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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying son's girlfriend presents

122 replies

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 09:59

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My ds1 (16) has been with his gf for over a year and they are the same age. She's a lovely girl and we love her to bits.
Christmas in our house is always full of presents as we like to treat each other. However I've been reading other posts on the number of gifts people buy and I know it varies hugely.
I have bought gifts for gf from me and my dp, ds2 and of course ds1.
These have included a necklace, watch, candle, smellies, pj's, cuddly toy, and other little bits. However having read some other posts, I don't know how her family celebrate? Would giving so many gifts been seen as not the done thing? I've done it, because we love her and see her as part of the family, so she has a stocking and sack as well. Also things like smellies, pj's are a kind of 'female tradition' in our family, (gp's buy for dm, dm and mil buy for me, so it was automatic I done for her).
It's not a worry as in, her parents may not be able to afford things, but in worrying that will they think I've gone overboard. I've asked ds1 and he's just said it's fine and she will love everything. I just don't want to upset her parents if this is not how they do Christmas. Also I don't want to ask her parents, because I don't want them to feel that they then have to buy ds1 X amount, because this is not about that. We've done it because we enjoy given gifts, not because we expect anything in return.

OP posts:

MackerelOfFact · 01/11/2016 10:49

If she's spending Christmas with you then I think it's nice to ensure she doesn't have fewer presents to unwrap than the rest of the family. If she's spending it with her own family though, it might seem a bit odd (even awkward) if most of her gifts are from you and not them.

It sounds like you are treating her like a daughter, which is lovely! Just try not to get too over-invested, as at 16 it's unlikely they're going to be together forever and she might want to get rid of the gifts if they split.

Lemon12345 · 01/11/2016 10:50

These have included a necklace, watch, candle, smellies, pj's, cuddly toy, and other little bits.

Have included or do include? Is this a list of previous presents (not sure how they fit into one year, but I suppose birthday and last Christmas???) or this is what you have got her for this one Christmas?

If for this one Christmas I think it's very over board. My parents would never of got me that much! But then that wouldn't be the case for so many people, so it really is hard to judge.

Personally my ILs have always given better gifts than my parents. They put more time and thought into what they are giving, and whilst it's not the cost that matters they do end up spending a lot more on me than my parents do. If it bugs my parents it hasn't made them up their game, if anything gifts from them have got worse over the years and they have more money and my mum has much more free time.

Original poster

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 10:52

Thanks all for your replies the necklace, watch, and cuddly toy is off my son- he chose them as its things she like, I just paid (he's saving for a new pc so I offered to get them. The candle is from ds2, and then the pj's and smellies from me and dp. Ds1 has helped to choose all presents so I know it will be things she will like.
She will be with us Christmas Eve when we will be opening presents from my dm and dgp- hence her having a sack too.
I was looking at it as in they will presents off a few off us individually, but when I looked at them as collective from us that's when I went maybe it is too much.
I think maybe the candle, and some of the little things maybe I will put away for her birthday (hey look I'm organised for next year!!)
Thanks all for your input it's really helped me put it into perspective!!

OP posts:

quicklydecides · 01/11/2016 10:54

I think you are massively over invested in a teenage romance.
You know they will probably break up.
And when they break up do you really want "oh but sunny sky thinks she's part of the family" to be confusing them?
Back off.
I think that's seriously weird.

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 10:54

That's a lot of presents. I don't think you should worry, it sounds nice. :)

But when reading the thread somebody mentioned that her parents might feel pressured to give your DS the same amount of gifts.I honestly didn't think of that! But if her parents are in a difficult situation this might admittedly cause some issues. Or she might feel like a charity case....

I'd be a bit puzzled if somebody gave me pjs, but why not? It's a cute gift :)!
However, what are smellies?

MummyLikesWrapMusic · 01/11/2016 10:55

Sounds like an excellent compromise, Sunny. You sound very kind, but it was a tad overkill. At least you chose a lot of nice little presents - mine included a bag of pegs from MIL .

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 10:56

However, I personally (if I was her mother) would be a bit surprised that she's even invited

But it sounds very nice, you sound like a lovely family.

Manumission · 01/11/2016 10:58

That's really very generous for a son's teenage GF!

If the GF has a home and a family elsewhere, I think maybe you should reconsider the idea of having a sack/stocking for her (really something people have at their homes) in case it comes across as you trying to annexe her in some way.

Unexpectedbaby · 01/11/2016 10:58

Personally I would just go with family tradition.

My parents give DP exactly what they gift me and my brother and DPs parents do exactly the same for me. The value is quite different but DPs family is a lot bigger with a fair few grandchildren whereas for my parents there is just me and my brother.

No one takes offence and no one has actually ever questioned it.

Manumission · 01/11/2016 11:00

Spunky smellies are toiletries; bubble bath, moisturisers etc.

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/11/2016 11:01

Honestly if she's not going to be waking up at your house then I think that's way too much. One small gift is fine. Or even a larger gift. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable to be given that much, especially as she'll probably only be buying for your son. She'll probably be embarrassed that she hasn't bought every member of your family a gift.

She's not part of your family. As much as you want to be welcoming it's too much.

Purplebluebird · 01/11/2016 11:01

It sounds lovely! Don't overthink it, hopefully she will like it :)

HolgerDanske · 01/11/2016 11:03

I think it's lovely. But yes, maybe you could keep a few things back and give her a joint present from yourself, your DH and your other son.

Nothing at all wrong with being generous, though. How lovely for her that you've opened your heart and home to her in such a lovely way, and it shows a lot of respect for your son, too, that you value his girlfriend and consider his love for her a valid thing. I had a teenage romance and it was extremely important to me, I would have been devastated if someone had dismissed it as just a teenage bit of stupidity...

SilkThreads · 01/11/2016 11:04

I'd leave the extra sack and stocking - you have listed plenty!

She might feel very awkward if she has just brought along a box of posh chocs/biccies for your family.

MrsJayy · 01/11/2016 11:04

Ah update it doesn't sound to much now you have it broken down. Saying that your son should have bought his girlfriend his own present

Original poster

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 11:06

And just to say the other little 'things' are your typical stocking fillers- tube of haribo's, bathbomb, pen, keyring and purse (off son and all in style of her fav animal).
To be honest I think ds1 and ds2 (who loves ds1 gf to bits and vice versa) are just as bad as me, because we will be out and they will see something and say 'can we get this for xxxxxx for Christmas'. Lol.
But thanks for putting it in perspective it's really helped. Although if they last the distance, she'll have to get used to us

Lemon- yes this is this years gifts .

I should mention that she and her dm are kind with gifts- I had a gift from her this week as I'd been unwell and it was a 'cheer up' gift to make me smile which it did, and they bought ds2 a little gift when he gained an award at school recently just to say well done.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1477282676 · 01/11/2016 11:12

I had a boyfriend with a Mum like you and I was thrilled! My Mum was pleased I'd been so lucky....she was happy my boyfriend's family liked me.

We didn't get a lot so this was a nice time for me.

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 01/11/2016 11:12

God people can find the sinister in everything. I don't think it's a big deal really. My mum has always bought Santa sacks in for me and my brother and our partners. I'm married, and she does this for DH. She's done this for every bf that was around at Christmas to be fair (never thought she was trying to annex the bf or caused any confusion that the bf was a permanent member of the family after breakups etc). My mum is very into Christmas that's all, the presents are not necessarily always expensive but she puts thought and effort into all of them. My inlaws on the other hand, are not massively into Christmas so I get a small gift from them but then they are better with birthdays etc. DH was initially quite surprised by the presents but loves it now and accepts it is just the way we are. I wouldn't overthink it too much OP.

Original poster

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 11:13

He did offer to pay fair play to him, however as he is saving for a new pc, I said I would pay. Last christmas, birthday and Valentine's Day he's bought his own, so this is just a one off. Not relevant to the thread but the watch was on offer, end of line from a good department store- £65 down to £18, got to the checkout and it was down to £8- def my best Christmas bargain by far!

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 01/11/2016 11:17

I was teasing about him buying her presents you do sound lovely and im sure she will love her presents i was taken aback with the list thats all but broken up it doesnt sound to much.

MrsJayy · 01/11/2016 11:18

8 quid bargain

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 11:21

OP, you sound lovely.

I just reread the whole thread (and my comments as well).

My MIL tends to give me dead things. So, you're certainly a better gift-giver than that.
The presents sound very thoughtful.

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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