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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to not sleep train DD

69 replies

LittleSausageFingers · 01/11/2016 19:50

I have no idea what to do, nothing has had me questioning myself more than this parenting melark.

DD is almost 9 months, was EBF to 6 months when we introduced solids. Very stubborn spoon refuser, so we are doing BLW. She finally started eating at approx 8 months, although not massive amounts, but we're getting there.

I feed her to sleep for pretty much every sleep. It's the only way I can get her to sleep (except for the car). Won't sleep in buggy. She's on two naps a day, but will occasionally skip one (despite my best efforts), which makes her insanely grumpy by bedtime.

She wakes usually 4 times a night, and I feed her back to sleep. We've tried my DH going in to settle her, but it always ends with an hour of screaming, and I then have to feed her to calm her down anyway. So for me it's so much easier to feed her for 10 minutes, put her back down, and go back to sleep. Despite 9 months of broken sleep I'm doing ok, I'm a long-time insomnia sufferer and I don't seem to need as much sleep as other people (I'm wondering if she takes after me in that respect...)

I've had two HVs give me a ticking off for feeding her to sleep, told me to let her cry it out, basically made me feel terrible and responsible for her not eating (this was when she wasn't eating at all, she is eating now. They said she wouldn't eat when she's full of milk).

I go back to work three days a week when she's one, and she'll be at nursery two days and with my parents, including an overnight, for one day. I'm worried about how she will nap at nursery/with my parents, and I have no idea how my parents will cope with her night wakings. Will it be horrendously traumatic for her if I'm not there to feed her? Logistically they can't have her without having an overnight. I could cancel this arrangement and put her into nursery for a extra day, but they would be disappointed and the extra expense would be difficult.

I don't want to sleep train. AIBU to carry on as I am and hope it'll work out?

We've tried formula before bed, made no difference. Not interested in dummy, despite my best efforts. We've tried the baby whisperer method, it just made her angry. Even when she's eaten a big dinner she's up after 3 hours.

Am I doing this all wrong feeding her to sleep?

Sorry it's so long. Maybe I should read this post to DD, I'm sure it'll put her straight to sleep...

OP posts:

StiginaGrump · 01/11/2016 22:10

I work shifts and dh has no boobs, fed all mine to sleep until 3+ they did different things for dh or nursery- they just need to find their own way. They didn't need feeding to sleep with other people actually I didn't always feed after 2 or so but it suited us. We have never had any tears and they all sleep well these days - they out grow it you just don't know when.

nonline · 01/11/2016 22:11

I still feed my 14mo to sleep. I'd like a night out, but she's getting better at sleeping (starts in cot, then in with me), waking and feeding less. I know I could probably not feed her in night but like the easy solution...

I'm back at work FT (so no BF until I get home) and she has DP, GPs and nursery during the week - eating and sleeping to various degrees better than with me, although not a great drinker.

I'm confident she'll get there soon without any regimented training.

Iwillorderthefood · 01/11/2016 22:51

My 3rd DD was always fed to sleep, till one night she just would not go to sleep. So as I have two others to put to bed, I put her down awake. She did not complain, I said good night, and she slept by herself. She is 2.5 now and although she still bf at night, some nights, she doesn't. I think she's going to do it on her own. DD1 slept through at 3 months, DD 2 fed all night every night (2hours on alternate sides, til 9.5 months), I switched to a bottle and it was terrible until 2.5. We tried cc, to no avail and finally figured out she had bad glue ear, she was treated at under 2, and solidly slept through from 2.5.

They get there, CC only works, i think, if the child is on their way to being able to fall asleep on their own, and stay asleep in any case.

MarcelineTheVampire · 01/11/2016 23:18

Cathf babies might not require the food after 6 months, although I would dispute this as pretty much all of the studies are based on formula fed babies rather than breastfed- but they do need comfort from their mother. That's not a habit, that's a need and I'll respond to my baby's need for as long as she wishes.

user1471468700 · 01/11/2016 23:26

If you feel like you need to get DD sleeping better, for the sake of your parents, maybe try baby steps? What I mean is, start by addressing trying to get her falling asleep by herself. No boob, no dummies, no 'props'. Then tackle the night feeds separately. Make it less daunting for yourself by tackling one issue before moving onto the next. That's how I approached it with my DD. You have 3 months with is plenty of time in terms of baby development.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself

user1471468700 · 01/11/2016 23:33

OP would it help if your DH put her to bed for a few nights? To try to break the boob habit and get her used to settling herself to sleep?

blinkineckmum · 01/11/2016 23:36

Oh she's so little. Stop worrying!

LucyBabs · 01/11/2016 23:41

All well and good to tell op to stop worrying but what exactly are her parents going to do with a baby who needs to be fed to sleep with a breast?!

MarcelineTheVampire · 01/11/2016 23:50

My DP puts our DD to bed and she is fed to sleep usually by me. If I'm not there he can settle her.

Babies are like blood hounds, they can smell your milk a mile off!!!

MistresssIggi · 01/11/2016 23:53

It sounds perfectly normal to me.

blinkineckmum · 01/11/2016 23:53

There are another 3 months to go. I had similar advice from HV with both my babies. At 9mo they woke a lot. By 12mo they were sleeping through. A lot can change.

PurplePidjin · 02/11/2016 14:07

Yes, babies do need milk and help back to sleep at 9 months and above www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/11530895/

And there's an enormous difference in development between a 9mo and an 11mo so the above poster who advised you to "wait a couple of months" has actually said something useful amongst the other stuff; this is much less likely to be an issue in a few weeks time.

Thirdly, grandparents aren't daft and know exactly what they're taking on. They're still willing to do it. My mum is older with her own health problems, she still managed to have ds1 for the night occasionally from a year - he fed to sleep until he self weaned at 15 months although I night weaned him at 12*. She cuddled him on the sofa watching Night Garden with a bottle of cows milk iirc!

*there is no fucking way night weaning would have produced anything more than hysterics in either of mine at 9m. At a year they've accepted it

NickyEds · 02/11/2016 14:32

I would wait a couple of months then night wean and sleep train. I fed both of mine to sleep up until about a year, at which point dd just stopped herself and self settled (with a dummy and teddy)and ds stopped when we sleep trained. Even if your parents are well aware of the sleep issue it will be very hard for them and unfair on your baby to have them up 4 times a night.

sianihedgehog · 02/11/2016 14:43

I feed my 14 month old to sleep. We are both happy with that. He is perfectly capable of falling asleep without it, and does for his childminder, or my partner. But with me he likes to feed and it's easier to feed than to rock him or pat his bum or whatever. He's woken less and less frequently as he's gotten older and this has happened at the same sort of rate as friends who do not feed to sleep, and as those who do not breastfeed at all. Sleep is developmental, like walking and talking. They get there when they are ready, and no amount of trying to make them will get them there before then anyway.

NickyEds · 02/11/2016 14:55

No amount of trying would get them there before then anyway

I disagree with this. You will read lots of testimonies on here and irl about how sleep training has worked for people. My ds woke every 90minutes-2 hours from 7 months to 12 months, he didn't grow out of it or just be ready- he was sleep trained!

Sohardtochooseausername · 02/11/2016 14:56

I fed my DD to sleep till she was about 2. She napped at nursery no problems, but at home she liked to be fed to sleep. Then she started going to sleep on her own at home. She just sort of grew out of it. She's 4 now and I'd forgotten all about it until I saw this thread. I vaguely miss the cuddles but now we have a great time reading stories together. Do what works for you and forget what the HV says!

Original poster

LittleSausageFingers · 02/11/2016 19:28

Thanks for the link PurplePidjin will give that a read

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 02/11/2016 19:43

Always fed to sleep, way more relaxing for all

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/11/2016 19:46

i ff but ds is nearly one and feeds to sleep at night, has a dreamfeed, and has recently started waking for an extra feed at 4am i'm happy to just go with it, cc doesn't feel right for me personally plus i'm pretty sure i won't still be feeding him to sleep aged 10

as for the solid food - i think people (HVs!) get far too worked up about solid food. it doesn't have magical properties or anything and again, most adults have managed the transition from milk to food

i'd say go with your gut on this.

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