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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my son to live elsewhere

80 replies

nameChangerHigh · 01/11/2016 17:41

He's a nightmare and always has been. He's 15 now, has been stealing from us consistently for years, taking alcohol and cigarettes, money, god knows what else. He goes out and comes back when he feels like it (sometimes after midnight), he says horrible things like his brother is the result of a failed abortion, im a shit parent, my autistic step son is a retard, fuck off and die etc etc. I've involved the community police regarding the stealing and it basically just went over his head. When he was younger he was assessed for special needs and they said he was fine, just needed more discipline (however my eldest son is absolutely fine), he's constantly in trouble at school, to the point where in the last week of school before summer hols they rang me saying "just keep him off until September".
I've tried getting his father to help and he's useless, just laughs at him and encouraged him so I said "you have him then" and he went quiet.

Tonight he apparently got into a fight with my eldest son and came home shouting "that's what you get for raising such a shit son" so I snapped and said "coming from you??". I maybe shouldn't have done but DS1 was sent home from college today suffering an extreme panic attack, ended up at doctors and has been referred to MIND so the last thing I want to hear is him slagging him off. He then got in my face saying "you what?" Etc. Then he walks off with the usual "you're fucked up you mate" etc etc.

I just don't want him here anymore. I've tried with him but he doesn't want to know. He's wrecking my marriage (got in DHs face saying "come on then, I'll get my dad to kick the shit out of you" to which DH walks off saying "I didn't sign up for all this shit".)

He makes the house an unhappy place for DS1 and puts me off my work, I'm on sick at the moment with stress. I've tried his dad again who isn't interested.

DS2 has now stormed out and I don't know where he is or what he's up to. I've found a knife hidden in his room in the past and all sorts.

I want to give up.

OP posts:
Halloweensnake · 01/11/2016 18:20

Having been in yr situation with my boys now,and your sons situation at the same age.. as a child myself two stepfamilies,step siblings ect....I was very unhappy and self harming.your son is showing you his unhappiness through his behaviour..I hid mine ,but I still have the scars...I was in trouble with the police..when my parents separated I didn't feel I belonged anywhere....fast forward 20 yrs .ive two teenage boysADHA and autism.horrendous violence ,around 12 13 yrs.....I stopped fighting fire with fire..and thought back to my difficult years...I backed of.i showed endless love,and kindness ,patience,it was hard,but they would of ended up in prison the way they were going..one of them ended up in a school for violent behaviour,God it was a nightmare huge fight to get himout ..6 years on and we are all ok...no one ever shouts or disrespects anyone.everyone is treated with respect and dignity .things are discussed calmly.6 yrs a go.they were heading for prison...I begged.begged social services for help.fucking useless they were....you can turn this round.its not too late...if you want to ..

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/11/2016 18:20

Tell him to shape up, or ship out OP, you poor love, I really feel for you, it must be like living in a war zone.
Let him go and live with a friend. Maybe, when he's all partied out, he might come home with his tail between his legs. Until he experiences the lows in life, he won't appreciate the highs, so to speak. At present he's the king of the castle, he's calling the shots.
OP, tough love is your friend.
Either that, or take his bags round to his Dad's, if his Dad refuses, leave bags there, and tell your Son to go and collect his stuff. Someone will put him up. Let him sofa surf for a bit, no more easy street.
Be kind to yourself OP. 💐

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshapudding · 01/11/2016 18:25

Someone will put him up. Let him sofa surf for a bit, no more easy street

OP, please just be aware that if you do this and school find out that your DS has been kicked out of the house and made homeless ("sofa surfing" is classed as homelessness) it will trigger a referral to social services.

JayDot500 · 01/11/2016 18:26

Does he even respect his dad?

It's awfully cold outside tonight. He is acting like a man when he's failing terribly at being human. He's 15, and whatever can be done to support him, he'd have to listen/agree to first because he's no longer a child. But this also means he's responsible for his own future from now on, and as far as you are concerned, there are now to be consequences for his decisions.

If he steals/picks a fight with any one of you again, please find a number to call so he is removed from your house (SS/police/children's services/his dad). Permanently, or temporarily, your choice (unless he decided to leave permanently). Tell him that that's what you'll do so he's aware, and stick to it. Tell him you hope you both can work something out (anger management/counselling/mentor/etc) to develop his own happiness and fulfillment with his own life and also, hopefully, it helps form the relationship you've always wanted with him. But enough with the soft approach. He's acting like a man who can afford the food that fuels the tongue he uses against you. Treat him like a man then. You can't blame yourself, he's not a robot.

KatieScarlett · 01/11/2016 18:33

I called Social Services for exactly the same reasons (except DD didn't have the excuse of divorced parents). They were great. After one long weekend in a home she changed her ways dramatically. She's amazing now. It had to get to that stage for her to take it seriously. She knew that there was nothing we could do. It was awful but DD would tell you that it was the best thing that ever happened to her. And it was.

yellowfrog · 01/11/2016 18:35

You know, kicking him out might actually help him. What's going on right now isn't working for anyone, so you might as well try something else. If you kick him out, it flags up to social services etc that he needs help and might thus get him the help he needs. Think of it as helping him change, rather than continuing to enable his behaviour.

ThatStewie · 01/11/2016 18:39

Phone social services. You need support because it cannot continue like this for any of you.

I do think a GP referral for an assessment of ADHD might be worthwhile. sometimes this type of behaviour is simply because they can't cope. The school should already be dealing with an educational psychologist and looking at support that way.

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 18:47

He wants attention- even if it's negative attention.
He's just lashing out

Oh FFS Hmm
No.... he's being an entitled little shit who is making people's lives a misery because he can.
OP..... foster care may be the only option even just to give your family a break. This is a terrible situation and I know how hard it is. You really need to call SS and speak to urgently.
Not sure why someone has said school should be dealing with Ed Psych.
Let the school know that you are getting in touch with SS.... Have you attended any TAC or CIN meetings with the school? There should be a locality team who can offer support (working with the school)

BantyCustards · 01/11/2016 18:49

OP - have you read about PDA and ODD?

The only thing I can suggest is continuing to be the squeaky wheel - keep going to the GP, keep calling the police and Social Services each and every time he acts up. It is the only way to get support

KatieScarlett · 01/11/2016 18:57

My DD did it because she was a smart kid who worked out early that her naice parents would tolerate anything. She knew there was nothing we could do except ground her and remove privileges. So it was an easy choice for her to do exactly as she pleased. Which was being with her extremely dangerous loser friends (think grooming gang).
Until the consequence was care, far away from her friends and family. Losing her very privileged lifestyle suddenly seemed like a very bad idea then.
We had tried Police, School, (Sat on the SS doorstep begging for help), GP, Counselling, moving schools, Wider family interventions, yada yada...

SemiNormal · 01/11/2016 18:57

No.... he's being an entitled little shit who is making people's lives a misery because he can.

With all due respect you cannot possibly know that. My brother behaved in the same way as OPs son, in fact I'd say my brother was worse and the police had to eventually remove him. It's only in recent years we've discovered the reason behind it all and what he'd been going through, it was fucking horrific. My brother was not 'an entitled little shit' he was a very damaged young man who desperately needed help and didn't know how to ask for it.

OP I've lived with a sibling like this and it made my home life as a child so miserable and depressed. It ruined my childhood. I'd say your son needs your support, needs to know he's loved but also needs to know you will not accept this to continue. Is there the possibility he could go to foster parents on a weekend so that you can all have a break from his behaviour?

SuburbanRhonda · 01/11/2016 18:59

Have you attended any TAC or CIN meetings with the school?

Team around the Child (now called Team around the Family) and Child in Need meetings are only held where the child has already been assessed by children's services as requiring support from them. From the OP it doesn't sound like things have gone this route yet so those meetings will not have taken place.

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:02

With all due respect you cannot possibly know that

I'd bet my last penny on it

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:05

I would be very suprised if the school hadn't got locality involved as there appears to be significant issues unless the school are not aware of what is going on outside. Suburban

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:10

OP..... could you request a CAF(Common Assessment Form) is done by the school as this will trigger involvement of outside agencies

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:11

sorry.... 'Framework'

Gottagetmoving · 01/11/2016 19:16

A child is not an 'entitled little shit'
The behaviour he is displaying is the sign of a disturbed and unhappy child.
I can't believe people are suggesting OP kicks him out. He is 15!
A parent is responsible for a a 15 year old. We don't know what's gone wrong here but you can't just kick a child out because their behaviour is disturbing. You have to take responsibility and if needed get help.

At 15 my daughter was a nightmare. I was a single parent and her awful, hostile and self destructive behaviour was because she was full of resentment because her dad and I had split when she was 9. She resented I had a boyfriend and wwnt through a period of hating me.
I had let the discipline slide and lost control in my own home. Had it contained she would have been calling the shots. It took months of tough love and strict discipline to turn it around. You don't abandon a child in this position. You accept and admit your mistakes and focus on your child.

Gottagetmoving · 01/11/2016 19:17

Continued....not contained...

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:25

Fine for you Gotta but this isn't anything like your situation is it.
What do you suggest the OP does when he is in her face threatening her and her other child?
And yes.... there ARE children who are entitled little shits who systematically rip apart their own for families while pursuing their own means. These kids often come from loving, supportive families who are on their knees in despair.

EweAreHere · 01/11/2016 19:28

I'd deliver him to his father's doorstep with his packed bags. Seriously. His turn.

Gottagetmoving · 01/11/2016 19:32

Seeking when a situation like this happens you have to look a what you are doing because something is not working. You have to change what you do. And yes, the situation is similar to mine. I agent given all details but I can assure you it is.
OP does need help but throwing a child out is not the answer.

Gottagetmoving · 01/11/2016 19:32

Haven't, not agent!

Seekingadvice123 · 01/11/2016 19:33

It may be a case of temp foster care Gotta to at least give the family a break.

KatieScarlett · 01/11/2016 19:36

Our family was exactly that, Seeking. We dragged in every expert in a 100 mile radius. For years. I was desperate for a reason, no matter how awful, so we could address it and save DD from herself. There wasn't one.