matter how well intentioned!)
Im also so sorry about your miscarriage OP, that cannot help matters

Stormwhale · 02/11/2016 13:20

How horrible for you op. Could you post the exact wording of the note? We could make sure you aren't unintentionally coming across all wrong.

Original poster

whyyyyy · 02/11/2016 13:22

All of their other rooms do not adjoin any other neighbours, just this one. It's a regency block of flats and we are both on the second floor, I know the floor plan because I enquired about it when vacant earlier this year to see if i wanted to move in. We are both renters. I don't feel particularly sensitive about their crying because of my recent circumstances, it's natural for me to wonder if a baby is ok because of how many years I spent looking after other people's. If I heard a woman or man constantly crying I would be equally as concerned.
I'm going from the angle of they may well think that their baby isn't bothering their neighbour. I feel like for me to just ask 'is everything ok with your baby?' it implies a lot more than me just coming out and saying' i'm so sorry but i keep having to move to my sofa in the early hours, any chance we can work out a solution here?' His cries are cries mixed with 'mama, dada' so attention crying, building up to screaming and coughing, not low sad sick cries. I can hear easily and feel I would know if he was being rocked, soothed etc from his cot, there often is no break in his crying. I would easily hear a 'shh shh shh, it's ok' from someone too, sadly I don't.

OP posts:

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