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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu me or daughter

70 replies

Cluesue · 30/10/2016 11:12

My 10 year old daughter has 2 reborn dolls that she has had since she was 5,very well loved and pretty tatty now,she hasn't played with them in about 18 months now,one was shoved in a box and one has been sat in a toy cot in bedroom for all this time.
Anyhow,my sister phoned me up this week to ask if dd still had them as her friends dd was really into them at the moment and could she possibly have them,my automatic response was no as dd2 who is 4 may want them.Cleaning the bedroom this morning and thought actually dd2 doesn't really play with dolls so I asked her did she like them,she said "no they are freaky".
So I go to dd1 and asked could they be given to friends dd so they will be played with again not just shoved in box or sat in room collecting dust,I was met with an emphatic "no" and an argument ensued.
I would rather they were put to good use and played with again,she wants to keep them shoved away.Wibu?

OP posts:
softboiledeggs · 30/10/2016 11:37

Cross post, glad to hear you have sorted it out Smile my Mum used to decide when I was done with my things and it used to really upset me, especially things I'd hoped to keep for sentimental reasons so glad you have seen that and spoken to her.

TaterTots · 30/10/2016 11:40

I just Googled these monstrosities and now I can't unsee them Halloween Shock

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/10/2016 11:49

They get worse with age

wibu me or daughter
OP posts:
w12newmum · 30/10/2016 11:50

YABU - it's perfectly normally to hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I was recently helping my parents to move house and I asked where something from my childhood was and her embarrassed look gave it away that she had sold it. I let it go as she is normally very considerate with checking if I still want things like old school reports etc.

w12newmum · 30/10/2016 11:51

Just seen your most recent post - seems very reasonable and of course there has to be a limit space wise, just let her choose.

OurBlanche · 30/10/2016 11:53

Can I tell you a tale, that may help you avoid making your 10 year old feel totally rejected by you?

You see, your story rang a bell. You were asked by a friend to pass on something your older DD owns... on thinking about it, you didn't ask your older DD first, you asked your younger DD if she would want them... so you thought you would give them to the friend after all.

In your mind, you had already removed them from your oldest DDs possession. You hadn't asked her, you just assumed... and thought it perfectly OK to offer her possessions to anyone who asked or crossed your mind!

The pram? Well, now you have started something... your DDs will now know that you will give away their stuff, without asking! You are, understandably, thnking of your won issues, but are also causing some for your DDs.

I lost so many of my childhood possessions. I could come home on any given day and find soemthing had just vanished. If I asked I was always told not to be silly, I didn't play with it any more, I had not touched it in months or I was being selfish as X wanted it, I should be happy to share:

My guitar that I apparently no longer used, days before I was entered into a competition!

My stamp collection, made by me and my deceased grand dad, as I never put my stamps in it, there weere always packets lying round - that I bought weekly with my pocket money - that were all given to a cousin, as he 'quite liked them'!

My kite. Stunt kite I had saved up for... Peter Powell original Smile Hadn't been used since before Christmas and, just as the weather was warming up, it was given to someone, no idea who. Well, I hadn't used it for months, it was just sat in a cupboard, alongside buckets and spades I woudl assume!

I got so used to this that I took to hiding stuff. I hid my charm bracelet under a floorboard under my bed. I was 13, it had 13 charms on it, all bought by grandparents, reflecting whatever craze I was into at the time. DM found it, gave to to a friend. I had no respect for it, apparently, as I had just thrown it under the bed, probably didn't even know it was there... under a floorboard, wrapped in pink tissue, inside a little leather bag!

You can imagine the relationship I have with my DPs now?

We are going to have to work out a compromise as a family where they get to keep their things and it doesn't get me overwhelmed clutter wise. Yes. A proper compromise, where they get to say "No mum, you will have to learn to deal with some of it" A compromise that changes as they get older, leaves them with some control.

Good luck. Smile

228agreenend · 30/10/2016 11:58

Your daughter wants to keep them, so,she should be allowed to keep,them.

BabooshkaKate · 30/10/2016 11:59

Let her keep them. These are the things that stay with kids for a lifetime. For example:

My mum used to give my things away without asking, or tricked me into it. I had a large magazine subscription, think along the lines of Horrible Histories, that I collected and carefully did all the puzzles and tasks. Mum pushed me into 'lending' some to my cousin because they were just sat there and collecting dust in her view. Months later we went to cousin's house to find a couple of destroyed magazines. The rest had been thrown out. I was distraught. She said iwas being silly and shouted at me when I cried about it. Now that I'm an adult she still refuses to see what she did was wrong Halloween Hmm

BabooshkaKate · 30/10/2016 12:03

Ah good on you OP. Can i suggest you all have regular clear outs and that your kids join in and get rid of things they don't want? Say every 6 months you bring 2 boxes in and say right, we will be giving toys away to charity to children who don't have any toys. Please put the things you don't want in the boxes.

That way you can clear some space and your DC don't feel violated.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2016 12:07

We got our loft floorboarded, so apart from things like suitcases, a lot of DDs old toys that she didn't want to part with (ever or yet) aren't cluttering up the living space. Maybe something like that might help you, if its feasible, OP?

A six- monthly or yearly check on what they want to keep, archive or give away/dispose of can be useful, so long as its not pressured.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2016 12:11

Flowers Blanche, that is truly awful.

That's a whole lot more than just your parents being thoughtless. They were vile. I hope you have a lovely life now with lots of meaningful things you call your own.

Original poster
Cluesue · 30/10/2016 12:13

Yes that does sound like an idea,although last week when i did (i understand now it was unreasonable)get rid of 4 yr olds pram and other stuff she hasnt noticed yet,I did ask 10 yr old to go have a look at what she could pass on,she came back with nothing.

OP posts:
thisisafakename · 30/10/2016 12:20

Christ, those dolls are hideous. It would give me nightmares having them in the house.

However, I agree with all who have said that they belong to your daughter. Maybe also try to think of creative storage solutions to hide clutter away if family members refuse to get rid of possessions. Or maybe rent a storage container and stuff can go in there so that it is not gone forever.

horizontilting · 30/10/2016 12:22

Have you tried the Marie Kondo method, OP? Some posters have had lots of success with their children with that. Doing it yourself first with your own things is very therapeutic and could help you achieve a more restful environment that would help your anxiety around clutter. Modelling it and then moving to doing it together with your children can work well as they've already experienced some benefits. And the key is it's far easier for them to decide what they want to keep than what they'll give away, categorising and keeping things that make them happy works better and would be well within your daughters understanding from the sound of it.

Serialweightwatcher · 30/10/2016 12:23

They're hers and she wants to keep them - maybe for the memories or whatever, but she still wants to keep them. Tell friend to tell other friend to buy one

OurBlanche · 30/10/2016 12:23

AcrossthePond I have told that story here a few times. I think the first time surprised me, as I didn't realise that otherppeople would think it was so bad. Even at 51 years old I hold that grudge Smile

Cluesue your 10 yr old has given you a clear message - not now mum! Smile

DSis (also exposed to Sudden Inexplicable Toy Loss) used to get DN to choose which toys went to carboots, charity, friends in about February - when his Christmas haul would need a permanent home and his older toys took up too much room.

If it were car booted he got to keep the money, he chose which of his freinds 'needed' that last something to finish off their set, they did some serous swapping over the years. He got very good at packing much loved sets of stuff into small boxes and packing them away in very little space. Consequently DSis didn't have to put up witht he clutter and DN didn't lose the stuff he valued above other toys.

Maybe something similar would work with your 2?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 30/10/2016 12:24

This has reminded me of the day I found all my dolls on the toy stall at the village fete and being horrified that they had been donated without my knowledge, that was over 40 years ago and I haven't forgotton.
The secret is the child must never know. I use to hide my ds's old toys away and if they hadn't noticed they were missing a year or more later they would be discretly given away to a charity shop or somewhere I knew they would never see them. They never realised and I got away with it.

OurBlanche · 30/10/2016 12:25

Marie Kondo for kids??? Noooooooooooooo! That's inhumane!

Mishaps · 30/10/2016 12:25

Her property, her decision.

spidey66 · 30/10/2016 12:31

I've got a childhood doll. I'm 50 and haven't played with it in decades, but its still mine.

NurseRoscoe · 30/10/2016 12:35

Glad you let her keep them in the end. My mum kept lots of my old dolls and their pram, now my little girl loves them. It's really special to see her playing with things I loved as a child.

Blu · 30/10/2016 12:38

OP, I am glad you are now thinking of this in the context of it being your problem Flowers.

I noticed the same thing that Blanche did: you had already mentally 'chucked out' the doll from your DD1 and made the decision on her behalf that her sister could have them.

Given your own relationship with clutter/ control, it might help to see how your dd might also want, and certainly need, control over her own possessions.

Would a 'your area' and 'her area' help? as in if it is in her bedroom it is her area?

Good luck, anyway.

diddl · 30/10/2016 12:39

It really shouldn't have descended into an argument.

If they are in her room & out of your way then that's that imo.

"I have real issues with clutter,"

I don't think that that means that you can just throw their stuff away though.

Do you have a husband/partner & if so, would you just throw their stuff away?

WizardOfToss · 30/10/2016 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nannanoonoo · 30/10/2016 12:49

Why did an argument ensue when she said "no" ? I'm sorry but she is your child and you argued with HER because you did'nt get the answer YOU wanted, have you asked her since the argument is she ok? I bet she isn't and is feeling hurt, and why did your sister ask you ? they are not your property she should have asked your daughter.