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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DH

56 replies

PolarBearLover14 · 25/10/2016 19:56

Ok, my son is 2. He has recently started refusing to hug or be cuddly with my DH (his dad) at all.
(He is very cuddly with his grandparents when we see them, just not his dad.)
It has been upsetting my DH and tonight after a crappy day at work, he just wanted a hug from his son and he absolutely refused.
When I was getting DS into his Pyjamas, I asked him to give his dad a hug goodnight and he screamed no and clung to me so DH went away upset and I said to son, look daddy is upset, he's gone now and son went "yay!" really loudly so DH could hear.
I have no idea why DS is behaving like this other than to think that maybe it's cos his dad doesn't normally do a lot of the 'cuddly stuff' he's more of the 'wind them up and chase them around the house so they're hyper before bed' kind of dad and I'm definitely the cuddly kind of parent but it's really upsetting DH.
This evening I can understand why he's upset but DH has now gone up to his friend's house (he had to go anyway so it's not spur of the moment) and I know he's upset but I feel he's upset with me too, like he thinks I want DS to be that way. :-(
AIBU to be upset at DH being upset at me...?
And what can I do about DS behaviour?

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 25/10/2016 21:23

It's just about control really. Toddlers have very little control over most things so peeing, pooping, not sleeping, refusing to eat and withholding Cuddles are their only weapons against us!

WussyWat · 25/10/2016 21:23

I'm a firm believer in letting children decide what to do with their bodies, and not forcing them to kiss or cuddle someone when they don't want to. It just teaches them that it's OK for people to not respect their boundaries. Forcing the issue will make it worse. Yes it's frustrating, often hurtful, when your own child won't hug you but he's 2, don't take it personally don't all kids go through a preferring one parent phase? My DS is 22mo and screams if DD so much as goes near him. Instead of forcing it she plays when he approaches her and moves away when he isn't happy. No big deal, I'm sure it'll change.

DH shouldn't be relying on his 2yo to make him feel better or letting him upset him so much, it's not healthy for either of them.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2016 21:24

Nobody has to give hugs if they don't want to.

CheshireSplat · 25/10/2016 21:24

Sorry OP, I didn't answer the AIBU because I was feeling annoyed with *Quite's comment rather than answering this OP .

Sorry, yes you are a little as your DH is probably a bit upset, which is natural from my experience. (This is YABU in the nicest possible way!!) Maybe just tell him you've done some digging on line and it seems really normal and it must feel rubbish.

ThereIsNoFelange · 25/10/2016 21:24

My DD (nearly 2) has been doing this for the past two weeks. Vastly favouring her dad over me. This morning she wouldn't even let me pick her up out of her cot.

Last month, DH was firmly out of favour, and i was the favourite.

It stings. But you just need to grin and bear it. I think...hope...they are just normal wee phases.

LottieDoubtie · 25/10/2016 21:25

Well I'm glad the consensus is against you quitelikely

My 2 year old does this to me at nursery pick up rams me out of the way to get to DH or just looks miserable if it's me on my own. Today he shouted 'bus home' and had a tantrum when I had to tell him we were going in the car.

45 mins later at home he was cuddled into me saying 'no daddy, mummy cuddles'.

They flip on a switch. It's really hard but true that as adults we need to ensure they aren't responsible for our emotions and just let them get on with experimenting while we stay the same.

BarbarianMum · 25/10/2016 21:25

Yes YABU to be upset at your dh - by your own admission you've no reason to be.
It is just a phase. Ignore it but create plenty of opportunities for your dh to look after your ds without you there (not that it is your fault but whilst you are there your ds can continue to reject his dad in your favour).

d270r0 · 25/10/2016 21:26

Does your dh have much 1 on 1 time with your ds? If not then that would probably help immensely. He can take him to the park, help dig in the garden, put him to bed, give him baths, read to him- but on his own, without you around. I'm sure its just a phase he'll grow out of so neither of you should make a deal out of it, although do not tolerate any rudeness. Just try not to mention it or bring it up for a while and he'll probably forget.

Topseyt · 25/10/2016 21:26

QuiteLikely5, read the post. It is a recent behaviour. The OP did not say it has been permanent.

It is a phase. It is very common behaviour. It is testing the boundaries. Don't talk rubbish and imply that it is something sinister. Bollocks.

Original poster

PolarBearLover14 · 25/10/2016 21:31

Thank-you everyone for your replies.

QuiteLikely5 Thats utter BS and I shall ignore your comment.

Everyone else, you've really helped to reassure me, I think I shall try to get DH to do a bit of reading with me about toddler behaviour.
It doesn't help that DH is going through an absolutely shitty time at work atm so this really sent him off into tears (not infront of DS) and I think that was the reason for his walk to friends.

When my DS behaves like this I've tried to explain it's not nice and he's hurting his dad's feelings but he seems to find it funny which of course hurts more but I have wondered how much of his actions he understands at 2.
I shall suggest to my DH that we try the ignoring it and not showing it upsets and see what happens.

I always feel like I need to read more parenting books, lol.

OP posts:

Love51 · 25/10/2016 21:32

One of mine used to switch favourites quite often, which helped as we both knew that the other one wasn't being rejected for secretly doing anything heinous, and we also knew it would be our turn soon. We were firm, if we had said eg mummy is doing bedtime, that was that, we backed each other up. I honest didn't mind her preferring daddy. I did have a selfish streak go through me when she decided she preferred her childminder tho! ( I kept that to myself, and it passed the next day)

MaddyHatter · 25/10/2016 21:36

its a phase, give it a couple of months and it will be all about Daddy and you won't get a look in.

My 7yo still does it, although i do tell her that its not very nice and Daddy doesn't deserve being treated/spoken to like that.. which i wouldn't have done when she was 2.

Yesterday she wanted nothing to do with him. Today he's the best Daddy in the world and i wasn't allowed a hug at bed time.

Just tell him not to take it so personally, it doesn't mean anything.

JaniceBattersby · 25/10/2016 21:45

It's completely normal. Every tea time my three boys (6, 4, 2) almost come to blows over who sits next to daddy. This has been going on for two years. If I tell one of them to sit next to me they tell me they don't want to sit next to me despite the fact I cook their bloody tea every night and are often in tears. It's ridiculous, but it doesn't bother me because they're just being silly.

IAmNotAWitch · 25/10/2016 21:51

Pretty standard both of mine have played favourites at various stages.

Worst thing you/your DH can do is try to force it.

Wait til it's your turn and really Daddy is just so much better in every way!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 25/10/2016 21:54

A child should never be forced to cuddle anyone. They have to know that it is their absolute right to say no. Yes it's hurtful but they don't know any different. I would just say in a casual voice "that's a shame, daddy wanted a nice cuddle with you" and leave it at that. The more you make a big deal, the more it becomes a power struggle.

My DS went through this with my nan. He adored my nan, we saw her a lot, she was the only family member outside of his parents that ever did anything with DS and bothered with him. But he wouldn't cuddle her or kiss her, think he was about 2 as well. My nan just used to ask and when he wouldn't, she left it, never drew attention to it and never made it a big deal. He got over it in his own time.

I certainly wouldn't refuse to cuddle my own child because they wouldn't cuddle someone else. How cruel and what a poor lesson to teach them. I thought we wanted out children to know that their bodies belonged to them and no one has the right to do anything if they don't want to.

bumsexatthebingo · 25/10/2016 21:56

I think he's probably doing it now for reaction. I would just ignore it and get your dh to make a big fuss of him if he does give him a cuddle. Kids shouldn't be made to cuddle if they don't want to. If your son is being rude or otherwise unkind to your dh I would challenge that though.

TathitiPete · 25/10/2016 21:58

Thanks topsey

lalalalyra · 25/10/2016 22:01

They all go through that phase. My 3 year old is currently doing it with my BIL. No-one else is good enough for anything. He's delighted because at her birthday she was disliking him so much she screamed like he was murdering her because he offered her a present!

It is a phase. We ignore and make sure they see other people (ie you) hugging the non-favoured person.

I absolutely would crack down on things like the "yay" though. That's rude and rude isn't ok. We're allowed not to cuddle, but we're not allowed to hurt feelings deliberatley in our house.

T0ddlerSlave · 25/10/2016 22:01

Ah DD is like that with me. "go away mummy" is a refrain at the moment. She's never been a big one for cuddles or kisses but even just wanting to play with her, help her or get her dressed etc can be an issue if she feels like it.

Please tell your DH it is normal and can happen to mummies as well as daddies.

Puppymouse · 25/10/2016 22:03

We went through identical phase with DD. She would scream and cry every single time he picked her up or tried to cuddle her. He took it stoically every time, just as if she hadn't reacted and didn't show he was bothered. Then when I started leaving them quite often to do my horse they spent more and more time together and suddenly the tables were turned and she didn't like me! I am trying to be adult about it like DH was and she's slowly starting to want us both equally. She frequently plays us off against each other. It's a little power trip I think and just her pushing to check she's always loved.

I'd strongly advise your DH to try to find the inner strength to not react or let it affect him, don't push your son into cuddles with Daddy if he doesn't want them but don't reinforce the clinginess or undermine your DH.

CheshireChat · 25/10/2016 22:05

My DS did this as well with his dad and it passed after a few weeks, all was well as long as I wasn't around so used to hide in the kitchen peace and quiet. Even now he won't allow his dad to take him to bed and is refusing to kiss him good night.

TheWitTank · 25/10/2016 22:12

I would say it is quite typical and common 2 year old behaviour! It seems like a game, they don't understand feelings and why it isn't funny that Daddy is upset. It is all about the reaction it gets and being silly -and two! Don't worry about it. I wouldn't push the cuddles thing and let your DH take over stories/bedtimes/baths when possible -if you don't make a big deal of the situation it will naturally pass.

LuluJakey1 · 25/10/2016 22:15

DS has done this before, to DH and to me. One of us was flavour of the month, the other was unworthy of his attention. He only did it when he had both of us to play off against each other. If he just had one of us he was completely normal. We stopped with cuddles and let him cuddle us and he did- he just forgot about it both times after a bit. What is your DS like with DH if it is just the two of them?
On holiday this summer Ds was DH's shadow and I was in role of his provider of food and clothes.

Topseyt · 25/10/2016 22:19

Harry Potter, it is the loud and, in my opinion very rude "Yay" that I would withdraw cuddles for, not the refusal to give a cuddle to anyone.

That is not behaviour I would accept or reward.

Other than that I would (and did) ignore the phase.

slenderisthenight · 25/10/2016 22:30

I don't like the sound of this. A two year old wouldn't do this unless there was a good reason.

Thanks. My two year old did this for the entire year that he was two.There was no good reason. He just seemed to find mummy an unlovable hag.

OP, I've been jealous of my DH about that kind of thing - it's hard to reason yourself out of it. I think you can be firm and say 'Mummy's going now' and leave him to your DH. Your DH can't do that because he would feel like a prick. You need to be the one to insist that they spend time together and it doesn't matter how upsetting it is for your son because having the family split over this and his relationship with his dad spoilt will be more damaging in the long run.

The more they spend one on one time together, the more chance there is of things improving. If there are some special things that you do and are really good at, scale back or palm them off to your DH (if you're willing to be selfless about this). Let him have his chance to shine if you possibly can.

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