... to not sleep train DD

[LittleSausageFingers]

I have no idea what to do, nothing has had me questioning myself more than this parenting melark.

DD is almost 9 months, was EBF to 6 months when we introduced solids. Very stubborn spoon refuser, so we are doing BLW. She finally started eating at approx 8 months, although not massive amounts, but we're getting there.

I feed her to sleep for pretty much every sleep. It's the only way I can get her to sleep (except for the car). Won't sleep in buggy. She's on two naps a day, but will occasionally skip one (despite my best efforts), which makes her insanely grumpy by bedtime.

She wakes usually 4 times a night, and I feed her back to sleep. We've tried my DH going in to settle her, but it always ends with an hour of screaming, and I then have to feed her to calm her down anyway. So for me it's so much easier to feed her for 10 minutes, put her back down, and go back to sleep. Despite 9 months of broken sleep I'm doing ok, I'm a long-time insomnia sufferer and I don't seem to need as much sleep as other people (I'm wondering if she takes after me in that respect...)

I've had two HVs give me a ticking off for feeding her to sleep, told me to let her cry it out, basically made me feel terrible and responsible for her not eating (this was when she wasn't eating at all, she is eating now. They said she wouldn't eat when she's full of milk).

I go back to work three days a week when she's one, and she'll be at nursery two days and with my parents, including an overnight, for one day. I'm worried about how she will nap at nursery/with my parents, and I have no idea how my parents will cope with her night wakings. Will it be horrendously traumatic for her if I'm not there to feed her? Logistically they can't have her without having an overnight. I could cancel this arrangement and put her into nursery for a extra day, but they would be disappointed and the extra expense would be difficult.

I don't want to sleep train. AIBU to carry on as I am and hope it'll work out?

We've tried formula before bed, made no difference. Not interested in dummy, despite my best efforts. We've tried the baby whisperer method, it just made her angry. Even when she's eaten a big dinner she's up after 3 hours.

Am I doing this all wrong feeding her to sleep?

Sorry it's so long. Maybe I should read this post to DD, I'm sure it'll put her straight to sleep...

I'm still feeding my 17 mo to sleep and went back to work when he was 10mo. He's looked after by 3 different family members on different days. As pp said, he will develop his own routines with others. My df can hold him in his arms and he'll go to sleep (won't do that for anyone else!). My dsis drives him around. At my mil's he climbs onto her lap and just goes to sleep! They are very adaptable

Hope, with both of mine they've walked, they've slept. Luckily I seem to breed early walkers! Ds1 was 15 months (now rising 4) and ds2 is 14m and just about got the hang of it just need to convince him that 5:30 isn't morning now

Do what works. There's a difference between the "crying" they do when they're learning to settle - more of a moany shout - and the utter hysterics of a baby who needs a cuddle and some milk

This will end!
I've also been you twice and fed to sleep til around 14 months. The. Did some gentle lay them back down with you in the room etc. They are now 4&2 and sleep amazingly.
It will get better. No, you don't have to do CC

I'm having the same with my 10 month old, wakes a few times per night and fed back to sleep. Had lots of 'helpful' suggestions to give water at night instead.... didn't work! I also spend 15mins patting his tummy to get him to sleep at naps and bedtime, could definitely live without that especially as he used to fall asleep by himself at naps time, but hit 9 Months and that stoped. Am hoping that the ~3 wake up per night will reduce to 1 or none before I go back to work, will see how that goes!

Does she take a sippy cup? Try that with water at night instead of feeding, she will lose interest in that after a while

Follow your instincts, there's no rule that says you have to sleep train, and your HV shouldn't be pushing you into it

My nearly 11 month old is still fed to sleep. She eats LOADS and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference to her sleep so don't feel guilty that your baby isn't eating much.

I was told by a HV that I was impairing her development by encouraging her to wake in the night - this encouragement was the fact that I fed her to sleep and pretty much demanded that I did CC with her.

Errrr no, do what works for you- your baby won't not sleep forever and is still so young - whilst it's working for you, carry on as you are. As soon as it's not, then look at it.

Do what feels right for your baby, you and your family.

Personally I think CC is awful because when my DS cried, my god did he cry. We didn't do CC but had odd attempt at more independent settling (rather than feeding to sleep).
I've heard other people's babies 'cry' and it was a moan/whimper in comparison.
My DS was a very high needs baby, boobed loads, woke up up lots etc. He got there and slept through by 2 when I saw he was ready to
night wean.
He went to nursery at 9months and slept fine in his buggy.
They're all different and all need different things.
You've still a lot of teething and illnesses ahead too and that can set back any 'trained' sleeping and you have to do it all over.
If things are working for you ignore HV.

You sound like you are happy with how things are so stay happy. Sleep training is totally not good if you're not ready. Babies are despite what people say very adaptable ...I fed to sleep for first 6 months , coslept for ten months but my babies all slept through by 1 (I did do sleep training At that point but only when I was ready and felt they were ready) don't feel pressured to do it now

Well, I am afraid that I am going to be one of the judgey pants who thinks you need to get a grip of this.
Do you not crave a full nights sleep? At the age your baby is now, there to s no physical need for her to need milk, therefore it s just a habit.
I think the pp who tell you of how their babies sleep for others without being fed to sleep speak volumes.

If it's working really well for you then definitely don't change anything.
I have always successfully avoided HV appointments for this very reason. (Two children and I've only ever seen a HV twice)

If, on the other hand, the current set up is working ok, but you'd like a bit more uninterrupted sleep, there WILL be things you can do to reduce the 4 nightly waking.

But you shouldn't feel you have to change anything.

Oh I could be you 3 months ago! Had exactly the same situation, was knackered but just could not bring myself to sleep train. Really didn't mind feeding to sleep, it seemed like the easiest and simplest option, it just felt right. Anyway she's nearly one and has just started sleeping through some nights. It'll happen and if you think you're coping ok then carry on, if at any point it gets too much then of course consider other options.

We tried sleep training at 7 months and she wasn't ready. Was still waking up for feeds in the night. Tried it again at 10 months and it took one night of going in every 3 minutes for....TWELVE MINUTES.

I shit you not.

It is hard to sleep train. I'm glad we did it. When/If you are ready, my advice is to be consistent. Seems like you've tried everything already so her mind is probably blown. Pick one method and stick with it.

Also tell your HV to stick it up their

Cathf, I have to take issue with your last point. The reason our babies slept differently for others than from us is that breastfed babies behave differently around their mothers compared to caregivers who can't breastfeed them. It's not because of wishy washy parenting on the part of the mother and replies like yours are part of the reason so few mothers have the confidence to keep breastfeeding older babies.

I will most definitely be giving my HV a wide berth from now on

MiMiMaguire she does take a sippy cup, but when she wakes up in the night i can't see how we'd get her to have it. If she's not boobed pretty quickly it escalates to full on hysterical screams, there's no way she'd be calm enough for us to offer.

cath Other people have said the same to me about her not physically needing the milk at this age, but I don't understand how one would know that? As i said, she doesn't eat much (although getting better now) and she's a big girl.

OP this is my life!! Honestly almost word for a description of life with my DD who's also 9 months old.

I just follow her lead and take it from her!

Sorry OP but I'm going to go against the bulk of responses and say you will have to address the night wakings for your parents sake. Don't stress now, give it another 2 months of doing what you want (ie feeding to sleep). I don't think the daytime naps will be so much of an issue but I do think it's not fair on your parents to give them a baby that wakes 4 times a night.

If your DD is used to getting breastfed back to sleep then I think she'll be unhappy and confused for the night a week when not only is she not breastfed, but you're not there. I think they will effectively have to sleep train her for you, and I don't think that's fair on them.

I say this as someone who regularily feeds my DD to sleep.

I always feed DS2 to sleep, it works for us and we're both happy. I would be a bit worried about the overnight but I'm sure the grandparents will manage. One disturbed night a week isn't so bad. Do they know she wakes often? Just so they're prepared?

Tricky one. I fed both of mine to sleep until they were over a year. I think the nursery naps will be ok, but the overnight with your parents will be tough on everyone until she's sleeping better, which basically in my experience will mean once you (a) stop feeding her to sleep and (b) stop feeding her at night. If I was you I think I'd be inclined to put her into nursery for an extra day initially, until her sleep pattern improves, and then bring in your parents when you think she's ready for the overnight stay.

Alternatively, you could gently work on her developing some independent settling skills now, in preparation for you going back to work. I've used a sleep consultant called Ann Caird with both of mine - she's lovely, and her methods are very gentle.

My son is nearly five and we bottle fed him to sleep every night until maybe 18months old, apart from if he fell asleep in the car. I thought that was totally fine and normal. Had a baby earlier this year and now it seems to be frowned upon.
Anyway, son sleeps fine, baby sleeps poorly but I am happy that she will grow out of it.
If anything, nursery helped my son's sleeping as he got used to just going for naps when everyone else did, rather than being nursed or rocked to sleep.

Of course you are not doing anything wrong but honestly I think teaching your LO to sleep independently would be so beneficial for you and her. The reason she wakes so much in the night is probably because every time she rouses, she needs a boob to get back to sleep as that's the only way she knows how to do it.

And "sleep training" does not necessarily mean "controlled crying" which personally I'm not a fan of. There are many different methods.

I used to have to rock my DD for about 20-30mins to get her to sleep for the first 6 months of her life. And she would nap for only 45 mins EXACTLY as that's the length of a baby's sleep cycle and therefore the point at which she'd rouse (crying and still tired) and need rocking again. I spent A LOT of time crying and feeling angry.

I finally reached the end of my rope and tried the Baby Whisperer pick up/put down method which is a "middle of the road" approach that does not involve abandoning the baby to cry alone. I stuck to the method exactly. It worked and I can honestly say it was life changing. Within 3 days, she could put herself to sleep. There were wobbles later on but I just returned to the technique and it fixed it. I honestly can't tell you how free and elated I felt the first time she fell asleep on her own.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do

My son is 15 months. I had many of the same fears as you, plus he's blw and thst spoon feed but even though he wouldn't dream of me putting in down for a nap he happily will there.

newmum, coconut, coulda the night a week with my parents is my main worry at the moment. If it wasn't for this then I'd have no problem doing what I'm doing. They do know she wakes a lot, and having had a fair amount of experience with her at night (I stay over at theirs a few times a month) they are supportive of me feeding her back to sleep... they know that nothing else really works. So they are well briefed, but I don't think they fully appreciate how horrendous it can be when it's 3am, you've got a screaming baby, and it's the third wake up of the night. I defiantly won't just dump her on them if i think that they and/or she won't cope well with it.

I don't like giving advice....but I can tell you what worked for me. No 2 couldn't go to sleep without me feeding her, so any naps, bedtime and wakes in the night had to be me feeding her. At 8 / 9 months I start with "next week will be better" "next month will be better". It wasn't getting better and I stopped really living in the here and now waiting for this mythical better future. Return to work looming on the horizon. Return to work comes. I've not had a full nights sleep in well over a year (including pregnancy sleeplessness). Can't carry on.

Tried out controlled crying. 5 nights in and she's slept through 5 times. Getting her to sleep isn't very difficult with now just one or two whinges.

This sounds daft but I feel brave for tackling, fixed it for her, my family, myself! And though I'd always followed the path of least resistance and thought I had done my best, this was actually, for us, the best thing I could have done.