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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

refusing to go on a family holiday - AIBU?

46 replies

BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 11:42

My mother is planning a family holiday to Florida for June/July 2017

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to go? Here is my thought process:

First off all there is the cost – A trip to Florida isn’t cheap! And all of our money at the moment is funding our wedding
It’s too close to my wedding – imagine going on holiday a couple weeks before the big day – Stressful!
Haven’t got enough Annual Leave left – Have already booked off 3 weeks for the wedding and honeymoon
Zika Virus – I know the virus hasn’t necessarily spread to Orlando, but with confirmed cases in the state I would be wary. Me and DP want to start trying for a baby as soon as possible after the wedding

I have already mentioned the annual leave conundrum to her and she has said to take it as unpaid leave (that will really help out our financial situation…NOT)

So am I being unreasonable for refusing to join in on what she deems the ‘last’ family holiday? Also to add, I will be the only sibling not going

OP posts:
Giratina · 31/10/2016 11:45

YANBU. If your mum is that desperate for you to go she would have taken your circumstances into consideration when planning it. You've got enough on with the wedding, she needs to accept that you're an adult doing your own thing now and the time for big family holidays has passed.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/10/2016 11:45

Yanbu. Of course not. Sobeit if you are the only sibling not going. Your reasons for not going are all perfectly reasonable ... I can't see how she could argue against any of them. Is your mother used to getting her own way by any chance?

RhiWrites · 31/10/2016 11:54

She wants you to go on an expensive foreign holiday two weeks before your wedding? She's saying this will be the last family holiday?

OP, I think your mums scared of losing you. Suggest you do it one year later when you e had s chance to save up again. And tell her just because you're getting married doesn't mean there won't be family holidays in future.

Unless of course you don't ever want to go on holiday with her.

ChuckGravestones · 31/10/2016 11:55

'Can't afford it and no leave left and far too close to the wedding. Maybe next time'

GnomeDePlume · 31/10/2016 12:01

YANBU

Do not make promises about future family holidays.

You dont want to go on this one for many perfectly good reasons. Once you have DC of your own you may want to go with a GP but equally you may decide you dont want to. Dont leave yourself hamstrung by a promise lightly made.

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 12:01

bibbitybobbityyhat how could you tell? Haha! She's already kicked off so much about the wedding that this is just another thing to add to the list! She will make me feel bad about not going but I will just have to stay strong and tell her no.

OP posts:
lacklustremum · 31/10/2016 12:06

Take it as unpaid leave? Despite the financial situation, I can't imagine most employers being happy with 5 weeks leave so close together?

Stand your ground

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/10/2016 12:09

Just say you'd love to but you have no annual leave left. Don't list three or four reasons because it looks like you're making excuses.

rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 12:11

Any one of your reasons would be good enough -all of them would make it a really bad idea!!

Does she want you to be poor, stressed and unpopular at work?!

BeALert · 31/10/2016 12:14

Just the fact that it's Florida is reason enough not to go :-)

RortyCrankle · 31/10/2016 12:20

As people are fond of saying on here, 'no' is a complete sentence.

Actually OP, just one of your reasons would be sufficient but adding them all together - you would be beyond crazy to agree. Definitely don't feel bad - if DM wants to throw a wobbly, let her wobble.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2016 12:26

'Take it upaid'. Oh, fuck her off! 'I can't go. I don't have the money, I don't have the leave and I can't afford to take it unpaid.' The end.

AlpacaPicnic · 31/10/2016 12:27

Are you on good terms with your boss? Could you explain the situation in person then email 'asking about unpaid leave' and then your boss could reply telling you 'that it's absolutely out of the question due to staff shortages/pre-booked holidays i.e. yours/workload etc'
Then you can show your mum that it is 100% not going to happen.

I mean, I'm no fan of lying but if it gets your mum off your back then I'd do anything for an easy life...

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2016 12:32

"She's already kicked off so much about the wedding that this is just another thing to add to the list!"

Sounds to me as if she's perhaps trying to sabotage your wedding and plans. Say no. Simple. You're an adult and you get to choose. She wants you to put your financial future and work future potentially at risk and has a hissy fit when you say no. Nice. Unless she's going to pay for you to go at a time when you can take paid leave, then you simply can't go. Otherwise she waits until you've saved up - that is, if you still want to go after all the emotional blackmail.

pictish · 31/10/2016 12:33

Chuck puts it succinctly. Can't afford it, no annual leave left, too clost to wedding.
It's a no...of course it is.

SapphireStrange · 31/10/2016 12:42

Why has she deemed it 'the last'? Confused

rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 12:45

She sounds very manipulative! I'd just tell her I don't want to go to Florida!

ChatEnOeuf · 31/10/2016 12:51

She wants your boss to agree to you taking five weeks off in just two months? Even without your perfectly good reasons for declining, she sounds mad!

PlumsGalore · 31/10/2016 12:54

What is wrong with her?

You are skint, you have used your leave up, you have all the stress associated with the build up to the wedding. Who in their right mind would honestly consider going to Florida in the middle of hurricane season when all the American schools are also on vacation when they have no leave and no money?

This is all about her, she needs a holiday, she wants to chose where she goes and with whom she goes with and tough to anyone that doesn't feel the same.

No.

PlumsGalore · 31/10/2016 12:55

What is wrong with her?

You are skint, you have used your leave up, you have all the stress associated with the build up to the wedding. Who in their right mind would honestly consider going to Florida in the middle of hurricane season when all the American schools are also on vacation when they have no leave and no money?

This is all about her, she needs a holiday, she wants to chose where she goes and with whom she goes with and tough to anyone that doesn't feel the same.

No.

PlumsGalore · 31/10/2016 12:55

Sorry for duplication!

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 31/10/2016 12:55

Of course you have to say no! You'd be mad to say yes. It's not like she asking you round for Sunday lunch. She wants you to spend thousands(?) of pounds and disrupt your wedding preparations. Fuck that.

But I guess, if it was just a question of you saying "No, sorry that doesn't work for me." And your mum saying "OK, no probs, Bethany" then you wouldn't need to have started a thread. I'm guessing there's a lot of dysfunctional family dynamics behind this.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2016 12:59

If all of you going was that important, she would have sat you all down with calendars and come up with a mutually convenient date. You would then have discussed a mutually convenient and affordable destination.

As that didn't happen, YANBU at all.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2016 13:01

I have already mentioned the annual leave conundrum to her and she has said to take it as unpaid leave (that will really help out our financial situation…NOT)

That's not always an option - and in this case, I think most employers would refuse the request for unpaid leave as it'll mean you've had five weeks off in two months. That's highly disruptive.

Tell her you can't get the leave, and you've got no choice, and then it won't matter how upset she is - you can just repeat that you can't go as you don't have the leave, it's not a decision you made, and eventually she'll get the message. It's pointless her trying to change your mind if it's not possible.

You could always reassure her that there will be more family holidays, as a PP said, but it sounds like this is a squiffy relationship so I'd think carefully before you do.

Frazzled2207 · 31/10/2016 13:02

Yanbu for all the reasons you mention. Each one on its own is reason enough not to want to go.

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