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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissing off when guests are over

48 replies

SoberBee · 29/10/2016 20:56

Aibu?
When my parents come over my DH, who has known them 20years and they are close and get on well, often disappears upstairs. He will be gone for an hour of two, which is most of their visit. They come about twice a month.

He also does this when my friends come but this bothers me less as they are actually here to see me.

But, i was bought up to stay when guests are over and entertain and be pleasant - so I know my parents will notice this. It's not that he doesn't like them, it's just he gets little time to himself so feels he can take advantage of them being here my going off on his own. He does a bit of work, reading, gaming...

I think he should be gone less time and at least explain being absent. He thinks it's normal...
Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 29/10/2016 20:59

My dh is like this but we go to my parents for a whole weekend and even I sod off for a couple of hours to read the paper

But if they were over for 2 hours to disappear for 2 hours takes the piss

thegoodnameshadgone · 29/10/2016 20:59

I think of it's for a couple of hours he should spend time with your parents.

Tootsiepops · 29/10/2016 21:00

I would do the same as your husband. I'm introverted and find entertaining and being pleasant very draining. I need time alone to recharge.

Cosmicglitterghoul · 29/10/2016 21:01

I think for two hours he can suck it up.

OddBoots · 29/10/2016 21:02

Do his parents come over as frequently and if so do you stick around?

Original poster
SoberBee · 29/10/2016 21:09

His parents barely come over (their choice) but when they do, I make a fuss of them and cook, clean up, get drinks. My DH isn't that social with them either so it will fall to me to make conversation etc.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 29/10/2016 21:09

I think this is rude.

It's one thing to be staying at someone else's house for a weekend, and need it a bit of time alone.

But to disappear for pretty much the entirety of their short visit is really rude.

I'd be embarrassed if this was my DH.

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2016 21:17

He sounds very rude: does he not cope well with socialising generally or is it just when it's your parents? Just do the same when his come over, I bloody would.

crayfish · 29/10/2016 21:18

My DH does this but worse because he does it when his family come over! Not for a couple of hours but he regularly wanders off for ages and I am left entertaining people and making cups of tea. It's really rude.

Original poster
SoberBee · 29/10/2016 21:20

He's not great socially generally - although there have been times where he is just amazing but he has to be in the mood. He gets on really well with my parents, loves them to bits I know, but he wants time to himself and takes it as he wants it I guess.

OP posts:
harrypoooter · 29/10/2016 21:21

Ha ha you could literally be talking about my boyfriend. He just really doesn't like guests! My mum used to be really precious about it but realises that's just how he is. Yes he does it when his own parents/brother comes round too x

sirfredfredgeorge · 29/10/2016 21:28

If he invites them over, then disappeares, that's wrong. Given that's very unlikely, he's perfectly police to leave, just because you've been brought up with the odd idea that every member of a house has to entertain family when they visit, it doesn't mean it's right.

He gets on well with your parents I'm sure because he doesn't have to spend much time being forced to do it, yet you seem to want him too...

LockedOutOfMN · 29/10/2016 21:29

For a two or three hour visit, he and anyone can handle hanging out with anyone apart from toilet breaks, or popping out for 5 mins. for a quick phone call. He is being rude.

Do your parents mind his behaviour?

Original poster
SoberBee · 29/10/2016 21:35

My parents don't say anything negative at all, but I know that they feel uncomfortable as they'll ask if he minds them being over or if he wants to do something else. They adore him, so I think they are perplexed more than anything else.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/10/2016 21:39

I think its important that he turns up to welcome them and again when they go, and does not slope off and immediately. I think that it is fair enough for you to have time alone with your parents, Enjoy.

squoosh · 29/10/2016 21:40

He sounds like a tiresome teenager.

FurryLittleTwerp · 29/10/2016 21:49

We hardly ever have visitors these days - very few are invited because of DH's hoarded mess, but whenever we have had guests DH behaves exactly as if they are not here - he will disappear to the loo for hours, watch the boring Grand Prix television if something he likes is on, stay up late playing music directly below the guest room etc etc

The socialising carries on around / without him.

yesterdaysunshine · 29/10/2016 21:56

I think I interpret it differently. I would appreciate being given the space.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/10/2016 22:05

It would be fairly normal here, at my parents house and at the ILs house, we all disperse into different rooms, anyone is free to follow anyone else around, but whoever is at home is quite likely to carry on pottering around the kitchen or whatever whilst chatting. We don't all tend to actually sit down together for very long. I don't think anyone would think it odd if someone disappeared to their bedroom for a bit either, we don't stand on ceremony with close family.

PaniWahine · 29/10/2016 22:06

This is me at the moment... PIL are here for six days. DH admitted he was struggling on day two... Today's day five and I'd planned to spend the day doing an assignment - he begged me to come visit a castle and a food festival. PIL don't speak English I don't speak their language... I've spent 45 minutes hiding in our bedroom tonight with the cats

Wolpertinger · 29/10/2016 22:10

When my DM visits, if I'm honest the main beneficiary of her visit is me. DH likes her but really the visit is for her and me.

So DH always gets out of our hair so we can have time just the two of us. He knows that honeslty we love him but we just want to chat about stuff he isn't interested in.

Similarly when we see his parents who frankly I could live with never seeing ever again the main purpose of the visit is to please DH and his parents. So I expect DH to do the majority of the talking and entertaining and to have the opportunity for me to slope off upstairs to leave them to it to stop me murdering his DM

So I don't necessarily think your DH is being odd - I think you are doing a lot of wifework that he isn't and you've noticed.

BestZebbie · 29/10/2016 22:16

My DH also does this, and to his own family too! I consider it unreasonable.
He also does it to me sometimes - I think he has nipped out of the room for a quick wee in an advert break (etc) and (forty minutes later) he hasn't returned and is amazed that I was sitting wondering where he was/when he was coming back/had paused a tv programme rather than finish watching it by myself etc.

CalmTheFarm · 29/10/2016 22:22

My DH is like this with his own mum and step dad, one particular visit he got 'stranded' in a town 200 miles away and I was left entertaining PIL for a whole week. His car did breakdown but he could have got a bus etc.

I was not impressed, I don't get on particularly well with MIL (neither does he) so the few days of their visit was a nightmare, not to mention it was awkward as hell explaining why her own son couldn't be arsed to visit.

We live at the other end of the country for a reason Grin

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/10/2016 22:22

I'd be amazed too Best, we both wander off and don't come back for ages all the time, the TV only gets paused if specifically requested.

MistresssIggi · 29/10/2016 22:28

Every other week for two hours can seem like a lot if you are just sitting talking, rather than out "doing" anything together. If you went out for lunch, would he come to and be more sociable? Or tell him you would appreciate it if he alternated things - one visit spent all together, then the next time he can do his roaming about. It sounds like how I would behave as a child to be honest.