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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want people in our room?

76 replies

AIlthingmeow · 28/10/2016 23:10

Recently moved back in with MIL as we were struggling to save for a house while renting so she suggested we moved back. We currently don't pay rent, only some money towards bills and food.

I came home today to find BIL and his girlfriend sat on our bed playing with the cat. I know when I went out I closed the bedroom door and I was the last one in there, DP was at work then straight out with his work mates and I was out with MIL so for the cat to even have got in there it means BIL or GF would have to have opened the door to go in there to start with.

This makes me incredibly uncomfortable, I barely know his girlfriend, she's actually quite nasty to me, but despite that neither her nor BIL have any reason to go into the room let alone be sat on our bed Confused

WIBU to say something to either MIL, BIL&GF or DP to stop them going in there when I'm not around again? At the end of the day it is MILs house, not mine, and k feel a bit weird telling her who can and cannot go into what rooms in her home but it also makes me uncomfortable to think they might be/have been in there and I have no idea.

I wouldn't have any problem if I was in there or at least known that they'd gone in, just not comfy with the idea of them being in there without my knowledge.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIlthingmeow · 29/10/2016 00:32

We have locks on the door but on the inside 🙄 I'm going to talk to DP when he gets home... or in the morning if j fall asleep haha!

OP posts:
TotallyOuting · 29/10/2016 00:38

I think I'd be more embarrassed than them. The very first time I met the girlfriend we was sat in the car (me, BIL and gf) whilst DP went into Argos and she started talking to BIL about an email she got from some sex toy specialist website.

This sounds a bit pathetic and attention-seeking tbh. I'm slightly embarrassed for her.

Original poster
AIlthingmeow · 29/10/2016 02:09

I was really embarrassed for her, I think she was only 25 at the time aswell Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
AIlthingmeow · 29/10/2016 02:09

15* not 25! Haha!

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 29/10/2016 05:28

I have no idea how I'd bring it up with anyone though

Why do so many people find it difficult to just be direct and frank?
I get told that my asd is responsible for me being so 'blunt'....but i don't think it is.

You6 know you closed the door...so the only way the cat got in there is because they^ opened the door!
I would be infuriated that someone invaded my privacy for no good reason.
My response would probably be along the lines of "yes, i can see you're playing with the cat.....but why in my room when i made sure the door was shut so it couldn't get in there?"
I've never felt mean/unreasonable when i've been forced to protect my personal space...they might not like it - but i guarantee it would be a different story if you did the same to them.

They may be used to a different kind of 'normal'....but they shouldn't just assume that you would be ok with it.

Just tell them straight - "guys.....can you stay out of my bedroom please?"
If they get funny about it or try making jokes at your expense to deflect away from themselves - look them straight in the eye and tell them "i have sex in that room - so unless you're some kind of pervert - stay out of it" Grin Grin

AgathaMystery · 29/10/2016 09:01

I think you missed the perfect opportunity when you caught them in there OP. There is no need to involve your DP surely? You can handle this!

reallyanotherone · 29/10/2016 09:17

I think some families work differently.

I have no problem anyone going into anyone elses room. Observing basic privacy of course, no going through stuff, borrowing without permission, knocking first to check for dress etc.

Everyone i live with is family. If they want to play with the cat in my room, that's fine. Or go in to collect laundry or something, no big deal. It's not like i don't trust them. It's their house too.

MrsA2015 · 29/10/2016 09:19

Just keep closing the door behind you everytime you leave the room they should eventually get the hint, if you find them in there again stand by the door and ask if they're looking for anything and wait with the door open till they get up and leave then close the door behind them. also ask Mil if you can install a lock?

chipsandpeas · 29/10/2016 09:29

maybe the conversation needs to come from your DP to his brother

2kids2dogsnosense · 29/10/2016 12:32

Ginger
Put a load of sex toys, whips and things strewn across the bed, if they pop in again they'll soon be running out

. . .or not Grin

annoyedofnorwich · 29/10/2016 14:00

Sorry hang on, you are cross they sat on your bed, but in the not too distant past you and dh have rooted through his room with your mil, found a box of their things and then your dh teased him about them?

Original poster
AIlthingmeow · 29/10/2016 14:24

I'm not annoyed they sat on my bed, I'm annoyed they went into our room when everyone else was out and the door was closed.

We didn't "root through" his room, he was told if it wasn't tidy by such and such day then me and MIL would have to do it as they were thinking of selling the house at the time and someone was coming over to value it. He chose not to tidy his room or at the very least hide away his sex toys and he said it was okay for us to tidy it as he couldn't be bothered. This was years ago though so hardly like anyone can turn around and say BIL gave us permission to be in his room one time 2 or 3 years ago to do the tidying he couldn't be arsed to do so he now ha every right to waltz in and out of my room as he please when I'm not around.

What my DP does with his brother doesn't then make it okay to make me uncomfy. Would you really say it's okay for someone to be in my room, with all my things, possibly personal things, just because my partner when he was 20 had a bit of banter with his 17 year old brother? Hmm

OP posts:
annoyedofnorwich · 29/10/2016 14:38

Not saying it's okay. Just seemed like double standards! Thought you said he's 19 so not that long ago though! Agree it's a tricky one- how to tell them to stay out without causing offence! Some sort of booby trap might get your point across!

Original poster
AIlthingmeow · 29/10/2016 16:26

Not at all I don't think. He gave permission for us to be in there and knew we're in there, I didn't give permission and probably wouldn't have ever know they were in there if I'd got home maybe an hour later.

Yeah, 2 years isn't that long ago but in relation to this is kind of is.

I spoke to them and just said I've started sorting Christmas stuff and I'd rather no one be going in there ruining the surprises(not actually true, barely even thought about Christmas yet but thought it would work) and I also do a lot of my work from home and I'd rather no one or any cats in there incase Ive left things lying about and whilst BIL was okay about it, his girlfriend said to him later, when she thought I couldn't hear, that the rooms not even mine so what right do I have.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 29/10/2016 16:33

Well done for saying something.

His girlfriend sounds ridiculous - ignore.

Eevee77 · 29/10/2016 17:24

The girlfriend sounds incredibly childish.

Just ignore and push through.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 29/10/2016 17:48

Is BIL's GF living there too? If not she's got less right to comment than any one.

carabos · 29/10/2016 18:02

You haven't landed your message. GF's response proves that. You need to find out why she wants to have access to your room - because she does, or restate your position and keep restating it until she gives you a response that shows she really gets it.

Almostfifty · 29/10/2016 18:53

See, if I'd heard GF's response, I would have gone straight over and said my piece, there and then, and that would be the finish of it.

Your room, your privacy.

ThatGingerOne · 29/10/2016 19:37

2kids I know, might make them stay apparently!

gleam · 29/10/2016 19:43

I'd be getting a lockable box for my room.

PopFizz · 29/10/2016 19:51

Has girlfriend been around longer than you? She is young (17? If she was 15 before?) And insecure, and jealous tbh. Shes playing at being a grown up and is being a bitch. Haul her arse into line if you need to, or else get a lock.

I would expect to find shes been in and riffled through a few things in the next few days though, to make a point after her last comment.

LynetteScavo · 29/10/2016 19:57

BIL obviously has different boundaries- he doesn't care about you going through his stuff, so doesn't realise you care about him being in your room. You are going to have to state to him what is obvious to you.

SenecaFalls · 29/10/2016 20:06

You are right to set them straight, OP. The fact that it is your MIL's house is immaterial, in my opinion. I don't even enter the rooms of house guests in my own house when they are not there.

cherrytree63 · 29/10/2016 20:51

I think bedrooms are very personal spaces and I'd be very upset in your situation.
I'd have to say something to the GF.
Then I'd leave several mousetraps set up, under the bed, in the drawers, make up bag.....

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