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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave DSS an equal share.

41 replies

Firsttimer82 · 24/10/2016 12:39

So I have been married for 3 years, my DH has a son that is 17 and we have DS who is almost a year. DSS is lovely and we have a great relationship. I actually have a better relationship with him than DH but we see him about every month for a few days and have a great time.

When we got married I brought a house to the relationship and DH although hard working brought some debt.

We have just had to make our wills and I am desperate that should/when we pop our clogs that no one is upset.

However I don't feel that both sons should get an equal share as essentially all the money has come from me (apart from DH's life insurance). We have decided to leave 25% of our estate to DSS. It would be enough for a house deposit for him. DS would obviously need a trust as he is still dependant and will be for a good while.

I know we are very unlikely to both die soon but I don't want there to be any trouble between brothers if we did. Has anyone else had experience of this?

AIBU to not leave them 50/50?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 24/10/2016 12:42

He's not your son and it's not as if you've been in his life since he was a baby so I would say that you are under no obligation to leave him anything.
However, if you want to then you can leave him something, 25% seems fair.

Me2017 · 24/10/2016 12:43

I would not remarry actually as I don't want a new man having even 1% of my capital or house and certainly any children of his would not get a penny. It is all for my children.

However there are no rights and wrongs about this and everyone has to decide what works for them.

I think it depends what will happen. If your husband wind £20m on the lottery or inherits £500k then it is not right the step son would not get half that shared with the other son.

If I were you I would leave 25% of the value of the house less debt on the house at date of death to the step son and then once that is dealt with you and your husband leave the rest of your estate to however you choose. Eg you might not own a house when you die and your husband might have large savings and you none so why shoudl the step son only get 25% in that situation?

MyPeriodFeatures · 24/10/2016 12:43

Yanbu not at all. No doubt DSS has a mother and she will leave a legacy to him?

If not, that's unfortunate but sadly just how it is. Am I harsh? Possibly.

EssentialHummus · 24/10/2016 12:47

Presumably DSS will eventually get something from his mum's side, if they have assets?

OlennasWimple · 24/10/2016 12:47

TBH I'm a bit more concerned that you get on better with your DSS than your DH of three years...

Original poster
Firsttimer82 · 24/10/2016 12:49

I think it is good advice to review it if DH wins the lotto! He does have a mum but she is unlikely to leave him much as she doesn't have a lot and has 5 other kids.

OP posts:
Agiraffeisnotacat · 24/10/2016 12:50

YANBU, we have similar arrangement. Our money initially goes to each other, but if we die together then 50% is shared 4 ways (between 2 joint DC and 2 SDC) and the remaining 50% is split two ways (between 2 joint DC).

This effectively means that 'DH's' half is split between his 4 kids (of which 2 are also mine) and 'my' half is split between my two DC.

Sometimes this feels a bit odd as effectively our joint DC will get a fair bit more but they are getting two parents' worth if that makes sense?

It's a tricky subject.

Original poster
Firsttimer82 · 24/10/2016 12:51

OlennasWimpl Yeah thats another issue but I am 15 years younger than DH so we are more like friends DSS and I. Thats what I meant. They love each other but don't have a lot in common.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/10/2016 12:51

25% is right. You are leaving your half to your son. Your husband has two sons and leaves them half of his share each.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2016 12:52

It doesn't matter if your husband wins the lottery - his share will always be split between the two boys.

There's nothing to stop you leaving your step son a sum of money, eg for a car, as a gift from yourself.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 24/10/2016 12:55

What happens if you go before your DH?

mum11970 · 24/10/2016 12:57

Openness, I think the OP means she has a better relationship with her step son than his dad does. Not that she gets on better with her dss, than she does with her dh. Our set up is very similar threads Agiraffe's. Dh's estate is split between myself and all of his children but my estate is split between my dh and our joint children.

Original poster
Firsttimer82 · 24/10/2016 13:04

Its a joint will so I go then DH gets it all to decide what to do with it. I trust him to leave DSS and DS the right amount as he sees at the time. Thanks for the support 25% seem right then. Should we explain it to DSS do you think?

OP posts:
buttercup15 · 24/10/2016 13:06

Agiraffe my parents have the same arrangement as you. My DF was married before, had 3 kids and then divorced and met my DM. They then went on to have two DCs (me and my bro). Her half is split 50:50 between us two, and my DF's half is split 5 ways between his 5 kids. Might sound unfair, but when their mum dies they will also inherit 1/3 of her estate. So in effect all kids end up with the same amount. I think it's fair.

SleepyHare · 24/10/2016 13:08

I have been thinking this myself actually. We haven't made wills yet but they are on our to do list.

Dp has two bio kids not to me, and one step child (mother same as his kids iyswim) and one child with me.

Now I want my 'half' if you like, to all go to ds. If I die first, I obviously want to leave it to dp so he can continue to live there or whatever, but then when he dies I still want to ensure that ds gets my 'half'

But dp thinks all four kids should get equal shares. I will never agree to it. At the end of the day they're not my children, I don't see two of them and I have zero interest in leaving them anything of mine.

Dp can do what he likes with his half, I'm guessing he'll want to split it four ways, or maybe three and not include our ds because he's a,ready getting my half. I wouldn't be happy with that either to be honest!

So no I don't think YABU!

buttercup15 · 24/10/2016 13:09

Just read your last post. I don't know if your situation is different but if you died first and left everything to your DH then legally your SS could have a claim to half of everything. My DPs were advised not to do this. They have an agreement in place where everything is left to the children but with a clause stating that if one parent remains alive and living in the house then they should be allowed to stay as long as needed. Only once both parents have passed can the house be sold and the money is split accordingly. If you leave everything to your DH then you risk your DS only ending up with half. You need to leave your % directly to your son with a clause that your DH should be allowed to stay there if needs be.

buttercup15 · 24/10/2016 13:11

Exactly as sleepyhare has said!

Butterpuff · 24/10/2016 13:12

I love ImperialBlether's suggestion.

Black and white on the bulk but a special gift is a really nice idea.

Trifleorbust · 24/10/2016 13:14

Against the grain here. I understand that you brought more to the relationship, but when you get married this no longer means very much. In twenty years, when your son is grown up and your DSS has kids of his own, is anyone going to recall that you put more in to the house? Or are you just going to look unfair?

buttercup15 · 24/10/2016 13:15

Even if you 100% trust your DH this would rely on him being able to redo the will in time. For example but lets say you are both in a car accident and you are killed straight away but DH is in hospital. Your estate then goes to him. Your DH then dies two weeks later. Because you died first all of your estate went to him, but he is unable to then re-do the will accordingly. So then his two DCs (your DS and DSS) would then be legally entitled to 50% each. If you leave your 50% direct to DS then you don't have this issue at all.

Sorry this all sounds very heartless but I'm just giving an example, sorry!

reallyanotherone · 24/10/2016 13:15

I would not remarry actually as I don't want a new man having even 1% of my capital or house and certainly any children of his would not get a penny. It is all for my children

Not getting married doesn't necessarily stop a partner having a claim on your house. In fact because we are married my solicitor made sure he signed the forms etc to say he had no right to the house when I bought it.

My house is willed to my children, although DH can live in it until he dies, remarries, or chooses otherwise.

His DC will get his house via their mum, she is still living in the family home. He has no financial assets at all following his divorce as she kept everything leaving him only with the clothes he had with him. She also cleared out their joint bank accounts- over £15k.

WatchingFromTheWings · 24/10/2016 13:16

We've been talking about sorting out wills. I have 2 kids, he has 2 and we have one together. My half will be spilt between my 3, his half split between his 3. So our DC will get 2 shares. But my 2 will inherit from their dad and his 2 from their mum.

LittleLionMansMummy · 24/10/2016 13:17

I'm having similar considerations - and have a 19yo dsd who has been nc since 14, so a bit more complicated. In discussing it with dh we originally thought we'd split assets 50/50. My half would be split two ways between mine and dh's two children together while his would be split 4 ways, between his children from his previous marriage and the children we both have together. Ds is only 6 and our new baby is due in a few weeks, so both very much still dependent. Dsd1 and 2 are much older and will also inherit from their mum. But we've been together 14 years and although dh brought more initially, I pay proportionately more for mortgage and bills as I'm the higher earner and have done for a number of years. When we married and had ds there was an acceptance that we now owned equal assets. We still haven't made a will, partly because dh can't decide how he wants to deal with nc dsd1 and partly because I am tempted to leave dsd2 a third of my half too because I want to leave her something myself to acknowledge how highly I think of her as a big sister to ds. We have even discussed with her the possibility of her becoming legal guardian to our dc if we were both to die. She's very willing and more than capable and I trust her implicitly, but if we died tomorrow it would seem very unfair to lumber her with two children when she's still got a lot of living to do first.

Blended families are very complicated and I don't think yabu op. 25% sounds right for your dss, but you ought to review regularly as your feeling might change - as mine have.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 24/10/2016 13:18

When I first read I thought it should be 50 50 but actually I can see how splitting 'his' share and 'your' share is a good idea. Half his to each of his Sons, all yours to your Son.

Original poster
Firsttimer82 · 24/10/2016 13:20

I think that is a valid point be I do think that if we always keep it that 25% goes to DSS then that is fair because he isn't my child so my half should go to DS sole. I hadn't thought about it like that before. Its made me feel a bit better.
RE. The special gift I just gave DSS my car so he should be happy with that! lol.

OP posts:
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