Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I'm probably going to get slated but

53 replies

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 20:04

I'm very unhappy in my relationship. It's not so much that there's anything wrong, it's just very unfulfilling, stressful, and I know he feels it too. We're definately not connecting, despite long chats, attempts to change, date nights, even trying to spice things up in the bedroom for the past year.

I'm the breadwinner. He's a sahd while running a business, but would make nowhere near enough money to support himself on his own.
I would just about be able to support myself if I move out.
I'm not sure how to say this without it looking absolutely awful, but wibu for me to move out? He would get help financially if he lived in our home with our children. I know hes more than capable of looking after the children competently. But I feel it's taboo and wrong for children to live without their mum. I know my eldest would be more devastated with me living than if their dad left, our youngest would be too young to notice.
And I know I'm being too soft on my dp, he's more than capable of finding a job if he was forced into it (back story, I was forced into being breadwinner, he decided to quit his job to start this business without discussing it with me first so I've struggled financially for a long time and his sahd status just happened naturally as he wouldn't budge on getting his job back and I obviously had to work more) but I still care for him and don't want to see him pushed onto friends sofas because I want to end it.
I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling here but I don't know what to do. This is my first real relationship, even with casual relationships I was never good at ending it.

OP posts:

WankersHacksandThieves · 26/10/2016 21:40

At the end of the day, how you all feel emotionally is more important. Don't feel you have to leave because a grown adult who is capable of earning and supporting his children relies on you - I'd say that no matter what the genders involved. You need to find out if he want's to be a lone parent with 24/7 responsibility for a start.

Don't make arrangements around what is most convenient rather than considering what's best for everybody.

Kokosjumping · 26/10/2016 21:41

don't see a man leaving as the same as a woman leaving. However you dress it up, it just isn't.

Why?

FlyAwayFar · 26/10/2016 22:22

And I know I'm being too soft on my dp, he's more than capable of finding a job if he was forced into it (back story, I was forced into being breadwinner, he decided to quit his job to start this business without discussing it with me first so I've struggled financially for a long time and his sahd status just happened naturally as he wouldn't budge on getting his job back and I obviously had to work more)

You've been hugely tolerant of him. He doesn't sound like he pulls his weight at all - either by earning for the family, or caring for it. You earn all the family income, plus do at least half the childcare -- and the "wife work," I'll bet.

Dragongirl10 · 26/10/2016 22:25

l think you would be mad to leave your Dcs and they would be devastated, why not get him to leave and get a full time job?

let him step up and earn money, get a flat and you share childcare, and fill any gaps jointly with nursery.

Why are you willing to give up living with your Dcs because he is too lazy to get a properly paying job?

notangelinajolie · 26/10/2016 22:28

I don't want to leave my children.

Then don't. This says it all. Leave. Take them with you. What is the point in staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy. Your husband needs to know how you feel. It is over and you need to tell him.

HeavenlyEyes · 26/10/2016 22:37

No I don't think you should leave - he should. This cocklodger of a man will claim child maintenance off you if you leave I bet. Make him go.

Original poster

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 22:43

Flyaway actually he does the majority of the housework. It's both his best and worst quality- he likes things 'just so', whereas I'm rather.. laid back about housework. He pulls his weight in that way. I make myself feel slightly better about the work situation by convincing myself of the perks of a live in cleaner 😂 (tongue in cheek)

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 22:47

He doesn't sound like he pulls his weight at all

Well... Apart from looking after the kids full time while the op works.

Why are you willing to give up living with your Dcs because he is too lazy to get a properly paying job?

Wow, could you imagine saying this
if the op was a man wanting to leave his sahm partner?

No I don't think you should leave - he should. This cocklodger of a man will claim child maintenance off you if you leave I bet.

Oh how inconsiderate of him to ask for money towards raising the children from their mother

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 22:51

Yanbu op by all means separate if you are unhappy, I think a 50/50 living arrangement might be better though.

I'm seriously surprised by some of the replies on here

manicinsomniac · 26/10/2016 22:54

I've only ever been a single parent so can't imagine how hard the decision must be in reality but, my best attempt at fairness would beL

*If a marriage is breaking down due to the fault of one partner then that partner should be the one to step out of the family.
*If a marriage is breaking down due to natural shelf life or mutual difficulties then the one who decides to leave should be the one to leave on their own.

I don't really get why it's usually the woman who is seen as having more of a right to 'keep' the children. People are saying 'oh, you don't want to leave the kids? Then don't, leave and take them with you' as if it will be somehow less hurtful for her husband to be without them. Maybe it will, I don't know - as I said I've never had a partner so not sure what the balance will be like - but I can't actually see a reason why it would.

CocoaX · 26/10/2016 22:58

Do you find the 'just so' stressful? I mean, does it feel like your space? Do the DC have space and freedom to be not so 'just so'?

I do agree that a business not making money is an indulgence; having the house just how he likes it seems to be a bit self-indulgent when there are others living there.

ollieplimsoles, I think the issue is that the OP did not choose this division of labour - her husband did.

Original poster

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 23:01

Manic this is exactly why it's such a hard decision to make - he would be utterly devastated to be separated from the kids too. For all his faults as a husband, he's an excellent father. They're just as much his reasons for getting up in the morning as mine. I'm not sure if either of us could cope being away from them for any extended period of time. As our childcare is naturally pretty 50/50 as it is (as he spends my days off working on his business) he is just as devoted as me. This is why it's such a difficult decision. It's not really about money, that's the practical side of me thinking, I can't bare the thought of separating him from his children, and nor me. I know that we will both get used to it if we were to split, and maybe it's my anxiety talking, but right now it's feels impossible. We're a close family, except for the fact that we're not in love. Or at least, I'm not.

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 23:01

Well yes but I still think some of the posts on here are overly harsh and wouldn't be said about a sahm in his situation.

He isn't a 'cocklodger' at all, he's a sahd... To the op's children.

ollieplimsoles · 26/10/2016 23:03

Have you been to any counselling together op?

ENormaSnob · 26/10/2016 23:08

His is a sahd by default.

The op was pushed into being breadwinner.

And is now set to move from her home and kids to also appease him?

Hell no op.

Mintychoc1 · 26/10/2016 23:17

Out of curiosity OP, have you met someone else?

Fififerry1 · 26/10/2016 23:27

Don't move out and establish a status quo where he is seen as the resident parent or you will never start from an even playing field. And don't label him as the SAHD. He does child care while you work, you do child care while he works. The difference is he doesn't earn any money for his efforts which puts a massive strain on you.
You need to be up front, tell him that you want to separate and then try mediation to sort out an arrangement that works for both of you and the children. And unfortunately mother's who leave affect the children's self esteem and their relationship with their children more than a father leaving ever does.

BubbleGumBubble · 26/10/2016 23:30

I left the family home and my DC.

ExDH's family slaughtered me for it.

I wanted a fresh start and to do that i had to move back in with my parents for a few months until i found a new family home.
I had regular contact with DC and exdh was great and we parent together.

I did not want to uproot or unsettle my children more than i had to. Once i found a new home we decided on 50 50.
That was 2 years ago and the DC have settled very well.

I put the needs of my children before my own yet i was called a terrible mother because i chose to leave them in thier home with a parent who adores them for a short time.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/10/2016 23:31

user As the main breadwinner, is it possible you feel a little disconnected from the family/children? Would you be happier if you had a bit more involvement in the childrens' day to day lives?

I fucking hate 'traditional' roles, but I do think women are often made to feel 'guilty' if they go out to work and leave the kids with their DP. Men don't suffer this - they are being 'providers'. Women earn the main wage and they get treated as 'selfish', with a 'poor DH' attitude to the man doing what the woman usually does. No-one says 'poor wife' when the DH is doing the 9-5! You are doing the best for your children. Focus on that.

BubbleGumBubble · 26/10/2016 23:32

And unfortunately mother's who leave affect the children's self esteem and their relationship with their children more than a father leaving ever does.

Oh is this a proven fact?
Care to share your sources?

roundaboutthetown · 26/10/2016 23:39

So he is working on his business for half the week and you work the other half of the week. By SAHD, do you actually mean, as yet unsuccessful businessman who runs his new business from home?... And are you really planning to move out of the family home and find somewhere too small for the children ever to live with you again, even for part of the week or in school holidays, etc? I'm not convinced you'd be happy with that arrangement in the long term, TBH. When and how would you be planning to see your children? When he lets you come round?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 26/10/2016 23:49

You say you would just be able to manage financially to support yourself if you left. You don't seem to have factored in the fact that you would have to pay maintenance for the children and possibly your husband.

Given that the main stress on the relationship seems to be financial, have you talked to him about, say, getting a part time job whilst he builds up his business to ease the strain and put less responsibility on you?

Original poster

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 23:50

See this is why mn is great, so many things I didn't even think about, even from seeking legal advice first. I guess my head is just all over the place at the moment.

And no, there's no one else involved. I don't even know how to flirt let alone have an affair 😂

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2016 00:09

DH and I were talking about separating (we're not going to, I don't think...God life and marriage is so much harder than we thought, eh?) and the plan was as some have mentioned, to get an apartment and take turns staying in it. My basic thought was I'd stay in the house during the week because I childmind in it, and he'd stay in the apartment. Then he'd come over and we'd do something together with the kids on Saturday, then I'd leave and come back Monday morning.

I think that sort of arrangement can work until one of you meets someone else, really.

Anyway. I think 50/50 would be the way forward here, OP. Good luck.

Flyingbellycopters · 27/10/2016 00:38

I don't understand how if you work half the week and look after kids half the week and your OH does the same how he is SAHD? You're already doing 50:50 childcare though depending on when you work / how weekend work and school pick ups etc it may not be an even split over the week. Time to have conversation on how unhappy you are and if counselling not an option you work out who is going to get another house and continue to do 50:50 with children just no longer together. If his wages from his business not enough then it's up to him to sort out on those additional days when kids at school or nursery when he has them.
Your days are long (NHS?) but be pleased that by having your hours compressed you can genuinely split the week between you both which means no maintenance on either side.
If it wasn't joint decision of him to give up work to look after children and be a SAHD then he's not a SAHD he's someone who chose to give up his work to start his own business.

Flip

1 2 3