To think it's hard of my Mum to do this to me?

[user1477282676]

Basically I've emigrated across to the other side of the globe. Been here a year with DH and our two DC.

It wasn't an easy decision to make AT ALL. Much soul searching etc.

However, given the opportunity we had been given and the fact that our prospects in the UK were looking narrower and bleaker, we took the chance and went.

Mum is widowed...but she works part time and has friends plus my two sisters and my brother...my sisters also have children so she's not been robbed of her only grandchildren (though obviously mine are themselves and can't be replaced)

She guilt trips me.

I speak to her on the phone about 4 times a week...I've suggested she gets my sister to set up facetime or something so she can see the DC faces and interact but no...she isn't computer literate...hasn't got one.

I asked her tonight "Have you asked sister to show you some photos on Facebook yet?"

And she said "No. To be frank I don't want to see them. It will make me cry"

Now that may be the truth but does she need to tell me!?

She wont' come to vist. She's made that clear....she COULD but won't. Doesn't like flying.

Work makes it hard for us to go but we're trying to arrange a trip next year. This isn't the first comment she's made..she's not demonstrative...has never told me she loved me or anything but I know she does and I accept her difficulties with expressing emotion.

It seems to come out so hard when she says things like that. It's not easy for me either! I do like it here though...but I'd feel much happier if I had her blessing but I know shed prefer us back in the UK even though we had shit jobs and a shit flat in a shit area.

:( AIBU to want her to act a bit tougher or something? For her to jolly ME along instead of the other way round? She's my Mother and I don't feel like she supports me.

Somervile she HAS travelled alone...quite extensively. And she can drive a car, she is very independent.

But she does have a choice Somerville. She has the choice not to look on the down side of life and rejoice in the way her DD and family are making a new positive life for themselves, she has the choice to take a plane and visit her family, to skype, to not live her life through her children. She has lots of choice, she just chooses to be miserable and by extension try to ensure the OP is miserable as well.

Bitterness is such a terrible thing to allow in to your life, it eats away at you.

I tried and TRIED to get her online...way before I moved out here. Bought her two phones...got the second one as it was simpler to use...I've sat with her at my laptop to show her how easy it is...she is stubborn and says "Oh no...I don't like it...it confuses me"

No way will she learn. Not with me teaching her or any of my siblings.

She's wonderful in many ways she really is...but she's always lived in the same village. All her life. Same village her parents lived in and theirs before them and theirs before them right back as far as I got to on our family tree which was about 1790...our family were STILL in that bloody area.

My roots there are very deep which made it even harder to leave. I can walk down any street and knock on any door and more or less know who lives there...my great grandfather built numerous buildings there...my relatives are all in the churchyard there...it's hard...

Do not feel guilty, she has chosen the life she wants, why shouldn't you have your choice. Children are not 'your' children, they are for you to nurture, and then to let go and live their own lives, when they are ready. I would be delighted for my children to live happily and successfully somewhere else. My youngest son died at 26, I often think, when friends complain about their offspring living too far away, 'I wish my son was in Australia or New Zealand'

Queen I'm so sorry you lost you son. It just shows how different a situation can look from another perspective

shes trying to play the victim card oh i coulnt possible l look at pics its so upsetting

tell her to get over herself its been a year? she nees to get used to it

she cant express emotion but constantly tells u how sad she is?

OP - how old is your mum? I have had similar issues with my own Mum but in a slightly more complicated way - she is not from the UK originally and moved back to her own country when I was in my early twenties and she was in her early 50s. She could not understand why I would not move with her even though I was establishing my career at the time and had just met my DH (and frankly had no desire, then or ever, to live in her country of origin). Guilt tripping has always been a favoured tactic of hers but I have learnt over the years that as changing her attitude is an impossibility changing my reaction to it is the only thing that helps. Your mum has options that she chooses not to exercise - that is not your fault nor can you control it. You've made the right decision for your family.

OP she is choosing not to communicate using skype etc. How old is she?

If my adult DC and DGC moved away and there was a new method of communicating with them that I found really difficult and new, I would persevere and do everything I could to master it so that I could stay in touch properly. She is having you on.

If your siblings still live nearby, they could help her, or she could skype you whilst at their houses - she obviously prefers to play the martyr.

I feel for her so much but she does complain a lot. She always has told me her complaints about my siblings...well...two of them...the other does no wrong! She tells me things and then says "I haven't told the others..."

And I think "Why have you told me then!?"

I'm the youngest of four...why am I always the one she confides in and complains to?

I'm sorry, I haven't read the entire thread yet but just wanted to say that this is exactly what my mum used to be like with me. I am also the youngest of four, coincidentally. My mum died four years ago now but would have behaved in exactly the same way had I moved away (we even made the decision not to move 200 miles away within the UK, because we knew it would upset her too much).

With the benefit of hindsight, my siblings and I can now see that she was, entirely unintentionally, playing us all off against each other. As much as we all loved and miss her, we do get on so much better now that there is no "well it's supposed to be a secret and I haven't told any of the others but........" going on.

YANBU to wish she wasn't reacting like this. It may well be how she is feeling but, TBH, that is her problem. I'm sorry to sound harsh but all I want for my DCs is for them to be happy, healthy and lead the lives that they want to lead. I would absolutely hate to think that my child was feeling held back in life by me - or on the other side of the world feeling guilty because of me.

Unfortunately, I think that if you tried to explain to her how she is making you feel, you'd find it all turned around into you being the selfish one.

If she's travelled extensively then there are no excuses for her not coming to visit. You hadn't said that before. I thought she wasn't accustomed to flying.

As I said right from my first post - and as many other PP's have said - you can't control her reactions, only your own.

Think about it, her mission in life is to make you responsible for her happiness.

Why would she use Skype? Why would she use a phone? Why, when if she refuses to, she can make you feel shit 4x a week.

Be out.

She is choosing to wallow, you don't have to allow that wallowing to hurt you. Any decent parent would miss their child, but be happy that they are happy. They'd also use whatever means they could to have contact and see their dd/gc

I was 20 and lived in São Paulo for 2 years. There wasn't even satellite telly, let alone Internet or voip! Fax was a new invention.

I also lived in Egypt for 3 years in my late 30s. ok, so it's becom apparent that my family is toxic, but even they managed conversations when it suited them.

You can't change her...

She doesn't want to interact with you online and she doesn't want to visit.

Her choice - stop trying to make her be different - it only causes you more heartache.

Keep conversations positive and breezy if she starts being negative. If she begins trying to guilt trip you, tell her you don't want to talk about that / you have to go etc