AIBU- MIL using me as DHs receptionist.

[passmyglass]

MIL messages me to tell me to tell DH she has sent him a message on FB Messenger. This gets right up my nose, for reasons I'm not sure I can explain. Is this something I really shouldn't be irritated by? Background: DH loves MIL but is not great at keeping in contact with his family- finds them all fairly over-talkative and over dramatic. MIL has v poor credit and thus can't get a phone contract, so calling DH is difficult for her... not that he usually answers when she does, as he just doesn't feel up to her.

I feel sorry for her. Wanting to talk (or even 'waffle') to her son is not exactly a crime. I get what people are saying about wifework, but just asking you to tell your DH that his mum wants to talk isn't exactly onerous. As often, I think this is a DH problem. He needs to check his own messages, reply, and probably call his mum more often. Or at the very least let her know what level of contact he wants so she isn't reduced to having to message you to get an answer from him.

It could be worse?

Ah well, one day she'll be dead and he won't have to put up with her waffle any more.

In the meantime, do you have DCs? Likely to? Sounds like she'll arrange her relationship with them through you. He'll be sidelined as 'Mr busy the breadwinner', whether that's actually true or not. Are you happy about that? Or do you think perhaps your DH ought to take some responsibility for maintaining links, making arrangements with his family?

If so, he needs to get over his rather juvenile self-absorption - recognise that needs trump wants and he's not the only person with either - and find a way to maintain a relationship with his own mother. I'd say regularity rather than frequency is key. If she can rely on him calling once a month or fortnight she won't feel the same need to chase in-between. Habit will make it easier for him too, less thought required.

Why don't you txt or message or email him copying her in.

I wouldn't discuss it with him.

Sounds like your H doesn't want much of a relationship with his M, his choice and his responsibility. You can either ignore MIL's messages or simply tell her you are not his secretary.

Yes we do have small dc, and yes she does message me about them, rather than him which I'm fine with, because I'm a sahm so don't really mind viewing that as part of my remit iyswim.

I think I might just install messenger on his phone and then tell her that I've done so, and therefore he can see messages himself... then if he doesn't reply she can hardly drag me into it again. I hope this is direct (as I really am fed up to the back teeth with it) yet not unkind- I do feel sorry for her, yet having heard their conversations I really understand his position too- the conversations really are epic and v one sided!

To be honest, it sounds like she would like a bit more of his attention.

Can you arrange a call between them once a week? Your DH could ring, avoiding the issue of the cost of the call, but he could keep it to 20-30 minutes by simply saying at the outset 'I've only got 20 minutes to speak, but how are you?' then later 'Mum, sorry to stop you there, I really have to go now as I'm late for x, y, and z. It's been great to chat - lovely to hear from you - are you around the same time next week?'

Epic, waffly conversations aren't the fault of one person alone - it's the other person's fault for not drawing appropriate boundaries.

Ignore her

This is the definition of wifework sadly and it's not your responsibility to facilitate the relationship.

Just ask her to call him directly in a nice, breezy way. Do you have much of a relationship with her yourself or is it just through your husband? Would it be an option to go and see her with the kids?

It's up to him to speak to his Mum. I do feel sorry for her though; she sounds lonely. I completely agree it's not your responsibility to facilitate his family relationships but he does sound rather selfish. I get that he is tired and works long hours. However he cannot seriously claim not to have 30 minutes spare once a week, to make time to talk to his Mum?

Unless he's planning to keep ignoring her and then waking up to the nasty shock one day when she's died, then crying lots of heartfelt tears at her funeral about how much he misses her, despite the fact he couldn't be bothered to make time for her when she was alive?

I don't have DC. But I imagine that being a Mother of adult children who are so terribly busy with their busy busy lives to speak to you once a week, must be dreadfully hurtful.

My DM isn't the easiest person to get along with. I still call her twice a week because I know that the calls mean something to her. And despite the fact that she can be difficult I know that one day she won't be here anymore - and I don't want to regret not having made time for her, and doing something very simple like a phone call on a regular basis, that made her happy.

If he's not good at picking up his messages then isn't it perfectly normal to text somebody you know is good at it to get them to ask? I've often done this- my sil is useless at phones so if she doesn't reply I'll text my brother or my nephew and get them to ask her........