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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DH

56 replies

PolarBearLover14 · 25/10/2016 19:56

Ok, my son is 2. He has recently started refusing to hug or be cuddly with my DH (his dad) at all.
(He is very cuddly with his grandparents when we see them, just not his dad.)
It has been upsetting my DH and tonight after a crappy day at work, he just wanted a hug from his son and he absolutely refused.
When I was getting DS into his Pyjamas, I asked him to give his dad a hug goodnight and he screamed no and clung to me so DH went away upset and I said to son, look daddy is upset, he's gone now and son went "yay!" really loudly so DH could hear.
I have no idea why DS is behaving like this other than to think that maybe it's cos his dad doesn't normally do a lot of the 'cuddly stuff' he's more of the 'wind them up and chase them around the house so they're hyper before bed' kind of dad and I'm definitely the cuddly kind of parent but it's really upsetting DH.
This evening I can understand why he's upset but DH has now gone up to his friend's house (he had to go anyway so it's not spur of the moment) and I know he's upset but I feel he's upset with me too, like he thinks I want DS to be that way. :-(
AIBU to be upset at DH being upset at me...?
And what can I do about DS behaviour?

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 25/10/2016 20:42

Do you think it's a power thing ? Maybe the answer is for you to leave them on their own their own and let them bond.

It's easier said than done, but I think you and your husband should nt let your son know how his behaviour upsets your husband

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2016 20:47

I think it's ok for your dh to feel upset, nothing you've posted suggests he blames you so I wouldn't try and turn this into I''m upset that your upset. It's just a phase DS1 went through this when he was the same.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/10/2016 20:52

I don't like the sound of this. A two year old wouldn't do this unless there was a good reason.

Topseyt · 25/10/2016 20:58

Is telling your two year old "Daddy is upset and he has gone now" just confirming that the behaviour has brought the reaction he was hoping it would?

What did you do when he shouted "Yay"?

I would be inclined to be a lot sharper, telling him that his behaviour was not nice and not acceptable, telling him that I did not like it either. I certainly wouldn't be giving him cuddles or anything if he behaved like that. He would go to bed without.

Gottagetmoving · 25/10/2016 20:59

Your DS will refuse the cuddles the more your DH tries to have one. I would not ask for any for a while until DS 'forgets' he doesn't want them. It could be your ds has discovered he can affect your dh by refusing....a sort of power thing.
It is just a phase ds is going through. Ask your dh to ignore it. Do leave them alone as pp suggested but your Dh should just play games with him etc and wait for your ds to come to him for a cuddle rather than the other way round.

peppermac · 25/10/2016 21:03

My 2 year old ds3 does this with ds2 he runs away saying no no no! And sometimes won't kiss me. I just say he's being contrary!

RiverTam · 25/10/2016 21:05

It could just be a phase but both you and your DH need to be adults here and know not to take this kind of thing personally. Please don't make your DS responsible for his father's emotions.

gttob · 25/10/2016 21:07

My dd used to lie on the floor kicking the radiator and screaming I want my daddy every time he left the house! Would hit me on the way to meet him off the bus every evening and yeah daddy's home.

Now we are very close, she's a wonderful girl. It was a phase that just passed.

One suggestion can you go out and leave them alone for an hour so he has to be with daddy?

Lalunya85 · 25/10/2016 21:10

This is a classic! Oedipus.

My ds went through a phase like that. First rejecting his dad, then a while later rejecting me (when I had his baby sister). I think it's normal for them to play around with their attachments this way. Your dh shouldn't take it personally and shouldn't show ds that it upsets him. Keep offering the cuddles though. He will eventually come back to wanting his dad. Your son is still a baby in so many ways, there's no meanness in what he is doing.

And I agree with pp that you should create as many opportunities for dh and your ds to have time alone together. Let them bond in their own way.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 25/10/2016 21:11

little monkey!

It will change, it's probably turned in to a game now. Dd2 (3) was/is bloody mean to Dh in the mornings. Tell your Dh to not take offence - he is two.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 25/10/2016 21:11

Agree with Gotta, at the moment it's a game, doubt he understands Dad's upset and he should be able to refuse cuddles as no big deal. Understandably upsetting for your DH, but am sure your son still loves him and will be back to big hugs in no time if its not made into a big deal.

Topseyt · 25/10/2016 21:12

QuiteLikely5, children go through all sorts of phases when growing up and preferences for one parent, grandparent or another change with the wind without there ever being a discernible reason.

My 3 were all like that. There was no sinister reason for it and no big deal.

IzzyIsBusy · 25/10/2016 21:12

I don't like the sound of this. A two year old wouldn't do this unless there was a good reason.

Erm how about hes 2.
DDT2 went through this stage with her dad. It did not last long and although he was upset he didnt push it he just used to give me a hug and a kiss instead. She soon stopped. I could never pin down why but i think it had something to do with him working all day and not being there.
Its different with GP as it is quickly understood they dont live there but parents do. One is there all day and one isnt.
I used to encourage the DC to talk to daddy during the day on his break it seemed to help.
DT2 is now 9 and could not adore him more.

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2016 21:13

Don't be silly QuiteLikely5 it's a very common behaviour ridiculous to suggest something more sinister is going on the basis of the OP

TathitiPete · 25/10/2016 21:14

To the posters saying it's a phase; may I ask how long a phase it's expected to be? My DD can very often be like this with me and it's been going on for a while now.

MrsDc7 · 25/10/2016 21:16

My eldest is still sometimes like this and he's 4. He was awful when he was 2. My other DC is all over DH all the time though - so weird how different they are. I think it became a game when he was younger and then turned into a 'thing' if you know what I mean. It's hard but you'll just have to ride the storm and ignore xx

CheshireSplat · 25/10/2016 21:16

I feel for your DH. DD2 (2) is exactly like this with me at the moment. She just doesn't want me. She can be in my arms screaming for my DH who is standing next to me.

DD1 went through the same thing si with mine it is just a phase but it's so hard to be the grown-up.

Quite your comment upset me a bit. There's no reason for my DD2 to be doing this except that she's 2 .

EllaHen · 25/10/2016 21:16

Ah, the old divide and conquer tactic. Well employed wee one.

It's a phase. Allow dh his hurt. Allow ds autonomy over who he hugs.

All will be fine. Don't overthink it.

NerrSnerr · 25/10/2016 21:17

We've just been through this with our 2 year old. She is over it for now thank goodness!

QuiteLikely5 · 25/10/2016 21:17

Ahem I've got plenty children of my own and as a one off yes but not as a permanent behaviour.

Just my humble opinion

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2016 21:18

Not sure how long DS did it for probably on and off for several months. Every time dh walked into a room he would say "can you go away please"

PenelopeChipShop · 25/10/2016 21:20

Mine was like this and it is so hard but I agree it's probably to do with just not seeing him as often and, as you say, his influence being more playful than cuddly/nurturing when he Is around.

Children that little are still trying to work out the 'rules' of the world and this is just a way to test his own power and see how you both respond. Also fwiw I really don't believe in encouraging children to show physical affection if they don't want to give it freely, even to a parent, but thats just my opinion.

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2016 21:20

The child is only 2 and the OP said it's only recent behaviour that hardly qualifies as permanent.

Topseyt · 25/10/2016 21:22

TathitiPete, my DDs were all Daddy's girls when they were toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Fine with me during the week (was a SAHM when they were small) at home, but all over Daddy like a rash when he came in from work and at weekends.

I couldn't put a timespan on it. That is like asking how long is a piece of string. It is still a phase though, even if it goes on for months or years. You will look back eventually and realise that the wheel has come full circle and things have changed.

LordPeterWimsey · 25/10/2016 21:23

Mine did this for what felt like ages (though was actually about six months) either side of her second birthday. I'm the WOHP, DH is at home, and we moved house when DD was 20 months, at a time when I was working very long hours. I was stressed, knackered and coming home to chaos because we had a house full of workmen for months.

I found it really upsetting, and I had a thread on here under another name asking if I should just give up and leave home since I wasn't any use to anyone except financially. But it passed - DD is six now and still goes through phases of preferring one of us to the other, but it's never been that bad again.

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