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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- MIL using me as DHs receptionist.

37 replies

passmyglass · 26/10/2016 20:29

MIL messages me to tell me to tell DH she has sent him a message on FB Messenger. This gets right up my nose, for reasons I'm not sure I can explain. Is this something I really shouldn't be irritated by? Background: DH loves MIL but is not great at keeping in contact with his family- finds them all fairly over-talkative and over dramatic. MIL has v poor credit and thus can't get a phone contract, so calling DH is difficult for her... not that he usually answers when she does, as he just doesn't feel up to her.

OP posts:
quicklydecides · 26/10/2016 20:29

She's in your family now. Deal with it.

Original poster
passmyglass · 26/10/2016 20:35

But if she really acted like we were family, surely it would make more sense for her to message us both whatever the message was, rather than just keeping it a secret conversation between her and DH and just expecting me to make him aware she's communicating with him? Does that make sense

OP posts:
WilliamHerschel · 26/10/2016 20:37

I'd probably start ignoring her messages, or 'forgetting' to let dh know about them.

redexpat · 26/10/2016 21:19

I'd probably suggest that DH calls her once a week at a mutually convieniently time.

PNGirl · 26/10/2016 21:34

I know what you mean - there is an assumption there that because you're a woman you'll take on responsibility for communication. Like telling me it's my husband's aunt's birthday, or texting me to ask when his flight time is when he's working away knowing full well he's on a 3 contract with free use abroad!

lacktoastandtolerance · 26/10/2016 21:43

I suffer from this I get messages like "I sent a message to DD an hour ago but haven't heard back yet..."

If I receive a message genuinely to me I reply happily and in a very friendly manner. If it's a message about a message I ignore it completely.

tofutti · 26/10/2016 21:47

YANBU. Sounds like wifework.

Could DH get her a PAYG phone for Christmas credited with some money to start her off? She doesn't need good credit for that as no contract is required.

vitalite · 26/10/2016 21:47

I got messages like this from my mil when they were on their last holiday. "Can you ask DH to find out the footie score for fil". I texted back and suggested that she txt dh directly since he's at work and has a phone of his own Smile

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 26/10/2016 21:57

Sounds like a bit of a passive aggressive wind up....

Just to let you know she's still having private "chats" with her son.

I think I woul ignore.

AyeAmarok · 26/10/2016 22:03

Why can't she get a pay as you go?

Why can she message you?

AdoraBell · 26/10/2016 22:07

How does she message you? If FB then I would take a break from it, say a month, and make sure I keep in touch with friends and family in another way.

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 22:20

Hasn't MIL got a house phone?

Redken24 · 26/10/2016 22:26

how does she message you?

Redken24 · 26/10/2016 22:27

are you online a lot I mean ? Do you every reply on his behalf?

Sorry sent too quick

HanYOLO · 26/10/2016 22:28

Poor woman
I'd direct my irritation at DH rather than her, tell him to organise his arse and ring his mam

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2016 22:32

Is she doing it to let you know she's in contact with your DH or genuinely because she wants you to tell him? I handed off ll the 'wife work' to DH early on. I fil to see why I should remind him it's his sil's birthday or that he needs to get his mum a present for her birthday. His family, his job.

JoJoSM2 · 26/10/2016 22:41

It sounds a bit sad. I'd tell dh to keep in touch with her as it's a bit awkward for you at the minute.

Lesley1980 · 26/10/2016 23:11

I think she is just trying to have a relationship with her child & he doesn't care. She knows he doesn't ring back or answer her call so she contacts you in the hope you will tell him to contact her & her does because you told him.

im sure it's just a boring conversation rather than some huge secret

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 23:16

Meh, just treat her messages as noise to be politely ignored. He will get a FB message notification, if he's not responding that's because he chooses not to respond. I'm assuming there is a back story between him and his DM, best stay out of it.

ThatGingerOne · 26/10/2016 23:32

Just 'forget' to pass the message on, when she complains look confused and tell her you didn't realise you were your husbands PA Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2016 23:40

Tel him to grow up and get into the habit of calling her regularly, whether he feels like it or not.

Original poster
passmyglass · 27/10/2016 06:58

Thanks for all replies. I'm relieved it's not just me who thinks this is irksome. In answer to qs: she messages me on FB messenger. She does have a payg phone... but I guess doesn't use it because FB is "free" and it would be really uneconomical to call DH from it as she likes to waffle on with barely need for more than "hmm" and "uh-huh" occasionally from the other person for AGES... hence he's not that great at keeping in touch with her. I could tell him to call her more often, and have in the past, but he won't. Not on purpose exactly, but he works really long, stressful hours, and so either forgets or just can't face a marathon call with her. I don't push him on it because a) i totally don't blame him and b) i don't really feel like acting even more like his pa by nagging him about it- I don't feel it's good for our relationship! I don't expect their chats are especially exciting, I just feel irked that I'm excluded from them yet expected to facilitate them. I'm going to have to suck it up and say something upfront to her, aren't I? Drat.

OP posts:
Original poster
passmyglass · 27/10/2016 06:59

Oh and I'm not on FB constantly, but I have it on my phone, whereas DH barely looks at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
passmyglass · 27/10/2016 07:05

And no, I don't ever reply on his behalf (because I'm not party to the conversation) and she might have a house phone, but wouldn't use it to call us because we don't (one of my better decisions) so therefore it would be uneconomical for her to use it, due to the previously mentioned waffling on.

OP posts:
TataEs · 27/10/2016 07:12

my mil does this.
she sees no irony in starting a texting to me 'can u text dh....'