AIBU: 'Bring your own' party

[user1473598635]

Am I being unreasonable? Just been invited to a party at a friend's house but told what to bring for food to feed the guests and to bring beer....... would have taken booze along anyway and a gift.

[Bluntness100]

I think this depends on how close you are, some friends I have over and i wouldn't dream of it, but my close friends, I do , because basically I usually host due to space, and they were getting bothered by the fact it also meant I was always covering the expense, so now they usually bring food, I also provide food and we just cook it together. They also bring booze.

Often people are happier to feel they are contributing and not taking advantage. For me, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone told me what to bring, I'd be happy to do so.

[TupsNSups]

We often do this, its very sociable imo. Great to see all the different dishes and try different foods.

[twattymctwatterson]

OP you have been told up front what kind of party you are going to. You are not obliged to go however you may find you enjoy it. Looking down your nose because it's not something you'd do is s bit snooty imo

[AcrossthePond55]

Dixie has it. It's very poor form to have a potluck to celebrate one's own self. Same for a potluck wedding reception, although I've known family members to organize potluck for another family member's wedding reception. It's also poor form to always bring the 'cheap stuff' (rolls, bottles of soda or cheap wine, bag of chips) yet there's always someone.... That's why so many people now 'assign' main dish, dessert, etc to the participants. We also have people we 'potluck' with who have a 'special' item we all love (usually a cake or special dessert) and they're usually asked to bring that specific thing.

[Andylion]

As a pp has said, there was a thread about something similar a while ago. I recall more posters then who were against being asked to bring something.

Many here have posted that it's normal in their friendship group. In my circle of friends, it hasn't been the case since we were students. Now that we are in our late 40s-50s, we would of course, bring a bottle of wine, maybe offer to bring a special dessert.

I would guess that in the OP's experience, potluck's are not the done thing. I think it makes a huge difference if it is an actual potluck she's been invited to or if if she is the only one bringing something.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Normal in my world.

Though there are those on MN who insist you shouldn't have a social life if you can't afford to pay for everyone to eat and drink as much as they want.

[PlumsGalore]

Generally speaking no food but always whatever you are drinking. I am however taking a curry to friend's house for Bonfire night, but I offered and she is making already making a valiant attempt at a party without a kitchen due to a refurb. She has electricity but no cooker so its my Instant Pot and their rather plush and very large BBQ and a cold spread.

[Ohyesiam]

I would say most parties I go to are like this. You get a great mix of good.
I actually went to a bring food to share wedding, I made bread with the couples initials on it. they didn't want presents so I enjoyed putting a bit of care into it, as I was really pleased to help them celebrate their wedding.

[JasperDamerel]

I think a bring food to share wedding sounds lovely. I want to go to one. I don't think that I have any friends who are likely to get married any time soon, though.

[SenecaFalls]

It's very poor form to have a potluck to celebrate one's own self.

True. I'm in the Southern US and pot lucks are very common, especially for things like watching sporting events on TV. There are lots of them going on tonight for the final game of the World Series.

[SenecaFalls]

We have pot lucks in my workplace, too, for wedding/baby showers, birthdays, etc.

[gribak]

Its the norm in South Africa too - you wouldn't dream of going without food and drink! But I have lived here 20+ years, and we only do this here amongst our closest friends for BBQs, new years eve etc as otherwise entertaining gets costly for some in our group who are finding it hard to make ends meet every month. I wouldn't do this amongst people I didn't know very well, as i know for some it would feel like a cheek.

[expatinscotland]

I've been to a potluck wedding reception. It was a second wedding for both and they were keen hillwalkers. They got married on a mountain and the reception was a BBQ and camp in a public park. It was one of the best weddings I have been to! The couple laid on meats/veggie kebabs/the like for the BBQ and brought a load of their gorgeous homebrewed ales/beers/lagers plus wine. People brought tons of delicious food (the groom's father organised who was bringing what), plus more alcohol. It was a wonderful evening and then we camped out.

[missmollyhadadolly]

Are you expected to feed everyone?

I hope the host is making a contribution and no one is being asked to do more than their fair share.

[corythatwas]

You get them in Scandinavia too: knytkalas. Very traditional form of entertaining, certainly at least 19th century. Not the only option going, but certainly acceptable as long as announced in advance.

[SenecaFalls]

I went to a potluck wedding reception once too, and it was really nice. It was a young couple with no money and whose families couldn't help out financially. Some friends got together and organized the potluck. With the B&G's full agreement, they requested food and drinks for the reception in lieu of gifts and it was held in the US equivalent of a village hall. One of the best (and most non-bridezilla-ist) weddings I've ever attended.

[BackforGood]

I agree with the vast majority - perfectly normal, and makes it much easier to host a party, therefore meaning you are likely to have more parties to go to. (UK, Midlands)

[Agrippina90]

I have a friend that does this - trouble is she and her DP are known for being mean and the perception (and I'm afraid reality) is that they're doing it because they're tight. They provide almost nothing and ask other people to bring not only all the food but also things like bottles of whisky! She even posted on Facebook once about how much she was enjoying eating everyone's leftovers for a week because they kept all the uneaten food. Nobody else in our group has potluck parties so there's no reciprocity. They boast about hosting parties almost for free whilst other people have to spend a fortune and don't notice how appalled we all are. If it's reciprocated in a group then I think it's a lovely idea though.

[user1477282676]

Agrippina why don't you also host a party like that? And even more pertinent, why are you friends with this person?

[moomoo1965]

I think it depends on the party. If it's more of a formal dinner party I wouldn't expect anyone to bring anything other than a bottle and maybe crocs, flowers if I'm lucky! I would provide all of the food. However if it was more casual, maybe a BBQ, impromptu gathering, with loads of kids etc I would be happy to provide a main plate - i.e. Curry, chilli, hot dogs, pizza etc if others bring dips, salads, crisps etc. This is a lovely way to get everyone together for a bit of fun without one person footing all the bill - bearing in mind the host does end up with all the washing up and s house they looks like Armageddon!

[moomoo1965]

Meant chocs not crocs - that would be really wierd!

[twattymctwatterson]

You are very quiet OP. Not the response you were expecting?

[stillwantrachelshair]

Due to the location & size of our house, I always end up hosting the get togetherness for a gang of friends. The first couple of times, I didn't mind, times three, four & five, I began to realise that they had a fab time as all they had to do was being a bottle of wine & catch up with friends whilst I was always running around being hostess and then tidying up afterwards. And then they had more & more children (well, one has 4 and two have 3) so, between the 7 of us, there are 18 children (and 5 DH/DPs). It got to be really expensive & hard work. I'm still happy to hold the get-together here but ask people to bring more & no longer race around offering top ups of wine or a cup of tea as they know where everything is. It's been quite interesting learning who really mucks in (one particular friend is very good at noticing a shortage of mugs or spoons, gathering up dirties & doing some dishes) whilst others are oblivious and don't bother to control their children either.

[StrawberryLime]

I've been to parties where you've had to bring your own booze, but never your own food.
If I was hosting a party, I'd expect to put the food on. Likewise if I went to one, it'd seem strange having to provide the food!
If you're inviting everyone to yours for a party, surely the done thing is to at least provide for everyone?