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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying son's girlfriend presents

122 replies

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 09:59

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My ds1 (16) has been with his gf for over a year and they are the same age. She's a lovely girl and we love her to bits.
Christmas in our house is always full of presents as we like to treat each other. However I've been reading other posts on the number of gifts people buy and I know it varies hugely.
I have bought gifts for gf from me and my dp, ds2 and of course ds1.
These have included a necklace, watch, candle, smellies, pj's, cuddly toy, and other little bits. However having read some other posts, I don't know how her family celebrate? Would giving so many gifts been seen as not the done thing? I've done it, because we love her and see her as part of the family, so she has a stocking and sack as well. Also things like smellies, pj's are a kind of 'female tradition' in our family, (gp's buy for dm, dm and mil buy for me, so it was automatic I done for her).
It's not a worry as in, her parents may not be able to afford things, but in worrying that will they think I've gone overboard. I've asked ds1 and he's just said it's fine and she will love everything. I just don't want to upset her parents if this is not how they do Christmas. Also I don't want to ask her parents, because I don't want them to feel that they then have to buy ds1 X amount, because this is not about that. We've done it because we enjoy given gifts, not because we expect anything in return.

OP posts:

perditalost · 01/11/2016 11:29

I have bought gifts for gf from me and my dp, ds2 and of course ds1

Why have you bought gifts from your son- her boyfriend?

Headofthehive55 · 01/11/2016 11:31

You sound lovely. My DDs bf family didn't even give her a card last year. Your way is kinder I think!

shovetheholly · 01/11/2016 11:32

I come from a family that doesn't do Christmas. There are no presents. None.

My DH's family go in for it big style. There are literally dozens of presents for every person, to a cost of hundreds and hundreds.

Two families, two totally different approaches. Both have positive and negative sides. I just accept each for what it is. I think your DS's GF will too. Do be aware, though, that she might not be used to doing it back -so she might not have lots of presents for you all in return until next year!

MrsJayy · 01/11/2016 11:35

Tbf the op probably isnt expecting a load of presents from a 16yr old girl

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 01/11/2016 11:44

I think one present from your family is enough.
The presents from ds, her boyfriend are completely separate unless you make s big deal about having paid for them.

My eldest is 19 and his girlfriend 18, last Christmas we have her two presents. One was fluffy sleep socks and a hat. The other was a make up bag with a Mac mascara in that ds had told us was on her Christmas list.

I think the biggest issue at that age is the feeling of needing to reciprocate and unless they have a job they often can't. So they feel awkward.

Notmorecake · 01/11/2016 11:45

I spent a few Christmases with a boyfriends family at a similar age ( well , early twenties ) many years ago. The house was indeed full of gifts as his mum loved Christmas and giving. I was dreading the morning of sitting back and watching everyone open their gifts. I thought it would be really awkward. To my absolute surprise there was a huge pile of little thoughtful beautiful gifts for me too. I sat in amongst it all and felt the warmth and love of a wonderful family.

You sound just like his mum.xxx

foursillybeans · 01/11/2016 11:47

I think it depends on where she is spending Christmas. Will she not be with her own parents? I wouldn't do a stocking unless she is going to be with you when you all open a stocking. If she will be there then I would do a joint stocking for DS1 and gf to share. Treats for both in together - it could upset her own DM if you tread on their toes by doing a stocking. She might see it as her special thing.

I think only you know the answer to whether you are spending too much and will embarrass the young lady's parents. We don't know their financial situation but yes if they are not very well off then you could make it very awkward. Perhaps buy something like a nice bag that it could go in so she just carries one thing in her house rather than quite obviously having her arms full of stuff iyswim.

You sound very sweet, kind and generous. Perhaps just a tiny bit keen.

NurseRoscoe · 01/11/2016 11:54

I believe gift giving is a personal thing and people can give as much or as little as they want to. As she's only young and I don't know if she's working or still at school/college or anything I would just make sure she doesn't feel upset if she can't get you all as much :)

Cloeycat · 01/11/2016 12:00

As the gf I have always given a family present (posh Christmas decoration or the like) and then a present for DP. Normally received similar, something from the family (think scarf, smelliest, pjs type of thing) and something from DP. I've always thought this plenty however would have been delighted to receive more if offered 😊

Now me and DP are basically a family in our own right we get something for each member of his and my family (parents and siblings) from both of us and they give either individually or couple presents whichever they prefer. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it and Christmas is a lovely time

TataEs · 01/11/2016 12:05

my exs (i say ex, we were barely dating, and looking back he was way more invested than i was) mum did this, bought me pjs, socks, jewellery, chocolate, etc and it was a bit much...
put a lot of pressure on the relationship, id buy something's by from you, choc from siblings and let your son give the main gift of his choosing.

Original poster

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 12:23

Had to at the 'from the dog' that is my dp family- dogs buy for the dogs and human's buy for the dogs...... Even Christmas cards with muddy paw prints are sent!

Yes ds1 has chosen said presents for his girlfriend, I just provided the funds.....(this time only!)

I should probably add that I have bipolar which I can say has a lot to do with the 'over gift giving' when my mood is high so to speak. Which again is why I wanted opinions- and all opinions are welcome. That's what I love about mumsnet, seeing the range of views on an issue.

As for the 'they are only 16 and will break up'- me and dp have been together since 15, and several of my friends are still together from around that age- so you never know she could be here for the long haul. But if she is or is not- she is for now, and as far as we are concerned has become part of our family. I know a few of you have different views on this, but for our family that is how we view things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnysky2016 · 01/11/2016 12:28

For those that asked about her parents financial situation, that's all good, so no issues there. It's just the unsure about the amount (although from what ds1 has said and their actions with gift for us (see previous post or 2), they are generous, but I'm just contemplating if I've overdone it.
It's been nice reading all of your different experiences and thoughts on this. Keep them coming! I didn't think this post would get many replies

OP posts:

KitKats28 · 01/11/2016 12:29

The first Christmas we were together, I was 17 and my boyfriend (now husband) was 18. My inlaws bought me a gorgeous floppy velvet hat, chocolates and some other small daft bits and pieces. His grandparents bought me a beautiful scarf, which made me cry as I felt part of the family. I can't remember what my mum bought him, but it was small fun stuff and I think a jumper.

The following Christmas, we both got the same from his parents (a generous cheque) and the same from my parents (stocking fillers and a voucher) as we were now "established". Almost 30 years later, it's still the same.

I'm now having the dilemma of what to buy my daughter's boyfriend. His family are absolutely loaded (and we absolutely aren't) and I know he feels shy about accepting gifts, so I think I'll probably get him a hoody or similar, chosen by my daughter. He and my daughter will probably just buy each other a bar of chocolate or something. They aren't really into exchanging gifts. We wouldn't expect anything from him at all.

carefreeeee · 01/11/2016 12:58

If she's there when you all open your presents I think it's nice to include her as one of the family ie. plenty of stuff to open.

If not, it's still nice to give her something and what you've described doesn't sound that much as a lot if actually from your son and not you.

It does get a bit awkward as you get older and parents are showering everyone with piles of stuff they don't really want or need and it takes ages to open. At some stage parents need to step down the present giving to their adult children as people sort out their own traditions. But 16 is too young for all that so I think your way sounds nice.

HedgehogHedgehog · 01/11/2016 13:01

Are you going to give them to her at yours to open with you? If so i think thats fine because she will see that you all get each other loads of gifts. However if you give them to her to take home it might be embarrassing for her if her family buys her much less stuff.
Btw i think you sound lovely and she is v lucky!! x

Vintagegirl1 · 01/11/2016 13:03

A 16 year old girl is not part of your family at all,that's silly and yes you have gone way over the top with gifts.

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Farmmummy · 01/11/2016 13:07

I think it's lovely and she will be thrilled

GinIsIn · 01/11/2016 13:16

My family are like this. The first time my DH came with me for Christmas I know he felt incredibly overwhelmed and a bit startled by the volume of present giving. He loves it now though! :) I say go for it!

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 13:27

navy

Really? DS and her don't live together, she isn't pregnant, they don't have a child, aren't engaged, aren't married...

I would probably treat her like a good family friend. But I wouldn't think she was part of the family.

SirChenjin · 01/11/2016 13:40

Agree Spunky. My teens GFs/BFs aren't part of the family - they are made to feel very welcome, but at 16 and after a year together they are not part of our family - and nor would I like them to be treated as part of their BF/GFs family. That's far too much pressure on a young relationship which statistically speaking will not last the distance.

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 01/11/2016 13:56

Blimey.

Look.... everyone is different but I am . Your DS is only 16! He might have a string of girlfriends before he settles down! Just because you met your DH at 15, doesn't mean that he will. One present to open would be quite enough in my book. My DD's bf who was over from his home in Oz was here for one Christmas and we gave him a present to open on Christmas Day. He gave us one. Very kind and thoughtful of him. My DD was 22 at the time. They are now finished.

You sound like a lovely warm person OP so I don't mean to sound critical, we all do things differently. I also don't get the bit where parents get over friendly with their teenagers gf/bf parents. It's a recipe for disaster when or if it finishes I think, especially if it's a bit acrimonious.

For the pp who said the gf will be thrilled. How do you know that? She could be really embarrassed, especially if her parents aren't bothering with presents for her bf.

I remember when I was a teen and my bf's family being so OTT and over friendly with me whenever I went to their house. I hated it, I was working up to finishing with him and didn't know how to as he was so keen, and it just made me feel awful and worried.

PhantomPringles · 01/11/2016 14:01

That sounds lovely. I wouldn't worry. My family have always been the same - at Xmas my DH (even before we were married) got a big bag of gifts from each of my parents, my grandparents, siblings and great aunt. It made him feel part of the family.

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 14:02

navy

I like my little sister's boyfriend as well (she's much younger than I am and currently lives with us..) but I don't seem him as family. He will come over for a small Christmas lunch and we'll give him a present" but that's it... (I just realised I don't know what to get him. Shit! I'll have to ask my little sister.)

I guess we're just different :)

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