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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissing off when guests are over

48 replies

SoberBee · 29/10/2016 20:56

Aibu?
When my parents come over my DH, who has known them 20years and they are close and get on well, often disappears upstairs. He will be gone for an hour of two, which is most of their visit. They come about twice a month.

He also does this when my friends come but this bothers me less as they are actually here to see me.

But, i was bought up to stay when guests are over and entertain and be pleasant - so I know my parents will notice this. It's not that he doesn't like them, it's just he gets little time to himself so feels he can take advantage of them being here my going off on his own. He does a bit of work, reading, gaming...

I think he should be gone less time and at least explain being absent. He thinks it's normal...
Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

olderthanyouthink · 29/10/2016 22:38

My dad and I both do this.

Either my mum invited my grandad and uncle over for 5 days(!!!!) around my birthday or they invited themselves. I spent most of the time in my room. What I wanted to do was go out (on my own as I have no friends), maybe go shopping or to museum/ gallery, but I know that's considered rude... I ended up hiding in my room, joining them for the odd dinner.

Visits for a few hours I can stick around for but long ones I can't stand. I like to be left alone or at least chose who to be around. When I've spent 8hrs at work and 4-5hrs on public transport per day all week, on evenings and weekends I'm done with people. I don't want to answer the same questions over and over and listen to them go on about how cheap/expensive some stuff is.

My dad, I guess, is similar to me.

Shiningexample · 29/10/2016 22:43

you should follow his example and do the same when his folks visit, it's only fair

DoublePumpkin · 29/10/2016 22:43

I'm a bit like your DH.

MIL has been visiting us EOW for years. These days I just crack on with my own stuff and leave her and DH to it. Weekends are the only free time I have to get my own things done so she has to take me as she finds me.

raspberrysuicide · 29/10/2016 22:44

I think if you have guests you should be there all the time to entertain them. I feel bad even just going to pick the dcs up from school if I have my parents or in laws there.
My ex dh however doesn't care and will happily go out running for hours leaving them sitting there in their own in his house!

Chopstick17 · 29/10/2016 22:47

YANBU. I know someone who does this and we find it extremely rude.

LittleCandle · 29/10/2016 22:49

XH used to leave within 20 minutes of his parents' arrival at our house. Without fail! He used to bugger off to the pub. He did it when my parents arrived as well. The only time he was vaguely sociable was Christmas Day, when he drove me up the bloody wall with his family arriving at 5pm, when we were all comatose, and insisting on buying huge quantities of food that none of them ate. MIL was hard work, because she would half tell you stories about people you'd never known or say things that would make me want to howl with laughter because of her phrasing. XH just couldn't be bothered with them and his DM forgave him because 'he worked hard'. I hated it, and spoke to him about it, but he never changed. Its another thing I don't miss about him.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 29/10/2016 22:50

Is he missed?
I mean (s he part of the conversation or is he just sat there quietly? Does he need to be there?

At the end of the day its I his house, if he chooses to bugger off upstairs then he can. You can also make that choice when his pare ts visit, I'd strongly suggest you do.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 29/10/2016 22:52

I should also say that its different for family to friends. Family shouldn't really matter, they shouldn't be 'guets' in your home, theuy should feel at home nd be treated as such.

I oknow my mother feels at home here. She makes herself sarnies, tea, coffee, leaves toilet streaks, etc.

Shiningexample · 29/10/2016 22:52

let him taste his own medicine
dont take up his slack
stop doing all the wife work and people pleasing

green18 · 29/10/2016 22:53

YANBU It is very rude. How about asking them over for a meal, then at least he has a job to do , pouring drinks etc and he has to eat(I take it he eats?) so at least he will be present. Then wave off the visitors. I would get him to agree before inviting people over.

neweymcnewname · 29/10/2016 22:54

I agree with others that its rude -would be a bit better if he explained apologetically that he had some urgent work to do before going, but still rude to do it more than once. My cousin is like that - he once started taking us on a tour of his (newly done up and lovely) house, of which he was v proud, then vanished, leaving us in a bedroom. We went downstairs, happened to find his wife first, and we all found him pottering in the shed!
I would generally rather be by myself after 20 minutes of visitor company, but accept that it is just too rude to clear off, and part of being a grown up to stay and make conversation.

Chopstick17 · 29/10/2016 22:55

would generally rather be by myself after 20 minutes of visitor company, but accept that it is just too rude to clear off, and part of being a grown up to stay and make conversation.
Exactly.

Bluebolt · 29/10/2016 22:55

I am ok when it is outside of the house but am not great anymore with guests in the house, I do not know when I became so antisocial but I hate the feeling of entertaining in my house. DS1 has a friend staying tonight I have fed and watered but have made myself busy as far away from them as possible.

user1477282676 · 29/10/2016 23:01

He is rude. I'm a socially anxious person and actually this is all I ever want to do when people come to my house....for years I avoided having friends over but DH was suffering as he loves entertaining...now I have got much better with it all.

DH needs to learn to make more effort.

sirfredfredgeorge · 29/10/2016 23:04

If you are being made to be uncomfortable in your own house by your loved one, then your loved one is being VU, they should not be forcing that shit on you and making "not be rude". They should entertain their family elsewhere, or you can simply avoid the problem by going upstairs, which is what the OP's husband is doing.

It's not rude to not spend every minute with people you didn't invite simply because you live there.

HarrietVane99 · 29/10/2016 23:08

They're not his guests, are they? It's presumably you that invites them. Does he get a say in when they're invited? Do he and your parents have common interests they can talk about? What would actually be the point of him sitting in the room with you, once everyone's said hallo?

JLoTheAstra · 29/10/2016 23:11

If they're only there for a few hours, he's being bloody rude. I can understand needing your own space if it's a long visit (a couple of days or more), but for a few hours he should grow up and stop acting like Kevin the Teenager. I'd feel incredibly unwelcome if someone did this to me when I was visiting.

SpookyMooky · 29/10/2016 23:24

I think a few mins is fine but not an hour.

DH does make himself scarce when I have a group of friends over and I consider this normal, but it's different when you have family, or family friends, over.

I think he does need to carve out some alone time, without eating into an hour or two of socialising. We tend to swap cooking - if it's my family, DH will hide in the kitchen cook so I get more time to spend with the guests.

user1477282676 · 29/10/2016 23:37

Harriet it's her parents! Not any old guests and they only come twice a month for a couple of hours!

It's just nice to be friendly....even for half their visit!

If my DD's grow up, get married and their husband does this, I'd be thinking what rude people they'd chosen!

sortthetacheoutbernard · 29/10/2016 23:44

My dh does this
I'd love to do this too but wouldn't be so rude.
But noone seems to mind if he sits in silence for rhe whole time. I don't think I'd get away with it.
Male female double standards

HarrietVane99 · 29/10/2016 23:57

Harriet it's her parents!

Yes, her parents. Her invitation. Her guests. I assume he greets them when they arrive, since she doesn't say otherwise. But unless there"s something particular he or they have to talk about, I don't see why he has to stay in the room for the whole visit.

Perhaps he thinks op would like some time alone with her parents? Perhaps they spend all their time talking about people he doesn't know, or other subjects he can't join in? Or discussing details of Auntie Joan's operation, which he thinks is Auntie Joan's private business and not for him to know about?

OP, what do you and your parents talk about when they visit?

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/10/2016 00:31

My FIL does this when we go round. My MIL "entertains" us and he spends a little time with us then heads off. My DH wouldn't do it for a 2 hour visit, but if my DM was here for the day he might well. He tried once when his parents came to visit - I went up and told him I wasn't his hostess. I think it's pretty rude when people have come to see you, but my DM comes to see me and the DC, she's not as bothered about DH (not that she dislikes him, but she wouldn't visit him if he lived on his own). So I don't think it matters that he "escapes" then. I stay when his parents visit though, because I've been brought up to see it as rude to leave.

I do think in general women are socialised to be more hospitable to visitors than men are and to do much more of the emotional work in maintaining relationships and networks. It pays off when we're older, many men seem to regret that they don't have strong social circles once they are on their own. Women tend to have a less lonely old age.

Shiningexample · 30/10/2016 07:31

Ducking out of having your free time stolen by relatives whose company you don't enjoy...surely that's a life enhancing hack?

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