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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NC from close friends after I've given birth

68 replies

bigsur99 · 30/10/2016 14:06

Not sure if this is the correct topic board to use, but here goes...

I gave birth just over a week ago by ELCS and texted close friends and sent a photo, then my DH made an announcement on FB later that evening. I received brief messages back from the close friends I'd messaged, but then haven't heard anything since! Just for a clearer insight, my friends don not have children of their own. But I'm really upset not to have heard anymore from them, such as whether me or the baby are okay etc.

In comparison, I have friends who are parents who have messaged regularly to check up on us and one really kind couple made some food for us and delivered it!

I feel like I need to address this with my friends when I finally see them, otherwise I don't think I can be okay with them if I don't air this upset.

What do you think and what advise would you give in regards to speaking to the friends in question about this?

Sorry for long message!

OP posts:

Chinnygirl · 30/10/2016 15:06

I find it strange that you want them to ask if you and the baby are ok, is there a problem that you want to tell them?

In my experience people tend to tell you how they are doing after the birth, including the bad news. Also a lot of new parents like to have the family visit first and friends when they are more settled. Also, FB is very overrated and people don't always read it every hour.

I think that you are overreacting a bit. Your friends sound like they are giving you some space.

SheldonCRules · 30/10/2016 15:08

I send a congratulations text but don't tend to ask if baby is ok as presume the parents would say if not.

For a second child, I'd expect far less fuss as is the case with subsequent children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2016 15:09

I think YABU, yes.
Understandable because you had troubles after your first baby, so you'd think that your friends would be more concerned this time around - but they don't get it, do they. How could they?

You know, you are being a bit over-sensitive. If they hadn't replied AT ALL, I could see your concern, but they have.

So no, I don't think you need to "air it with them" because I think that they will think you're over-reacting - they replied!

septembersunshine · 30/10/2016 15:13

Op I would just remember that people have their own lives and while your baby and the fact you have just given birth are hugely important to you right now you don't really know what might be happening in your friends lives. I think you have got to imagine that everyone is different. Some people don't rush over to gush over the baby or message you constantly but this doesn't mean they don't care. I would close this chapter and just get on with enjoying your newborn. Congrats op.

StarlingMurderation · 30/10/2016 15:22

Sometimes people who don't have kids don't realise what a huge thing it is to have a new baby. To them, it's just, 'Yay, bigsur has had her baby!' Then they carry on with their lives, and probably don't think much more about it for days at a time, because they have their own stuff to think about. Before I had DS, I had idea what a huge game changer it was to have a baby and how much my life would be turned upside down. It was all encompassing to me - but to my friends it was just a nice thing that had happened, like maybe a promotion or a new pet.

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 15:25

They are unlikely to be dropping get you as they were friends with you when you had one baby. If they didn't want friends with babies, they would have dropped you before now.

They are giving you space and time. Op you are really over reacting. I am glad you are going to contact them.

Obsidian77 · 30/10/2016 15:30

Can you reach out directly to them? i.e. Hello friend I'm struggling a bit at home with the baby and would really welcome some company...are you free Saturday at 11? I found if you spell out exactly what you would like people are more likely to make an effort.
They're your friends for a reason, don't give up on them.
Best wishes op

Obsidian77 · 30/10/2016 15:39

Ah sorry, my screen didn't refresh, just saw that you said you didn't want them to visit per se. Then maybe tell them, explicitly, that you're feeling lonely/bored/overwhelmed (edit as required) and it would mean a lot to you to receive more messages at the mo.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 30/10/2016 15:41

If you want to see them, tell them. They're not psychic.

But yes, YABU. I wouldn't be chasing you either - you said the baby arrived, they said congratulations, now I'd expect you to tell me if you needed something (or I would contact you in the ordinary course as usual).

HereIAm20 · 30/10/2016 15:46

Maybe they read all the threads on here from people not even wanting their own family around for over a month after the birth.

YABU because friends who are parents are supporting and those who are not parents don't realise!

Original poster

bigsur99 · 30/10/2016 16:02

I don't want them visit per se, just a quick message to ask if I'm alright and if the baby is, as I've said previously. But I understand that everyone has different expectations/ideas. Just thought my friends knew me better. Not a prob. I will message them

OP posts:

BackforGood · 30/10/2016 16:02

You are definitely overthinking this.
I would always leave a friend alone in the first couple of weeks - that's 'family time' when there's a new baby, in my book. From what you've said, they did respond to the announcement. Now they are giving you some space.
If you want to talk then ring them up, or invite them to visit.

Original poster

bigsur99 · 30/10/2016 16:08

Thanks all. I've messaged them. I did wonder whether I was being U and I've got my answer!

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 30/10/2016 16:13

Like others, I'm afraid it wouldn't occur to me to send a message asking if you/baby were alright.
Also, too many new parents on here make a big thing about wanting time together as a family without external disturbances - maybe this is what they are thinking..

LuchiMangsho · 30/10/2016 17:09

From their experience: you have done this bit before. Also while your first birth was traumatic to you and you remember every detail, the non parents either may not remember that or may just think 'oh it was a bit hard' and not think too much about it.
Third, they did acknowledge the birth. I am not a fan of FB announcements but each to their own- but with a friend I had already texted in person (which is personal) I wouldn't bother with a FB congratulations.
Also it has been a week...as others have said most new parents like to be left alone. Maybe as childless couples/people they asked others and were told not to pester the new mum till you extended an invitation.
I would hardly consider not hearing from friends for a week to be going NC...

Witchend · 30/10/2016 17:45

My youngest is 9 yo and I can't remember who sent cards wtc when any of the dc were born.
I'd always leave well alone unless specifically invited for two weeks as ime partner is often off the and parents/in laws visiting. So the time to visit to be helpful is after that.

londonrach · 30/10/2016 18:02

Its only been a week! Congratulations but give it time.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 30/10/2016 20:54

I'd have expected a bit of contact from close friends too, OP. Close friends shouldn't back off at big times in your life.
I'm sure they don't mean anything by it, and I'd not lose friends over it, but I too would be disappointed in your shoes.

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