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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably going to get slated but

53 replies

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 20:04

I'm very unhappy in my relationship. It's not so much that there's anything wrong, it's just very unfulfilling, stressful, and I know he feels it too. We're definately not connecting, despite long chats, attempts to change, date nights, even trying to spice things up in the bedroom for the past year.

I'm the breadwinner. He's a sahd while running a business, but would make nowhere near enough money to support himself on his own.
I would just about be able to support myself if I move out.
I'm not sure how to say this without it looking absolutely awful, but wibu for me to move out? He would get help financially if he lived in our home with our children. I know hes more than capable of looking after the children competently. But I feel it's taboo and wrong for children to live without their mum. I know my eldest would be more devastated with me living than if their dad left, our youngest would be too young to notice.
And I know I'm being too soft on my dp, he's more than capable of finding a job if he was forced into it (back story, I was forced into being breadwinner, he decided to quit his job to start this business without discussing it with me first so I've struggled financially for a long time and his sahd status just happened naturally as he wouldn't budge on getting his job back and I obviously had to work more) but I still care for him and don't want to see him pushed onto friends sofas because I want to end it.
I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling here but I don't know what to do. This is my first real relationship, even with casual relationships I was never good at ending it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 20:06

Just to clarify I don't mean taboo and wrong in the sense that living with mum is the only way, I mean I think I would be looked down on by friends and family, like ide abandoned my family, whereas it's more commonplace for the man to move out. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Owllady · 26/10/2016 20:09

I think you ought to seek some legal advice and some proper counselling for yourself before you make any rash decisions.

Undersmile · 26/10/2016 20:09

No, it does make sense. Women that leave are still vilified in a way men never are.
I hope you find something that works for you all Thanks

Dontpanicpyke · 26/10/2016 20:12

If you both know it's over then stop trying to rekindke and plan together what's best for the kids and yourselves going forward.

Can I just point out if he's a SAHD then he has a job so running a business means he has 2 jobs.

You would still have to contribute financially to your children and to him or help pay for childcare

Original poster
user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 20:13

I also feel I haven't made this clear.. I don't want to leave my children. I think that's why we've stayed like this for so long. I love them with all my being, and the idea of being away from them at all breaks my heart. But I'm so trapped in all this and I owe it to them to be happy aswell.
Argh I'm sorry, I just don't want people to think money is the only reason to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 20:15

Dontpanic I see what you mean. I do do my fair share of childcare though, I work 3 and a half days a week (three 12 hour shifts and a 6 hour shift) so I am home half the week and I resume my 'motherly' roles and the pattern would continue even if one of us left.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/10/2016 20:16

I don't see a man leaving as the same as a woman leaving. However you dress it up, it just isn't.

But as other people's reactions to it seem to bother you more than actually leaving your children OP, then carry on.

FWIW, if you don't love your DH and you have tried to fix it, there is nothing wrong with calling time on the relationship. His finances will be his issue and maybe then he will have to get his arse in gear and get a job. What he did would have really pissed me off. Have you factored maintainence in? You will have to pay him if you leave your children.

Nurszilla · 26/10/2016 20:18

Have you tried counselling together? Seems you are very frustrated that you are the breadwinner and that has not been addressed.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/10/2016 20:18

I didn't see your last 2 posts so I take back what I said.

Don't stay for their sake. Find a way to make it work, even if he leaves but has them while you are at work.

Nurszilla · 26/10/2016 20:18

And YANBU to leave if that's what you want.

RaingodswithZippos · 26/10/2016 20:21

I don't really understand why women get vilified for leaving. My DH was a single parent, brought his two boys up on his own for years and everyone thought he was a saint. He was just doing what single parents do - parenting - but his exW was really slated and slagged off. If he is a fab parent, and the children are happy, and it works for you, then it should make no more difference than if you were a man leaving your children with their mum. Why do we still judge women more harshly?

Owllady · 26/10/2016 20:29

Let's face it, women are judged more harshly for everything

category12 · 26/10/2016 20:48

I don't think you should leave your dc because you feel guilty about splitting or because he currently isn't supporting himself. I would take them with me, or ask him to leave, or if you can be amicable live separately (dividing finance and all that officially)in the same house (not ideal, just temporarily).

pigsDOfly · 26/10/2016 20:51

A women leaving the family home and having the DCs with them on certain days of the week is vastly different from a woman walking out of the family home and abandoning her children. Surely it's only woman who completely abandon their children who are vilified in the way you mean. That's not what you're planning if I'm reading your post correctly.

It sounds as if your relationship has run its course and maybe he'd be prepared to be the one to leave. Unless and until you discuss it with him you won't know how he feels.

Giving up his job without talking to you about it and putting you into the position of being the only real bread winner is pretty unacceptable imo. I'm not sure it's your responsibility to keep him because he doesn't want to get a job, that would make me very resentful , in your shoes.

You need to get yourself some legal advice before doing anything further and definitely before moving out of the family home.

artiface · 26/10/2016 20:53

If its not that theres anything wrong, have you tried talking to Relate? Sometimes when its just us and our own thoughts going round and round we can't see there may be other ways to view things - just a thought before you reach the point of no (or very difficult) return. You say things are stressful, maybe you're competing to be the most stressed?

Bogeyface · 26/10/2016 20:56

What about renting a flat?

The kids stay at home, he is there 3.5 days a week and you are there the other 3.5. That way it is shared 50/50 care, as it should be, and the kids have the stability of their home.

It would make a divorce slightly more complicated admittedly, but I think it would be better all round.

SundayGirl86 · 26/10/2016 20:57

Why would it have to be so drastic? Have you considered 50/50? It sounds like your shift pattern would support that. Why not talk to him, go to mediation maybe and work out a way to leave that suits you both and doesn't leave anyone without a home. I agree that the father has as much right to be the main carer as a mother but as you have clearly stated you don't want to leave your children then 50/50 might be the way forward. Good luck.

Bluebolt · 26/10/2016 21:05

It is interesting the dynamics and emotive words, men leave the relationship whereas women leave their children. With more men behind SAHD the automatic stance that women are default parent has changed. Can you look at joint custody, working a compressed week will help.

GloriaGaynor · 26/10/2016 21:06

Even though you don't mean it that way your children will take it as an abandonment of them.

I would try to figure out a 50:50 arrangement as others have suggested.

I don't think you should let your husband call all the shots. They're your kids too.

GloriaGaynor · 26/10/2016 21:08

leave the relationship whereas women leave their children

Children interpret whoever leaves as leaving them.

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2016 21:10

Can you get child re for the days you work and he leaves? Is there a good reason he's a sahd? Why does he not work, as it sounds like his business isn't generating money.

GloriaGaynor · 26/10/2016 21:13

If it's not making money it's not really a business it's an indulgence.

You're working because he won't, I don't think he should get the kids as well.

mugginsalert · 26/10/2016 21:15

If you were talking to a friend in your situation, what would you advise them? Because what you are proposing sounds very unfair to you. He has, without consultation, dropped the family income and assumed you will cover the shortfall. Things have become very tough and you feel trapped. Your solution is that he should have your home and kids and receive help, while you move out? I agree with pp that you need to take advice and perhaps counselling to be really clear what you want and also deserve.

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 21:18

I don't want to leave my children
Why does it have to be you that leaves?

Is it that you feel too guilty about asking him to leave or is it that you couldn't cope with looking after the children and working at the same time?

KayTee87 · 26/10/2016 21:19

What about renting a flat?

The kids stay at home, he is there 3.5 days a week and you are there the other 3.5. That way it is shared 50/50 care, as it should be, and the kids have the stability of their home.

^if you were able to remain amicable then this would be a good idea and much much better for your children. In an ideal world on 'handover day' your kids could even spend dinner time with both of you so they can continue a healthy relationship with you both.

My parents broke up when I was 15 and it was not pretty at all. It had a profound effect on me, mainly due to the fact they absolutely hated each other by the end and argued in front of me constantly. Don't let it get to this stage.

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