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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stay with DP after this...

54 replies

Kez437 · 31/10/2016 16:16

DP and I have been together for 2 years, friends before that for a year and I've know him since we were 16. He has a 4 year old son who we have 4 days a week and who I adore.
I now live at DPs home with DPs parents (big house and we're saving to build our own). Before me DP had a colourful past and had a notorious reputation for being a womaniser and cheating on his ex. I fought a relationship with DP for a long time but I fell in love without meaning to and in fairness the last 2 years have been brilliant. Everyone comments on how brilliant he is to me and how in love we are.
Last 6 months however have been really tough due to a couple of external reasons which DP contributed to. I have stood by and supported him 100% despite the strain.
Last night while he was in the pub I lifted his phone and before I knew it I came across a stream of graphic messages between him a girl he used to see. They go back a month and it is clear that at one point he collected her from a night out (when I was away on my only girls weekend of the year). I am totally heartbroken. I confronted him and he maintains that nothing happened when he collected her and that he will do whatever it takes to fix this. I just don't know if it can be fixed. I feel odd and detached and I've barely cried but he has betrayed me in the worst way. Do I leave him? Do I stay and try? I feel like he's been leading a double life but he is the love of my life. I am totally lost and I don't know what to do. Any advice or experience would help. My family and friends are all very much of the 'I told you so' opinion as I took the leap against all of their advices.

OP posts:
shakemysilliesout · 31/10/2016 16:18

Sorry but I'd probably call it a day now before you are fully committed to a house/ pregnant. Life can get really stressful and I don't think you trust him anymore.

KoalaDownUnder · 31/10/2016 16:20

You sound as if you are tempted to stay with him just to 'prove everyone wrong'.

Don't do that. He's a cheat and a liar. You can do so much better.

mrschatty · 31/10/2016 16:20

Trust is like a mirror. Once it's broken you can put it back together but you'll still see the cracks.

All your friends and family are like 'I told you so' that not helpful but people do rarely change. He sounds like he will always have one eye on whose coming round the corner next and I wouldn't want a life like that at all.

balence49 · 31/10/2016 16:21

Fuck that! Dump him. And don't lie for him.

Idratherbeaunicorn · 31/10/2016 16:21

I think only you can answer this, OP.
What do you want?
If you believe your relationship is worth fighting for, then fight for it.
You said he had a reputation for being a womanizer, if you decided to "forgive and forget" would you be able to truly move on from it? If not, then thats something you need to think about.
I think in the first instance you need to talk to him - find out why he was messaging this girl? Are there others? Is he unhappy? How far has he gone?
Sorry if thats no use - I truly hope you're OK, OP Flowers

JaniceBattersby · 31/10/2016 16:22

I used to go out with a 'reformed' cheat and womaniser. Everyone said he'd changed when he met me and that he was a new man. Turns out he hadn't, he'd just got better at hiding it.

There's no way I'd stay with someone like that. Get out now, while you can.

Gougeyourheartoutwithaspoon · 31/10/2016 16:23

Sorry but I think it's best to move on. Try not to see it as your family are happy to say they told you so..... I'm sure they love you and want what's best. It's nice you gave him your trust despite his past but doesn't seem like he deserves it.

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 16:23

He's cheating on you. He has no respect for you.

Bin him off

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2016 16:26

Graphic messages and collecting her when you were away,,,ok you know something happened between them. You also know he is not going to admit it.

The question is can uou live with a man who cheats on you? Because if he's done it this early on, he will do it again. Or do you love him enough to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions? Is that the life you want?

It doesn't even seem uou are married, in fact you've only been together two years, and he's already cheating.

If it was me? I'd cut my losses now and get out. I'm sorry. He may be the love of your life, but sadly it doesn't look like you are that of his as otherwise he would not be sexting and meeting someone else after two years.

sweetstemcauli · 31/10/2016 16:46

You are still in denial, OP. The love of someone's life doesn't sleep around.

ChicRock · 31/10/2016 16:50

Dump him and be grateful that you've only wasted 2 years of your life and you're not tied down with a house and child together.

NorksAreMessy · 31/10/2016 16:52

oh, dump!
That leaopard has not changed any of his spots, has he.
You cant fix this...it is not yours to fix :(

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2016 16:55

Liars and cheats don't change. For me it would be the end.

What was the thing you stood by him for? That sounds worrying after a short time together.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/10/2016 16:57

I'm sorry Kez but going to echo what PPs said he's a cheat and him picking her up the night you were away and supposedly nothing happened despite graphic texts between them? He's a git for treating you like this and putting you in this situation. Thanks

user1471494124 · 31/10/2016 16:58

Run now! There is no good future with this man.

Thisjustinno · 31/10/2016 17:05

Dump him. He's played into your vanity - that he cheated before with other people because of something 'wrong' with them or he wasn't really in love but you're the 'one'.

And that's not a criticism of you BTW, we all want to think it'll be different with us, we're the 'one' etc. He's a cheat and he's cheated on you.

Bin him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2016 17:26

"he maintains that nothing happened when he collected her and that he will do whatever it takes to fix this."
Well he could start 'doing whatever' by stopping lying. Of course something happened! But he's not going to admit to that without a fight.

Honestly, I would move out of his parents house tonight. Get your stuff together and move elsewhere, to friends or family or a hotel/N&B/Airbnb. You need to put some space between you, so that you can clear your head and think about what you want. If you stay there you'll be overcome with the desire to sweep it all under the carpet and behave (on the surface) as if it's all going to be OK whilst inside you slowly die. Get out, spend some time without him, and think about your future and what you want from it.

That's the immediate practicalities. As to the wider issue, I believe he cheated on you and that he will do it again. And again. And again. For as long as you are together. If that's what you want, stay with him. If you want to be loved and respected by someone you can love and respect, split up. You may think he is the love of your life, but his actions confirm that you are not his Sad. I'm so sorry OP, but this man is not a keeper.

And as others have pointed out - don't stay to prevent someone saying 'I told you so'. That would be a shit basis for a relationship. Don't punish yourself that way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2016 17:27

N&B? B&B, duh!

magoria · 31/10/2016 17:34

I suggest you get along to the STI clinic for a full check up.

He has history. Has been sending graphic messages and met up with at least one other person that you know of at the only time when you were away (not a coincidence).

You would be crazy to think he has been caught out the very first time...

Arfarfanarf · 31/10/2016 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebootYourEngine · 31/10/2016 17:39

No cheat ever admits anything happened when they are first comfronted.

I would dump and run.

PoldarksBreeches · 31/10/2016 17:39

He's done it before, he's done it to you, he'll do it again. He's a tom cat and can't be changed.

GentleOnMyMind · 31/10/2016 18:01

Sorry this has happened, being cheated on is the worst.

I think you need to put some space between you starting now, you need to stay somewhere else to give yourself a chance to think.

I imagine knowing your family and friends attitude he is pretty confident you will never leave him despite what he does.

Ultimately I would say leave him, the trust is gone. As pp poster said do it now before your lives become even more complicated.

CalmItKermitt · 31/10/2016 18:04

Of course something happened and you know it.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2016 18:13

You really think the best you can do is some slag? You need to work on your self-esteem A LOT.

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