Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be a Bridesmaid - oh and told to lose more weight????

58 replies

Tunnel · 02/11/2016 06:08

So good friend is getting married again and asked me to be a Bridesmaid. I was delighted at first until she said she was ordering my dress in a size 12 as that was what all the other Bridesmaid were and it would be a nice motivation to lose weight.... Now there is some context to this which I'm really trying to hold on to to give her the benefit of the doubt. I've lost almost 4 stone in the last 6 months. I've not made a big song and dance about it, or really talked much about it but I suppose it is very noticeable. I am now a decent size 14 - if I was buying a bridesmaid dress my guess would be I'd need a 16 (apparently you always aim to buy a bit bigger based on the material??). I'm really trying to see this as a very poor attempt to be supportive of this journey and assumes that I want to lose more weight. She has a habit of getting quite wrapped up in things and being a bit blinkered but isn't normally an unkind person. Truth is, I'm 5ft9 and really quite happy with how I am now. Or I was that is - suddenly and instantly I feel like the 'fat friend' again - that I'm not quite good enough yet... We were in a group when she said it and a few or the others raised there eyebrows but the conversation moved on and I just ignored it at the time. AIBU to go back to speak to her about this - actually I don't think I am - the better question is how to I approach it without feeling more upset/ humiliated?

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 02/11/2016 06:54

Well done Tunnel, sorry for lots of questions ...how long did it take?

Well done on the running especially, it's good for body and mind!

topcat2014 · 02/11/2016 06:54

Shocking behaviour. Were you a bridesmaid the first time round? Does she have form for this type of thing.

Just tell her - order me the correct size or I am not doing it.

I don't understand how people get to adulthood and remain so rude.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2016 07:07

Did she actually say she was ordering it as a motivation to lose weight? Because that's not ok, that's your call. Just text her or call her and tell her to order the right size. Do it quickly as she may have already ordered.

CarShare · 02/11/2016 07:42

Well done! Amazing effort! Tell her if she orders a 12 it'll be wasted money as you're not intending to lose more weight and you'll happily sit being a bridesmaid out to wear something that allows room for lunch. This might only be the start of some bad behaviour. Keep your eye on things and don't tolerate too much messing about.

ScarletOverkill · 02/11/2016 07:48

On reading your op my first thought was she got a discount by buying them all in the same size! Shock

Mungobungo · 02/11/2016 07:53

It may Ben useful to point out that all though most of her friends are size 12, they probably will all need different sizes as their body shapes aren't likely to be different and will need altering in different places. Also, bridal ranges come up on the smaller side so it's likely that you'll all be in really random sizes. She's being a bridezilla.
I feel you think it'd help, then it's worth pointing out that she's been rather hurtful.

Congratulations on the weight loss, that's a fantastic achievement!

DiegeticMuch · 02/11/2016 07:59

You probably look slender now, given your height. She may genuinely think that you're very close to a 12 now. Tall people often look thinner, I find.

I'd just text her about it - point out that you're a larger 14 so will probably need a bridesmaid dress in a 16, but that you're happy to attend a fitting.

ohtheholidays · 02/11/2016 08:09

She's been very rude,if she's not normally like it then I'd think she's caught Bride Zilla itus but if she's often like this then I wouldn't be her bridesmaid!

Well done on your weight loss that is amazing and a size 14 at 5ft 9 I bet you look great Smile don't let her make you doubt yourself!

Whocansay · 02/11/2016 08:30

I would probably go back with something along the lines of " Dear X, there seems to be some confusion. I am happy with my current weight and do not intend on loosing any more. Please get me a size 16 dress. Cheers, Tunnel"

If she is a friend this will be enough.

shovetheholly · 02/11/2016 08:30

4 stone off! Wow, you are superwoman! That is some going, congratulations!

I think your friend has been very thoughtless and rude. I'm wondering if the motivation is entirely practical on her part - she sees you losing weight, assumes you are continuing to do so, and doesn't want to buy a dress that will be too big in a few months. I'm not remotely excusing her behaviour saying this - I think she's been really rude. But I've seen people become very wrapped up in the economics of weddings and the organisation and almost forget that they are dealing with real people!

I would sit her down and explain that you're not sure whether you want to lose any more, and you're fearful that the size she has ordered isn't therefore going to be suitable. Tell her that you're happy with your success and with how you look now, and that her comments have unwittingly made you feel a bit inadequate. And ask her what she thinks ought to be done. Hopefully she'll apologise profusely and sort it out.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/11/2016 08:36

If I were your friend, I'd be massively proud of you for achieving such an amazing weight loss.

Does your friend not have any filters OP?

alltouchedout · 02/11/2016 08:38

I think I'd say "no thank you, I can't guarantee I will be the right size for you at the right time so let's not bother eh?" I'd be really pissed off.

dollybird · 02/11/2016 08:39

How rude! When I was bridesmaid for my DB I was measured for the dress shortly after I'd had DD. I was wearing size 12 clothes, but my measurements came up as a 16 (I was gutted I will admit). Needless to say by the time the wedding came around the dress had to be taken in. Far better to order the right size and then it can be taken in if necessary, especially if you are happy and healthy as you are. Well done on your weight loss.

deliciousdevilwoman · 02/11/2016 08:40

Well done on your amazing weight loss! (How'd you do it, if you don't mind me asking?)

Your friend has been insensitive, superficial and rude. You're "good enough" as you are.....in fact, it shouldn't matter a jot if you'd never even lost a single llb let alone 4 stones.

Tell her to order you a 14/16. If she starts, then you tell her in no uncertain terms that she has zero right to coerce you into further weight loss you don't want or need.

Cheeky mare!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/11/2016 08:48

I wouldn't say sorry. You've done nothing wrong.

Thefitfatty · 02/11/2016 08:49

Wow. I think if a friend said that to me they'd be an "ex-friend." I echo what others have said, tell her you need a size 16 and if she doesn't like it, tell her you don't want to be a bridesmaid.

BigPointyStick · 02/11/2016 08:55

I'd have said something if she'd said that to one of the other bridesmaids, never mind a raised eyebrow. Precious little madam can FRO.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/11/2016 08:59

Well done on your weightloss!

If a 'friend' said that to me I would tell them where to shove their bridemaid's dress and they would be an ex friend.

SheldonsSpot · 02/11/2016 09:03

She can get really caught up in things and just sort of bulldozers through conversations not really thinking.

Ah the classic "oh no harm meant, it's just what she's like".

Perhaps it's time people started telling her that bulldozing through conversations and "not really thinking" is plain fucking rude.

You'd be doing her a massive favour by telling her she was out of order and hurtful and you'll be needing the correct sized dress for you.

8misskitty8 · 02/11/2016 09:16

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Bride bought dress over a year in advance even though my friend was a few months pregnant at the time. (Bride knew this and the size she bought was tight on my friend. Despite my friend wanting a bigger size, bride ignored her)
Baby was born about 6mths before wedding and my friend was a bit heavier than before pregnancy. Bride was not happy and told my friend to loose weight by x date or she couldn't be bridesmaid. Friend was hardly obese, maybe a 14/16.
My friend asked to take dress home so she could keep trying it on. Bride refused and every few weeks my friend had to go to the house and try dress on and then show bride and her mum., and reminded that she'd be removed as bridesmaid if she didn't fit the dress.
My poor friend practically starved herself for a few months to make the dress fit.
I kept telling my friend to tell bride to stuff the dress but she couldn't do it.

The bride as far as I'm concerned was a bitch and put rediculous pressure on a new mum as well as humiliating her.

8misskitty8 · 02/11/2016 09:19

Tell her to order your correct size op and if she won't then decline the bridesmaid position but make sure to mention why if anyone asks.

JoffreyBaratheon · 02/11/2016 09:22

You've done brilliant losing so much weight and in a short space of time.

This is no 'friend', though. I'd turn her down.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 02/11/2016 09:32

I would either say "sorry a size 12 won't work for me. I intend staying around the size I am now." Then see what she says. If she huffs and puffs in any way decline the invitation.

specialsubject · 02/11/2016 09:34

Congratulations on the eat less move more success, and two fingers up to all the peddlers of diets!

And to bridezilla too.

JosephineMaynard · 02/11/2016 09:38

Congratulations on the weight loss.

Your friend sounds very insensitive. Agree with the suggestions to talk to her and ask her to order a dress in the size that will fit you. Her response to that will tell you a lot about whether or not it really was a misguided attempt to be supportive and encourage you.

And as a pp says, dresses can be taken in if you lose more weight before the wedding. It's not so easy to make them bigger if you don't lose the weight (even assuming that you wanted to).

Swipe left for the next trending thread