To think it's hard of my Mum to do this to me?

[user1477282676]

Basically I've emigrated across to the other side of the globe. Been here a year with DH and our two DC.

It wasn't an easy decision to make AT ALL. Much soul searching etc.

However, given the opportunity we had been given and the fact that our prospects in the UK were looking narrower and bleaker, we took the chance and went.

Mum is widowed...but she works part time and has friends plus my two sisters and my brother...my sisters also have children so she's not been robbed of her only grandchildren (though obviously mine are themselves and can't be replaced)

She guilt trips me.

I speak to her on the phone about 4 times a week...I've suggested she gets my sister to set up facetime or something so she can see the DC faces and interact but no...she isn't computer literate...hasn't got one.

I asked her tonight "Have you asked sister to show you some photos on Facebook yet?"

And she said "No. To be frank I don't want to see them. It will make me cry"

Now that may be the truth but does she need to tell me!?

She wont' come to vist. She's made that clear....she COULD but won't. Doesn't like flying.

Work makes it hard for us to go but we're trying to arrange a trip next year. This isn't the first comment she's made..she's not demonstrative...has never told me she loved me or anything but I know she does and I accept her difficulties with expressing emotion.

It seems to come out so hard when she says things like that. It's not easy for me either! I do like it here though...but I'd feel much happier if I had her blessing but I know shed prefer us back in the UK even though we had shit jobs and a shit flat in a shit area.

:( AIBU to want her to act a bit tougher or something? For her to jolly ME along instead of the other way round? She's my Mother and I don't feel like she supports me.

She's being unfair. Yes, she's entitled to feel sad, I'd be heartbroken if one of my DDs went to live so far away, but I would be positive about the everything when I spoke to her; what's the point of OP's DM emphasizing her sadness, what does it achieve?. They speak on the phone four times a week. OP is hardly ditching her DM or ignoring her.

OP's DM is choosing not to visit. Unless she actually has a phobia of flying, not liking to fly is not a reason not to visit her DD and GC. She's choosing not to skype or face time. All these things are her decision. She's being a martyr and she being unfair to lay guilt at your door OP.

Also the OP not being able to get away because of work is perfectly understandable. It's not easy to get established in a new country. When my DS move abroad and was working freelance, getting through the red tape was a nightmare.

Agree with PP, you need to tell her how her negativity impacts on you. If she won't come to visit or skype then she's only herself to blame if she doesn't see her GC growing up.

I'm glad it's working out for you.

It's hard to know what would help your mother. Maybe it will just take time for her to accept.

alone not along - should learn to proofread

has never told me she loved me or anything but I know she does and I accept her difficulties with expressing emotion I think that must be bollocks because by what you say she has no difficulty in expressing negative emotions.

YABU to expect any better from her, you will keep being disappointed until you care/expect less, focus on your siblings and friends, I'll bet there are loads of people gunning for you to have sucess in your new life but you're not focusing on them because you're focusing on the one person who is witholding their blessing from you - this is not the person who deserves your head space, the ones who are not acting like her do! switch your focus to them

I think the thing to realise here is that it's not just that she's unsupportive, she's actively punishing you with these comments. She wants you to feel like crap over this.
If it were me and my mum (I'm an only and moved 4 hours away nearly 10 years ago) I would probably ask straight out if she thinks being like that will change the situation, because all it is doing is harming your relationship.

My mum still hasn't forgiven me for moving 90 minutes away.

By car. . Not by plane.

I think you want her to pretend all is ok and to support you with your feelings but she can't and that's human. You left her and took her grandchildren with you. Why should she "jolly you along"?

Can you honestly say that you wouldn't be gutted if your own children went across the globe and claimed to be so busy with work they couldn't travel to see you?

Honestly, this kind of response to family emigrating comes up so often in Mn and I remain completely baffled by it. It makes me very conscious of how alien a concept emigration is to English culture that it's seen as a terribly anomalous and selfish thing to do.

I grew up in a time and place where emigrating was simply something most people did, especially graduates, due to high unemployment and zero prospects at home - we always went abroad to work on student visas during university holidays in the full knowledge that we'd be leaving for good within a few years. It's entirely the norm for my generation to have siblings scattered all over the world - none of mine live in my home country, for instance.

I would be very taken aback if DS wanted to stay geographically close to us, wherever we will be living by then, as an adult. I plan to make it very plain that the world is his oyster, and he should go wherever he wants with our full support.

OP, my parents have no children living in the same country as them, and were until very recently, computer-illiterate people in their mid-seventies. However, they bought themselves one and took lessons, and now we Skype every couple of days, and they talk to DS (4) while he eats dinner on many evenings, and come to visit when they can, despite not being in great health.

I think your mother, however hurt she is, is being deeply unreasonable.

I feel...or know that if I tried to tell her how her comments make me feel then she'd be little short of outraged. She is very defensive when criticised,

I would also cut the phone calls - four times a week seems excessive, especially as they sound depressing/emotionally draining.

It sounds like she enjoys punishing you. I don't think you will change her, all you can do is change your reaction to her.

Good luck.

I agree with a pp, phone once a week not 4 times. You have a new life to build so don't be dragged down and back by this childish, sulking behaviour. It sounds as if she has plenty of support herself at home.

I moved 30miles away and my mum constantly guilts me.

Even when I said that I could not cope with her negativity, she managed to continue it "But I won't tell you how much I miss the children because it makes you feel bad."

Eventually I told her that I choose to focus on the positives of life. It takes a lot of repetition. When she starts I change the subject. But I try to do it with a degree of compassion. I understand that sometimes things are genuinely tough for her, and that she genuinely grieves. TBH sometimes I let her go on and on, letting it all wash over me, with just the occasional "mm-hm, I see" etc. And sometimes, if I'm feeling strong enough, I will engage with her on it. But always on my terms.

Things have got better, gradually.

But I think you may just have to accept that some people are just - with all the love in the world - miseryguts.

Thank you everyone who has given me such good advice. I have thought about the future...when my DC are grown...how would I feel if they left? How would I feel for eg if they both went to live abroad and DH died and I was alone....and honestly...I think I'd be ok.

I really do. I've got two very good friends here...one in another city but nonetheless here and an active friend...and another in this area...and no doubt I will make more.

I do think it's a mistake to build your entire life around your grandchildren or children...we all need our own lives too.

Goodness me, I can't believe the whole 'well she can't help how she feels, why should she hide it'. Perhaps because we are lucky to live in a world where we can emigrate, go further to find jobs, start new lives, see new things. Of course you want family near by, but our children are allowed to go out into the world and not be made to feel guilty over it. That's why things such as Facebook and Skype exist!

OP, don't feel guilty about living your life. I'd deflect her negativity every time I'd speak to her 'no Skype yet? That's a shame, it's so easy. Oh have you thought about a flight over? Always welcome to visit!'. Don't pander to the guilt.

Ghoulish that made me smile :D....some people do look on the grim side.

She does tell me positive things too...like how she'd done this or is planning that...what she's buying this week or whatever. It's not ALL doom and gloom but the comments are always injected into the conversation SOMEWHERE and then she'll say "But we won't talk about that" as though I'D brought it up!

You're not responsible for her happiness, PP's are right. But neither is she responsible for yours. And by wanting her to accept it, and learn to use a computer, and take a long flight, you're kind of acting like you think she should be.

You have all the advantages of your move (sunshine, life style, job opportunities or whatever) to balance the disadvantages for being away from family. She doesn't. She just has the disadvantages.

And you had a choice. She didn't.

Also, you haven't said how long it is since your dad died, but this could have a bearing too. She's never remarried so she may have done that thing which many widows (and I say this as a widow) do to cope, which is deciding that their reason to stay living is their children/grandchildren. That makes the whole thing trickier too.

I think what you need to do about it depends on whether you think she's persuadable or not. If she could be then buy her a plane ticket for Christmas. Ideally visiting at the same time as one of your siblings. Or even is there a teenage grandchild who would love to come visit she could travel with?
Getting her an iPhone so she can FaceTime with you would be a simpler way to communicate better for someone not used to using a computer but who can already use a phone.

If she's not persuadable then you need to withdraw a bit of contact, perhaps. See if she comes round.

No she can't help how she feels. But she should also be very happy to see that you are carving a life that makes you happy and that yur plans are all doing ok.

The problem there is that she is thinking about herself only and not about you.
And I'm not sure how she can then ask you to think about her and not about you iyswim.

Somerville but that's a certain way of looking at it...saying she has all the disadvantages...you could say she has advantages she won't take...such as a place to stay for free enabling her to have a very cheap holiday!

She has a daughter and grandchildren who are living in a beautiful place with prospects...I'd call that an advantage in itself!

My Dad died almost twenty years ago.

I got her a phone when I was in the UK...twice. She leaves them uncharged and won't try to understand how to use them.

She's bei very silly refusing to try FaceTime. Cutting off her nose to spite her face, and hurting her relationship with you and her grandchildren in the process. She seems oblivious to the fact that she's actively working to erode their relationship with her by not doing face to face contact.

Dh's family are in Oz. His dad bought us all iPods purely so that we would all be able to FaceTime, and we've since progressed to iPads all round.

The kids do their homework together, play a version of hide and seek where they have to guess where the person is hiding from what they can see, show off dance moves, music stuff, art etc etc.

The Grandparents supervise reading and help with homework, admire art, plays games with cuddly toys talking to each other, chat to me while watching the kids play, pretend to get blown over when the kids huff and puff at them, etc etc.

We also do a lot of just hanging out together. We eat breakfast while they have dinner, each with an iPad propped up in the table. We wear birthday hats and have parties. Frequently, a weekend morning FaceTime will last an hour or so.

When we are all physically in the same place it's as if we see them normally all the time, they are all so familiar and comfortable with one another. Kids are closer to the Oz rellies than family who live ten miles away.

Your mum is crazy to miss out on this wonderful, affordable, easy way to connect with distant family. And she's hurting her beloved grandchildren by choosing to cut contact when she needn't.

Buy her an iPad, make sure she's got wifi, get a sibling to set up FaceTime for her and show her how to open FaceTime. Is she still won't use it then you will be able to say with confidence that it is her choice to have limited contact.

And stop taking calls from her 4 times a week to be moaned at. You are not obliged to listen to it quite so often.

She may not have had a choice, but what is the point in her having a go about it on the phone 4 times a week? I know she may not react well but I feel like after a certain point (months) both parties should be able to verbally acknowledge that mum is never going to like it, and try and move on a bit.

Can you not get your siblings to encourage her to learn the simplest forms of computing - even if just for emails? Then club together to get her a cheap computer? She's working and has friends but as she gets older and less mobile she'd be so much better being able to email. My ma at 83 was still using email and skype. It gave her great comfort checking her emails every day.

I think if I were you I would let her know that you already did your soul-searching before leaving, and negativity now isn't going to make you move back; in fact, it is just eating away at your relationship with her as you feel she's piling on the guilt

This ^

We've found the older family members get along much better with the bigger screens of iPads. Fat fingers, poor eyesight, failing hearing all make the phones tricky to use, and the bigger screen is much more like really talking face to face.

Ultimately, if she is determined to be a martyr about it the only thing you can do is distance yourself from the martyrdom.

Well yes, quite. There is the advantage of her having a place to come for holidays - but not if she won't fly. Travelling alone can be very intimidating for those who have never done it.

And whilst I wouldn't exactly call it an advantage, I agree with you that knowing that you and your children and happy and settled, even though it's not near her, is of value. Skype or FaceTime would help her to connect more with your lives and see that. But again, she doesn't know how.

Is she generally a person with anxiety and difficulties with new things? Or is this her being stubborn/punishing you. Without knowing her it's hard to tell.