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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

refusing to go on a family holiday - AIBU?

46 replies

BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 11:42

My mother is planning a family holiday to Florida for June/July 2017

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to go? Here is my thought process:

First off all there is the cost – A trip to Florida isn’t cheap! And all of our money at the moment is funding our wedding
It’s too close to my wedding – imagine going on holiday a couple weeks before the big day – Stressful!
Haven’t got enough Annual Leave left – Have already booked off 3 weeks for the wedding and honeymoon
Zika Virus – I know the virus hasn’t necessarily spread to Orlando, but with confirmed cases in the state I would be wary. Me and DP want to start trying for a baby as soon as possible after the wedding

I have already mentioned the annual leave conundrum to her and she has said to take it as unpaid leave (that will really help out our financial situation…NOT)

So am I being unreasonable for refusing to join in on what she deems the ‘last’ family holiday? Also to add, I will be the only sibling not going

OP posts:
Original poster
BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 14:00

I don’t think she means anything sinister by our ‘last’ family holiday – I think it’s just the fact that I’m 25, and my siblings are 22, 21 and 18. Within the last 18 months I’ve bought a house and got engaged so I think she feels like she’s loosing me… I know she means well, but sometimes the way she handles some stuff just pushes me further away. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought this holiday was a ridiculous request!

I’ve just got to be careful how I handle this because our relationship is fragile as it is.
...

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 14:03

How are the 18, 21 and 22 year old funding this holiday?! Shock

ChuckGravestones · 31/10/2016 14:05

Is she always stealing your thunder? Why does she want the thing next summer to be a family holiday and not your wedding?

Pallisers · 31/10/2016 14:06

I don't know many people in their 20s still going on family holidays. Just tell her no thanks.

(And Florida in June/July will be like being in a bowl of hot soup.)

rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 14:07

Or is she planning to pay for the flights/tickets/spending money of everyone going?!

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 14:20

rollonthesummer that's exactly what I thought! Hot and sweaty - yuck!
as per usual with these things, mummy and daddy will pay for the siblings (she did offer to pay for me, but was told we would have to pay for my Fiancé to come) that in itself explains my family's feelings towards him :S

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 14:27

Well, just tell her you can't afford for either/both of you to go. How does she expect you to Magic up x grand?! How much will it be?

Can totally see why your teen/twenties siblings won't turn down a free holiday to the states though! They are in a totally different financial predicament and time in their life to you!!

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 14:28

YANBU, you have bigger fish to fry at the moment

Alwayschanging1 · 31/10/2016 14:42

All of your reasons are good ones.
Just say - 'lovely thought mum, but it's just not practical or affordable for us. Have a great trip.'

Letseatgrandma · 31/10/2016 15:05

on what she deems the ‘last’ family holiday? Also to add, I will be the only sibling not going

That's an illogical argument!! She can't say-'all the others are coming' when she is paying for them!

I presume she wants you to come but not your partner?!

TheWayYouLookTonight · 31/10/2016 15:10

The risks of zika virus to her potential future grandchildren should be plenty reason enough for you not to go. Even if it's not in Orlando now, it might be by the time you go.

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 15:23

Letseatgrandma she didn't actually say it, but by singling him out and saying he has to pay for himself, she made it pretty obvious. Made him feel fabulous as you can imagine.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 15:55

What would she actually reply if you said outright-'lovely idea, mum but amongst other things-like my boss not granting unpaid leave-we can't afford to pay for DH to come, so we'll be giving it a miss.'

Would she say that Dh should stay behind? That you should get a loan?

Even if you had the money-just-how is taking unpaid leave going to help?! Even if it was allowed.

I'd ring her up ASAP to tell her you aren't going and why. I'm sure we could help you out with answers to whatever possible scenarios are suggested!!

rookiemere · 31/10/2016 16:20

YANBU.
Your immediate family is now yourself and your DH to be. I don't know a single soul that would think it's a good idea for a B2B to go on a big expensive foreign holiday with her DM only weeks before the wedding.

Just no. Tell her you can't afford it, you don't want to go and you'll have plenty enough holiday on honeymoon.

Incidentally why did she kick off about the wedding?

Topseyt · 31/10/2016 16:20

She does sound like hard work.

Just keep reiterating to her that you can't afford it, you don't have enough annual leave, you won't be given unpaid leave and you cannot therefore simply go on this holiday without endangering your job and with it your financial future. Therefore IT IS NOT HAPPENING.

Sounds unequivocal to me, but there are none so blind/deaf as those who do not want to see or hear something.

Original poster
BethanyCourt · 31/10/2016 19:43

Rookiemere she kicked off about the fact that I'm only having one of the three sisters as a bridesmaid. I'm not that close to the other two, and they don't even really care that I'm getting married so they didn't deserve to be involved. Weddings huh?! Brings out the worst in everyone!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/10/2016 19:48

Presumably if you're not that close to two of the siblings-you won't want to be spending thousands of pounds to be in close proximity of them for a family holiday then!!

YelloDraw · 31/10/2016 19:49

EAsy - you hjust say you haven;t got the annual leave as using it all for wedding/HM

Boysnme · 31/10/2016 20:28

I love Florida but would have a couple of concerns in your situation:

  1. Florida is really expensive. I have a good job and still save for 2 years. No way would I be doing this while saving for a wedding.
  1. Unpaid leave is not a given and most employers would say no to so much leave in a short time.
  1. Family holidays, especially in somewhere like Florida, are not always fun and relaxing. In my experience they can dampen your holiday, that you have probably spent thousands on!

Just tell you mum your not going and that's the end of it.

Basicbrown · 31/10/2016 20:33

Of course yanbu. You need to raise your expectations that DM treats you as an independent adult woman rather than a child. 'last family holiday' oh do behave Hmm

confuugled1 · 31/10/2016 20:59

I'd keep reiterating everything already outlined here.

And then say that actually, you're really upset that she is choosing that time to deliberately go on a big family holiday - that it's 2 weeks before your wedding, you will be very busy sorting out dress fittings, table plans, orders of service, chasing rsvps, etc etc - there are always a million and one jobs that pop up at that time.

And that if she doesn't want to be involved in the run up in any way then that's absolutely no problem. But she must understand that it's important to you, so even if you had won the lottery so had the money to go, and even if you were allowed to take leave; paid or otherwise, you wouldn't be able to go because it's in the immediate run up to the wedding.

And that actually it feels like she is doing it deliberately to have something to bait you with and be deliberately awkward about.

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