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Original poster

To stay with DP after this...

54 replies

Kez437 · 31/10/2016 16:16

DP and I have been together for 2 years, friends before that for a year and I've know him since we were 16. He has a 4 year old son who we have 4 days a week and who I adore.
I now live at DPs home with DPs parents (big house and we're saving to build our own). Before me DP had a colourful past and had a notorious reputation for being a womaniser and cheating on his ex. I fought a relationship with DP for a long time but I fell in love without meaning to and in fairness the last 2 years have been brilliant. Everyone comments on how brilliant he is to me and how in love we are.
Last 6 months however have been really tough due to a couple of external reasons which DP contributed to. I have stood by and supported him 100% despite the strain.
Last night while he was in the pub I lifted his phone and before I knew it I came across a stream of graphic messages between him a girl he used to see. They go back a month and it is clear that at one point he collected her from a night out (when I was away on my only girls weekend of the year). I am totally heartbroken. I confronted him and he maintains that nothing happened when he collected her and that he will do whatever it takes to fix this. I just don't know if it can be fixed. I feel odd and detached and I've barely cried but he has betrayed me in the worst way. Do I leave him? Do I stay and try? I feel like he's been leading a double life but he is the love of my life. I am totally lost and I don't know what to do. Any advice or experience would help. My family and friends are all very much of the 'I told you so' opinion as I took the leap against all of their advices.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 31/10/2016 18:17

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'm sorry to say I agree with PP that he has clearly been cheating.

I think you need to try to take the emotion out of this and look at the cold hard facts. He has a "notorious reputation" for womanising, he was unfaithful in previous relationships, he has been unfaithful to you (whether or not sex took place, sending and receiving graphic images is not being faithful) and you his behaviour has recently placed a "strain" on your relationship.

My job involves completing a lot of risk assessments and we are taught that the single biggest predictor of how someone will behave in the future is how they have behaved in the past. A depressing thought, I know, because we all want to believe that people can change. The reality is though that people rarely change their behaviour unless there are negative consequences for them. If you go stay with him after he has been unfaithful, what is to stop him from doing it again?

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2016 18:18

Sorry about all the typos. Stupid predictive text Blush

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 18:22

He is a Shagger, love

Some people just cannot resist the pull of that sordid secret rutting

Time to end it before you debase yourself any more. Your family and friends must be full of pity for you. Who wants people to feel sorry for them ?

Kick his ase into touch and google "sunk costs"

You are on a loser here, love

TwoNoisyBoys · 31/10/2016 18:45

Please listen to what everyone here is saying. I know you don't want to believe it but they're all right. He will not change. Mine didn't! As a PP said, they tap into your vanity by making you believe that they cheated before you because nobody was right for them....not like you! But believe me, that's his MO and he'll do it again and again and AGAIN. And if you decide to stay, you'll never fully trust him again, and yes, you'll slowly die inside. Pain now will be so much better than pain 2, 5, 10, even 20 years down the line. I got out, and I thought he was the love of my life. I was DEVASTATED and the pain was hideous. But.....believe it or not, I'm happier than ever now because I'm not living with fear and mistrust. And the man who was the absolute centre of my world? Well I know for a fact he's already cheating on the woman he cheated on me with! He's scum. The only emotions I feel for him now are disdain, and maybe a bit of pity. He's pathetic, and you're worth SO much more. Please be brave....you'll never regret it, but you'll regret wasting your life and love on this excuse for a man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2016 18:48

You knew he was a long shot. You gave him a chance. He fucked up royally.

I have seen 'players' be turned around. But once they started messing up, they didn't stop.

Run and don't look back.

Dontpanicpyke · 31/10/2016 18:52

I usually try to see the good in a relationship and don't always go for LTB first off but in this case love he has huge form.

Cut your losses and take care of you. There's much better men out there xx

Bruce02 · 31/10/2016 19:03

You need to leave him. Staying just so your family and friends aren't proved right is madness.

Why did you lift his phone and go through his messages? Is it because you didn't trust him before this? I suspect it is.

Don't stay with a man you don't and can't trust.

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/10/2016 19:15

Leave him before you end up pregnant and tied to him for a life.

Please don't stay with him just to prove people "wrong". You'll end up miserable. You're worth so much more than someone who is happy to send dirty messages to another girl behind your back.

Have some self-respect and find someone who'll treat you right. Don't settle for second best.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 19:23

OP, are you hoping that when you have a baby he will settle down ?

The chances of that are vanishingly tiny I am afraid

sweetstemcauli · 31/10/2016 20:10

Does anyone else remember a recent thread of this type that was on here? Where the OP refused to listen to all advice? The one that got pulled?

Don't be that OP, OP.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 20:15

just the one, sweet ?

magoria · 31/10/2016 21:44

He already has a child with an ex he cheated on.

He won't be any different if you have a child. he already isn't.

Lucked · 31/10/2016 21:48

I can believe your contemplating staying. I would have walked out that pub and never looked back.

Do you have somewhere to go?

JellyBelli · 31/10/2016 21:55

My neighbour is a few years further down the line. They are a yoyo couple, split up regularly, she isnt happy. He has his own flat.
Is this what you want from a relationship?

mamma12 · 31/10/2016 22:42

I think you know in your heart what the right thing to do is but you just want objective confirmation of this. Run for the hills girl you deserve better x

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2016 23:08

It's alright. If you stick with it long enough you can be like my friend. Married to a man now too old to pull anyone else. Mmmmm. She gets him exclusively when no one else wants him.

TwoNoisyBoys · 01/11/2016 08:51

They're never too old Mrs! My ex is no spring chick, but he still thinks he's a young man, and has at least two on the go to my knowledge..... He's an utter embarrassment! The only time he'd be 'exclusive ' is if he'd was bedridden with no internet access!

IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings · 01/11/2016 08:55

Of course something happened. Don't kid yourself.

PeggyMitchell123 · 01/11/2016 08:57

You need to leave him now before you have a house and kids with him. He has a major reputation as a cheater and has now been caught sending graphic messages and meeting someone the only weekend you are away. How on earth do you know this is the first time? It's not like he wouldn't know some tricks, he has been a cheat long enough.

Also get yourself down a sex clinic, make sure he has not given you anything.

Rainydayspending · 01/11/2016 09:28

That type?: He likes the chase. He can't function in the long term. He hasn't got / can't be bothered with the skills. He's weak. NEeds someone on the "back burner" as he defines himself by if he can get any.
Why bother, you'd have more fun, more support with practically anyone else.

NavyandWhite · 01/11/2016 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cees · 01/11/2016 09:38

No no, he hasn't changed, he's just hiding himself better. No doubt he has feelings for you but they are not enough if he can switch them off to chase someone else. He is a liar and a cheat, you know this and now he has proved it to you.

Don't pretend he is the love of your life, your life is far from done you have many years to meet the real deal.

FFTransform · 01/11/2016 09:55

If this happened on the only weekend you went away, how will you ever be able to trust him if you go away again? What happens if you have kids - will he be seeing someone whilst you are in hospital? Maybe, maybe not but you will be thinking about it Sad
Can you really spend the rest of your relationship having the doubt?

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/11/2016 10:25

This is who he is and your love and overall fabulousness and connection with him won't change that. This is who he is. This is who he is. You can't change him. You can't change him.

You can decide whether you want to live with this, because it's who he is and you can't change him. Or you can decide to leave and be open to something better. But don't imagine your love together will change him. You can't change him. This is who he is.

clumsyduck · 01/11/2016 10:48

Have to say I agree with everyone else .

If he can't behave during the first couple of years the supposed honeymoon period then what hope is there for years down the line ? Of course then youl be financially tied to him and possibly have children together as well . Will probably make him even more confident in his making a fool of you !

He's an arsehole for letting you bond with his child to knowing that ultimately his behaviour will impact on that relationship to .

I know it's hard but I'd get out now much easier than years down the line !

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