Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

in setting a cut-off date for xmas?

53 replies

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 11:11

DS (22) is at uni a couple of hours away, lives with his gf who works full time. DD (18) lives at home, has gf who is very close to her mum. My AIBU moment stems from conversation i had with both of them (separately, but outcome much the same) All i want to know is if they will be home at xmas, and whether their OH's will be joining us. If they are, fantastic. If they're not, also fantastic as DH and I will be able to go out for christmas dinner for the first time in 25 years. But can i get an answer? dunno, dunno, dunno. every time i ask. not even a "will find out what gf is doing and let you know" thinking of giving them both till halloween and if they don't have at least a possible decision, booking a table for me and DH. but then i feel like the WWM...

OP posts:

FurryLittleTwerp · 23/10/2016 11:56

Book your Christmas lunch just you & DH.

Do a big roast on Christmas Eve so there'll be plenty for whoever is around over the next few days.

Tell the teens the plan & give them notice, then book it.

Tough titty if they end up missing out in some way - they won't starve.

ethelb · 23/10/2016 12:02

To be honest with you, you are being a bit inflexible. The fact that you seem to want to do something for Christmas that would potentially exclude them is going to be putting them off. It is early to be making final plans tbh, but they again I have never gone out for Christmas dinner. Why are you so fixed on doing that this year? It feels a bit like you are making a 'point'.

They are at an age where you may need to be a bit more flexible around them and their plans as they are adults, but at the same time they are of an age where they can't expect you to dance around their needs.

It's tough, I do sympathise, but maybe do try and examine why you are being so inflexible on this.

Original poster

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 12:07

how much clearer can i get than "I want to know what u are doing for xmas, if u not coming dad and I are going out but will need to book asap.!" that was sent a fortnight ago. the reply was "ok" subsequent messages have been responded to with..don't know what her parents doing. dont know her work shift. dont know if she going abroad without me....frankly, i dont care what she/her family/her pet parrot are doing. it concerns me not one jot. but it is impacting on my plans and i'm now getting arsey.

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2016 12:08

I'd book the table you want now, since it can presumably be cancelled closer to the time if need be.

Write to various teens saying that you'd love them / them and partners for the day, but you'll need an answer by [date next week] otherwise you'll assume they're making other plans.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2016 12:09

Much better to give a specific date deadline than ASAP, so they know what your timescale is.

We love going out for Christmas Day, we go to a local place. It has been fully booked for months.

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2016 12:09

When I say "various teens" I mean yours obviously, not just random ones

HanYOLO · 23/10/2016 12:10

Sorry but Daily Mash comes to mind

diddl · 23/10/2016 12:17

Well you're obviously not their first choice otherwise they wouldn't need to be consulting others first!

girlywhirly · 23/10/2016 12:19

I think a lot of young people think that Christmas just happens by magic, especially the food. They have no comprehension that meat might need to be ordered, some things prepared in advance, or restaurant reservations made. It isn't unreasonable to want to know how many to cater for.

Having said that, my DS and his DP (26 and 25 yrs respectively) said the same day of asking that they would like to come to us for Christmas; that was two weeks ago. I think you should say you want to go out unless they get their acts together.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 23/10/2016 12:20

I think I might book a Boxing Day lunch out somewhere for just the 2 of you. If they don't come then consider that to be your Christmas Day and spend the real Christmas Day doing something else like a long walk at a local beauty spot. If they do come you can have Christmas Dinner with them and a second treat for just the two of you the next day.

Original poster

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 12:20

hummus, the place i would want to go to would need a (non-refundable ) deposit. I suppose i am reacting to last year's confusion and lack of consideration.
Han- i don't know what that means!?

OP posts:

MrsDilligaf · 23/10/2016 12:22

I love the description of your DH.

Give them a ring, say "Dad and I are booking into xxx for Christmas Lunch, if you want to join us then you'll need to let me know by 5th Nov, if not you'll be fending for yourselves"

I understand OP, we're waiting to see what my Parents are doing as it depends on what my sisters FIL is doing. Doesn't matter if they come or not really as I generally cook enough to feed the street.

sophiestew · 23/10/2016 12:23

That's hilarious han

Click on the link OP.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 23/10/2016 12:23

YANBU. I would send them another text saying that if you don't hear from them with a definite answer by tomorrow night, that you will be booking a meal for yourselves. Of course you need to book early for a hotel, some of my clients booked their Christmas parties back in September, because come October all the dates are gone!

You need to make your plans, you have given them enough time to answer and if they cannot show you some respect then it is a bad job. You are not some fallback plan if they have nothing better to do!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/10/2016 12:24

YANBU I would tell them you are giving them one more week and then booking to go out. They can be at your house for Xmas lunch if they wish but will have to fend for themselves. We all have to grow up at some point

JustCallMeKate · 23/10/2016 12:29

I agree with Pink. I got fed up years ago of "I don't know what x,y,z, plans are yet". We need to book the restaurant we go to at the beginning of October and pay a deposit of £50 per person which is non refundable. It's normally fully booked by mid October for Christmas Day as it's one of the few restaurants that only has one sitting at 2pm and another at 6pm. You don't feel rushed to finish your meal. Do a Boxing Day dinner or buffet OP and let them know that's what you're planning.

Original poster

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 12:34

clicked on the link...lol.
DD has hauled her ass out of bed now..(I can hear her stumbling around) i'm going to formally invite her and her gf for xmas, and request an RSVP by next sunday. I shall then extend the same invitation to my son and his gf via the medium of telephony. I may seem like i'm being inflexible, but I'm not prepared to go through the same shit we had last year with all the indecision and last minute Larriness from them.

OP posts:

HanYOLO · 23/10/2016 12:40

Sorry, it's just a silly sarcastic thing OP, but might make you laugh

I understand that you don't want to hang around waiting for kids who may or may not show up (but obviously they have other, perhaps a bit flakey, people to take into consideration). Would your preference be to have them have Christmas with you? Or would you rather go out?

If it were me I'd make my own plans for lovely Christmas Eve or Boxing night dinner out and plan a chilled out downscaled Xmas day that can accommodate as many people as choose to show up at the time, and not necessarily be terribly traditional.

At 22 and living in ones own household I'd probably expect a bit of consideration. At 18 though I think it would be sad if your DD ended up with no place to go and not feel like Christmas was being kept at all.

ohtheholidays · 23/10/2016 12:55

No I agree with you OP tell them why you need to know and I wouldn't leave it till Halloween because surely nearly every where will be booked up for Christmas Day by then and you don't want to be left with no choice over where you spend your Christmas Day!

ANewStartOverseas · 23/10/2016 12:55

This is my experience as the 'child' in this scenario.

My parents want to know in advance what will be going on. I have no issue with that.
PIL are very happy to sort things out at the last minute (think 2 weeks before if that!) so I cant get any answer from DH as to what we will do at Christmas until quite late...
Different families, different ways of doing things.

So whilst I think you are right to want to know, you have to remember that such a decision will involve also other parties (both sets of PIL) who might well not be a hurry, the way you are (maybe because they will just do christmas at home anyway or whatever).

So yes, set a deadline but maybe not at the end of October. We haven't even started to talk of what we will do at christmas this year in our house....

ANewStartOverseas · 23/10/2016 12:58

Btw, be careful wih the 'I dont care what the partner/partner parents are doing, I just want to know'.
You are starting to enter the realms of THE Mother In Law and tbh you might want to introduce a bit of flexibility... Just saying.
When one set of parents is very rigid in their approach and haven to do thngs very differently than the other ste of parents, it makes things very hard to balance for saud children...

nosyupnorth · 23/10/2016 13:02

Do they have December exams? Because if so they may genuinely not be able to commit to exact dates yet.

I won't get my exam timetable until mid-November and it makes a big difference as to if I'll be wrapped up and done by the first week exams or have stuff scheduled right up until week 3.

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 23/10/2016 13:03

It depends on how far in advance you'd need to book a table at the restaurant you want to go to if they aren't coming.

If that's mid November then that's the deadline. I have a feeling of you don't give them a deadline you won't get told until a couple of days before all they have to do is have a conversation.

Original poster

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 13:11

NewStart, obviously i haven't said that to DS or DD...just venting on here..i am normally very flexible with both them and their DPs but just once, i would like a bit of consideration and forward thinking.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/10/2016 14:14

Honestly as an 18/19 year old I would have been thrilled with the option of laying in bed on Xmas day until lunchtime, eating a big brunch and not bothering with the whole Xmas lunch thing while my parents went out for Christmas lunch. You could always have a smaller scale roast dinner on Boxing Day instead so you have all had a lunch together.

Flip

1 2 3