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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hates my son

79 replies

Helcl · 23/10/2016 17:28

My partner of 12 years had a couple of drinks and told me he hated my Son.
I am hurt, lost and I don't know what to do with this information.
I love my Partner but this has really floored me.

OP posts:

Atthebottomofthegarden · 23/10/2016 19:36

Does your partner live with you?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 23/10/2016 19:40

The posters saying 'get rid' (horrible expression) are being somewhat simplistic. They've been together for 12 years.

That was me, TaterTots. I think the expression 'I hate your son' is rather horrid and that twelve years or twelve days, getting rid of the man who uttered it from the boy's life is indeed the simple and only solution.

Lunar1 · 23/10/2016 19:48

The most simplistic thing in the world is the instinct to protect your children. Surrounding them with someone who hated them isn't on.

JoJoSM2 · 23/10/2016 19:59

I'm sorry :( It must be very difficult. I've seen a few men in a similar set up that felt the same and were pretty nasty to the boys :( I think you could try counselling. Otherwise, your son will probably be off to uni soon which should make it much better. I wouldn't be surprise if you're questioning the relationship though...

Sallystyle · 23/10/2016 20:02

I told my husband I hated my son once. I clearly don't hate him, I love him to bits and what I should have said was that I hated a certain situation and the pressure it was putting on me.

However, as soon as the words left my mouth I took them back. Thankfully my husband didn't kick me out ;)

Why does your partner think he is selfish?

Did you get the impression he hated him before this? How does he treat your son? I'm not going to tell you to LTB without knowing more information and how he usually treats him and what lead up to him saying it.

I'm not excusing what he said, if he really hates your son he needs to go obviously.

Whatsername17 · 23/10/2016 20:14

Sorry but i'd leave my own husband if he ever said this about my daughter, and he is her dad. He would be gone. DD is my child and I couldnt bear that she felt hated by anyone, let alone someone I let into the house.

Feckitall · 23/10/2016 20:16

My DM has been with her husband since I was 4...he has not spoken civilly to me apart from hello/bye since I was 4, they married when I was 17 and he had only spoken to DB and I when he absolutely had to ...there never was any form of relationship even living under same roof.
Don't know if he 'hates' me...obviously doesn't want to like me or db
Quite honestly I would question the relationship..has it been good in other ways? Is DS likely to go to uni soon and move away anyway...DS2 went to uni and didn't come back to our town to live for 10 years!..Why does 'D'P hate him...did he specify? Otherwise...kick his arse to tother side of moon!

Mindtrope · 23/10/2016 20:29

OP what a difficult situation.

Has this come out of the blue?Does your OH and son have an otherwise good relationship?

AnyFucker · 23/10/2016 20:32

op, are you going to come back and elaborate or not ?

there is a big difference between U2's type of utterance quickly regretted due to frustration and a sustained level of hatred towards a vulnerable child

which is it ?

my own father made it clear I was not worthy of his respect by saying stuff like this over a number of years and it certainly contributed to my chaotic teens and early adulthood and yes my mother should have LTB

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 23/10/2016 20:41

Feckitall, how weird and sad for you. Do you have much of a relationship with your mum?

44PumpLane · 23/10/2016 20:43

I'm not sure, if after 12 years you literally had no inkling he felt like this until he blurted it out to you drunk then I'm assuming he's not being mean to your son in any way and no one else will have a clue, including your son.

So maybe start off with a conversation and find out why he feels this way and see if anything can be done.

If he was drunk enough to tell you something like that he also may have used exaggerated language and may have been slightly miffed about your son for something specific and it's come out as that.

Just a thought?

PerpendicularVincent · 23/10/2016 21:02

Has he apologised, or does he mean it? For me, someone hating my child would be a deal breaker.

My DF married a woman who hates me, for no reason other than that I exist as a reminder of his relationship with my DM. I don't know why this man hates your son, but I know that my similar situation has resulted in therapy and a distance from my dad.

TaterTots · 23/10/2016 21:23

I think the expression 'I hate your son' is rather horrid and that twelve years or twelve days, getting rid of the man who uttered it from the boy's life is indeed the simple and only solution.

Don't get me wrong - I agree it's an awful thing to say. But the OP is saying this has completely floored her after 12 years. She has a lot to think about (for example, how she has missed this tension) and deserves to know more. I don't think this is the same as, for example, a short-term relationship where the issues between partner and child have been building and have come to a head with a comment like this.

Feckitall · 23/10/2016 21:34

Jennifer no not much, I was closer to DGM...that said we get on..more like distant relatives.

I have long since thought that families that are close are in their own ways as dysfunctional..I don't know ANY that have mature, adult and independent relationships.
My point is that all families have their issues and it may have been poor choice of words rather than the literal meaning of 'hate' . The OPs son may well turn out to carve out his own future and be a well adjusted adult. Anxiety in teens can be because of a multitude of reasons. not just the result of arsehole males in his life

pallasathena · 23/10/2016 21:55

Its a deal breaker. Totally. Get shot of the partner. If you don't, then you are part of the problem and my heart goes out to your poor son...

hermione2016 · 23/10/2016 22:29

I think context is very important, also how it was said.Lots of parents feel angry with their children/teen at some stage.I was shocked to hear a woman at work talk about her young daughter in horrible terms (morning stress of getting child out of the door for the day)..should I phone SS and ask them to take the child away?

I agree parents need to protect their children but an honest discussion where one step parent says they are not coping with child's behaviour should not be cause for ending the relationship.

noeffingidea · 23/10/2016 22:36

I say 'get rid' as well. I couldn't carry on living with someone who hates my children. They deserve more.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/10/2016 22:42

So he hates him because he thinks he is selfish? That's ridiculous. Maybe your son has anxiety issues because he picks up on the fact his step dad doesn't want him around.

I grew up with a grandparent and a step grandparent. While the step one didn't hate me and we get on most of the time, there was a definite air of me feeling like I was in the way and he would have preferred it if I wasn't there. I have a lot an anxiety issues too, not solely from him but it is a contributing factor.

Your son has to come first. I couldn't be with anyone who hated my child, no matter how long it's been. If you don't put your child above your husband, you may find your son doesn't bother with you as an adult because you couldn't put him first.

CoolioAndTheGang · 23/10/2016 22:56

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/10/2016 23:08

"He suffers from anxiety issues."
My first thought was that having your mum's partner (who has been her partner since you were five years old) hate you could definitely be creating some of that anxiety.

So Helcl you say your partner had had a few drinks before telling you he hated your son. I predict that when he sobers up he will pretend he didn't mean it, it was just the drink talking blah blah blah. I think we both know he meant it. The question is, what are you going to do with the knowledge? Your son needs your protection and support, is he going to get it?

Original poster

Helcl · 23/10/2016 23:58

Can I just clarify that my Partner wasn't drunk. I think he had just had his lips loosened. They got on great when my son was little.
I have always put my kids first.
No excuses - partner had a hard childhood, an unaffectionate mother. Neither he or his siblings went on to have children if their own. He didn't have much confidence when we met.
He has criticised me in the past for not being stricter and 'letting them walk all over Me' - we agreed to disagree.
I have sat on this 'hate' thing for a couple of weeks, I wanted to try to process it and understand. In reality, I have just got more and more angry.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/10/2016 01:43

"I have sat on this 'hate' thing for a couple of weeks, I wanted to try to process it and understand. In reality, I have just got more and more angry."
Understandable. Have you and your partner discussed this since he said this? Does he know how it has affected you and how you feel about him?

e1y1 · 24/10/2016 02:01

Not RTFT yet, but context here is everything.

My immediate reaction in this scenario is get rid - your children come before anything, and even if it were the father of the child that said this - they'd still be gone.

You've been with your partner 12 years, your son is now 17, so this means your son was 5 when your partner met him - of course over this time your son will have changed. Is it a case that your partner hates your sons behaviour as opposed to hating him?

If it were the latter, I can't believe that it has taken 12 years for it to be mentioned (and if it is the latter, you should get shot of him).

You definitely need to ask your partner what he meant, and I wouldn't be accepting that it was just he had a drink - drunk words are sober thoughts ; he didn't just pull it out of thin air.

YouHadMeAtCake · 24/10/2016 02:36

If someone, anyone at all, told me they hate my DC , they would be gone from my life. Permanently.

user1472419718 · 24/10/2016 07:31

Have you asked him why he hates your DS?

Becuase it seems a bit strange and out of context to hate someone who, according to your posts, has not done anything to offend or upset him.

Your partner says he is selfish. Has your DS done something you are unaware of that could be interpreted as selfish.

Hate is a very strong word. It would be one thing to say "I don't like the kind of man DS is turning into" if your DS has recently started to behave in an offensive way. But just to come out with "I hate DS," you need to find out why.

Have you asked DS how he gets on with your partner?

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