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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has brought his gf to stay with us following violence at home - don't know what to do

69 replies

Tliev · 25/10/2016 13:01

Aibu - sorry, not strictly aibu but desperately need the traffic. DS has just called me from home to say his 16 year old girlfriend is being brought to our house by the police following violence from parents - they have apparently called her Satan, beat her and dunked her head under water. Indian Christian family if it makes any difference.

So I'm stuck at work, she's at our house Thanks to the police for leaving a 16 year old girl in the hands of her 17 year old boyfriend - what the fuck do I do? Social services???

OP posts:
Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:06

Manumission is it a "safe place" for the OP's DS if her family come knocking though?! And although they haven't handed OP legal responsibility (not sure how they could?! "Here's a 16 yo, she's your legal responsibility now") by default OP will feel a moral responsibility towards her safety/future etc. As I said I'm sure it will all get sorted out but there's definitely a bit of a grey area which OP has found herself in. What if GF refused to leave OP's house? What if DS falls out with OP if she doesn't take GF in?

Crikey lollipop give the situation a chance. It's still unfolding Smile

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:08

Your Mum sounds lovely Super

alltouchedout · 25/10/2016 14:09

Bloody hell, Manumission, I hope (but have a terrible fear) you don't work in the social services or care sectors.

MrsGwyn · 25/10/2016 14:09

Oh they'll be back in touch. What happens in emergencies does tend to be a bit rough and ready.

If I was OP that's the reassurance I'd be wanting to hear.

I'd have expect to hear it from the police directly before they left but yea in a hurry I could see that not happening.

Mynestisfullofempty · 25/10/2016 14:18

Who called the police OP? Was it the girl herself?

Lollipopgirls · 25/10/2016 14:32

Of course it is Manumission. But either the situation gets resolved very quickly without too much input from OP, or those questions will have to be addressed sooner rather than later. Obviously not today! Or all at once. But if it is a messy situation then there will be decisions to be made quite quickly beyond the basics of an emergency situation. It won't still be an emergency in 2 days, or 5 days, but OP might be no further forward.

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 14:44

Surely girls family know where her boyfriend lives? I wouldn't be mumsnetting I would be haring home to see all was ok and I wouldn't b impressed with the police action at all.

Dumping a vulnerable victim into two teenage boys with no consent from the house owner?

You arnt emergency foster care this is ridiculous.

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 14:46

To add the reason she was attacked could involve her relationship with your ds.

Go home and call the police.

MermaidTears · 25/10/2016 14:58

Bloody hell get off the op back people
She doesn't mean she's concerned about the girl being with her son's incase they are a danger to her or anything
It's because anything could happen .
If the girls dad brother uncles etc go to the house, I sure as hell would not want my young sons to have to deal with that situation and possible violence.
I agree the police have no doubt made t their priorities to get the girl to a familiar safe place, but at the same time they need adult presence asap.

MermaidTears · 25/10/2016 19:14

Any updateop

Original poster
Tliev · 25/10/2016 20:11

I spoke to the police who said when they turned up it was a verbal argument between her and her mother. The mother (strict Christian) had gone through the daughters phone and seen text messages between the pair of them. This resulted in the mother going mad and hiding the keys so the girl can't get out. On further investigation the father is on last warning for domestic violence against the mother and the daughter. Mother is also violent towards daughter but daughter won't report her as she's a nurse and she doesn't want her to lose her job. Social services had a brief input the last time the dad went off on one. Police said the situation wasn't violent this time but has been previously. She has a meeting tomorrow with the church and her parents so I've said she can stay tonight.

Absolutely lovely girl but DH not impressed at me "being soft" and being "taken in by sob stories" so it's tough situation all round really.

I didn't mean she would be in danger with my boys 🙄 But I still don't like the notion that the police just dump her here with no word to the responsible adults and more or less say "here, this is now your problem".

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 25/10/2016 20:16

Hmm at your DH. What did he suggest instead?

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 25/10/2016 21:07

Why on earth would she lose her job? I'm a nurse btw.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 25/10/2016 21:07

Oh I see sorry the mother is a nurse. Whoops.

CocktailQueen · 25/10/2016 21:13

How can her dad be on a 'last warning' for DV?

I think you've done the right thing, but I'd also be worried. What will happen to the girl from now on?!

Purplebluebird · 26/10/2016 11:27

How very worrying! Also your husband, wth?! I feel very sad for this girl.

hotdiggedy · 26/10/2016 11:38

Im all for helping people out and having empathy.sympathy but it does surprise me that so many people were telling the Op that she 'has' to look after the girl and that she should be running home from work to get involved ( in reality, that isnt going to be possible for lots of people). We dont know the full situation. Maybe the Ops family are overcrowded as it is and have their own issues to deal with. It sounds like the problems for the girl have been going on for a while. How do the parents keep doing it when they know the police and care services are involved?? And what exactly will the church do about it I wonder! And in the mean time, the Op and her family have to just deal with it without having signed up for it. I salute you Op!

steff13 · 26/10/2016 11:47

On further investigation the father is on last warning for domestic violence against the mother and the daughter.

How many warnings do you get?

lemondropcake · 26/10/2016 11:53

Great that your son helped her and got her out the situation BUT it has left you all of a sudden with a vulnerable 16 year old girl in your house, in your care without being asked or knowing the full details.
You will probably have trouble at your door with the parents and end up involved in something you don't want to get involved in.
Yes, this girl needs help but it doesn't mean you need to play the whole good Samaritan and house and feed her. As shit as hostels are, its maybe the best place for her in this situation, she will have adult supervision.
The police can't just dump her on you. Get in touch with them and sort it out. Poor girl and an awful situation but I feel for you too as you didn't ask for all this.

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