AIBU to say NO to bringing DD to DF's 60th birthday ball?

[goneHaywire]

Hi all
DF is having a masked ball for his 60th birthday and my parents 35th anniversary (they got married on his bday). DF has recently demanded that "DD is coming".

DD is 4yrs old, at the moment is not interested in being out past bedtime and has cerebral Palsy so if she doesn't get adequate sleep she cannot control her body the next day. So my initial reaction was "No she's not!"

To which he said "I want when I look back at my pictures to see my grand daughter there"

Now he's suggesting that he'll book a room at the hotel where the event is being held, for dd to go and sleep - because he doesn't get on with my DH, DF doesn't want him anywhere near the party so he says to have one of my aunts watch her and not her own dad!

AIBU to still not be keen on this??

No.

It sounds like he wants to show her off and be the doting Grandpa in photos, but he's not acting like one, so sod him.

If it was a family party and an important birthday (both of which it is) then I'd make the effort to take my DD and staying in the hotel seems a good way to manage that. I appreciate a late night isn't ideal but it is a very rare occurence.
As for your DH not being allowed to look after his own child, and presumably not being invited to the party, that seems completely bizarre so what is the backstory to that?

Could she come to the hotel before the party starts? For pictures and a cake?

I assume your df isn't being too U in disliking your dh since you put up with it.

I don't think it's wrong for him to want to see his gd on his birthday, tbh.

I think there is a lot going on here that we don't know about it.

I started reading the post thinking his request was reasonable. I could understand he would want family photos with his granddaughter at a milestone family event. I thought you were being awkward, you could book a room, let DD make a token 30 minute appearance and then take turns minding her or use a baby monitor.

Then I read a bit further and discover your dad appears to be a bat shit crazy control freak. He is insisting you and DD are there but will not allow your DH 'anyway near the party' and has bumped your aunt from party guest to baby sitter.

What is going on here? Is there something awful about your DH that you haven't told us? Is he not fit to be seen in decent company? If not, why are you allowing your dad to behave in such an autocratic fashion? Why are you not saying 'Dad, he is my husband and DDs Dad, you can have us as a family or not at all'.

If he wanted children in the pictures he should have planned an event suitable for children to attend.

Now he's suggesting that he'll book a room at the hotel where the event is being held, for dd to go and sleep - because he doesn't get on with my DH, DF doesn't want him anywhere near the party so he says to have one of my aunts watch her and not her own dad!

Your DF can fuck his party just for that.

No advice, but it all sounds very posh :)

I agree that there must be a lot more of a backstory to this situation.

I assume there is massive back story but even without it, of course YANBU. Your DF sounds like a twat.

He sounds a very unpleasant individual, I wonder why your DH & him don't get along...
You're an adult, tell him no.

We don't know that the event isn't suitable tbh. The last big family party we had, the adults had the equivalent of a ball and the DCs were in an adjacent room with space to play, a sweet stall, etc.

I was going to say YABU as a 4 year old could attend for a short while. Then I read a bit further and realised YANBU.
Okay a room for your DD to sleep in should be alright but not with an aunt babysitting.
You and your DH should both be at the party and if he's not invited then none of you go.

Your poor DD has Cerebal Palsy your not so dear Father can go sod himself!

2 of our 5DC are disabled and there's no way I'd put them through something that would leave them struggling and maybe in pain the next day.

For anyone who says you should take her obviously has no idea what it's like to be disabled with such a debilitating illness!
I'm disabled myself now and my illness is very debilitating and now there's no way I'd put myself through something I know could affect my health so badly so there's no way I'd put a 4 year old child with a debilitating disabilitie through it!

Agree his reason for wanting your daughter there is all about him and wanting her in his photos for HIM to look back on.
I wouldn't go to an extended family event if my husband wasn't invited as well any way.
"Thanks for the invite but it's not convenient. Have a lovely evening"

My children wouldn't sleep well in a strange hotel room with no parents easily available, so clearly that isn't the answer. I agree with everyone else, if he really wanted your daughter there he would have the party at a time she could manage, and anyway he shouldn't exclude your husband.

if my dh wasn't welcome, i wouldn't go tbh.

but also the blatant inconsideration for your dd's welfare is staggering. it's all about him isn't it?

I think the op said it was unsuitable because it was in the evening.
I wouldn't take ds who is disabled to an evening event because he doesn't cope beyond normal bedtime.

Why would you even consider colluding with him in this treatment of your husband and daughter?

Why isn't DH welcome?!?

At first I thought you were be slightly unreasonable, but then I read your child has SN, your DH is not invited. Your DF is be UR. Take her over in the day, have some photos take her home to be with her dad. Then you go & have a great time with your dad.
I don't agree with your father re: DH but we don't know the back story so don't want to judge. He is your father so if you want to go, go.

It's your dad's 60th so for that reason I would probably go (normally would say if husband not inited then I wouldn't go) but it's either his daughter, or your family. There would be no picking and choosing who is not invited and who will be there. Either I would go alone, or say granddaughter can come with her dad, and you will stay in the hotel so she can go to bed

I would put it across as "Thankyou we will accept your offer of a room for the night so that DD can sleep" if he is insisting she be there then he can pay!

Obviously Yanbu. As your small child will be in physical difficulty the next day if she goes, that takes priority over everything and any suggestion of compromise or similar is moot.

Bring a cardboard cutout of your DD for the photos.

YWBU to bring her. Though actually if I were you I wouldn't go at all, given that your DH isn't invited.

What dinosaur said.
My colleague wanted her grandchildren at her party so it started at teatime and the grown ups carried on with an evening party later after they had gone to bed.

Your husband is being treated shabbily. Surely you won't go without him, irrespective of whether you allow your disabled daughter to be offloaded on to your (willing?) aunt.