Buying son's girlfriend presents

[Sunnysky2016]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My ds1 (16) has been with his gf for over a year and they are the same age. She's a lovely girl and we love her to bits.
Christmas in our house is always full of presents as we like to treat each other. However I've been reading other posts on the number of gifts people buy and I know it varies hugely.
I have bought gifts for gf from me and my dp, ds2 and of course ds1.
These have included a necklace, watch, candle, smellies, pj's, cuddly toy, and other little bits. However having read some other posts, I don't know how her family celebrate? Would giving so many gifts been seen as not the done thing? I've done it, because we love her and see her as part of the family, so she has a stocking and sack as well. Also things like smellies, pj's are a kind of 'female tradition' in our family, (gp's buy for dm, dm and mil buy for me, so it was automatic I done for her).
It's not a worry as in, her parents may not be able to afford things, but in worrying that will they think I've gone overboard. I've asked ds1 and he's just said it's fine and she will love everything. I just don't want to upset her parents if this is not how they do Christmas. Also I don't want to ask her parents, because I don't want them to feel that they then have to buy ds1 X amount, because this is not about that. We've done it because we enjoy given gifts, not because we expect anything in return.

Thats nice of you.

I was the same age when I had first Christmas with OH's family and MiL did the same.

sir

That's exactly what I'm trying to do...

And navy I wasn't trying to encourage teenage pregnancy. I just reread my comment and realised it may have sounded a bit weird.

All this talk of being 'part of the family' is cringeworthy! A 16 year old's girlfriend is not 'part of the family'. It's a friend of your kid! If some random mother at the school gates starts bestowing gifts on your kid and calling them 'one of my family' you'd make an AIBU thread about how odd they were. It's reminding me of Papa Lazarou in LoG, putting them in cages and driving off going 'They're my kids now'.

"Although if they last the distance, she'll have to get used to us!"

Y'know, we have this going on in our family right now. 16 year old girl gets a boyfriend - complete waste of space, jobless, mute, won't look at or speak to anyone, slunks off upstairs alone with his phone - and her parents have gone freakin' NUTS over it. Within weeks they were talking marriage and babies and taking the boy on holiday with them as he was now 'one of the family'. Out of the window went any plans that involved their daughter getting an education and a life and an existence - suddenly all the parents could talk about was how 'grown-up' she now was and they'd sit having 'girlie' sessions watching back-to-back Say Yes to The Dress.

While the other family members sat open-mouthed like they had gone completely psycho.

We also think it's very worrisome for the girl, because she has concerns about his refusal to work or study, but she feels she cannot rock the boat because 'my parents like him so much' and 'they've paid for his flights'. She is frightened of being a disappointment to them. They sure pay her a whole lot more attention now she's, er, 'a woman who's snagged herself a man!', then they did before.

It puts way too much pressure on teens to maintain something that clearly makes their parents happy but they may now longer feel it.

Back off! She's not 'one of the family' and is going to be baffled at presents from your other children. "A gift from my boyfriend's little brother" makes about as much sense as one from "my uncle's friend's dog-walker's cousin."

I don't think the OP meant that she expects them to get married any time soon - she said very clearly "she is FOR NOW part of the family". Note the provisionality of that! To me, it just means that they have come to care for the girl a little and don't want her to feel excluded if she is present at a family time. Not that they are seeking to marry their son off and ensure that he has 10 kids by the age of 21!

Perhaps it's just semantics - 'one of the family' sounds like you've assigned a role to her/him and put a huge amount of pressure on a very young relationship. I really like my DS2's GF - she's really lovely, we get on very well and if they do end up together (they are only 18/19 so the chances are they won't) then I will be delighted - but at the moment I don't put any pressure on her to be part of the Chen family, I just make her very welcome and look after her when she's here.

"at the moment I don't put any pressure on her to be part of the Chen family, I just make her very welcome and look after her when she's here."

I imagine that's exactly what the OP is doing. Just being hospitable, really.

Lovely, actually, to hear of so many accepting parents. Wish mine had been as welcoming and caring as you lot are!

What's with the dearie me? I didn't say you had put any pressure on her Navy, I was talking generally. 'One of the family' for a teenage GF/BF sounds like a lot of pressure and expectation - as pp have said, it makes splitting up very difficult if you feel as if the parents see you as one of the family - more like a divorce than a typical teenage 'you're dumped'.

Just being hospitable, really

^ This. Which is a lot less pressure than 'you're one of us now - there's no escape for you, my dear'

You don't have to actually say the words "you're one of the family now"! E.g -although I know the OP meant well and had nothing but kind intentions, giving stockings, presents from all members of the family, sacks etc to me seems like a 'you're one of the family' gesture because that's what they do for their actual family members - whereas a small gift or 2 (esp as she's not going to be there on Christmas day) seems more like a 'being hospitable and welcoming' thing.

Fair point

But you don't need to say "one of the family" to a teen gf/bf for them to not know that's what you think. That's why I said my story above. Huge pressure from that sort of over the top nuance. I felt like I wanted to finish with this boy but was dreading it as his parents treated me like another daughter!

I have to add... we have had numerous bfs and gfs here and they are always very welcome and just muck in with us and our ways. But they're not one of the family.

It's too much, I think. Very kind, but potentially overwhelming. Scale back.

Sorry to appropriate this thread...

But what kind of present would you give the boyfriend oh your little sister (she's currently living with us)?

He won't celebrate Christmas with us, but we invited him to a small Christmas lunch...

Expensive-ish bottle of whisky? Good aftershave?

He's 16 (I think)... adults are just easier to shop for.

Are they an established couple?

If you aren't opening presents at the small Christmas lunch, why do you have to buy a present? Do we have to buy presents for everyone we see over the Christmas period.... I don't. I sometimes get together with my cousins for a drink in the pub but we don't buy presents for each other. Maybe we're the ones that are odd but I like it this way, there's no pressure on anyone.

Ahhh right... they're 16. If you're not opening presents, I wouldn't be buying anything for him to open. It's just pressure for a 16yr old to have to open something and appear all grateful.

Oh right

i-tunes tokens? Hoody from Superdry or whatever label he's into? (Can you tell I am the worst gift giver?!)