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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- overheard phone conversation

62 replies

babyface · 29/10/2016 13:15

Yesterday dd was on phone to her stepmmum discussing school disco when sm asked her if she would be 'allowed' to walk the 2 streets home alone after (finishing time 11.45pm). Dd is a small for her age 12 year old. It didn't happen but I'm still annoyed that it was thought appropriate. What do others think?

OP posts:

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 14:18

We're not in the UK so things often go on later

OP posts:

diddl · 29/10/2016 14:18

But you still don't know if the idea was your daughter's or her SMs.

Either way if she was staying with you it didn't matter what either of them thought as it was up to you.

How much say does she have in what your daughter does when she is seeing her dad?

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 14:23

I dropped her off to disco. Her dad (thankfully! !) Met her off the bus as it's 'his' weekend- but she wanted my help to get ready for her 1st disco. It was definitely step moms idea as I overheard the conversation.

OP posts:

NickiFury · 29/10/2016 14:27

Has she children of her own? She doesn't sound very clued up (am being polite here) I would be worried about future events to be honest. If she thinks that's ok for a 12 year old what will she think is ok for her when she gets older? Talk to her Dad.

diddl · 29/10/2016 14:42

Well as long as your daughter's dad has his head screwed on it should all be ok.

Is this the first time she's seemed to think that something is OK when it really isn't?

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 14:53

No we've had issues for year's :-( my 2 older ds went to our small local youth club and the leader knew to run things past me. Dd chose to go to big youth club in town. She is the only dc who still choses to spend time with her dad and sm. I and my dp are just going to reiterate to get that we are always at the end of the phone. Discussing any issues with her dad falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 29/10/2016 14:55

The SM only asked, she didn't impose her personal risk assessment onto your DD. She didn't then say "oh FFS how over protective" or anything.

Would I let my 12 year old do it? Impossible to say really as all areas are different. Probably not.

JoJoSM2 · 29/10/2016 14:58

So you listen in on DD's conversations and manage what she says to her SM? Sorry, you come across paranoid and controlling.

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 15:05

No just happened in on that 1!

OP posts:

Mynestisfullofempty · 29/10/2016 15:08

The SM only asked!

2kids2dogsnosense · 29/10/2016 15:14

!!!!!!!!

NickiFury · 29/10/2016 15:15

What utter crap jojo

Good thing you were listening into this one OP. And yes I DO listen into my 13 year old talking to his Dad because his Dad is an idiot who drinks too much and comes up with wild unsuitable plans that I end up having to manage.

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 15:29

I know exactly what you mean Niki!! Tho it has got easier to manage since my boys grew up and my dp moved in..

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 29/10/2016 15:34

Well it didn't happen and her Dad chose to meet her off the bus. You say everything 'falls on deaf ears' but he made the right decision off his own back. It's perfectly possible she was just musing on possibilities without thinking it through. The fact you're making such a big deal about something which didn't even happen and the rest of your children don't see him sets off alarm bells to me.

Would you be happy for him to criticise your parenting for something you didn't even do but only thought about? You're being really unfair, they must be walking on eggshells.

Original poster

babyface · 29/10/2016 15:41

I haven't made a big deal... just discussed it with dp and a few strangers on the internet ; -)

OP posts:

NickiFury · 29/10/2016 15:57

Oh you haven't at all OP. We all post here about things that stress us out or concern us and many on this thread agree they'd have concerns about this. I think that those that say you're overreacting or controlling are probably lucky enough to have fairly sensible other adults to co parent with. It's a whole different ball game when you don't and sometimes hard to explain.

SemiNormal · 29/10/2016 16:01

Would she have really been alone or would there have been a group of them walking back in that direction? I think that would make me consider it if it was only two streets away (that said how long is a 'street', I guess it varies widely).

Does SM have children of her own? I think pre-children lots of people think they would do/allow things that actually they wouldn't in reality, perhaps she just said it without thinking things through properly?

Is your dislike of SM just over this or is there background?

I don't think YABU to be a bit annoyed but I think you would be if you let it cause an argument.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/10/2016 16:02

The SM shouldn't be left making important decisions about whether a child should be walking back home alone at her age. I'd have a word with her Dad, and your DD and make sure that some ground rules are set up that you both agree with?

I'm speaking as a SM. I had the opposite, I had a situation where my resident DSD went to her mums house to babysit for her one evening - age 12. I phoned her to see when her Mum was getting home to drop her off, at midnight - but she was walking home alone!

Her mum had refused to drive her as she was 'too tired'... Needless to say I called DP to collect her.

golfbuggy · 29/10/2016 16:27

The parents of a child at DS's school thought that it was fine for their 12 year old DD to walk alone to school (about 10-15 minutes away) for a school trip leaving at 3am.

Which just goes to show that what you think is "common sense" really isn't necessarily so.

BillSykesDog · 29/10/2016 16:28

Well the fact that you're asking makes it appear that you are intending to do something about it and that it is potentially a big deal. Some of the replies on here are ridiculous too. Saying that you don't have a sensible adult to coparent with and SM shouldn't be allowed to make these decisions. Those statements completely ignore the fact that her father didn't let her walk home alone and her father also made the decision not the SM.

It didn't happen. It's a non-event. Even posting about it is much more of a big deal than it warrants. I could understand if they'd done it or you had to stop them, but that didn't happen. It's a bit of a thought crime really, and it's unfair to treat it as though they did it just because they thought about it. Do you always make the right decision on the spot? Do you never have to reflect a bit before doing the right thing? And they did do the right thing.

NickiFury · 29/10/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

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OutToGetYou · 29/10/2016 16:37

Yes, you're being unreasonable to assume the worst of the sm and not just discuss it calmly.

BillSykesDog · 29/10/2016 16:39

Nicki, if you can't see the difference between being cross with someone for something they've done and being cross with something they haven't done and only thought about then that's your problem.

Perhaps if I'd been cross with my husband for thinking about not putting the heating on but doing it anyway you might have a point. But you don't.

BillSykesDog · 29/10/2016 16:42

and weren't as abrasive and dismissive as you're being to this OP, but then It's no surprise as you're like it on pretty much every thread I see you on....except your own, obviously.

Oh the irony.

Can you point out exactly where you've got the idea that the father is not a sensible coparent because ultimately he agreed with the OP and did exactly as she wanted without being asked. You're just projecting your own problems onto this.

NickiFury · 29/10/2016 16:45

But that's just your opinion of this situation Bill. OP feels that there's something to worry about here and it is clear that there's other issues at play and there's a history because the OP said so. Telling her nothing happened and there's no need to even post about it because so insignificant just seems really dismissive and arrogant to me, who are you to decide that with the limited information given, much of which you seem to have ignored anyway.

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