Who's BU?

[twocultures]

To try and cut a long story short my DM and DF don't get along with my DP.
It's a very complicated situation but without going into it both sides are blaming the other for something that went really wrong. But at the end of the day my DP is the one having to deal with the ramifications and will continue to do so for years to come. I'm not taking sides here but as I live with my DP It feels like my parents (read DM) assumes I'm on DPs side.
Please note my parents are in their mid 40s so not old.

Anyway I live about 30 mins away from my parents and struggle to get there ATM as I'm out in the middle of nowhere and the buses are only here a few times a day and until I get my first pay check from my new job I can't afford to insure my car.
I've been unable to see my parents for about 3 weeks now (I usually go over every week) as I've struggled to find my way there, up to recently I've usually managed to get a lift from in laws or my DM or DF would pick me up but they're all quite busy now.
Recently as DP changed jobs (he's semi-self employed it's complicated) and we have decided to stay more organised DP said we should set a day in the week when I go and see them and then they can drop DS home to DP in the evening as I go to work evenings so won't be there.
DP has said that the best day for me to go over is Wednesday, we want to spend weekends together As a family and Monday's and Friday's he's able to finish work earlier and he'd like to spend those late afternoons with our DS as due to previous work commitments he has never been able to spend much time with him when he was a baby (he's 2 years now).
I've spoken to my parents who said Wednesday is no good for them as they're usually busy, they are self employed my DF usually works ft and my DM helps out a couple of days a week and my DP was hoping they would be able to adjust their days to be able to accommodate the one day a week to see DS as they don't have a schedule or a rota as such and they usually go from week to week. And they are very pushy to see DS.

So my DM is now pulling the guilt trip saying they are being pushed aside and their needs are not being considered as she has specifically stated Wednesdays are no good and that we are stopping them from seeing their DGS. And she's also saying how they're not getting to see me , their DC, either.
I've spoken to my DP and asked him about a different day as I'm quite easy going as I work afternoons he said Wednesday's or Monday's but they'd have to drop DS off around 4.30/5 ( if Wednesday's they can drop off at 6/7) as he wants some time with DS Monday afternoon.
He's not keen to discuss the situation as he feels that in the past we have tried to accommodate everyone else around us and not took care of our own needs and due to our current difficult financial situation he wants to just focus on us 3 and work to get us in a better situation.
I'm slightly concerned that if speak to my DM tomorrow and say either Wed or Mon she'll say Monday's no good either and demand Friday's or something and kick off again like she did at me over the phone today.

Who is BU here my DP for wanting to see DS Mon and Fri afternoons on his own (and obviously we have weekends together) or my DM who's saying they can't adjust their flexible days to see DS on the 2 days we suggested? I feel really stuck and confused and I don't know what to think

I don't know if they want to control OP's life as such...I think they expect access to their grandson whenever it suits them and if they have to control OP's life and put on an emotionally manipulative performance or whatever else they think will force her hand in order to get their way, then so be it.

The brass neck is quite galling.

Thank you so much for the replies! Makes me feel a lot better to be reassured I'm not BU.

It's hard I love them very much and I know they want to see my DS and they could see him everyday if they could but it's hard to get across that it just doesn't work that way for us.
I had another text from my mum saying it's silly and feels like they have to schedule visits like in prison and ask permission to see their grandson. I replied saying that's not the case it's just this week we agreed on Monday and we can't rearrange now as its too late as DP arranged the whole week around it so he's home Wednesday and he can't rearrange his meetings etc now as its too late.
Got another text saying:" twocultures we are just saying in general what this feels like for us. We won't always be able to do Monday's and you should take into consideration that we might need an alternative day"
My reply:
"Yes we have said Monday's or Wednesday's but this week we have agreed on Monday and DP has arranged his work around this. That's why it's too late to shuffle it around now."
It's showing on whatsapp that she's not read it yet and it's been hours but IDK .

The really difficult thing for me is that I think my DB who lives with them and my GPs who live abroad would probably agree with them as the culture is a bit different and they don't quite understand the whole "we want a structure and routine in our lives and focus on what we need to do" approach. Me and my DB grew up being around our GPs constantly and we are very close, we'd sleep over from a young age and we even lived a bit with both sides whilst my parents built our home.
But it's different now me and DP live 30 mins away so it's not exactly down the road and I work evenings and he works until about 5-6 so we swap over and DPs mum has DS for those few hours in between me setting off for my job and DP coming back from his as she lives down the road from us.

I think it's hard for my parents to understand the limited days and also that we don't come over at weekends and tbh the main reason for this is that we want to spend the weekend together and obviously as I mentioned before DP and my parents don't get along anymore so he won't go over with us and I'd rather be with him then listen to my DM talk about how I need to make sure DS speaks my native language etcetcetc

To be honest, this all sounds ridiculously rigid and complicated, and without knowing what the falling out was it is hard to say who is BU! You are their child, regardless of your son they will be wanting to see you...I would very much resent being told what I could and couldn't do by my husband if I wanted to see them too.

Is there a way in which they can get over their differences? This whole rota thing just sounds bonkers.

And how close are they geographically? Are you and DH joined at the hip all weekend? Because I often pop to see my parents or friends for a cup of tea and a chat over the weekend while DH does something else, I would still class us as having spent the weekend together...it just doesn't have to be every waking minute.

It sounds like since this falling out your husband is discouraging any merging of the two families/lives which sounds really tough.

Fwiw my DH doesn't like my parents. But he sucks it up and is polite to them for the sake of happy families, much like I do with one of his brothers who I don't like.

What was the falling out about?

Your DM is at fault here

God your parents sound impossible to please, but I also suspect your DH thinks he's in charge of you. It's pretty harsh to never visit at weekends; if you like to see them go every other Saturday or Sunday for a morning or afternoon. Or every three weeks. Or meet them out somewhere. DH should come along sometimes to avoid further alienation.

The whole weekday thing sounds like you are being pulled every which way. Unless they are actually providing childcare they need to be more flexible.

Your parents are ridiculous and controlling and want everything on their terms all the time. It must be exhausting for your DP.

Stop pandering to them and spend less time worrying about them and focus on you, your child and your DP. If they don't like the fact they can't see you and their DGC as much as they demand, then tough shit, they are the ones putting up the barriers to it and behaving like childish idiots.

My MIL doesn't see us often, she is very busy. When she decides she suddenly wants to see the kids, she will message DH and keep on and on until, she gets her way. One day he didn't answer her and she phoned home and DH at work 7 times! She knows full well he was at work and wouldn't answer. Difference is, she gets what she wants when it is convenient for us, not the other way around. If we are busy (and it's always weekends for us) then she has to wait until a time when we are not. She doesn't like it and has a tenancy to whine and put a guilt trip on but it simply doesn't work as DH doesn't care and ignores it. I suggest you need to not care about their dramatics, shrug it off and do your own thing.

See I'm not seeing that at all. The DH looks more controlling to me...and without knowing what fall out was over it is hard to know if that is reasonable or not.

"I had another text from my mum saying it's silly and feels like they have to schedule visits like in prison and ask permission to see their grandson."

Yes...every grandparent (apart from your mother apparently) has to 'schedule' in visits with the dgc. That is normal!
It's called 'checking you're not busy'.

And yes...every grandparent (apart from your mother apparently) has to ask 'permission' to see their dgc. That is NORMAL!
It's called 'not your kid, of course you have to ask first.'

What is NOT normal is expecting constant access and priority.

You have your own lives to live!

I think you did really well to re-iterate your stance on this though.

It sounds to me like your DP is still punishing them for the fall out and is using access to DS as a stick to beat them with.

You're going to have these problems until the real underlying issue is dealt with.

Sorry if this isn't right but you do remind me of my friend. She married a slightly controlling, prima donna DH because she had a DM who was that way and she saw it as normal.

As well, do you speak your native language to your DC? If not, I can see why GM would be sad. It's such a gift speaking two languages.

What makes my DP seem controlling?

Pictish thank you for all your advice up to now it's been really helpful! It's been hard to re-iterate my stance but I felt I had to do it, I am aware this will make me and DP the bad guys and I will hear about it from my DM at some point probably saying they're hurt/upset they think this or that.

It might be worth pointing out that last time they had him we asked for him to be back at 7 as DS needs a bath, story and to calm down before bedtime they didn't get back with him until 7.20 . I know to some people this might not be important but it's a recurring thing and usually for no particular reason.

Unfortunately I cannot say what the falling out was about as its way too outing, and it's so messed up and complicated that I probably won't be able to get it all down and get it to make sense, especially since I'm not 100% on all the details.

I just know that me and DP are the bad guys now. I don't know what they expect me to say "yes it's ok for you to reschedule last minute and expect us to accommodate you so of course you can have DS on Wednesday as you wanted until the time that you wanted even though that means DP doesn't get to spend the time with him that he's made especially for that reason"
But I guess they don't see it like that.

He sounds controlling because he isn't allowing any flexibility. He won't allow weekend visits etc etc. If the fallout was THAT bad, I'm surprised you still see them. If it wasn't THAT bad, then he just sounds petulant and controlling...if I wanted to see my folks on a weekend then I would.

Given there is obviously a history between them it isn't surprising that they are kicking back against his diktats.

Ok...

1. He never said he doesn't allow weekend visits he's happy for me to go over if I want to however for obvious reasons he won't join us. And because the weekends are the only time we are all together as a family and we can do stuff together I would rather spend it with my DP and DS.

2. although because of the nature of the relationships here I am inadvertently involved in the fallout aka I'm caught in the middle and feeling the effects of it however the actual fallout itself had nothing to do with me so no I won't stop seeing my parents over something that doesn't involve me.

So going on point no.1 does it still seem like he's controlling?

I think you need to grow a back bone.

Stop engaging in the mind games your parents are trying to play. All you need to say is "we have arrange things this week so that you could see X on Monday. It's now too short notice for us to rearrange things, so I guess we'll just have to plan something for next week."

Repeat ad infinitim. Stand firm, sooner or later they will realise that they cannot throw their toys out the pram and get what they want everytime. Treat it as you would a tantruming toddler.

So going on point no.1 does it still seem like he's controlling? Possibly. Since we don't know what the initial falling out was, it's hard to tell. You know so if you think that he is entirely reasonable never to go round to theirs, that's fine. If not...

I think grandparents feeling like they need to schedule visits is a common issue, particularly in households where both parents work. Some grandparents accept it, some use it as an excuse to present themselves as a victim. Either way it is unavoidable so they just need to get used to it.

As others have said I think you need to stop pandering to them. Have you actually pointed out to them that your top priority is for your DS to spend time with his mummy and daddy, and that you will be as flexible as you can be in seeing them but you will not sacrifice family time unless it is an emergency, so they need to accept this and not turn on the waterworks every time you prioritise your DH and DS over them. If you haven't explicitly said that, I think you need to just to make it clear.

I think it would also be worth pointing out that they are as restrictive about time as you, just you don't demand that they rearrange their commitments to fit in with you.

Personally I would set a regular day every week when they see you and DS (or just DS). If they need to cancel it then they cancel it , but if they do this then they see DS on their day the following week. You don't run around making arrangements for it to be rescheduled. It is not your job to provide DS on demand for their entertainment.

Has your mum always been like this?
It seems you have become a people pleaser and I wonder if it's to do with your upbringing.
This all seems really crazy.
So they can't do Monday so arrange next week.
Job done.
This is YOUR DS, not theirs.
You do need to grow a backbone as PP's have said.
Both sides of this are walking all over you having you worrying about what to do to please everyone.
Stop it.
Do what you want.
Let your DH do what he wants and then sod the rest of it!

Is there no way this 'fall-out' can be sorted?
It would be much easier if they could visit for breakfast or lunch over the weekend with all of you.

Stop playing the martyr and let them all get on with it.