Do I need to be tougher on DD?

[lightsandresistance]

Ok, dd (13) has aspergers, processing problems, dyspraxia and related anxiety, she is easily worked up and has also just started her periods so hormones added to the mix.

DD is very literal and often comes out with very literal comments to my parents, I do pick her up on this but she usually doesn't understand what she has done wrong. I do however correct her and explain why they might be upset. i.e My parents had been talking about dd inheriting the house when they die repeatedly and one day not long after dd came out with a 'when you have died and it is my house I am going to have blah in the garden' comment. I off course told her she could not say that and why but she was basically repeating what they had said.

DD and my Mum seem to be butting heads continually at the moment. She is a lovely girl and kind and helpful but she is very rigid in her rules. Again I do punish her or pick her up on any inappropriate behaviour.

She finds new situations difficult and can become quite anxious but my Dad makes jokes he thinks are funny which make dd more anxious i.e if she asks if we will get to somewhere on time he will make comments such as 'we will if the car doesn't break down/car starts/plane doesn't crash' etc. He loves her dearly but his 'jokes' wind her up. Then she gets told off for reacting.

We went out to a show at the weekend and dd had expected my Dad to be outside in the car when we got out but he had been held up, it was late at night and dd didn't know the area so she was a bit anxious, when my Dad rang to say he was here my Mum was trying to talk to him to see where he was parked as we couldn't see him but dd was talking over her asking if he was coming and was he here and was he flashing his lights (she could see a car which was) again I told her off but my Mum was still going on about it the next day.

DD is currently obsessed about us now trying to wash her dry clean only blazer, I was going to try it on a cold wash but she got very upset it would be damaged as someones had been at school so I left it in front of her only for my Mum who knew this to repeat that I should just go ahead and wash it while in front of dd, obviously dd got upset and commented that 'she can pay for another if she makes you wash it and it gets ruined'. Again dd was told off for being rude.

If something isn't 'right' she will comment (again I pick her up on this when it is inappropriate) i.e if my parents have said she can do something on a certain day and time and they don't she will comment. At the same time though if my parents forget to give her her weekly pocket money she never ever comments or asks for it or even mentions it to me.
She was recently told she could have any toy from a shop (within reason) by them and she picked something small and inexpensive so as not to be greedy and had to be persuaded to pick something bigger so she isn't spoilt.

I know it sounds awful but she is punished and told off and loses privilages but I am a bit stuck as to what to do, my Mum thinks dd is a brat who uses her SN as an excuse and I just feel completely stuck in the middle.

Dd doesn't go out anymore (damn clowns) and has just stopped the only hobby she has and doesn't really bother much with consoles etc so she doesn't really have much meaningful to remove as punishment and she spends loads of time in her room anyway so grounding doesn't work so other than removal of pocket money which I do and telling off but I often feel like I am telling her off for being aspergers.

I was coming on to say its the parents not your DD but everyone else got there first.

Frankly many NT children would react badly in some of the situations you list above. (Like the blazer example, or not being allowed to do something she's been told she can do). She really doesn't sound like a brat at all.

Okay, so they've been given explanations and chances to get it right and they're still winding your DD up and causing her distress.

Time to step back a bit and protect your DD. You do all sound a bit overinvolved with each other.

You need to be tougher on your parents, not your DD. Can you send them reading matter about girls with Asperger's? There's some useful information here - thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/books/

I understand your situation. I have a 13yr old son who has Aspergers & ADHD. It's very hard to know when and how to punish him. Do I punish him for being him? Some punishments seem really harsh but it's difficult to find something that affects him if you know what I mean.

My son doesn't see his grandparents very often and has made it very clear to me that he doesn't want them to know about his Aspergers & ADHD! They must think he's a naughty, hyper, rude person and I've really struggled at times not to explain why he behaves the way he does but I have to respect his decision. He says he doesn't want to be treated differently. To be honest I don't think his grandparents would accept his diagnosis anyway and stick their heads in the sand. I think it's a generational thing. Do you think you can relate to this?

Your struggles sound very familiar, remember you are not alone. It can all get very overwhelming and you think you are the only person living like this. On the upside the high points I experience with my son outshine the bad times and I feel those who have children without these special needs don't get to experience such special moments. I have a 7yr old son without special needs who has grown up understanding his brothers ways and needs, I've found some older generations less accepting.

I don't think that the GPs are necessarily doing anything wrong, but I do agree with other posters that there's no need to "punish" DD. Surely if she doesn't understand that she is being rude then she should just be told that it's inappropriate? Or is the issue that she does mean to be rude, but is provoked into being so? That's a harder one imo. She does need to find another 'outlet' for stress if that's the case.

There isn't a problem with your DD. You need to educate your Parents. Your poor DD is getting a lot of stick, and it appears to be because of your parents.

Nothing you've said about your dd leads me to think she's rude and I'm surprised she has so much punishment.

She's autistic and so is honest. As long as the honest comments aren't hurtful or done out of spite then I'd just let them go and work outside of social times on good social conversation etc.

The more people pick up on what she's saying the more anxious she'll become and likely that will make her behaviour bad.

With my ds (12) (who also has asd) we tend to ignore inappropriate comments as you would anyone who was making a comment you didn't feel compelled to respond to.

I get it's hard - I'm finding it hard myself ATM because ds is becoming more obviously inappropriate (think it's more his peers are becoming more adult like) - but I try to remember as much as I cannot to nag ds about what he says and does. (Not always that easy!)

Your parents are bullying your DD - they know her and you well enough to know how literal she is and what her buttons are, yet tease her mercilessly by pressing them then demanding she be punished. If this were children in the playground it would be taunting and bullying. They need pulling up, your DD is right!

We only see them at the weekend. Up until recently when we lived further away we stopped Friday until Sunday when we visited however we are now just there for the day.

Thank you all. Ironically they have experiences of some SN however girls with aspergers present rather differently and dd appears 'normal' if a bit quirky and I think my Mum sees her as a rude, obnoxious brat rather than a child with SN.

My Dad thinks he is most likely also on the AS spectrum so apart from the 'jokes' he gets on with her better.

I don't think she sounds like a brat or like she is playing it up. My cousin has ASD (mild) and he DOES play on it and use it as an excuse and you can tell that he is because he has a shit poker face. and big shit eating grin, telling his brother in what he thinks is a quiet voice "If you're too chicken I'll do it and pretend I didn't mean it cos of my autism." I think your DD is just taking things very literally and honestly I think you need to have a chat with your parents and just explain that she does not possess the capacity to differentiate between a joke and a serious comment. She cannot pick up on the nuances and understand that actually the car breaking down is unlikely and grandad is just being funny. Can you explain to them that she doesn't mean any disrespect but for her, figurative speech (right word?) doesn't exist. She isn't trying to be rude, just communicate as best she can and it is probably endlessly frustrating for her. She probably realises that she is missing something but can't ascertain what and that has to be annoying. I don't know that there is a lot you can do about the timekeeping tbh, perhaps instead of telling her an exact time, would she be okay knowing that they will arrive between 9 and 12? Some people are just really shit timekeepers and at their age they will probably not change. I have a friend like that and it is sooo annoying but at 40 she is unlikely to change her ways, having been doing it all her life.

I'd continue pulling her up on things that are blatantly rude and hurtful and explain why but I don't think you need to punish her. Punishments, to me, are for things that they do, knowing they are hurtful/rude/wrong, not things done through lack of understanding. I get that she has to learn how to interact socially to a degree and not say things to people like "when you die" but they need to make allowances too and change how they speak to her. It isn't all on her.

Myownprivate

Most often I think she doesn't understand, sometimes she does but is being reactive.

It seems to have only become a big problem in the last year or so. My Mum is elderly and unwell and I think that probably adds to the problem majorly because she naturally has less patience.

I think also dd was 'little' until recently and it was 'funny' to them how quirky she is but now she is a teen obviously that has changed...

I find myself like a stuck record.

I think your parents are behaving like brats. Its bullying. Jokes are funny if the recipient thinks so, and your daughter clearly doesn't like it. They are winding her up and expect you to clear up the mess they cause. Which makes me think they are not being respectful of you either. Being a GP does not give you the right to say and do what you like with GC. My DS has ASD, ADHD, GAD and sensory issues, the situation your daughter is in would cause him so much anxiety and make his self esteem take a nose dive! Please defend her and make it clear to your parents that you will not allow her to be treated this way.

however girls with aspergers present rather differently and dd appears 'normal' if a bit quirky

Yes!

From the OP it seems like you are stressed out a bit. I don't think you should have punished her on the things you have mentioned at all. Your dd isn't the problem, your parents are, and I don't think her punishments are helping the situation. My ds (10) is an Aspie, so yes, I do know what I'm talking about.

I think your parents are intolerant and bullying her. Deliberately winding her up is bizarre. It's clearly upsetting her so why do they persist in making 'jokey' comments and refusing to see that she has SN as opposed to her being rude? They need serious words. I feel very sorry for your DD and to think you need to be harder on her amazes me. Wrong person is being targeted.

Your dd has a multitude of things going on your parents need educating on her issues . Can you print of some info for them tell them to read it your Dd isnt being irritating or whatever she is confused stressed and literal

Most often I think she doesn't understand, sometimes she does but is being reactive. OMG she is turning into a teenager, you'll have to kill her!

I feel bad for your mum being ill and yeah, I know when you feel shit, you don't have a lot of patience but teenagers are like that. Even NT ones are reactive and stroppy and tbh the thing with the blazer? I would have said that at 13. Probably with a healthy dose of attitude. And you're right to pull her up on it in that case but I still don't think she is being deliberately rude. Do you never have to really resist a smart arse comment when someone is pissing you off? She does it in the moment like all teens. Their mouths are at least a minute ahead of their brains.

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. She doesn't get it, they don't understand her either and neither of them have any patience with each other.

Like others, I think the main issue are your parents.
I have two dcs, one who is fully NT, the other who has 'traits' do AS.

Both of them could come up with similar comments or reactions. And a lot of the time, I wouldn't think that any of those should warrant a punishment. Maybe an explaination but nothing else.

E.g. The comment about the house and your parents leaving it to her when they die. Of course, she will be thinking about what she would/will do when it will be her house.

But they would really do with going easier on her and not looking for problems.

I think your dd needs you to stick up for her when you are with your parents. Then, if you think it's a good idea, explain why X and y isn't suitable to say because xxx. No punishment (punishment in my house is reserved for things that are done when the person KNOWS they shouldn't do it) but teaching iyswim

I think you need some help to deal with your DD. She must be in a constant state of anxiety wondering what she is going to be punished for next. I have a husband and two sons on the spectrum and they need careful dealing with not being made to pander to other people. Your parents and you need some training have you looked at the autistic society's website and asked your GP for any local organisations? We have one called autism east midlands who do regular talks and lectures to help parents. For now stop picking her up on everything , defend her to your parents and get them and yourself some books about being on the spectrum as a teenager and an adult to stop you making mistakes which could add to her problems. My eldest son is now under the mental health team because of the way he was treated at school 20 years ago these people are very sensitive if you get things wrong you can do a lot of damage.

Starry, TBH in that cas, you have one teenager that has aleardy gone into a long discussion on how you just can't wash the blazer by hand, even in cold water etc.. one that is getting very anxious about it.

When the gran came in and insisted, first I would have expected the OP to step in and say 'this is something we have already sorted out. Thank you' if she was there.
If the OP wasn't there, yes it is the sort of stuff that my NT teenager might have said which would have been met with a raise eyebrow from me. Or something my dc with 'traits' would have said but then it would have been out of sheer anxiety and there is no way I would have punished or whatever. Telling him it's not ok. That He can give the same information in a different, more polite way etc... Yes.

The reason I asked if I needed to be tougher is because i am completely worn down by it all and you start self doubting.

It is exhausting enough as a now single parent bringing an SN child up alone without the stress of this too.

The only thing I can see that she might have done "wrong" is the talking over your mum when your dad was supposed to be meeting you all.

There was still no need for your mum to mention it the next day though & it does sound as if both of your parents need to rein it in!

You feel exhausted because you are managing your parents behaviour. Tell them how you feel, e.g it's tiring constantly having to remind you of dds needs. Punishing dd really isn't helping. She now doesn't go out and has given up her activitie. Poor girl.

I agree with the PPs who have said that I think you need to be harder on your parents and lay off DD's case a bit. TBH most teenagers can be a little...erm...blunt so even without your DD's additional issues I think they are being very harsh on her

I mean, going on about the issue at the event the next day, really? That's totally OTT.

No you don't need to be tougher you need some tools and support to help you which is why I said about using people like the NAS. Our children are draining and I have to be honest the rule in my house was parents and sister etc butted out. They were not allowed to be fake upset or whine to me I had enough to deal with. They were told to go away and educate themselves and if they could help come back. Concentrate on coping with your daughter, give her some books The Asperkids (secret) book of social rules is a good one to start with. And get some support for yourself from parents who understand how you feel even if its just online.