Who's BU?

[twocultures]

To try and cut a long story short my DM and DF don't get along with my DP.
It's a very complicated situation but without going into it both sides are blaming the other for something that went really wrong. But at the end of the day my DP is the one having to deal with the ramifications and will continue to do so for years to come. I'm not taking sides here but as I live with my DP It feels like my parents (read DM) assumes I'm on DPs side.
Please note my parents are in their mid 40s so not old.

Anyway I live about 30 mins away from my parents and struggle to get there ATM as I'm out in the middle of nowhere and the buses are only here a few times a day and until I get my first pay check from my new job I can't afford to insure my car.
I've been unable to see my parents for about 3 weeks now (I usually go over every week) as I've struggled to find my way there, up to recently I've usually managed to get a lift from in laws or my DM or DF would pick me up but they're all quite busy now.
Recently as DP changed jobs (he's semi-self employed it's complicated) and we have decided to stay more organised DP said we should set a day in the week when I go and see them and then they can drop DS home to DP in the evening as I go to work evenings so won't be there.
DP has said that the best day for me to go over is Wednesday, we want to spend weekends together As a family and Monday's and Friday's he's able to finish work earlier and he'd like to spend those late afternoons with our DS as due to previous work commitments he has never been able to spend much time with him when he was a baby (he's 2 years now).
I've spoken to my parents who said Wednesday is no good for them as they're usually busy, they are self employed my DF usually works ft and my DM helps out a couple of days a week and my DP was hoping they would be able to adjust their days to be able to accommodate the one day a week to see DS as they don't have a schedule or a rota as such and they usually go from week to week. And they are very pushy to see DS.

So my DM is now pulling the guilt trip saying they are being pushed aside and their needs are not being considered as she has specifically stated Wednesdays are no good and that we are stopping them from seeing their DGS. And she's also saying how they're not getting to see me , their DC, either.
I've spoken to my DP and asked him about a different day as I'm quite easy going as I work afternoons he said Wednesday's or Monday's but they'd have to drop DS off around 4.30/5 ( if Wednesday's they can drop off at 6/7) as he wants some time with DS Monday afternoon.
He's not keen to discuss the situation as he feels that in the past we have tried to accommodate everyone else around us and not took care of our own needs and due to our current difficult financial situation he wants to just focus on us 3 and work to get us in a better situation.
I'm slightly concerned that if speak to my DM tomorrow and say either Wed or Mon she'll say Monday's no good either and demand Friday's or something and kick off again like she did at me over the phone today.

Who is BU here my DP for wanting to see DS Mon and Fri afternoons on his own (and obviously we have weekends together) or my DM who's saying they can't adjust their flexible days to see DS on the 2 days we suggested? I feel really stuck and confused and I don't know what to think

I think your dp is also being controlling. There is a lot in ypur post about what suits him his training his time with ds when he ginishes early. What would suit ypu best? Why does it have to be a set day? Why cant the date vary according to both ypur and ypur parents commitments that week? Why cant it be a weekend afternoon every so often? Answer your dp has decided that this is best and seems to have packaged this up as putting your own family first. If u are unhappy then it isnt though is it?

Imo your DM is being unreasonable. She's the controlling one in all this, not your DP.

I'm with your DP. He's his son, not your parent's. I don't see how it's controlling to say 'I want to see my own son at my convenience rather than accommodating grandparents above myself'. Shift working is hard and I say take the time together where you can.

The problem with setting up a routine is that it quickly becomes a 'right'. If your parents are the type to make demands and expect visits you will quickly find that if you ever need to change the routine, you'll be in trouble.
Reasonable people would appreciate you taking the time to visit every week and setting a time to do it. They would probably be prepared to shuffle a few things around to get a time that worked for everyone. Unreasonable people make demands and think that everything should be on their terms, to fit in with their plans.
What are your parents like? Will the weekly commitment become a source of even more problems for you in the long term?
Looking back, this is one thing I wish I had manged very differently.

I think they are all BU, both sides seem to be completely unwilling to be at all flexible to accommodate the other. As a result it sounds like it is turning into a faintly ridiculous power struggle with you and the DC stuck in the middle. I don't know what the answer is, but I can't see things improving until someone is willing to give a bit.

Your mum sounds like a Stately homes type tbh.

I can see your DPs point and don't think he sounds controlling. I think its your mum that is the issue here.

"And also my parents already think that seeing DS once a week is not enough never mind it being every other week."

Your parents don't actually get a say in it. You don't seem to understand that their wants (and they are wants not needs) regarding 'access' are of no actual consequence. They don't have any rights to your son. Their wishes do not trump yours and those of your dp. Of course it is wonderful that they love him and want to spend time with him but they don't get to demand it then have you comply.

They sound really overbearing. The simple fact is, if family circumstances dictate that more frequent visitations are not possible or even convenient, they must accept that and stop creating a shitstorm over that which they have no right to expect!

Once a week is absolutely fine and more than the norm for many equally loving grandparents.
You sound like you are afraid to use the authority you have here and stand up to them.

It's your mother who is being controlling. Leave her to it. And do you actually want to see her every week?

"Reasonable people would appreciate you taking the time to visit every week and setting a time to do it. They would probably be prepared to shuffle a few things around to get a time that worked for everyone. Unreasonable people make demands and think that everything should be on their terms, to fit in with their plans."

Yy to all of this.

Reasonable people would think it was marvelous that you would schedule in a regular weekly visit and appreciate your efforts. This is normal behaviour.

Overbearing, controlling people make demands on others and ignore their boundaries to serve their own selfish agendas. This is not normal behaviour.

Your parents are overstepping the boundaries and your dp's position as his son's father to serve themselves.

I would be interested to know what the fall out was about. I wonder if they tried to walk all over him then as well.

And once again I have to say, your dp does not sound controlling...he sounds like someone who thinks his rights as a father come above your parents' wants as grandparents.
He is right.

I noticed that you say your SIL looks after your DS at your house but you do not want your DM there as its not suitable for guests. I wouldn't have considered my DM a guest and I wonder if she is critical of your home as you are presumably happy for SIL to be there but not DM.
If you are happy for her to come I would tell her she can come for a visit any morning Mon-Fri when DP is working.

Your dm sounds really entitled. She doesn't get priority over your dh to see your ds, that's his son. She is very fortunate to be able to see your ds every week, especially if their house is a pain in the arse to get to and they can't be arsed to visit yours instead. If they want to continue seeing your ds once a week then they need to make some kind of effort or compromise to make it convenient for you, NOT insist that they see him at the expense of him spending time with his dad.

"She is very fortunate to be able to see your ds every week, especially if their house is a pain in the arse to get to and they can't be arsed to visit yours instead."

Well absobloodylutely!

Thank you for all the replies everybody it's good to get some outside opinions!

Re visiting my house:
My SIL only puts DS to bed and hangs around for an hour or so until DP gets home, if my DM came to visit we'd be stuck as there isn't really anywhere for DS to play ATM and there's no lounging room etc so it's hard and besides that would mean I would have to arrange a separate day to visit them anyway as DF wouldn't see him.

I think they, especially my DM find it hard to see me so little now as we used to be very close. I've just noticed some things they do since moving and being with my DP in general that are not quite normal....even though I still keep excusing it in my head because I know where they're coming from.

I can't really talk to my parents about certain issues and/or things that are odd as I think they are in a bit if a denial or they listen, go away talk to each other and then find an excuse for certain behaviours or minimise them. I'm afraid pushing it would just cause WW3 and I'm not really prepared for that.
But I do love them dearly and I do want to see them and spend time with them. And I do admit that usually it's my DM who blows things out of proportion.

My DP can be a bit of a pain in the backside with it but it's understandable all things considered and he has given an option of another day even though he originally wanted to spend those evening with DS.
He has openly said to me he feels happier since he's not seen them and he thinks we are happy until they (read "my DM") get involved but knows I need to stay in touch with my side of the family.

OP the bottom line is this its Wednesday or nothing end of. Don't let your parents guilt trip you he is yours and DP's son and it's up to you 2 when family get to see him it's not up to your family if they wanted to see him that badly they would find a way to see him.

IMO you're all putting barriers up to make visiting difficult. If none of you will be flexible then your parents won't get to see your son, and you won't be able to repair your relationship. You won't allow any time at the weekends, or Tuesdays and Thursdays, your Dh won't allow Mondays and Fridays, and your DM won't agree to Wednesdays. Looks like you'll be seeing them at the end of November then!

That's where I'm struggling you see...the end of November is just a few weeks. All this upset and angst over contact when the time frame is completely normal for many families.
If that's the way it is for the next few weeks, then that's the way it is. Your parents won't shrivel up and die through the lack of seeing you for a month!
You're an adult with your own life, priorities and agenda fgs. They are not parole officers and they don't need to have you check in as if it's a condition of your freedom.

I agree with wineandcake, this thread is getting ridiculous. Every single arrangement that's suggested OP shoots down. OP, you sound really hard work.

I've now decided OP and her partner and her mother are all being unreasonable but there's no help possible for any of them because they like it that way.

Ok let's me start by clearing up the misunderstanding I created: this will not be over in November, I will simply be able to insure my car in November and will not struggle to get there. I only mentioned the car thing because these last 2 weeks I was struggling to make my way there and that's why I didn't visit them.

I'd like to think I'm not putting up barriers my DP perhaps feels rather protective but that's because of what happened and the way he views them ( again my DM).
But if you read my earlier post he did give another day.

So they can have Monday's or Wednesday's.

Tuesday's and Thursday's are impossible due to the logistics and it would make it difficult for everybody as as I said SIL puts DS to bed because DP is at training and I'm at work.

Saturday's and Sunday's are family days, I want them to be family days not just DP. He's more than happy for me to e.g. Go over Saturday morning for a coffee or whatever but I will probably not do that as my DM will always try to drag it out and have me stay longer.

But thank you for everyone who replied I felt really stuck for a bit there and wasn't sure who was BU about the whole thing. I think I probably have to agree with the majority of the posters who said it was my DM more than my DP just going on the background and what she's like and what she was like when I was younger... But I think that's a whole other can of worms.

Again thank you everyone.

Tbh, it sounds like you guys have very little time together as a family due to working in shifts, etc. It's not unreasonable, in your situation, to be a bit more rigid in the way time is spent as it is the only way you can get a bit of work/life balance. And I agree with other posters, YOUR little family has to take priority. Talk to your Mum, if she can't see what a good thing it is that you DP wants to spend time with his son, that you guys need time by yourselves and that she just needs to be flexible about her weekly visits for a while, then I am afraid she is the one being unreasonable. Massively so. You are no longer just her daughter and your son has many other family members that are important to him, not least his father!

I'm back again! Hoping for some reassurance or a kick up the backside from you lovely people!
So since my last post we have agreed to Monday's or Wednesday's & told them to bring DS home for 7 as he goes to bed at 8. (This has now changed due to time change so needs to be back for 6 as goes down at 7) .
So spoke to my DM last week (re-confirmed on Friday) that me and DS are over on Monday (aka tomorrow). I got a phone call from her about an hour ago asking if they could change to Wednesday as my DFs job is taken longer than expected and they have to go to London again tomorrow and Tuesday to finish it off. I said I will have to double check with DP as not sure what he's planned (remember he wants to spend time with DS too) .
Asked him and he said no because he has arranged his week at work around the fact that DS is at my parents Monday so he's working late tomorrow and has time to see DS on Wednesday and it's too late swap it around now. Told my DM who cut the phone call short (she sounded upset/moody).
After she hung up I just asked DP what about if they see DS Wednesday but just bring him back when you finish work, he said that's fine as long as they bring him back for 4 not 6.
I text my mum that but there's no reply and I just got a message from my DF who said that my DM was crying and my DP should see both sides not just his own and that he agreed either Monday's or Wednesday's anyway so he doesn't see what happened.
So here's my text back:
"Yes we've agreed to Monday's or Wednesday's but this week we've arranged for Monday and my DP has arranged his work based on that.
I've texted DM to say Wednesday is ok if you would be able to bring DS back for 4"

My DF text back saying it will be next week now.
My DM must've also seen the text and said that's no good for them as DF is at work so he wouldn't see DS so there's no point. She's also said "anyway I find this really funny/odd" (I think she's digging) .

Please tell me WANBU?
We originally agreed for Monday this week around and DP arranged his work week around it so he can spend time with DS on Wednesday. They want to change to Wednesday due to my DFs work commitments and were not happy that we said no. We've said ok as long as DS is back home earlier but that still doesn't work for them....
I feel like it's not my problem that it doesn't work for them, I can't expect my DP to keep both days open in his calendar at all times because my parents might have to rearrange last minute. Is it?

My advice? Stop feeding the dramatics! They don't have to see your ds every week. If they go a couple of weeks without seeing him because of scheduling then so what? They are making an issue of it because it keeps you dancing to their tune! So stop. If they can't see him this week, they will see him the following week.
If they are that really that desperate to see him they could call over when your dp is at home.
The one thing I would caution is don't throw off their controlling ways and then take on your dps controlling ways.
Use the next week without the visit to really look at what YOU want and not what everyone else wants. You can't make everyone happy especially as it seems that both your dp and your parents really only want to make the other unhappy.

Your Mum is being utterly unreasonable. Your Mum could still see him without your Dad and if your Dad has to work then that's just one of those things. The fact she thinks it's more unfair for your father to miss out on seeing him because of work commitments than his Dad missing out to facilitate him seeing them is odd.

How old is your DS? I think you need to keep a very close eye on things being said to him by your parents tbh. They sound incredibly selfish and manipulative.

I'd just tell them that if they can't do this week because of DF's work then that's fine and you'll see them next week.

So...you are supposed to work your family around your dad's plans but they don't see why they should work around yours?
I don't fucking think so.

Of course yanbu. This is a clear case of them putting the squeezers on you to give them authority over contact with your son that they have no business expecting.
Stand firm.

Btw - you are going to have to be very brave and thick skinned in this situation. With the mindset they have, I do not see how this can reasonably work out. Your mum will cry, your dad will rage and they will blame you and your dh for all the upset they are experiencing, even though they have brought it entirely on themselves by trying to control everything when they have no right.

The fact is, they truly believe they have a right to see your son and that you have to obey them!
They don't and you don't. They are being inappropriate self-important bullies and it's high time you told them NO.

You cannot please everyone in this scenario because the only way your mother will be happy is if you do exactly what she wants, which can't happen.

I know you love them but the fact is, they are all about themselves and they don't give a fuck what works for you.

He is YOUR son.