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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS has brought his gf to stay with us following violence at home - don't know what to do

69 replies

Tliev · 25/10/2016 13:01

Aibu - sorry, not strictly aibu but desperately need the traffic. DS has just called me from home to say his 16 year old girlfriend is being brought to our house by the police following violence from parents - they have apparently called her Satan, beat her and dunked her head under water. Indian Christian family if it makes any difference.

So I'm stuck at work, she's at our house Thanks to the police for leaving a 16 year old girl in the hands of her 17 year old boyfriend - what the fuck do I do? Social services???

OP posts:

Mozismyhero · 25/10/2016 13:35

I totally get the OP's surprise that the police would just leave her there with two teenagers. She's not worried what her sons will do but shocked that the police would do this. What if she said 'no get her out' and refused to have her stay (not that she will). Surely the police have a responsibility to check she's actually safe?

Eatthecake · 25/10/2016 13:36

What a credit to you, your ds is! What a lovely lad to welcome her in

I think the police probably wanted somewhere to leave the poor girl that was safe with someone who she trusted. And as your ds is 17 and girl 16 no adults present wasn't a problem as they aren't really children.

If she can't stay with your for good then do call police/social services and explain it's ok for the 1-2 nights but they will have to find something permanent for her.

Poor girl imagine that from your own parents and so young

WaxingNinja · 25/10/2016 13:37

I thought it was pretty clear why the op mentioned being left with two teenage boys... she's surprised the police have dropped a 16 year old vulnerable girl off with two teenagers that the police know nothing about really, and without checking with the boys parents.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 13:38

I'm sure that even if OP did nothing at all, the Police would make further contact. Leaving the poor thing with her BF was doubtless just an emergency move.

ohtheholidays · 25/10/2016 13:39

I'd ring the Police and ask them what the hell is going on and then I'd probably tell work there's been a family emergency and get home.

What ever is going and whatever has happened it should be easier for you to deal with in person.I'd get onto SS as well and found out what they're planning on doing for/with the girl.

FrogFairy · 25/10/2016 13:39

Do you have relatives nearby who could come to your house or take them in until you get home?

If her parents turn up on your doorstep it could get ugly and too much for them to deal with alone.

Lollipopgirls · 25/10/2016 13:42

I don't think OP is saying she doesn't trust her two teenage boys, I read it as though the police are happy to leave her there with them when she is meant to be so vulnerable they have removed her from her home. How do they know it's not "into the frying pan" for her? Not that the OP thinks that.

I imagine OP feels quite taken by surprise. Especially if DS and GF have not been dating long, for all we know. What about sharing bedrooms? Maybe she's not allowed her DS to have his GF stay overnight in the house before? What if her family come for her? What if nothing is in place for her as an alternative, does OP have to assume responsibility or feel terrible for not? Who would pay for her keep? How many phone calls does OP need to make on her behalf, to SS, police, victim support etc when she's meant to be working? In my job I wouldn't easily have been able to just drop everything, meetings etc, and start making call after call.

Obviously it's only just happened, and OP needs to speak to people etc, and it will likely all get sorted out. But it's a bit of a shock for her.

hotdiggedy · 25/10/2016 13:42

I also think its pretty surprising that the police think its ok to take a 16 year olds word for it that the girl can just be taken to his mothers house in such a case. What if the Op has her own stuff going on at home, what if she cant actually stand the girl etc etc. They could have spent 5 mins on the phone explaining the situation and asking if it was ok even before they set off to the house!

MrsGwyn · 25/10/2016 13:45

I'd be surprised to have a 16 left at my house with no adult to take responsibility for them or to check it was okay to do so with.

I'd also be worried about her family coming round - two teenagers aren't going to best people to deal with that.

I'd also feel under pressure to get back to house or get another adult over there and then to try and sort long term plan for a 16 year old I'd have no legal responsibility for. I would have thought that the police's job not a random member of public they haven't even spoken to.

So I get the OP surprise here.

Butterproperbutter · 25/10/2016 13:46

As I said manumission I work in the hostel here for 16-25 year olds

We have a no drug/alcohol policy they are searched on there way back up to there private "flats"

They get a private "flat" bedroom/living space, kitchen and bathroom, although some "flats" have 3 people in each (it depends on the requirements on the individual) with a laundrette room for them to do there washing in

we learn cooking skills, how to budget, help with job search

They can stay with us a maximum of 2 years then we do our very best to find them other accommodations, the local council here is great we can recommended so many of our leavers for council accommodation each year

Our hostel in staffed 24 hours a day

I have also worked in many hostels/foyers over the years and most are not bad

No maybe being in a hostel isn't ideal but unfortunately the social services in this area are not interested in people over 16

If you get nowhere with social services/police finding any where for her to stay OP, please do contact any hostels you have

Lollipopgirls · 25/10/2016 13:46

And if she did stay with OP, what would happen if her DS and his GF split up in a few weeks? There's lots to consider rather than "good on you for taking someone in".

Manumission · 25/10/2016 13:49

Maybe the parents are under arrest, or being spoken to. The police were obviously in a rush for whatever reason. They don't tend to give particularly high priority to fine points of MC etiquette and seeing the various things they see involving 16 and 17 year olds in their jobs, they're unlikely to consider a 17 year old incompetent to invite his GF around for a few hours.

They haven't actually handed OP legal responsibility for the 16yo; They've just left a distressed crime victim over the age of 16 safely with her BF for a few hours.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 13:50

As I said manumission I work in the hostel here for 16-25 year olds

We have a no drug/alcohol policy they are searched on there way back up to there private "flats"

And as I said, they vary.

I'd just be aware of the possible variation when attempting to place a traumatised 16yo.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 25/10/2016 13:54

I suspect your son offered your house as a safe temporary refuge for her, and good for him. There will be other investigations and arrangements going on, you need to contact the police and/or SS to get the details.

BecauseitsBedtime · 25/10/2016 14:00

I wouldn't be surprised based on the fact that when I was a child my parents took an 11 year old friend of my sisters out for the day, during which time her single dad died (he was chronically ill, which was well known to everyone involved, with something likely to significantly shorten his life but not expected to die imminently) - they got a call asking them if they had his DD, informing them of his death and were asked if they could keep hold of the little girl until social services came to collect her. That happened a week later!

Mind you that was 30 years ago...

MrsGwyn · 25/10/2016 14:00

They haven't actually handed OP legal responsibility for the 16yo; They've just left a distressed crime victim over the age of 16 safely with her BF for a few hours.

No but I'd feel a moral responsibility to someone in my home - plus OP doesn't really know if they are coming back in a few hours - though she might if they'd had a quick word with her directly.

As it is she going to have to chase for some answers which it a bit surprising when you've never been in such a situation before.

Butterproperbutter · 25/10/2016 14:00

While it is true hostels can sometimes vary with rules manumission all the ones I've worked in over the last 15 years with my work with young people have always had no drug/alcohol polices and clients using are services have had to be clean to do so

Yes anyone would be careful where they place a young 16 year old girl but if it's any hostel or being homeless, then I know where I'd rather leave her.

fartypantsmummy · 25/10/2016 14:01

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diddl · 25/10/2016 14:02

I would have thought it's just temporary whilst they find a solution.

I mean if she was in immediate danger, what should they do?

Sounds awful for her.

Hope that you get some answers soon, Op.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:03

Yes anyone would be careful where they place a young 16 year old girl but if it's any hostel or being homeless, then I know where I'd rather leave her.

IF that is the choice.

There might be other possibilities.

Lollipopgirls · 25/10/2016 14:03

Manumission is it a "safe place" for the OP's DS if her family come knocking though?! And although they haven't handed OP legal responsibility (not sure how they could?! "Here's a 16 yo, she's your legal responsibility now") by default OP will feel a moral responsibility towards her safety/future etc. As I said I'm sure it will all get sorted out but there's definitely a bit of a grey area which OP has found herself in. What if GF refused to leave OP's house? What if DS falls out with OP if she doesn't take GF in? Obviously all the above is only conjecture and supposition at this point but until OP is out the other side nobody knows how easy or difficult it will be. I don't think OP should feel guilty whatever happens though.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:04

No but I'd feel a moral responsibility to someone in my home - plus OP doesn't really know if they are coming back in a few hours - though she might if they'd had a quick word with her directly.

As it is she going to have to chase for some answers which it a bit surprising when you've never been in such a situation before.

Oh they'll be back in touch. What happens in emergencies does tend to be a bit rough and ready.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/10/2016 14:04

years ago my DM took in my DB's girlfriend who was in a hostel after being in a children's home for many years. In the long term as far as I recall the hostel wanted her to either stick to their rules or rehouse her in hostels near her sister (very rough areas etc).

My DM took her in and looked after her with my DB living together with her too.

ShowMeTheElf · 25/10/2016 14:05

You're stuck at work. Just drop him a text so that he feeds her something easy like soup or scrambled eggs and gives her a cup of something warm. They can watch a crap film this afternoon and you can all work something out tonight. She'll be shell shocked I should think. Poor girl.

Valentine2 · 25/10/2016 14:06

If she was abused this way at her own home by her own family, you should accept her even if she wasn't gf of your son. You can sort it all slowly from here on. But for now you should take her. Poor girl.

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