to think DP shouldn't take things out of the house?

[unlucky83]

DP has form for this - it is one of the things he does that drives me insane...
He 'borrows' things from the house -often doesn't ask/tell -then when you are looking for them and ask him if he has seen them says -oh that's in my car/at work/at my friends...
Latest thing is a big plastic tub I have - it is a small bucket really and I use it for soaking things before washing or full of hot soapy water to wash windows etc. It fits perfectly on a shelf in my under sink cupboard - so I can put something soaking on the shelf rather than on display.
Yesterday I left it next to the sink in the kitchen - just looking for it everywhere and asked him - it is in my car, used it washing it earlier.
(We don't have a drive - the car will parked a few minutes a way on the street and it is pissing down with rain...and he would have gone to work in his car tomorrow ....) I have to say I had a tub like this before and he borrowed it and lost it...(and it isn't easy to find one the right size)
And it isn't just this - he asked if he could borrow a hedge cutter for his friend. I do the gardening and I have two - a long reach battery operated one and a corded one. Why couldn't his friend borrow one - why did I even need 2? The long reach one gets heavy and obviously the battery needs charging...so I decided another one would be handy...
His friend isn't very reliable but I said he could borrow the corded one if DP used it with him, took it and brought it straight back and was prepared to replace it if nec (the battery one was £180 -so I wouldn't lend that one out).
You can guess the rest - nice sunny dry day, room in garden waste bin -went to trim a hedge, battery one needs charging, can't find the corded one anywhere - phone him. It is in his car at work 15 miles away ...(actually I think it was at his friend's) - he'll bring it home in 5 hrs - why didn't I ask for it the day before I needed it?
Maybe because I bought it and have it for a reason - so I have one to hand...and if I get the opportunity I can use it...
These aren't the only egs - this has gone on for years - eg he used to have a restaurant and 'borrowed' the salad spinner, my roasting fork (bought when I was a chef), even the WD40... you hardly use them, ask me the day before and I'll bring them back ... why should I need to plan ahead like that - and also if you haven't told me I don't even know I need to ask!
He is better at asking before taking now...but still - please tell me AINBU and it would drive anyone insane?

I agree thumb it's very selfish and disrespectful too.
The amount of times I have to go upstairs and get a key he hasn't returned to my pocket pisses me off. He saved himself a journey of going upstairs at my cost!

It would be a very brave man that wandered off with my best veg peeler. DD took it to camp once, I was more worried about the peeler not coming back than DD (well not quite but it was a close thing).

My DH does stuff like this. After almost 30 years I think I've got him trained, then he surprises me again. it is vv frustrating. He then wonders why i am annoyed - or he used to. Nowadays he just looks guilty. He has other better qualities, honest.

This has made me all anxious. I can't bear people 'borrowing' things and not returning them.

Yes we live together - have done for 16+ yrs... he is much better than he used to be - when he had the restaurant things would go all the time ....which is why I am sensitive about it. Also I hate looking for things so that adds to the irritation.
The one that drove me to tears was the WD40 ... I was cleaning the windows and thought I'll just oil them whilst I think about it - went to get the WD40 - it had gone ....phoned him, yep he'd got it would bring it home at midnight - grrr. I asked him not to take it again - buy a can for the restaurant- not hard to get - you can get it in supermarkets...
About a year later the back door went funny -I couldn't lock it. Thought I try spraying WD40 in the lock...spent 15-20 mins looking for it - phoned him oh yeah he'd needed it again at the restaurant - he'd bring it home with him - at midnight... or I could always do the 10 mile round trip to get it before then ...except I couldn't lock the back door...
I actually went out leaving back door unlocked to buy some more (12 mile round trip) and told him to keep the one he had at the restaurant...sold the restaurant 7 years ago and the can we have still has HOUSE ONLY written in big letters on it...

And thumb - I completely get that too ...I do most of the DIY, he bought a boat to do up. In the end he got a set of tools for his boat -after many 'discussions' . Then put them all jumbled, randomly in various plastic tubs, all over everywhere so he couldn't find things - so still took 'mine' (the household ones - in toolboxes, I bought and organised -and I always put tools back where they live - cos I hate looking for things!)

Which is actually part of the problem - he is careless with things (he lost the last veg peeler...) and disorganised and thoughtless...
Puppets - that gives me some hope ...another 15 yrs and he'll only do it sometimes...

Last time dh left something that I needed in his car (funnily enough, I think it was the WD40), I moved his car and left it on my dms drive. (Just round the corner so not far).
He's not done it for a while...

I think you need to remind him that he's not "borrowing" things if he hasn't returned them, he's taken or "stolen" them. Borrowing implies having asked as WELL as the item being returned. If he'd asked at least you'd know he DID have it but it doesn't resolve the responsibility of returning the item. Giving permission to borrow an item also doesn't mean he doesn't need to ask the next time, or that he doesn't need to return it the next time... He has absolutely no regard for anything that is "yours" or anything that is "the houses".

If you'd like him to know what it feels like, take his hair trimmers and put them somewhere else and wait for him to ask for them, guarantee he won't think to ask the day before he needs them. Doing that puts you on the same level as him though and allows him the opportunity to say "you do it too".

You need to reclaim everything he's taken. Just go and take them, don't ask. It doesn't matter whether he uses it "more", it doesn't transfer ownership to him! He wants one for his own (exclusive) use then he should buy it for himself... which is ironic seeing you bought it for your own use and yet aren't "allowed" to use it.

YABU. it's his stuff as well.

I would have to kill him.

Look, even when you're married there's stuff which belongs to each of you, one of you or both of you. Lend his stuff to your friends, even if they don't want to borrow it, and then give him the same answers he'd give you. Start with the hair trimmers. Force Persuade a friend who lives an hour away that she really, really needs them.

Often, one 'tit for tat' event is enough. If it isn't move onto other things. I hope that he learns before you have to lend his car to that friend who lives in New Zealand

ThisIsReallyNotMyName no, it's really not, YAB ridiculous. Living together doesn't surrender ownership of the OP's property. If I go out and buy a bottle of coke, my DH cannot just take it from my hands and drink it and expect me not to be pissed about it.

Thisis

NO!

On that basis he could take anything from our house and lend it out, and I could do the same. Laptop, phone, clothes, money...anything.

I wonder how you would feel if you came home to find that (hypthotically) your husband had given your wedding dress to his sister on the basis that it belongs to both of you, so it was as much his to give away as yours.

Mumsnet is slowing up! It took just over 6 hours for someone to yell LTB (with obligatory 'twat' thrown in!).

Hmmm. I think Ferret Towers needs to have clear demarcation lines drawn threw it stating what belongs to who and to have an inventory drawn up. From here on in we shall make each other sign out articles for use and sign them back in......

That would drive me insane. He is sending you a very clear message that the work you do in the home and garden is completely without value, and your time can be wasted on a monumental scale as he sees fit to make his own life a tiny bit easier. It must be quite disheartening to live with someone who has so little respect for you.

This would drive me crazy! Does he realise how much it annoys you?

Over the years we've established a system whereby dh isn't allowed certain things, car satnav certain garden tools, measuring jugs any nice systema as he does the same. For a while he wasn't allowed to use my car ever as he took the keys to work three times meaning I had to get taxis all day to drop off and collect dsc from school and get to work. Yadnbu and he's being a total arse not to see how much this enrages you.

Blimey! I'm genuinely at the responses on here. If it's a household item surely it belongs to both of you if you live together? Yes, it's annoying but he's not 'borrowing your stuff', he's not putting things back where they belong. Unless this is a joke thread and I've misunderstood.

Start borrowing his things & don't give them back tell him they're miles away and he should tell you the day before/plan ahead if he wants them back.

See if that stops him.

Hide his hair trimmers. Or lend them to a random friend.

Get petty and inconvenience him until it sinks in.

That's so infuriating!
Dh is a messy sod and it drives me up the wall. His office is always a tip and the garage is a health and safety hazard, even trying to get to the freezer is tricky. It pisses me off no end. He's recently been doing work in the garden so left all the tools and workbench all over in my greenhouse. I got pissed off the other day as I wanted to move delicate plants inside and there was no room so I moved everything out onto the deck under the pergola so it was up to him if they got damp. He then chucked everything in the garage so won't be able to locate anything easily next time it's needed.

I also hate looking for things. It's infuriating! If I know where the best paintbrush (as it's always me that decorates) is meant to be, I don't want to spend half an hour hunting for it, only to discover it set in a tub of polyurethane paint!

YANBU. That would drive me crazy too. I hate it when I go to use something and it isn't where I put it - which is where it is supposed to be!

Fortunately my DH is pretty good about returning things to their rightful places, but when my mother comes to stay she likes to 'help' me by tidying up. And it drives me absolutely nuts to reach for my spatula or sellotape or something and find that she has tidied it away into the back of some cupboard I barely knew existed. And she's not even removing my stuff from the house!

I think I'd have to put OPs DP under the patio, because stuff just never being where it is supposed to be, and not just put in the wrong place, but randomly loaned out or permanently removed to another location would really get on my tits with its careless thoughtlessness. Especially if it was something which was more mine than his - even if it is technically a household item.

HmmmmBop I can see the argument that it is shared stuff so either should be able to use it without having to ask

but

it's household stuff so should be available for the household to use at all times except if there is discussion/agreement. DH quite often lends ladders to our neighbour but he always tells me. I am never likely to want to go up a ladder but it is still the household ladder.

Obviously some things are primarily the property of one member of the household - I have my laptop, DH has his desktop, we have our own clothes - but everything else is shared between us. That said, the kitchen is predominantly my area (the food processor I bought before I met DH, the stand mixer was a birthday present some years ago) while the tool bench along the back of the garage is DH's (again, some tools were his before he met me, some he has been given as gifts over the years).

And yet DH would check with me before lending out any of his things, let alone my own - in case we might need them at the weekend, or in case I had plans for something that I hadn't had the chance to talk to him about yet. I'm not sure he'd lend so much as a hammer without checking that I wasn't planning some major garden project that weekend. He certainly wouldn't lend anyone anything from the kitchen without running it by me first. Taking out of the house is slightly different as the only time he'd do that, he'd be going away for the weekend with me so we'd both need whatever it was.

Your problem isn't that your partner sees household stuff as shared, it's that he doesn't stop to think whether you may need something before he takes it away and then doesn't put it back afterwards. He needs to have it made clear that you are not a mind reader and cannot predict what he will take and therefore cannot tell him in advance not to take it. Anything he needs in more than one location (house plus car, house plus business, house plus caravan etc) - he needs to buy a duplicate of. Anything someone wants to borrow, he checks with you first to make sure you don't need or want it during the period it will be with the other person. Whether it's "yours" or "his", that's just common courtesy.

Good grief, how annoying! I had an XP a bit like this and if I said anything it would turn into a monumental row. Needless to say, I ditched him.

Every time he 'borrowed' something I would also 'borrow' something from him. Make sure it is something that would really inconvenience him. He may get the message eventually.

No Bogey, using the WD40 and forgetting to put it back immediately is not the same as giving away your wedding dress

I'm with Hmmmmm here, when I read the first few responses on the thread I couldn't work out if they were sarcastic or not. This is the sort of stuff I would class as 'mildly irritating', not a reason for tears. OP, he left your plastic tub in the car - why didn't you just ask him to go and get it? From the tone of your first post I presumed he was a fairly new partner who doesn't live with you - but no, you share a home. Why are ordinary household objects strictly your preserve and something he needs permission to 'borrow'? It sounds like a very disproportionate response on your part.

How odd!

Odd that some don't get that even in a long term relationship there is still individuality. Me and Him. Different people.

He has his clothes, I have mine. Same with laptops, favoured cups, all sorts of stuff.

Then there are the things that are MINE! I chose them, bought them, received them as gifts. If he was to remove them he would have a lot of explaining to do. He too has things that are indisputably HIS.

And then there are things that belong to the HOUSE and neither of us should deprive the other of the use if them. The stovetop mokka, the knife block, the yellow plastic thing that makes taking lids off easy, the indoor toolbox, the outdoor toolbox and all the contents, the pasting table and on and on and on.

Stuff we both use with more or less regularity. The stuff that is always there, to be used, that simply is.

Neither of us has the right to remove such stuff without agreement, because such stuff is what makes the house run properly, what helps make it ours - not someone elses, a way to make a mate happy, or just a simple way to solve an immediate problem - then to be forgotten, whatever!