NC from close friends after I've given birth

[bigsur99]

Not sure if this is the correct topic board to use, but here goes...

I gave birth just over a week ago by ELCS and texted close friends and sent a photo, then my DH made an announcement on FB later that evening. I received brief messages back from the close friends I'd messaged, but then haven't heard anything since! Just for a clearer insight, my friends don not have children of their own. But I'm really upset not to have heard anymore from them, such as whether me or the baby are okay etc.

In comparison, I have friends who are parents who have messaged regularly to check up on us and one really kind couple made some food for us and delivered it!

I feel like I need to address this with my friends when I finally see them, otherwise I don't think I can be okay with them if I don't air this upset.

What do you think and what advise would you give in regards to speaking to the friends in question about this?

Sorry for long message!

People on AIBU are always super harsh! I have no idea why. I once posted about the same topic in AIBU and 'relationships' a few weeks apart, and most people on AIBU told me yes YABU, in fact extremely unreasonable, and most people in relationship thread had a lot of sympathy and told me YANBU.

Anyway, on this issue, I understand why you'd like some more support and contact from people, but I don't think pull get much out of airing it with your friends. Most people do what they think is best, and it's unlikely to be due to any lack of consideration for you or selfishness. Many people (not all by any means, but many) who haven't got children themselves don't quite know how to approach new parents and may feel apprehensive about how to proceed or simply not realise what's big deal it is and how you may feel afterwards. If I were you, I'd simply take initiative to initiqive them round if you're ready for it and in that way incite contact, and perhaps them tell them if you feel lonely/ in need of support without blaming them at all, and then hope they'll cotton on. And be grateful
For those friends of yours who are being supportive already! congrats on your baby

There is no "expected" way. Expected by whom? Honestly, non parents are just the same as parents. Being a parent does not suddenly put you in different league, behaviour wise.

What is you want then to do?

I think a lot of people maybe feel they don't want to intrude in the early days, and are afraid even a text may wake a newborn (especially if they don't have their own). Maybe text them - a 'how are things? Are you free to visit sometime' kind of text before cutting them out altogether.

No not young - 32! But yes we have a lot of contact usually! Thanks for the last couple of responses being kinder :) I had one friend who didn't see my first child until she was two!!!!! Ha - now that is definitely a long time.

I absolutely don't want to cut them out - they're my oldest friends. Just wondered if I should address the issue with them or whether it was actually worth it. Just a bit upset by it

I don't think they've done anything wrong. They texted you instead of just a general response on facebook, and are now leaving you to enjoy your new baby. Its hard enough getting the right time to text/call/visit a new mum with a newborn let alone try and fit with a toddler schedule too. Also as friends they'll know you'll have inlaws/parents/aunts&uncles also clamouring to see baby and their help dh on paternity leave etc.

To be honest I'm giving them lots of reasons why they haven't been in touch when I feel they've done plenty.

Also think about your friends - are they having a stressful time at work/ dealing with other issues - family illness etc. Also you say they're not parents - could this be an issue for them?

What issue?
Enjoy your baby and don't make unnecessary problems where there don't seem to be any.

I have 3 children, the youngest being 13 months. Apart from a congratulations text to people I know who've had babies I don't contact them. Might sound harsh but I see it as it's their news/life not mine.
I didn't expect anything from anyone with any of mine. Me and my babies aren't the centre of anyone else's universe and rightly so.
It's always difficult as a friend as you don't know if the new mother has family around, in the middle of a feed, having a nap etc. So I just leave then get in with it and pick up with them when the first few weeks die down.
If you are feeling the way you do then text them and say they are welcome to pop around for a visit if their passing. Don't hold it against them.
As another person has said, people can't do right from wrong. Just enjoy your baby and these first few weeks. Congratulations 😊

*they're not their!

Chardonnay - there clearly is a difference, but I don't mean it in a rude way. If you've been through it yourself you know what a life changing experience it is, especially the first few weeks/months. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, as well as physical changes/challenges. I just thought after my last experience (which they are aware of), that they may have been a little more attentive. But I'm definitely going to take posters' advice and reach out to them and hope that they were just giving us space :) thank you for those who have their wisdom in a gentle way!!!!

If you usually have a lot of contact I find it bizarre they'd not bother at all. I wouldn't be bothered about presents, lasagne, or cards, but tbf I would expect a ' hope you're doing ok, let me know when you're up to seeing us ' sort of response from a close friend. Hope you're enjoying your new baby.
Saying that, I've got to the age when I don't expect anything from anyone, makes life easier.

From my experience second babies are quite ignored! It's like it's old news.

Congratulations on your new baby :) I have a few friends with babies and honestly, a lot of them just want to be left alone. So I tend to send them a message and ask them to let me know when they are up for visitors. If it's a while before I will see them (due to living elsewhere) then I will send a text about a week later to ask how things are.

Yes I'm enjoying our new baby. I think it was just the stark contrast between parent friends and non parent friends...which perhaps answers my question!!! I realise I'm not the centre of the universe and don't think a solitary text a few days in is asking much, especially as I've always been there to support them in any changes in their lives. No - not an issue them not being parents. They don't want to be.

Bigpointystick - what you've said is exactly how I feel! :)

Bagina - ha ha I guess you're right about second babies. The novelty has worn off and my friends have realised that I won't be out partying for even longer now ;)

This happened to my after I had my DD (I was 18). Loads of friends just dropped me like a rock. I was really upset to begin with and thought maybe they were just giving me space but they weren't. On the brighter side, I've made some nice mum friends who know what it's actually like to have children and we all support each other.

" all I got was congratulations "

umm...OK....
OP people who have not had children themselves are simply not sure what the drill is....you have to contact them and tell them it is OK to come round.
In addition, a lot of new parents do not want hordes of people round, and they might be giving you some space.

Have you messaged them to invite them round?
I wouldn't be in contact with friends that soon who had just had a baby unless they invited the contact. Yabu

It is so difficult to gauge these situations as everyone wants/needs different things. When I had dd I wanted my dh, parents, and I am glad my sister was around. But other than that I really wanted everyone to leave us alone for the first couple of weeks. Becoming parents was overwhelming and I needed some space to settle in.

Also the first couple of weeks was intense with visitors and then nothing! So spreading it out a bit maybe consideration on their part, thinking they can be there when it had all settled a bit.

Why would they need to check whether you and the baby are okay, OP? Surely that would be implied from the text message and facebook post, that the baby arrived safely etc. It has been just over a week, they have congratulated you, I don't see what more you want from them. There's a large number of posts on MN where people complain about getting visitors straight after the birth- they probably want to give you a bit of space. It has nothing to do with them being 'non-parents' or not. It is because they have their own lives to lead, as do you. You having a baby does not mean as much to them as it does to you. I would guess you aren't overly involved in their lives either.

I don't want them visit per se, just a quick message to ask if I'm alright and if the baby is, as I've said previously. But I understand that everyone has different expectations/ideas. Just thought my friends knew me better. Not a prob. I will message them

Just put a message up somewhere saying, "We're all settled in and ready for any visitors now ".

I think it's a bit thoughtless of old and close friends with whom you're normally in regular daily/weekly contact, but on this occasion I wouldn't hold it against them.

Its your second baby, they probably think you've been there done it before so know what you are doing. They've said congratulations, maybe they've had a full on week so haven't been in touch, or maybe they are try to be considerate giving you some space and don't want to phone in-case you are sleeping/feeding or whatever.

Give them the benefit of the doubt and stop over thinking what their expected response should be, there isn't one. Enjoy your baby and if you want to hear from your friends text them/invite them over or whatever, it would have taken less time and energy to text them than write this thread.