wibu me or daughter

[Cluesue]

My 10 year old daughter has 2 reborn dolls that she has had since she was 5,very well loved and pretty tatty now,she hasn't played with them in about 18 months now,one was shoved in a box and one has been sat in a toy cot in bedroom for all this time.
Anyhow,my sister phoned me up this week to ask if dd still had them as her friends dd was really into them at the moment and could she possibly have them,my automatic response was no as dd2 who is 4 may want them.Cleaning the bedroom this morning and thought actually dd2 doesn't really play with dolls so I asked her did she like them,she said "no they are freaky".
So I go to dd1 and asked could they be given to friends dd so they will be played with again not just shoved in box or sat in room collecting dust,I was met with an emphatic "no" and an argument ensued.
I would rather they were put to good use and played with again,she wants to keep them shoved away.Wibu?

When I was little, each member of our family would have a little patch of garden to keep. I had mine beautifully laid out with moss and stones. Then my mother decided it was messy and weeded it. I was heartbroken and still am a little if truth be known. She had the whole garden to weed but she chose to destroy my bit. I know she didn't mean to upset me so much but children are fragile creatures and need to be handled accordingly.

I think you should let her keep them. Even if she doesnt play with them any more they may be of special significance to her. I still have a teddy from when i was a child, do i play with it? no. Would i ever give it away? NO!

dd is a terrible hoarder, I have had to get rid of bucketloads without her knowing. I have no regrets, but Only 2 dolls surplus 2 requirements would be bliss & not worth argument!! dd hoarded stuff like dead animal carcasses (sigh).

Ywbu to give them away especially as she said no, these are her things that she might want to keep forever and possibly give to her own dc.

My dm threw out soft toys without telling me until after I let it slide but now I sometimes wish I still had certain dolls to give my own dc.

There are certain soft toys I have decided will never go if it can be helped for my dc and she has already expressed keeping them forever at aged 6 although she would keep all of them if she could..

It seems to work well for some children on the Kondo threads, Blanche. And all the decisions are up to them so they get to keep what their parents thought of as plastic broken tat and let go of stuff they've never actually been interested in. The key is is the child's choice not the parent decluttering

Posted too soon - I had the same experience as you in childhood, Blanche (I got very emotional reading your post, it describes it all so eloquently) - my mother liked the feeling of getting thanks and kudos for giving things so gave away things I'd spent ages making, my teddy etc. Often in front of me to visitors so I couldn't object or even show distress (as there would be consequences for that later) It was v upsetting. Having everything together and being asked what I wanted to keep would have been a world better than that - it's respecting the child's feelings and choices and them as an individual. They can choose to keep everything after all - but based on what people who've done it with their children have said, children make choices and just keep what's important to them. I think it's a great method for people like the OP who are obviously far better intentioned than your mother or mine with this - but just need less clutter and a way to identify what can go without causing anyone distress.

Some Reborn dolls are quite expensive. I would check and make doubly sure they are not collectors items.

It sounded weird horizon I could imagine the most precious of parent using world poverty, self actualisation and the promise of doughnuts as a motivation for Little Johnny to put his last Little Pony in the bag

Often in front of me to visitors so I couldn't object or even show distress (as there would be consequences for that later) It was v upsetting. Ah yes! The "Don't you dare show me up" tactic. I still find myself allowing others to take advantage because I fear showing real emotion is a bad thing. As a wise man once published "They screw you up, your mum and dad"

I am guessing, from your explanation, that the Kondo for Kids would work much like DSis and DNs yearly declutter, all his choice, his timeframe. My kneejerk reaction just might be down to my own, repeated, Kondo Fails

Well, but hummus, surely, not doughnuts!

It's tricky to yank out that deep rooted stuff - my instinct is also to pacify anyone behaving badly - and then have trouble getting past it once I'm safely out of the situation...

Now I want a doughnut

Ourblanche im so sorry you went through that as a child and i hope i havent affected my girls forever,this is why i always come to mumsnetters for soynd advice,never let me down and have no problem being told im in the wrong.
Truthfully I could see the error of my ways as I typed the op;definitely should have just asked dd1 what she wanted before considering them for dd2 or friend,and my frustrations are my own.
Unfortunately because the girls have to share a room,I have all dd2's in the living room so dd1 can have the bedroom to herself most of the time.

I'll tell your u what I did with my own dcs.
We emptied the cupboards together and went through all the stuff that was broken or bits were missing and they couldn't be played with.
Came to an agreement to throw those in the bin (already a lot of clutter removed)
Then we looked at what they had and we asked them 'do you still play with it? Do you still like it/enjoy it? Do yu want to keep it?'
We reviewed every single thing with them. When dc1 had things he didn't want THEN and only then we asked dc2 if he wanted them.
Dc1 was relatively ok with it. Dc2 just didn't want to get rid of stuff. The first time. And the second he was more relaxed about it. And then it became a habit.

Yu need to teach them. Yu need to start with doing it with them. You can't just ask and expect them to just do it. Even at 10yo. And especially if they are used to you moving ownership wo asking them.

Another way with clutter btw, is to put some stuff in the loft. (With their agreement). And then reviewing it 6 months or 1 year later. Ask them if they have missed it or if they think they will play with it.

Another way with clutter is to avoid to buy too much too!

Another thing to remember is that not all toys are equal. Dolls, bears, stuffed animals, 'characters' have all been endowed with characters, loved as personalities, thought of as 'real'.

No matter how much you tell me Ds's stuffed teddy is stuffed cloth, I feel sentiment about him as a character, and could no more throw him out than cool teen DS could! I know his life story, we taught him to read alongside DS, I know what he is scared of and what he likes best! Totally different from old plastic stuff.

OP - your dd probably feels the same about her dolls, even though she is too old to play with them now.

Unfortunately because the girls have to share a room Oh I know how that makes it hard. We spent 2 years in a caravan, waiting for a tied cottage to be vacated for us.

We had drawers under our shared bed, if it didn't fit in then DM would pop it in the bin... even when 'it' was the Spirograph she had bought 2 weeks earlier! We rescued that one - and the doll that cried once too often

I don't doubt you can make this right/stop it being a problem with your DDs, you have acknowledged it is a problem that you have... my DM was like that of other pps, she has never acknowledged that she did any of this! No memory whatsoever... well, she'll remember her reasoning but never the tears!

You need to work out how you can make your space/home more sharable - DDs shared bedroom included. Storage might be your saviour... hopefully

Let her keep. My treasured childhood doll and my first cuddly toy now belong to my children and felt lovely to give them to them. Go through things together and find out what she wants to keep and why. I had very few things that were mine as a child as everything shared or quickly passed on. It's important for children to feel like you respect there things. Just think how upsetting as an adult it would be if someone sold your stuff without your knowledge. She may also decide to sell her own stuff. When I sold jumperoo and swing the money went strait back to children for them to pick a new toy each as they had been bought for them

Kondo for kids doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, provided the parents let the child drive the decision making.

When I was growing up, my parents encouraged me and my siblings to regularly look through our toys and books, and donate ones we didn't want any more to charity, school jumble sales etc. Mostly because there simply wouldn't have been enough room to keep everything. I don't see that as too dissimilar to getting kids to kondo their stuff.

But, the key point was, it was our decision whether to keep any particular toy. Our parents respected our decisions about which things we wanted to keep and which things we were happy to let go to somewhere else. I never felt I had to worry about my parents disappearing my stuff.

My gran used to do this to my mum and uncle. She even gave away their pet tortoise when my mum went to university! My mum only found out when she came home for the first weekend. It really rankled with my mum for years afterwards, and she NEVER gave away anything of ours.

My mum once threw out a bag of what she thought was rubbish from my room. Not in or near the bin. The "rubbish" was research for my a level coursework. She's never thrown anything of mine out since.