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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Friend has flipped out on me.

59 replies

user1473509591 · 27/10/2016 16:05

I actually do feel sorry for hI'm, but I'm stuck in the middle here so aibu to feel it's unfair that I'm getting the abuse?
Posted on here a few times about how dh hasn't worked for a while and it's a strain on us financially. I tell my friend and he says he's got places going at his work, it's not well paid and crap hours but it's a job. Before I even get a chance to run it past dh he's arranged an interview for him.
Now he has terrible anxiety when it comes to phone work. I knew he wouldn't like it, but he went to the interview anyway. Or, he tried. He got hopelessly lost, and eventually made his way home two hours late.
Friend got an earful from his manager and now he's fuming with us, saying it's the last time he'll ever help. I did try explaining to him that the job probably won't be suitable (it also clashes with my job hours) but we've felt so pressured into it and it made dh anxiety worse. I can understand his frustration and I've promised never to moan about dh not working again but tbh I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. I feel so torn in frustration about dh, wishing he would just do it, but I'm also upset that df has flipped out on me.
Aibu? I know you guys will tell me straight.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 27/10/2016 18:13

Seriously.

In two hours he couldn't have called to say he'd be late/was lost/wouldn't make it??

Dh is BU. On so many levels.

You're being a bit of a cow not to care thar your friend got in trouble in work.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 27/10/2016 18:17

He got hopelessly lost, and eventually made his way home two hours late.

I don't see what this has to do with anxiety? He should have let them know if he was going to be late/not attending the interview. I don't blame your friend for being annoyed.

If he didn't want the job why didn't you just tell your friend "thanks but no thanks"?

Mrskeats · 27/10/2016 18:19

Blimey the friend was a bit super keen but was trying to help
Your husband sounds as if he just doesn't want to work tbh-who gets lost these days?
Charge your phone for heavens sake and ring if you are running late. It's called bein an adult. Lots of us have anxiety but we have to carry on

WindPowerRanger · 27/10/2016 18:20

Your friend was presumptuous.
It does rather sound as though your DH either sabotaged himself or just flat-out didn't bother to go, doesn't it?
And while I can understand that, I think the minimum he should have done was 'phone to say he wouldn't be attending.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/10/2016 18:22

Your dh was BU. I doubt he really got 'lost'.

He needs to tackle his anxiety or lose your respect.

Your friend probably thinks your dh is lying.

FrancisCrawford · 27/10/2016 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2016 18:23

Frankly, if I were unemployed and my family was suffering as a result and someone offered me the chance of an interview I would be really grateful and would make sure I was there on time.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 18:25

Sounds like your DH doesn't want to work, tbh. If you can afford this, good on you, but it sounds like you can't.

MidsummersNight · 27/10/2016 18:26

My first impressions reading that was that your DH probably didn't get lost at all.

It's not hard to say "thanks for setting up the interview, but DH really wouldn't suit the role and he's not interested. Thanks though, we appreciate it"

YABU, you should both apologise to your friend for dicking him around & YY to the poster who said you both sound a bit wet.

myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 18:27

Yes, I think your DH should have contacted the company to tell them he would be late or unable to attend. I can understand why your friend is embarrassed and angry. However, I'm sympathetic to your DH, he sounds like he was overwhelmed. Unfortunately, you might have damaged the relationship with your friend but all you can do is apologise. I doubt your friend's position at work will be damaged in the long run. Hope your DH manages to find something better suited to him and perhaps gets some help for his anxiety.

Slarti · 27/10/2016 18:28

TheNaze

Classic male trait?

anotheronebitthedust · 27/10/2016 18:31

DH wbvu, even given his anxiety, for a) not cancelling interview if he didn't want it well in advance b) not planning route ahead of time, c) not charging his phone d) not letting the company know he'd be late e)not turning up at all and f) not apologising profusely to friend and company when he did eventually turn up home and hiding behind you

friend is also being U for arranging interview without asking (possibly he thought he was doing a nice thing, tbh I'm more inclined to agree with someone upthread that he gets some sort of payback for introducing someone to the company. However even if this was the case most people would assume that if someone didn't want the job they would let you know not halfheartedly try and turn up).

you yourself don't seem to be U, other than accepting DH's shitty excuse and taking abuse from dfriend for something that wasn't your fault. Can't be nice being stuck in the middle!

Original poster

user1473509591 · 27/10/2016 18:32

I had to take what dh said happened in good faith- I don't know otherwise, I wasn't there. I didn't even know his phone was low on battery, it is a bit shit and drains easily though so I can believe it conked out. In regards to checking where he was going beforehand, I'm not his mum, I don't feel like I should help him with that.
I am soft with him I'll admit, but he's quite scary when he's not happy. Sometimes it's easier to placate. Same with df, he has a short fuse, and I find it hard to talk to him if somethings wrong he cause he takes it personally.

But no I agree with everyone, even the cow comment. I'll take him over some wine with a proper apology, got to be better than a Facebook one.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/10/2016 18:35

Your friend will calm down. It's not worth ending a friendship over, just give it time and you may laugh about it in the future.

There are a lot of courier/delivery jobs around this time of year if dh doesn't like interacting with people?
....obviously he'll need to get a Satnav..

Dozer · 27/10/2016 18:37

He's "quite scary" when not happy?

Original poster

user1473509591 · 27/10/2016 18:38

He doesn't drive, I think that's why he got so lost. He had to get three buses to get there and it's not an area of the city he knows well.

The only good thing about this really is that he knows now that he has to get some sort of job. Funnily enough, faced with the prospect of a job he will hate, an interview for a role something more suitable has come up.

OP posts:

Dozer · 27/10/2016 18:38

YABU to suggest that your friend's actions "have made the anxiety worse". Your friend's actions were unhelpful, but your H had choices at every stage.

I have anxiety btw.

princesshaley · 27/10/2016 18:39

The only unreasonable thing I'm seeing here is your friend setting up an interview BEFORE you even got to check if your DH would be interested. That's crossing a line and isn't really fair. Ok, your DH not showing up isn't good, but it also sounds a bit OTT for your friend's manager to give him an earful about it too - all your friend did was suggest that he hire the man, it's hardly the friend's fault for him not turning up. If it was that important, perhaps your friend should have helped him figure out how to get there ahead of time??

notangelinajolie · 27/10/2016 18:42

Your friend is BVU and should not have arranged any interview without speaking to your DH first. The last thing you DH needs right now is someone (no matter how well meaning) interfering. He sounds like he is struggling and needs to get help for his anxiety and he also needs your love and support. I would be more concerned about my husband over worrying about my friends feelings/bosses reaction. You friend will understand.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 18:42

'I am soft with him I'll admit, but he's quite scary when he's not happy. Sometimes it's easier to placate. '

No, no it really isn't. Your partner has a short fuse, is 'scary' when he's not happy, doesn't want to work, doesn't drive, everything is always someone else's fault. Sounds like such a catch. NOT.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2016 18:44

Surely DH will be going round with the wine to the friend? Surely DH will be falling over himself to make sure your friendship isn't spoiled by his behaviour?

Or will you not even make that suggestion to DH in case he gets scary?

WombOfOnesOwn · 27/10/2016 18:46

Just wait until your husband gets a job and then "gets lost" or otherwise has a lame excuse for why he's been fired. Looks like you're dealing with a workshy loser who gets aggressive when you tell it like it is.

mickeysminnie · 27/10/2016 18:48

To be honest it sounds to me like your husband is full of excuses on an ongoing basis. And if you are continually moaning to your df about your dh not putting in any effort to get a job maybe he felt that your dh needed a bit of 'tough love'.
As for you now having no choice but to take those excuses 'in good faith'. It is no wonder your df is annoyed. He tried to help, undoubtedly in a cack handed way, and you and your dh made him look bad to his company.
A cynical part of me wonders was this a ploy by your dh to make sure there would be no more 'job opportunities' arising.

PuppyMonkey · 27/10/2016 18:49

I think as soon as you both realised the job wasn't going to be at all suitable you should have just told the friend straight away. So your DP thought it would be better to go to the interview knowing full well he wasn't going to take it, waste the company's time and possibly still make the friend look a bit of an idiot for recommending him?

myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 18:49

Oh dear, OP, a bit scary is not good. You shouldn't have to live like that.

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